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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
GingerBird
♀ Member
Member # 19097
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. He's been in counselling for a year and seems very sincere about it. He has said he is glad he is going as he knows himself a lot better than ever before. He seemed to have worked out his reasons for doing what he did quite quickly in the process - I sometimes wonder if he dug deep enough but his reasons and "whys" do make sense.

We're 14 months out and I have found it difficult to focus solely on me and my wellfare. To be honest its only recently that I have been able to separate myself enough to try and focus on me.

It is needed now though. My feelings about me (or more to the point not feeling like myself anymore) are probably the biggest roadblock to R right now, and to me being properly happy again


"True happiness does not come from experiencing pleasures of the body and ego—but from having experiences that stimulate your core self—your “soul”—challenging and inspiring you to grow into your highest potential as a person"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: UK
maddy
♀ Member
Member # 21812
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what does it mean to help the BS get past their pain? what do/did you do as a WS to help the BS?

also, should i press the issue of WBF posting on this site? he's asked his C about it saying he really didn't want to, and she said it wasn't necessary for him to. but i have some issues with his C and her advice. i think it would help him to see what he's done and to understand in a way he can't right now.


Posts: 475 | Registered: Nov 2008
joyce
♀ Member
Member # 21825
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to know if when a WS was describing their M or partner to the OP, was it in any way truthful or was it embelishment of the negative ways you were feeling at the time, as maybe a justification for the A? When you came out of the fog, did you still have those feelings about your M or spouse? I had an awful picture painted of me to the OW and I'm very hurt that my H could say such things about me. He of course, says that none of it is true. Thanks for your responses.


Me:52
WH:46 going on 16
DDay - 8/12/08
D22(his step since 3yrs old)
Can't heal you, don't want to cause you can't save your fuckin' self-can't heal you, don't need to cause you won't save yourself.Bye asshole

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: minnesota
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:26 PM, January 12th (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many of the questions being asked can be answered in the Healing Library area and also on the link provided in the original SI Staff post on this thread.

Please take the time to read all of the resources before asking your question/s.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
mom2beof2
♀ Member
Member # 19851
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time getting over this aspect and hoping that a WS could explain. FWH told alot of his buddies at work about his affair. He even sent a picture of her to his work email for them to see. He claims that all men would be like this (bragging about being with another woman). Is this true? I have a hard time believing this.


BS/FWW~27
FWH~30
DDay ~ Feb 4 2008

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: canada
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maddy -

what does it mean to help the BS get past their pain? what do/did you do as a WS to help the BS?

For me, it came down to first determining what was flawed within me. That allowed me to be able to state why I did what I did, to show her I "got it", and to develop coping skills that helped me to "affair proof" myself in the future.

Next was to follow the "when you want to run away, run toward" approach. To hold her when she was most hurt or scared. To listen to her pain and understand it.

Then, it was to start working as a team. We read "After the Affair" together, and discussed each section as we completed it. That made a big difference in helping us establish a common ground for healing.

also, should i press the issue of WBF posting on this site?

The question is one of determining why he is reluctant to come here. His answer would indicate whether or not there's a chance he would change his mind.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

joyce -

I would like to know if when a WS was describing their M or partner to the OP, was it in any way truthful or was it embellishment of the negative ways you were feeling at the time, as maybe a justification for the A?

The picture I provided of my BW was not an accurate one. There's no doubt I elevated every negative and did not highlight the positives. If the good were shared as well, the comments of affirmation wouldn't be as strong or as frequent (which is what I was trying to receive) because they wouldn't be viewed as necessary.

When you came out of the fog, did you still have those feelings about your M or spouse?

When fully out of the fog? No. I still have moments of frustration (see my post in Wayward today). But I have a deep, strong, passionate love for my BW and all she is and does.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
joyce
♀ Member
Member # 21825
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((listeningclosely))
Thanks so much. I realized that this was asked before, but I hadn't read far enough to see your previous response. Thank you for re-responding! I have truly appreciated reading your honest answers to all the BS questions that have been posted here. I can feel your good heart your wanting to help. Bless you.


Me:52
WH:46 going on 16
DDay - 8/12/08
D22(his step since 3yrs old)
Can't heal you, don't want to cause you can't save your fuckin' self-can't heal you, don't need to cause you won't save yourself.Bye asshole

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: minnesota
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mom2beof2 -

He claims that all men would be like this (bragging about being with another woman). Is this true?

