Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
feelsobad
♂ Member
Member # 22260
DOH!  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenbutstrong2,

I am more hurt by the emotions he had for her during the A.

There is a significant difference between healthy natural nurturing emotional wellbeing provided by ones spouse and true love - and the onslaught of pure brain chemical induced imaginary hallucinations of the A. In the A nothing is real, in effect the surrealness of the A feels like something good but wears off really quickly - leaving only confusion and guilt. For me, the A feelings were not real emotions but were in reality, lies I told myself and the OP to make me believe that what I was experiencing and doing was "acceptable" and/or "real"...it never was. The A can never have significant healthy meaning for the long term because it is always based upon lies and make-believe.

Can he really love me?

I completely loved my wife before and during the A. I even tried to "unlove" her during the A, but it did not happen; real love is extremely binding and strong and nurturing, even in the face of such nastiness and evil. I love my wife as much as I did on the day we first met; it doesn't go away for the WS, it might be muddied up a bit, but it doesn't dissipate.

Is he just confused?

Perhaps. Confusion is a significant part of the WS experience. Our brains were hyped up on self-induced chemicals during the A, we thought we felt good . When the "fog" started to lift, I felt awful and stupid .

He gave OUR love to her when it wasnt his to give.

You are correct, WS give away something that is solely something belonging to the BS. I am so very sorry that anyone has this happen; it sickens me that I am the reason my wonderful life partner is here and is wondering if it will ever be safe for her to partner with me again.

Thankfully SI is here for us and for you.


Someone please help me.

[This message edited by feelsobad at 9:33 PM, January 23rd (Friday)]


Me - feelssobad - recovering WH
BW - thisistough
D-Day - December 23, 2008
Married - 5 yrs
Together - 8 yrs
Filed for divorce right away; Final in about a month. BW has given up on us. She has asked me to move on. Move on to where?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Wisconsin
anotherday
♀ Member
Member # 18141
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feelsobad -- that was beautiful. Thank you.

Posts: 838 | Registered: Feb 2008
HiSwIfEy03
♀ Member
Member # 22536
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you feelsobad, you also make a good point. i know an A would cause a world of guilt and pain in myself. i never have and never would do it, but i was curious as to how a WS would feel or not feel to it being done to them since they had done it first. i do love my H and now knowing that it would affect him in horrible ways and myself, it lets me know even more to stay faithful to him and our marriage. thank you soo much.


FBW/FWW me 27yrs old.
FWH/FBH him 30yrs old.
M- 10 years
Together 11 years
3 DS- 8, 16 mos, 4 mos

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: from Texas but living in New Mexico
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HiSwIfEy03,

first off i would never get revenge but part of of me is like what would be the point anyways coz he probably wont feel anything having had an A himself.

and i was wondering would it hurt you at all or would you feel okay with it coz you did it first? again not that i would do it. thank you

I am going to give a different insight. My sitch is different than the most of FWSs here, as my A was open to H, due to my A was a product of alternate life-style, but I betrayed H, because my emotion got attached to xOM. We have been open and transparent with each other. During A, I was encouraging him to have another women, but he refused, telling me that he wasn't interested in others.

If he would have had a revenge A, and later on I found it about it, I would be hurt that he didn't tell me up front, but that since I cannot change what's done, I can only forgive him.

As soon as I started LTA with xOM, our life-style stopped. My PA ended Nov. 06. After that, I have no desire to go back to where I was.

If he insists to want one now, I would only let him have ONS once, and if he wants to continue to have A, I would rather leave him.

However we love each other very much and we are in the healthy M, and no longer want to share with anyone else.

