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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so maybe this sounds like a stupid question, and I am not sure how to explain it, but let me give it a shot...

WH lately has ABSOLUTELY SURPASSED himself in terms of being an adoring husband. Yesterday I got two dozen roses. Every day this week waiting for me at work has been a voicemail telling me how much he loves me. Etc. etc.

Clearly, he is committed. I just don't get how it is he was able to go from adoring her ("you're a disappointment to me as a wife - you'll never compare to OW") to adoring me? Can he be the same person?

I am enjoying this, don't get me wrong, but it's a little Jeckyl & Hyde for me!

BS 47
WH 50
son 8
Dday 9/25/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 8:18 AM, November 27th (Thursday)]


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
SRVfan38
♀ Member
Member # 19338
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((dayatatime)))))

Is it possible this is a false R??


I want to become the person my dogs think I am.

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Wannabe in Tahiti
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wannabenormal:

My WH and myself haven't talked about his A really at all. I'm afraid to bring it up because I don't want him to feel attacked and withdraw again.

I'm a mad hatter. Due to the nature of my xW's A and my A, unfortunately the focus for a while was on her A much more than mine.

We managed to somewhat get around this when we started writing letters to each other instead.

A letter (not an email), allowed us more time to think about what we wanted to say, and especially it allowed me the time to look at my own actions more than respond to her questions and statements, which turned into a tit-for-tat when we discussed verbally.

Writing gave us both space and time to consider our thoughts properly.

Perhaps it's something you can try with your WH?


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SRV,

Nope, I don't think it's a false R at all. He's been NC for more than a year now. I have been able to verify it. All of the stupid statements about OW were said during the fog. He's been a great husband to me for the past 6-8 mos. when the fog lifted. It's just surprising to me how much he wants to keep this M together after what he did.

BS 47
WH 50
son 8
]Dday 9/25/07


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't get how it is he was able to go from adoring her ("you're a disappointment to me as a wife - you'll never compare to OW") to adoring me?

He obviously never loved the OW and only loved you - he just didn't realize that until d'day.

Yes, he is the same person but now he knows what he has and what he wants. Now that he figured that out - enjoy the roses.

-JD


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2764 | Registered: Feb 2006
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never attempted this forum yet..but here goes and this question is mostly for FOWs, though I realize this is going to give a skewed answer because many OW are not remorseful and therefore would not be on this forum, and the question might be better addressed to them, but they aren't here, so here goes anyway!

BS on the forums are constantly advising other BS that OW feel great satisfaction when we call them names, or write them letters or emails, or tell them off. They supposedly "love the attention" and it makes them feel important. Just now I actually read advice to someone that said "it makes OW happy" if they think we are obsessed with them.

I don't believe this is true with most OW, even unremorseful ones. What do you think? I did tell the OW off (I highly doubt she feels any remorse and she is certainly not on a forum like this one though she still is with her H). I believe she is scared of me and slinks away as fast as possible if she sees me, and she lives in fear I will "speak" to her again, and therefore I am the one with the power, not her. What do you think?


Posts: 5577 | Registered: Apr 2006
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobbi,

This never happened to me, but I think I would have felt just so ashamed and awful. Even pre-A I had a lot of my own issues and guilt about a lot of things in my life and the A didn't help in that department, that's for sure. I think her ranting and raving at me would have just confirmed how I already felt about myself. I was pretty fragile at that point and I'm not sure what the effect would have been.

OTOH, I would also have seen it as somewhat misdirected anger. FOM was no victim and I would have hoped she made the same rant at him--after all, I didn't have an A with myself.

I have to say that both my husband and FOM's wife were nothing but respectful and loving to both of us through the entire ordeal (not to say that there wasn't anger, there most certainly was). I think that made it much easier to do the right things in the end. My case might be a bit unusual, even though it was the most incredibly painful thing ever for me, FOM and I made a mutual decision to end our A because we were destroying our lives and marriages. (Which I guess is telling in itself--we each deep down knew where we really belonged, though we couldn't see it clearly). There was no forced NC letter, snooping things, etc. Neither of our spouses demanded anything. (I think my husband knew that this would bring out my juvenile oppositional side--I loathe to admit it, but this is how I am--"neener neener--I'm not gonna do it and you can't make me") We just both realized that this was what we needed to do and stuck to it. We had to work together for over a year and a half afterward and did the best we could. This all went down nearly 3 years ago now, and I have NC today (as much as I can in my professional community, I changed jobs over a year ago). Changing jobs in the end really kickstarted healing, physical NC was easier than emotional NC for me. I guess I'm getting to be emotional as I get older. The younger me would have thought ending the physical was all that mattered.

