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User Topic: 180 Support
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm moving my 180 discussions over here where they belong, instead of the General Forum.

I kinda like ignoring his texts last night and today.

I dunno where I'm going to end up, he knows I want to R, have made it clear, but if this doesn't get him off the fucking fence then I'm getting on with my own life..

And adding my new addiction to SI to my list of hobbies.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP!

So I'm day 2 into 180.

I was going to allow myself one text to see how he was since he is really sick. I didn't reply to his response.

So this afternoon he forwards me a text from our cleaner about changing her cleaning day. After a few mins I send back a- thanks for forwarding me the text.

Now he has texted me twice in the last 5 secs, how are you? enjoying your evening? and then one about a work thing he is excited about.

I KNOW I need to ignore his texts...it's so hard.

I need some strength and wisdom about 180.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-read SerJrs post about the 180 at the beginning of this topic.

I am no expert, but I think the thing to do is be too busy to be replying - too busy not b/c you are mean and punishing them, but because you are working on YOU.

Maybe a quick text that is nice, like "Hey, thanks for all the texts, i am busy (fillin the blank - watering plants, reading, researching starting a llhama farm), and look forward to seeing you at (MC, our bill paying session, the dentist to hand off DD)(, you get the point.

You should turn off text notifications unless you need them for children or work when you are at home. Turn off the cell unless it is a safety issue.

Then really DO choose a growthful activity/club/interest and go get busy!!

HUGS,

US


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Day 3, and he wasn't the first think I thought about when I woke up this morning.

Not that I haven't thought about him many times since then.

He's coming around tonight to see our daughter, I'm making plans to spend the evening at my favourite bookstore after work. I can't be around him as the temptation to talk will be too much.

Work is keeping me busy during the days, it's the eveinings I find the hardest. Only so many episodes of Project Runway a girl can watch! And looking after a teenager means I have to be home to be a Mum (that's Mom for all you American's!) most nights


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
Healing_Heart
♀ Member
Member # 21716
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started the 180 a few days ago and wish I would have implemented it a few weeks ago. It would have helped avoid a few needy, pathetic, angry, name calling, moments for me and my H may be in a better position to R at this moment. I find myself feeling much better and not crying quite as much.

Itís always been part of our marriage to ask what plans are in store for the evening and say ďhave a good dayĒ, and when we get home ask how each otherís day have been. Well the past few days I havenít done these things and itís just killing me. I donít text him anymore or call unless it involves our son. I donít ask about his activities after work. He does a lot of volunteer work and Iím interested in the work he does, so not asking is just killing me!

When going to the gym, eye doctor and shopping this Saturday, should I tell him Iím leaving, or just leave and not say anything? Iím so confused on this 180 thing.

The thing that scares me the most is these action are so out of character for me, and by doing these things he may see it as I am not interested in saving our marriage, and that is the last thing I want. I love him so much and still want to be married to him.

Any advice is appreciated, thanks


Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From:
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The not texting and talking is really hard.

(((healing_heart)))

Are you still living in the same house? I think I'm finding it easy(er) to go 180 cause we are living apart at present. I have no idea how I would do it under the same roof.

If you live in the same house you might want to give a cheery 'goodbye on saturday, will be home around x-ish', without telling him your itinery.

*shrug* I dunno, I'm still so new to this I think I'm possibly the last person to give advice.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woohoo!! He noticed.

So quick back story:

I find incrimintaing email
He admits to affair
He wants to move out
We talk for a few days
He moves out to stay with friends, we give ourselves 5 weeks to work out the future and work on oursleves, he can still see Ow as part of his process (stupid fucking plan)
At week 4 I find email with him proclaiming his love for her and inviting her out to our date night
I tell him it's over and he can F^%$ off, and call her and tell her nasty words
He still wants to be friends
We continue daily contact and lots more talking
Last week he tells me he is still seeing her and it's up and down but good
I tell him, that's great to know, now I know to stop hoping for R
He tells me he thought that was off that table
Over the weekend he asks me to get in a room mate to help pay the bills so he can get his own place and stop sleeping at friends
He tells me R isn't an option, he can't even think about it,life is too stressful for him to add another variable
Monday I go 180

Tonight he comes over to see our daughter, I put my shoes on and leave the house.

He rings me 2 mins later

I'm bright and breezy, out walking to my fav bookshop to get books for bookclub and to go to a cafe for a glass or two of wine. (I had 2!)

What's wrong he asks, you been so perfunctory since the weekend when we talked.

I'm great, fantastic, need to be somewhere in 15 mins, have fun with our daughter.

Are you OK? he asks, I still care about you

Yeah, doing great, getting on with my life. Have fun with the girl, see you in a couple of hours

Bye!!

