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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how many ws said they had never been happy in their marriages

Never! I never ever criticized H to the AP. I don't know if that makes my A "better" or "worse"..

are there any WS's who did NOT think about the AP when they were intimate with their BS during the A?

I never thought about the AP while intimate with my H. Strangely enough, after DDay, I could not stop thinking about the AP while intimate with my H. It was as if the compartmentalization capability vanished.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, February 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Song,

Never! I never ever criticized H to the AP.
Yes, I am with you on this. I never said bad things about H/M to xOM and didn't want to share about H/M with xOM. I mean, there was no reason to discuss about my M or H when I was in the la-la land that I selfishly created...

Some FWSs might have thought that by telling that, (trying to convince the xAP) xAP would feel sorry for them and be their KISA? This is just my guess..... sorry...

Interesting.....

BTW,

Strangely enough, after DDay, I could not stop thinking about the AP while intimate with my H. It was as if the compartmentalization capability vanished.

IMO, because we were in the withdrawal phase then, our body was longing for the "fix/high", but we no longer get the connection. I went through that, too, but not during A.

[This message edited by beach at 3:10 PM, February 12th (Thursday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
truetrainwreck
Member
Member # 21520
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did my BH use me and our kids to be around the other person so much? And acted as if it was nothing. I confronted him several times about his actions and said I was an idiot nothing was going on. Well I was taken for a fool. How could he be so cruel and no conscience to his actions and what he was doing? What kind of person does that? Once when we were all out together he rubbed her arm in front of me. I about killed him but the kids where with us. Why did he do that? Giving her affirmation and attention. But turning around telling me he only wants me. This is what is so hard for me to overcome. the level of betrayal. It may be easier for me if I hadn't been thrown in the middle of A.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Kentucky
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any WS had difficulty forgiving themselves and said too much damage has been done....so they stay in A and go on with D?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach,

there was no reason to discuss about my M or H when I was in the la-la land that I selfishly created...

That's exactly it. I created a fantasy world. I did not have an unhappy M and I never thought badly of my H. There was no reason to talk about H/M with the xOM. If I did, it wasn't bad.

because we were in the withdrawal phase then, our body was longing for the "fix/high", but we no longer get the connection.

I hadn't thought about it this way. For me, it was because H knew about the xOM and we talked about him, usually in bed 'cause after the kids go to sleep, that's when and where we would talk. It was like a barrier got broken down. Regardless, it's very uncomfortable!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Frogger
♀ Member
Member # 15442
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay WSs its me again with question number 639! LOL!


So I am positive my H is a FORMERLY WS. 100%. At a minimum I know the A is over.

But he didn't tell me that the A was actually a PA. I have asked him over and over. I told him it would be okay if the OW's baby was his--as long as he told me.

We have gotten so close in the last year.

I am devastated that I never got the full truth from him.

So WS--what does it mean? Why did he not give me that information after all we have been though? When he KNEW I needed it and why I needed it?


Love isn't enough, you need respect and trust. -Jimi40

Posts: 2296 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just posting a "thank you!" to the WS who take time to answer questions here. I haven't posted a question, but do lurk and learn from other questions/answers -- your insight is extremely helpful!

GTT


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily-

Have any WS had difficulty forgiving themselves and said too much damage has been done....so they stay in A and go on with D?

That was my #1 reason for banning/deal breaker/instant divorce my FWH/DH from returning to the "scene of the crime/country". Also was my second fear the times I kicked him out of the house. (First fear was him taking his own life.)


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just reading the FAQ's for WS from BS. There was an answer stating that sometimes they never come out of the fog, they were in a fog in the marriage or they come out, but just want a D.
My WH says he lost his love for me BEFORE the A began, and that he feels now as though he can never be "in love" with me but he wants to discover where his feelings are with her...and yes they are still talking....they were friends before he lost his love for me.
PLease if an FWS could help this would be GREAT.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sofresh -

I responded to your PM as well.

sometimes they never come out of the fog

IMHO, this happens any time a WS is not held accountable to the first choice they must make post D-Day:

Are they in the M or are they out?

If the WS is in the M, they must hold to certain standards to give it any chance of healing. At a minimum, this involves NC, honesty, transparency and IC. These tools will help the WS start to clear their fog and see the difference between fantasy and reality.

If they are not in the M, no amount of cajoling, pleading or begging is going to get them to think clearly enough to shake the clouded vision they have embraced. Allowing that fencesitting to take place is an exercise in futility. It's likely far better to start the process of D at that point. If that doesn't shake the WS enough to commit to healing the M, then it's highly unlikely anything else will.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has any WS triggered when they went to write their NC letter? Basically I have been through and 8 month false R. Final discovery was via VAR.

He says he wants to work on our M, but is afraid it will not work. He says he is NC now and I am leaning toward believing him. I have asked him to do a NC letter but he starts freaking out. I know he is worried about cutting off that avenue if our M doesn't work. But sometimes I feel like he won't put 100% into our M if he knows he can run away and someone will be waiting there.