Sorry to get off tangent, but after writing this all down and thinking about it I think that forcing things can sometimes be the wrong way to go. If someone had come and cussed me out and my husband had tried to force me to do something, we would likely have been divorced today. Given my mindset then, it would have tipped the scales to leave. LOoking back, I realize that would have been a huge mistake to leave but I couldn't see things clearly then, I just couldn't. It was not only the fog of the A but a lot of other contributing things including how I felt about myself and my job, etc). Hence reading, SI, IC, etc. In all fairness, using the ruler of today to measure yesterday would not be right. I needed to work things out without coercion to be able to know where I really wanted to be and what I really wanted--and I've told my husband many times that I am grateful to him for standing by me while I figured these things out. It is much more complicated than I can write down here how this all fits together (the A was only one piece and the symptom, there were others that go back to adolescence, ungrieved losses, lost dreams, found again dreams, etc). All I can say is that having worked it through and still having my husband-----I'm blessed. And truthfully--I'm more "in the marriage" than I ever was before, even on our wedding day. (I know, someone is probably reading this and feeling indignant saying "I was always totally in my marriage, WTF is wrong with that lady?" It just wasn't that simple).

HOpe this helps.

Kwills

[This message edited by Kwills at 8:41 AM, November 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Bobbie sue,

Just now I actually read advice to someone that said "it makes OW happy" if they think we are obsessed with them.

I don't believe this is true with most OW, even unremorseful ones. What do you think?

I am 2 years out. For the first 6 months, I never had a guilt or shame (due to open to H) and wasn't really remorseful. If my xOM's current GF still attempt to contact me, it makes me feel fear, icky (or creepy) and I would just ignore her, because I don't want to suck back into their drama.

It is more powerful for you to feel indifference toward xOP rather than being obsessed. Besides, it is not worth putting xOP's thoughts into your brain or energy.

We can apply "Indifference" to all parties involved.

Letting go means focus on your side of the equation.

Hope this makes sense.

[This message edited by beach at 9:21 PM, November 29th (Saturday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
wheat
♀ Member
Member # 18918
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobbie-

I agree: not all OW are the sick kind. I think specifically the unremorseful OW's gloat with satisfaction because they are sick, twisted people that enjoy the drama. That is a profoundly damaged individual that has almost a sociopathic response to other people's pain. They are also usually predatory and want your life.

There have been any number of FOW on SI who, like me, are doing quite a bit of smacking of selves for their stupidity. Or there have been FOW who had no clue they were even OW to begin with (IE: they thought they were dating single men and found out some other way).

I can't generalize and say all unremorseful OW are sociopathic in their treatment of the BS, but there do seem to be quite a few out there, stemming from what I've read on here of Psycho OW that won't go away.

[This message edited by wheat at 1:13 PM, November 30th (Sunday)]


"Every new day is another chance to change your life."

FSOW - late 30's, married now.


Posts: 209 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
truetrainwreck
Member
Member # 21520
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want go into detail about my H A. You can read profile. But I need insight from a WS. 7 months into the PE A, my H and I took our kids on vacation, what I thought was the most wonderful time we have spent together. Now he says he realized that he wanted me, not her. But continued the A. In fact when out of his way to do what ever it took to be with OW. Does that make sense. The other night we had a conversation about our vacation. He said he was confused about his feelings. he couldn't understand how he had feelings for both of us. But never intended on leaving me. But didn't want to give up his friendship with her. He said he was confused because until then he didn't think I truly loved him. But before I was doing everything I could to fight for him, because I suspect and confronted him multiiple times. I went as far as filing divorce papers to make him stop. But he blamed me for all the failures in our marriage. I begged for forgiveness and poured my heart and soul out to him. But he wasnt scared of loosing me. Wasn't the real confusion how he felt about me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Posts: 97 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Kentucky
CookiesAZ
♀ Member
Member # 20897
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((truetrainwreck))))) Oh my god!!! DON'T ever blame yourself, or beg for anything. As a WS, we do the begging for forgivness, not you. As far as a blame for failures in a marriage, he has NO right to blame you. Your not the one that went out and had the A, he did. He's looking for an excuse for what he did, and there is none. He's trying to look like the victim and he's not, you are. Don't sell yourself short. You don't have to win him back, he has to win YOU back. Your the one that got hurt, sure we WS's get hurt too, but we inflicted the pain, not you's. He sounds confused right now ( I know, been there). But I never blamed my H for what I did, I made the choice to have the A, and I have to live with the consequences. I have to be on his terms, I have no right nor would I set any sort of rules on what I want. Be strong, your not the one that did wrong, he did. He needs to win your love and trust back now. NEVER blame yourself and DON'T beg him for anything.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
me FWW-48
him BS-41
M-7.5 yrs.
1 dog (whos my baby.lol) no children
DDay-7-25-08
Came home after 7 weeks, and in R since-7-28-08


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


me FWW-40's
him BS-41
M-8 yrs.(together 10 yrs.)
1 dog (my baby) no children
DDay-7-25-08
Came home after 7 weeks, and in R since-7-28-08.

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Arizona
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, November 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by dremalou at 8:29 AM, December 1st (Monday)]


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For female OP that went to married OM's home for sex:

Did you have second thoughts, or think at all, about having sex in your AP's home? I'm just wondering what could be going through a woman's mind to enter another woman's "domain"?