*grin*


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
Healing_Heart
♀ Member
Member # 21716
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, we are living in the same house at the moment, so it makes it really tough. It would be so much easier if he would just leave, but he canít afford to live on his own and support me at the same time. Since we are in the same house, we get along fairly well for the sake of our son, who has no idea whatís going on. Getting along so well is what makes the 180 so hard. Sometimes I feel we are in R, but my husband has clearly stated he does not want to. Doing the 180 may give him the impression that I am done too and that is the last thing I want.

Caribou, thanks for the advice, Iíll have to remember that when I head out Saturday morning.

And, it sounds like you are doing great also with the 180 Ė great job!


Posts: 59 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From:
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have those same thoughts: that if I appear disinterested, he will think I am disinterested.. and I'm the opposite of that.

But don't we deserve to have husbands who would walk through fire for and with us? I want someone who will fight for and with me, who will take responsibility and ownership. Who wants take a ride on the same rollercoaster instead of sitting on his own and lets me ride my own.

Not someone who throws their hands up in the air and says "oh it's all to hard, you deserve better than me"

H_Heart: Can he not go and stay with family or friends to give you some space?? Or a backpackers or flea bag motel?


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am both a WS and a BS so I have been finding it hard to 180... to achieve a good balance of detaching and working on myself, while still being there for H and showing him that I am willing to R. I think I finally got the hang of it this week and I can finally see the effects.

I think it is more important to understand the principle behind the 180 rather than strictly adhering to "the rules". SerJR's posts have been so valuable in this regard.

What bothered me about the 180 was that it felt so unnatural, so unlike me to act cold and uncaring and I didnt want my H to perceive this as me not caring and giving up on us... but I adapted the 180 to me and managed to stay true to who I am while still detaching.

I think the key is to detach yourself enough from the other person so that their actions affect you as little as possible. Focus on yourself and on keeping yourself happy and busy and occupied rather than on what the other person is doing or
thinking. Focus on YOU and not at all on the other person. When you do this, the details of whether you should return a call or write back or ignore a text will not be so important.

In my case, I stopped bombarding my H with e-mails and stopped calling him to see how his day was. When we did speak, I did not ask about his day or what he was planning on doing and did not really tell him anything about my day.

And to my surprise, he started calling me and e-mailing me and telling me about his day and asking about mine. So whereas before, I would get upset and anxious when he was acting distant or did not answer an e-mail or pick up his phone, I just stopped caring and immediately felt better and more in control. We still communicate but I try to keep it as neutral and objective as I possibly can. Another key factor is to never react emotionally to anything that the other person says or does.

He has definitely noticed and misses my absence and needed to reach out to me. I didnt ignore him but kept my answers short and direct. He still knows that I love him and want to R... but I am just not at his beck and call like I used to be.

Good luck!


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
caribou
♀ Member
Member # 21852
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, December 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today sucks.

My phone called him while it was in my handbag, fucking speed dial and crap in my bag. So he rings back later - twice since I ignored the first call.

I hate this.

Hate it

Hate it

Beginning to wake up to the fact that my marriage is over.


Me- BS 40 yrs
D-Day 29 Sept 08

"When dealing with a cake-eater you close the bakery" - Catwoman


Posts: 481 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Melbourne, Australia
Numb and Angry
♀ Member
Member # 21752
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been trying to do the 180 and even though we are mostly living in the same house (what a nightmare), it seems to be helping. We're not even considering R, but WS has reverted to trying those cutesy little affectionate gestures he used to and asking me all about my life. He seems genuinely surprised by my non-answers. I wish I could control my impulsive zingers when he's headed out to be with OW. I can't seem to resist calling him out when he lies to our kids about what he's doing.

Now if only I had the guts to walk around in some hot little negligee to show off my post D-day bod... I'm totally kidding about that, though I've seen WS checking me out now that I've dropped 20 pounds. In my head I keep hearing Melanie Griffith's line from Working Woman (albeit changed for my situation) - "I have a head for family and a bod for sin".

[This message edited by Numb and Angry at 1:09 PM, December 6th (Saturday)]


Me-BW, 50
Him-WH, 49, behaving as if SA and NPD
D-Day 10/09/08

PA went back maybe 2 years
Married 23 years, together 30
2 kids, DD 19, DS 14
Status: Divorce final 10/17/11


Posts: 308 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
me+6
♀ Member
Member # 15035
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really suck at the 180! I want him to realize what he is losing - and guess what its not working.

So trying to get back on track and do 180 for Me!!

Everyone please keep posting - it really helps.


me-36 WH-37
Married 16 years together 18
6 children (5,7,8,12,14,16)
DDay - March 4th 2007
DDay #2 September 13, 2008 EA
Separated Oct 24, 2008
7/1/09 He is coming home!
Beginning to R

Posts: 694 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: East Coast
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm joining you guys :)

I think i need to do the 180 for my own sanity and to get used to doing things for me and the kids alone... we do still live together and will for a while at least.

I need to build myself up for a while before taking the step of kicking him out.....