If you did trigger and didn't do the NC letter were you able to still R by staying in NC?


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookin, I had the same fears your H does. I kept talking to the OP as insurance, not because I really wanted to be with him. I was more terrified of being alone than anything. That was something I worked on in IC.

I went through a time of trying to imagine my life without my husband, and with the OP instead, and it just felt ALL wrong. Because it was wrong.

R is a leap of faith- for both BS and WS. Of course the BS is taking a tremendous risk because they've already been devastated by their WS' actions. But for the WS, they're also risking something- because what if they do all the work and the BS leaves anyway?

I had to get healthy for me- to change for MY sake, not for the marriage or my H... but because I was tired of living and F'ed up life. The benefit was that I became a better person than I'd been before. Your H has to want to do this for himself.

My husband encouraged me, and told me he believed in us- that he saw my progress and appreciated what I was doing. My H also told me that if I didn't choose us, he'd be very sad, but he also knew he'd move on, find love again, and be happy with someone else. I had to hear that - and it was what finally pushed me off the fence.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
lookinforward
♀ Member
Member # 20577
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Fallen.

The only thing is my WH's fear is not that I will leave him, but that he will be unhappy in our M, that he will be unable to reconnect, and that he will be unable to be "in love" with me again, that things will not get better with us because once I ask him for one thing and he does it there will always be something else I will want him to do (as if he is going to be punished the rest of his life). He says he is just overwhelmed with a sense of wanting to flee.

He says his fear is not about letting go of her but about staying in our M. But if this is true then why does it matter if he sends her a NC letter.

As I told him. If you wanted to flee to a boat in the harbor, then of course it doesn't make sense to blow up the boat. But if you just wanted to flee to anyplace other than where you are then what does it matter if the boat gets blown up?

[This message edited by lookinforward at 4:06 PM, February 19th (Thursday)]


~Without Struggle, There is no Progress

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Aug 2008
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...don't know if this has been answeed, but how many of you in the fog said I love you, but am not inlove with you...and didn't mean it at all?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WS--what does it mean? Why did he not give me that information after all we have been though? When he KNEW I needed it and why I needed it?

Fear...self-preservation. I suspect that he was desperately afraid that this would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

It's selfishness, pure and simple.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lookinforward -

The only thing is my WH's fear is not that I will leave him, but that he will be unhappy in our M, that he will be unable to reconnect, and that he will be unable to be "in love" with me again, that things will not get better with us because once I ask him for one thing and he does it there will always be something else I will want him to do (as if he is going to be punished the rest of his life). He says he is just overwhelmed with a sense of wanting to flee.

It's impossible to see it until you make the investment, but what I found is once I focused 100% on our M, my BW and tossed aside the distractions of the A, the intensity of my feelings for my BW went even higher than they were before the A. I am firmly convinced that the intensity of the connection with our spouse is in direct correlation to how much focus we place on our relationship with them.

I am now more madly in love with her than ever before. At it's core, that love was always there, otherwise I would have bolted after D-Day. But the intensity is a direct result of my investment in the relationship.

As far as the desire to run away, I know that feeling. It's one of conflict avoidance, and it spells danger unless it is examined. Running away will never solve anything. In my case, I am trying to learn to be more assertive (not aggressive - there is a difference) in order to eliminate the desire to run from conflict.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
wherewerewe
♂ Member
Member # 20631
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WS:

Did you attempt to get your AP to become friends with your H during your A?


Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Did you attempt to get your AP to become friends with your H during your A?

OM was friends w/STBXH prior to the A, so I didn't have to encourage it.

I am embarrassed to say that I encouraged OM and OM's wife to spend time w/us as a couple in an attempt to avert suspicion. Certainly not something I'm proud of, but that's the truth.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
new_outlook
♂ Member
Member # 19398
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a question for any WS:

How long did it take for you to thoughts of the OM out of your head? My FWW has been very honest with me and I asked how often she thinks of the OM and she stated quite often. My FWW has really been focused on getting our marriage back on track since mid-December.

When do those thoughts subside and lessen or am I fooling myself? It pains me to sleep next to her at night knowing that those thoughts are with her.

Thanks.


BS (Me) - 47
STBXWW - 46
Married for 24 years
Together 27 years
2 children (19 and 15)
D-day 3/19/08
Update: Divorced finalized 12/28/12! Yea!

Posts: 412 | Registered: May 2008
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My high school reunion is coming up. An old boyfriend sent a fishing email. I shared it with WH, who DOES NOT SEEM CONCERNED AT ALL.

I would never consider a RA but why would this not bother the daylights out of him? It really bugs me that it does not seem to bother him.

He is very committed to R, so this makes no sense to me at all.

Help!

BS 47
WH 50
son 8
Dday 9/25/07


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
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