For male WS that brought OW in their home for sex:
How did you justify doing this? It is the "ultimate" betrayal in my mind. A huge sign of total disrepect.

I have been able to deal with many apsects of my WH's A - but this one is KILLING me!

When I asked him about - he just said that he obviously wasn't thinking - it was simply a matter of convenience. And he swears he never did it in "our" bed - only once in each guest room (we have 2).


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping thread - hoping for a response.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Beach, Kwills and Wheat for your responses. The one thing I hear and agree with is that every situation is different.

Yes, I vented plenty at my own FWH for his "part" in the A, but I got past that as he is very remorseful and we have been doing well for a long time now.

But I also told the OW off, and I still don't regret that. It has nothing to do with continuing obsession; this was earlier on after d-day, and I don't feel it was obsession related, though it was anger related.

Is she sick and twisted? IMO, Yes. But that is because she used my H's mother's and DDs deaths to pursue him when he was at his lowest point of vulnerability. But does she enjoy the drama? As best I can figure her out, I would say no she did not enjoy the type of drama that would paint her in such an ugly light. She was not so much after my life in any conscious way, she was in dream land and thought she was so special that he would leave his wife for her. But dreamland it was. She tried to break up his first M too. Even though that one ended in D, he married someone else, not her.

I think I got my answer. Some OWs might get off on the BS telling them off but I would never make that generalization like so many members on SI do. I do not expect you to "condone" me telling her off. I just wanted to know if that would likely give an OW "pleasure" or make her happy because she loves the attention so much. I think it is a generalization that fits a few of them, not most, whether they are remorseful or not.


Posts: 5577 | Registered: Apr 2006
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobbi,

But I also told the OW off, and I still don't regret that. It has nothing to do with continuing obsession; this was earlier on after d-day, and I don't feel it was obsession related, though it was anger related.
I agree, if it was earlier on after d-day, that is understandable and it was not obsession.

And also you are right, each people reacts and behaves differently.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For female OP that went to married OM's home for sex:
Did you have second thoughts, or think at all, about having sex in your AP's home? I'm just wondering what could be going through a woman's mind to enter another woman's "domain"?


For male WS that brought OW in their home for sex:
How did you justify doing this? It is the "ultimate" betrayal in my mind. A huge sign of total disrepect.

I have been able to deal with many apsects of my WH's A - but this one is KILLING me!

When I asked him about - he just said that he obviously wasn't thinking - it was simply a matter of convenience. And he swears he never did it in "our" bed - "only" once in each guest room (we have 2).


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
hurtandbroken
♀ New Member
Member # 20936
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some help understanding why WS down play their relationship with the OP.Why does the WS say we were "just friend" when the proof screams that there was so much more?Why continue to lie to us?That just makes it so much worse.

[This message edited by hurtandbroken at 5:22 PM, December 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: ca
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lostandafraid,

I am a FWW and my xOM was a single, but I hate to see your question is getting lost, so I am going to take a stab at it.

For female OP that went to married OM's home for sex:
Did you have second thoughts, or think at all, about having sex in your AP's home? I'm just wondering what could be going through a woman's mind to enter another woman's "domain"?

Similar to your H's answer, it was convenience and selfish behavior. xAP was only thinking about not getting caught and as long as she could get sex, anything else doesn't matter and compartmentalizing (didn't think about) his family.
If she had a conscience, she wouldn't have crossed the line to begin with.


For male WS that brought OW in their home for sex:
How did you justify doing this? It is the "ultimate" betrayal in my mind. A huge sign of total disrepect.

I have been able to deal with many apsects of my WH's A - but this one is KILLING me!

When I asked him about - he just said that he obviously wasn't thinking - it was simply a matter of convenience. And he swears he never did it in "our" bed - "only" once in each guest room (we have 2).

I agree with your H, it was convinience and didn't think about anything else (compartmentalizing). If he had any conscience, he wouldn't have crossed the line to start with. Once the sex with AP is addictive, that's all care about, thus selfishness driven behavior.

Even though mine was open to H, I couldn't do it in our marital bedroom or in our kids room. That's a big no no for me.

I hope this helps.

[This message edited by beach at 10:46 PM, December 1st (Monday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hurtandbroken

Why does the WS say we were "just friend" when the proof screams that there was so much more?Why continue to lie to us?That just makes it so much worse.

before I came to SI, many WSs (myself included) thought, as long as I didn't have sex with someone else behind of my H's back, it was not cheating. But I was wrong. My A was open (it was a product of our alternate lifestyle), so you wouldn't think it was cheating, but my feelings got attached to xOM, thus I betrayed my H.

Your H sounds like as long as he keeps telling you that they are just friends, he thinks he is innocent. He is fooling himself. Well, he is wrong.

Tell him that you got a news for him. I would highly recommend both of you to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

If he shared any intimate information with AP and meeting secretly, that is emotional affair. Being friends is another code for EA.

Hope this helps. Good luck!!


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
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