We are R 150%!! Our M is solid like a metal.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Hiding in L.A.
♀ New Member
Member # 22391
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you react to the pain that your BS experiences daily as a result of your infidelity? What motivates you to continue on with reconciliation? What is it that is keeping you in the relationship with your BS? I guess I'm just having a SUPER difficult time trying to understand how my WS can have any respect or true love for me when he chose to dishonor the vows. I mean how can you go from driving a Honda to driving a Bentley then go back to a Honda? OR How could you justify trading your Honda in for a Pinto to begin with? I know these are silly examples, but they are as close as I can get...
btw...I'll have you know that I am no Honda...I'm more of Buggati

(reposted here from General at suggestion of admin)


Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Los Angeles
HiSwIfEy03
♀ Member
Member # 22536
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi beach,

my H also used to tell me that if i wanted a ONS he would understand and allow it once, which was why i figured he wouldnt care but i could never bring myself to do that. i guess i was just wanting him to understand my pain but now i know i wont act on it coz if there is a slight chance he would hurt even a fraction of my pain i think it would kill me. i am so glad that you guys are 150% R!!! and no longer want to share eachother with others:) i hope me and my H will be that far in R one day thank you


FBW/FWW me 27yrs old.
FWH/FBH him 30yrs old.
M- 10 years
Together 11 years
3 DS- 8, 16 mos, 4 mos

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: from Texas but living in New Mexico
feelsobad
♂ Member
Member # 22260
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiding in L.A
I cannot answer for all WS, but I can do my best (at this early stage for my BS and me) to describe what I understand from my own experience.


How do you react to the pain that your BS experiences daily as a result of your infidelity?

For me, it sucks. I feel awful and I know nothing but shame and anguish. I would rip my soul out to take away the pain if I could; but I am powerless to remove the damage I have done. I am completely remorseful and extremely disappointed in myself. My whole existence is based upon my being able to spend just one more minute in my BW's life, I live knowing that each and every moment may be all we have left; I know that though my choices and behaviors I have undermined everything that was truly wonderful and meaningful in my life. It hurts...it hurts an awful lot; but sadly, I will never know the depth of the pain of my BW.


What motivates you to continue on with reconciliation? What is it that is keeping you in the relationship with your BS?

I believe in what my BW and I shared before the A. We were meant to be and we are meant to be. I was a complete jerk a compete as_ and a completely self-serving self-focused toad. I love her and I want to spend my life with her, I want to share our lives, I want nothing more and nothing less. I love her. R is a gift that is given by the BS in response to the WS being or becoming the person the BS always knew that they were meant to be.

I have always been one to run away and/or avoid a fight a difficult situation or major interpersonal problems. My relationship with my BW is so important to me, that I am fighting for us (with me and my behavior being a major enemy to our success) with all my heart and time. This is very important to me, very important that I make things right for my BS.

I guess I'm just having a SUPER difficult time trying to understand how my WS can have any respect or true love for me when he chose to dishonor the vows.

I have love for my BW and I respect her: and I have demonstrated complete disrespect for her and my family. I disrespected myself and I threw everything meaningful away for the A. It is not the BS that WS do not respect; it is ourselves. WS are often broken in some way: we seek to fill the break in diabolic ways; often afraid to turn to the one person who can really help us - our spouse. For me, I was terrified of true & real intimacy, yet went outside the marriage to try to find what I was not letting my spouse give me. I tried to fill my personal emotional void with unthinkable behavior.


Me - feelssobad - recovering WH
BW - thisistough
D-Day - December 23, 2008
Married - 5 yrs
Together - 8 yrs
Filed for divorce right away; Final in about a month. BW has given up on us. She has asked me to move on. Move on to where?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Wisconsin
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

? FOR WS

I totally am starting to understand that A's are like an addiction. My H had trouble with NC in the beginning. There was telephone contact, however, as he came out of his fog/addiction he felt he needed to confront OW, because she also would not stop calling.

We both were there for the confrontation my WS told her that he hated the fact that he allowed the A to happen, what it has done to his wife and family. He told her he didn't love her, that he never loved her and that he loves me and to stay away. It's over.

My questions is, if you are the WS and your ex lover told you these things would this get through your head or is the addiction so overwhelming you are just thinking this is an act, smoke screen or would you be like this is really over. Here he is in front of his wife saying these things to me?

I guess I just don't know how wrapped up in this fantasy this OW is I hope she stays away, I hope she respects NC and doesn't come fishing. Any thoughts?