All men? Nope. Not me.

I do think there are cultural difference based on geography, industry, background, etc. I have worked in environments where "girlie" calendars abound and where if a guy "landed a hot young babe" he would probably be slapped on the back for his efforts. I've worked in other companies where someone even attempting to type in the URL for AFF or Ashley Madison would get them on probation or worse.

Like any generalization, the statement is inaccurate. However, it may be his perception that in his work environment "male conquests" are celebrated.

Frankly, I'm not sure how long I could stay in that work environment now. I'm thankful I no longer work in a place that has that kind of culture.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when a WS was describing their M or partner to the OP, was it in any way truthful or was it embelishment of the negative ways you were feeling at the time, as maybe a justification for the A?

Those are 3 different questions..

Was it truthful? Yes, I told xOM that my H was wonderful and I was a bad person for cheating.

Embellishment of negative ways I felt? I wanted something specific and felt that the xOM could give it to me, not H. So, no, no embellishment.

Justification for the A? Absolutely. I should have talked to my H about this stuff 10 years ago! But I didn't, so I used that to mean that I had to look elsewhere.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Janis
♀ Member
Member # 18656
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feelings vs Compartmentalizaion ???

H is the WS. He is being everything I could ask for since about 6 months after d-day. We are 1 yr 1 mo out.

We talk it from time to time--which upsets him..I have always gotten trickle-truth from him.

He has "put it in a box" in the closet. H said he did not feel good about it while it was going on...but kept going more and more. H also said he thought I knew as I would question him about little things from time to time but had no proof until D-day (he thought I just didn't care)...then H looked kinda sad and surprised when he realized I did not confront him if I was just going to continue to get denial and no proof.....said he kept dropping hints...I tend to be the blunt one and just ask or say what is on my mind...

So why did he need me to confront him with absoulute proof before he could walk away...and then it took him a month ? H never told OW that I found out...

What is your take on this ?


me-52
ws-61
together 28 yrs (married 16 yrs)
2 boys--21yrs and 27 yrs
D-Day 12/4/2007
?EA for 10+ years (maybe always)
"just friends".....
R..One Day at a Time
Let the Facts be Your Guide...Not Your Emotions....


Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
inknots
♀ Member
Member # 22132
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just would like to understand better why MY DH does not want to reconcile.

I see so many impossible sounding relatiohsips, with LTAs, etc, deeper trenches than we are in and the WS wants to reconcile.

Mine does not seem to care if I were to die!

I know there is no answer for me out there. You guys don't know him, and you don't know our situation.

But it was an EA I tried to stop from the beginning. He kept saying they had a deep emotional bond, but he'd never had one sexual thought abotu her.

Then he said he was depressed and I was the only thing in his life that was good.

Meanwhile he was texting and calling her right in front of me. I even (ahem) recorded a 2 hour conversation once that was all about her and her problems. The involvement was inappropriate, of course, but he never said anything sexual or to make you think they were hitting it.

I kept on him and on him and finally he used that as an excuse to leave. He said he was not going to let me make him crazy. He was acting crazy but I don't think he is.

The day before Thanksgiving he told me he had not been in love with me for a year or more. And that he did not want to work on our marriage at all. And that maybe he was in love with her. I told him I wanted to move out, but he said to wait, because that was such a final step, to wait until Monday.

I told my sister about it and she said it sounded like he wanted to move out first to escape reality (based on all the things he said) and that he was going to use the weekend to try to force her to tell him how she felt about him, while keeping me slightly on the string.

I did not want to stay in that house--I could not afford it and it was so sad. So I moved out and filed a week later.

I figured I had done everything but the 180. So I have been doing that. Then I got an email from him saying he really wanted to know how I was doing, but he also brought up about the assets with me when I was cold to him. He said he would really like to talk to me when I pikced up my mail. I was only there about 20 minutes and I was so 180. I looked great, I was cheerful, I did not really ask him about himself.

Then I saw her birthday cake on my counter, her Dr. Pepper case in the floor, he is redoing my bathroom.

Later he went and got her and brought her to our house and I saw them.