I do still needs things from him though.. so this should be interesting!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD GRIEF

I am trying to 180 and GOD ITS HARD

he is on the couch not speaking to me again and i am DYING to run over there and cuddle him. or i wish he would come over and cuddle me and drop to his knees and apologise for being such an ASSHOLE

sigh

I am trying to study for my last exam but with him here i am dying. i cant concentrate and my stomach is in KNOTS.

HELP!!!!


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,

I posted this in JFO last week and just wanted to make sure you all see this:

It certainly seems as a betrayed spouse that weíre faced with a big dilemma. We often set out to improve ourselves with the underlying intention of winning back our wayward spouse and find ourselves in a competition with the other person. How the hell can we play that game when weíre stuck in the unflattering reality of everyday life when they're off chasing butterflies and rainbows?
Well, this game is initiated by someone who either has a personality disorder or is developmentally arrested. Often the betrayed spouse will react with an intense emotional response, apply pressure, beg, make promises, seek reassurance, and so forth. It doesnít work.

The wayward spouse has already found the stimulation and excitement they crave in their new relationship. Additional input will be overwhelming as they lack a stable, solid, centred core. Bombarding them with neediness will not help them with what they really need. On top of it, it gives your wayward spouse the means to continue taking the best from both worlds and to create a polarity by comparing you to the other personÖ and with that neediness you donít stand a very good chance of coming out on top.

So how do you play the game and win? Don't play it. You stand back, learn about yourself, and how to respect and honour that person. Doing this is very different from trying to ďbe better thanĒ. You want to create a richer, healthier, more balanced life for yourself and those you care about.

So how do we move in that direction of self awareness and independence? Well, here are some questions to ask yourself to help you take those first few steps:

-What am I tolerating? What am I willing to tolerate? What boundaries and consequences do I have to set up for myself to protect myself?

-How can I simplify my life to live from a peaceful centred core? How do I clear my mind of all the thoughts to live in the present instead of regretting the past or fearing the future?

-What are my beliefs, values, and standards? How do I become a person of integrity, doing what is right and healthy for me? How do I orient my life around those values to feel fulfilled?

-What do I need to do right now to manage my life? How do I create the time, space, wisdom, opportunity, money, relationships, and sense of self to get beyond my neediness and to provide a sense of well being? How do I communicate those needs and surround myself with positive and constructive relationships?

-How do I focus my mind on my goals and to nurture my empowerment and self?

-How do I protect what is important to me?

As you move along through this thought process Ė ACT ON IT! Act on tolerating less, informing your wayward spouse of your boundaries, stating your standards, and living out your values in their presence.

Donít try to compete Ė be you. Itís the game plan that puts you well ahead of the ďgameĒ.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i read that, its really good advice and I will definitely be implementing that when the horrible depression subsides.

when i see him my stomach knots up and i want to cry and want him to put his arms around me. i want him to love me and be terrified to lose me.

So how do i get past the crying and acting depressed stage? i CANNOT bring myself to act cheery in front of him i want to cry whenever i see him. i cant act chatty because i just cant get the words out.

how do i get rid of those feelings soi can 180 on him?


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
sthnlady
♀ Member
Member # 17757
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought.
If you read the book, the source from which the 180 comes from it defines a 180 as
A complete OPPOSITE of
1. your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors
2. your partner's stereotype of you
3. the things that irritate your partner about you


BS-34
WH-33
Married 7 1/2 years
1 daughter ours, 1 daughter his
DDay-10/6/07
This too shall pass....

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SC
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smiley,

I believe in another thread you stated that your relationship with him is over. Yet, you want him to hurt over not having you. It doesn't sound like this is an issue of loving him... more that you're looking to define yourself by his reaction to you. This leaves you in a terrible dillemma. Wanting someone to want you will not make it so. Would it not be better to define yourself on your own merit, values, and beliefs?

I understand that it feels like everything is falling apart around you. I suggest that you start laying out the practical plans for how to move forward regarding managing your job, finances, time management, separation/legal issues, and so forth. Doing so will help you rise above depression and detach emotionally as they are empowering steps to take. You can't change his thinking... but you can start preparing to be the person you want to be.

[This message edited by SerJR at 9:11 AM, December 8th (Monday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SmileyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 19444
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes we are finished. I am not deluding myself into using the 180 for anything else other than self empowerment.

What i meant was i just want to lie on the couch and cry all day but i dont want SO seeing it. So how do i get past those feelings to actually be able to start the 180.

As for wanting him to miss me its got nothing to do with defining myself. I didnt ask to be cheated on, like everyone here, so yes. As much as he is an ass i do love him and wish everything was fine. I want him to want to cuddle me again and everything to be normal. That isnt going to happen and I am aware of that I just miss it.


Me: 27 - No longer a BS!
1 little Furbaby

"The bee's are dying? Oh no! Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwich's?" - Homer Simpson


Posts: 2556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Australia
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