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
LostatSea4
♀ Member
Member # 21497
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS told me the other night that he and I have spent over half of our lives together (21 years) and he's not sure if he and OW are finished if he still wants to be married.

Is this fog thinking or is this normal, I can't tell which at this point. Also if a WS was slightly selfish before having an affair, do you think the fog would ever lift?

[This message edited by LostatSea4 at 3:46 PM, January 26th (Monday)]


R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SE
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostatsea

Have you be in R for awhile? MC or IC. Has there been NC? What's going on. Could be fog, but you must have NC


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BW in R with my WH. I am not good at the terms yet, so I hope i typed that right. lol. I need to ask a question to any WS(wayward spouses?). My husband had an EA for 7 months with an ex, and they had a ONS on 12-26 while she was in town. I found out bits and pieces on my own. Dday was 1-4-09. He told me then that he loved her and always had. blah blah. He has stayed her and we are R, but now he is acting weird and I do not know how to help/react. Is there a "self hating mode" that the WS goes through when the fog lifts? I tried to fix his plate for dinner last night and he said he didnt deserve anything I did for him. Does he miss her or is he mad at me? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Hugs to all today who need them.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:50 AM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of these questions have been asked and answered already.

Please read the whole thread. Also, please read the FAQ's, BS FAQ's and BS to WS FAQ's in the Healing Library...alot of great information in there that can help answer many of these questions

*directed at no one in particular, but everyone on this thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I still forget all that sometimes. I will get the hang of this though. This has been so great for me. Thank you everyone.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
brokenbutstrong2
♀ Member
Member # 22446
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to get things out of my head before I go crazy. I need advice from WS here. I am relatively new here, so I am not sure if this is the right place. But I want to know if anything in my vent I posted last night would give him any insight as to the hell I am going through. Plese excuse if I posted this in the wrong place. Here goes...
"BW here. I am 22 days post dday. Yesterday was a month ago of the ONS after an * month EA. Now today, my H and I(trying to R), had a talk. He asked what was wrong. So I told him, yesterday was the 26th, yesterday was a month since you were with her in a hotel room with her telling her you loved her. That you DID NOT LOVE ME. That her hands were ALL over you and hers on you.
Yesterday was also my sons bday on the 26th. My anniversary is May 26th. Is the 26th always gonna suck??? So when you ask a BS, what does a bad day mean? Let me tell you what mine is. Mine is waking up from a night FULL of horrid mental images of what you did with the MOW that night while I was home with our kids. Knowing in my heart something was wrong. I then go to the shower, where I cry in private so you can not see the pain you have caused. Then I put on my smile, so I do not make you feel bad about what you did. I wash your clothes and remember the green shirt I am folding is the one you wore to go see her. Then I keep retracing your whereabouts during all of the phone records I found. Was I asleep next to you on the couch during that txt or call? Meanwhile, I am taking care of our kids, our house, and the 2 kids I watch everyday to make ends meet. All the while screaming, crying, dying inside, but keeping it together so no one sees what a MESS i really am. My Armour is thick these days. I want to let you hold me and make this all go away, but YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF MY ANGUISH. YOU have taken something that I can never have back. These are just a few of the nightmares inside my own head 3 weeks past dday. So, when you tell me to just get over it and move on... if you took a few minutes to get inside my head and hear the hell I am in every minute of everyday... then maybe you would not need to ask anymore. Just look at the pain in my eyes. See the dead part that is there now.

Sorry. This was a total vent for me. I needed to get that out. I have never let all that out. Wow. So, thats what I would tell my H next time he asks. Thanks for listening to me vent. God Bless all. Peace has to be out there."


Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH/DH has NEVER initated a conversation about his ONS - other than when I'm down, or upset, etc. in re-itterating his great remorse for being the cause of my pain.

Now, I'm SURE that as WS, you yourselves must have SOME feelings about your "wandering" - either how you felt during/after that time, or about the OP, etc.

He has NEVER broached the subject with me. I would like him to "open up to me" and feel safe and secure in sharing.