Since then, he has been cold again. I think he was trying to play me so I would not take him for all he's worth (like I even can).

I do not contact him for any reason but the divorce. But she is 13 years younger, they work together, he has given up all his hobbies and his friends. All he has is her.

And I guess I just do not understand how someone whose defining characteristic has always been how damn rational and non-emotional can act like such a freak.

Anyway, I know you guys do not have the answers but if any WS can relate to anything I have said and maybe offer some possible insight, I would just be so freaking grateful.

I know it is hard to understand or rationalize irrational behavior but me not being able to understand AT ALL how this happened and so fast is keeping me from moving on.

Thank you.


Posts: 895 | Registered: Dec 2008
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and am trying to reconcile. He has agreed to NC with her. It is the girl he lost his virginity to in high school. She was unhappily married and in town at the right time. He says he did it bc she made him remember a simpler time. Before kids, a mortgage, ect. He said he did think he loved her and told her he did. He now says it wasn't love at all. That he is committed to our family. I try not to bring it up bc he gets defensive. He told me last night he hates talking about it. I need to know if what he says is true... I asked him if he remembered the night they were together. He says he doesn't remember it bc of the amount of guilt and shame associated with the sex. Can that be true? Can it just be that simple? I want to believe him with all my heart. I can't try to work things out if I cant get these mental blocks out of the way. Help please. any advice is appreciated!

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by brokenbutstrong2 at 7:26 PM, January 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
2muchhurt
♂ Member
Member # 22071
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to understand my wife. Can anyone tell me what the OM said to them to attract you a WW to the affair? What attracted YOU to OM? Please give me details as she is not being forthcoming. Can any WW help me?

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Alabama
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenbutstrong2,

I get the feeling that he remembers a lot more than he is letting on and just doesnt want to tell you for fear of hurting you even more. Although, there could be some truth to his argument that he may have blocked out a lot of it because of the shame and guilt. I know that I dont remember a lot of the details of the actual sex.

The most important thing right now is that he has agreed to NC. I suggest that you maybe give him some time.

I think many WS try to block out the A as a means of coping, in the process of getting out of the fog, because they are so ashamed and dont understand how they could do such things. Maybe give him a list of specific questions or ask him to write down whatever he remembers. I completely understand your need to have certain questions answered and hopefully your WS will come around and slowly become more open.

2muchhurt,

For me, it was a combination of flattery combined with poking at my insecurities about my relationship with my H. So things like: "You are so wonderful, how could your H not appreciate these things about you?" or "How could your H be the one for you when we have such a strong connection?" or "We have something special. You owe it to yourself to explore these feelings"...


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your response. I am not sure if I want details yet. He told me, at the time, he thought he had never stopped loving her and he was emotionally into it that night with her. I do not know what he had promised her, but it sounded like she was already split from her H... not sure there. He has told me that she is his past and was just an idea of a simpler time. He says he does not want to talk to her anymore bc we are better now that all of our problems had to be faced. The A just brought it all to the surface! I try never to break down in front of him. But last night in bed, I broke down. He held me for a few minutes and then came downstairs and slept on the couch. was i wrong? does it make things worse? I can move past this, but the mental images i imagine kill me. Did he look into her eyes, like he does me, and tell her he has always loved her. ugh. breaks my heart. He may have to go out of state to work in a few weeks. I am terrified. I do not feel"special" to him like I used to, even when things were rocky. Now I feel like she has a piece of his heart that will never be mine. He cared for her enough to hurt me... that's hard to take. Thanks to all of you in here. I couldn't do this alone. thanks!

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
Elle_47
♀ Member
Member # 10455
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenbutstrong2 - I have many memory lapses in my A. Conversations that I just completely forgot. Even liaisons that are gone from my memory. I chalked it up to the huge levels of stress generated from the A.

Your WS needs therapy, to help him work through the feelings and thoughts that made him think it was OK to have an A in the first place. The exact circumstances may be gone, but the headspace is not, and that's what needs to be worked on.


Turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are.

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Canada
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenbutstrong2,

It seems like you guys are on the right track because he does seem remorseful. It is good that he comforted you. I think you both just need time.

How come you feel like you need to put up a strong front and not break down in front of him? The things you are feeling are normal and part of dealing with the A.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
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