Is this an area that I just stay the hell out of? I hate the thought of him having all these thoughts and feelings and not being able to express them.

Remember, his was a ONS with a prostitute - not a short or long-term relationship. Nonetheless, I'm certain that he MUST have SOME feelings about that night, the events that lead up to it, the aftermath, etc.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 2:39 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenbutstrong -

I want to know if anything in my vent I posted last night would give him any insight as to the hell I am going through.

My honest opinion is no, not at this stage. Based on where I was at 22 days past D-Day, it would have sent me into a self pity tail spin.

I think two possible reactions would happen. If he regretted his actions on D-Day, he would be beating himself up inside. His self esteem would already be at an all time low, and the vent would just rip further and deeper into him. Instead of understanding the pain you were feeling, he would be focused on how much more he was hurting himself because he created his own nightmare.

If he were not regretful for his actions, then he would hear the rant and just not care. He would still be justifying his actions in his own mind, and the fact you were so angry would just drive him to think he was even "more right" for not loving someone who had so much hatred.

Either way, the reaction is not one of understanding. It took me months to understand the pain I caused. And my understanding didn't come from words from her. It came from seeing her struggle every day to heal, and knowing any time a trigger hit that I was the one who caused it.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestatedx5 -

Is this an area that I just stay the hell out of?

Remember that every time the A comes up, for the FWS it reopens the wound. So every time we are asked about it, we have to revert back to kicking ourselves in the butt for doing something so senseless.

IMHO, you should ensure that your FWS is getting the help he needs but not necessarily raising the subject at the dinner table. Ensure that he is getting IC if it's needed, reading here if it helps, reading books that deepen understanding.

But having your BS start to ask you about the A is picking at a scab that will never heal. Rather than open up, it's likely to cause more pain instead.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Momuv4
♀ Member
Member # 17798
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For background info you can read my profile because its complicated.

I kicked exh out in July. I had enough. Enough of the lies and cheating all the way through my pregnancy and when baby was a newborn. Exh still swears they are just friends. I see her at his house alot, but they never go out in public. exh lost his license for a DUI (I called him in) and now depends on her for rides to his dui classes and help. She runs his errands, grocery shops etc. for him.

On the weekends he texts me that he misses me and baby. What are we doing? Who is your boyfriend? I still care about you. etc.

He also tries to be like we are buddies and friendly when he comes to see baby. I have a hard time with that emotionally so I don't let him be that way.

Do you think he regrets his decisions? I know he is angry with me for turning him in for DUI, but he also knows deep down he was a tragedy waiting to happen. He also will not admit to anyone that he and OW are a couple. She does, but he doesn't. He says they are just friends.

If he does regret it, why doesn't he do something about it?

[This message edited by Momuv4 at 4:20 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44,H: 35,Married 1 year
Divorced 07, pregnant right after.
Thought we were in R, wrong!
H still involved with OW 2/08
H said he was committed
3/08 Little Girl Born!
7/08 DUI and found contact with OW
Kicked him out!
Trying to rebuild

Posts: 972 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: California
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestatedx5

My fWH/DH has NEVER initated a conversation about his ONS

I don't think I've ever initiated convo either. Not because i don't think about it, but because my BS brings it up often. I'm not saying I don't want him to. I like it when we talk, it hurts sometimes, but it helps a lot more.
I prefer that he talk to me , sometimes he tries to hold it in, I can tell when something's wrong and I will try to push until he tells me, so I guess in a way that is bringing it up.
Like Listeningclosely said, it is like picking at a scab, it does hurt every time, but I think it's ok if I hurt, my BS is hurting and if it helps him, I'll take the pain.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
truetrainwreck
Member
Member # 21520
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is the temptation for the OP so strong after the fog is lifted? Once you come out of it and recognize the damage and choose your family why is still there? Can it not be like dating people? You break up and see that person but have no desire to be with them again. Can the BS ever look at the OP that way or will that always desire and be tempted by that person? If so why?

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Kentucky
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.