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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostandafraid,

What you're going through is very common, especially at 7 months out.

I remember feeling, as a WS, that I was doing everything that I could but it just was never enough for my BS and feeling very discouraged.

I understand that you feel like your WS had to hate you to do the things that he did but you need to realize that his A was not about you but about issues within himself. He was able to do the things that he did because he was deep in the fog.

One thing that you can do to help you both get through this rut, is to thank him or tell him that you appreciate certain things that he does when you notice that he is making an effort. I know this may seem counter-intuitive and goes against everything that you may be feeling but it will encourage him to keep up honesty and transparency and in the end, will benefit both of you.


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostandafraid,


(((Hugs)))

FWH says he's doing his part, basically keeping NC with MOW. Umm, WTF is up with that comment?

Yes, you want to say what, you want a medal? Or some migh say "I am here, arn't I?"


Also says he feels like he can never do enough, feeling unhappy, doesn't want out, but doesn't know how to make it better for both of us.

What has he done so far? Is he in IC? Has he found his root cause (inner problem)?
Has he read After the affair, not just friends, and 5 love languages?


I feel like FWH must have really, truly hated me during the A period to bring MOW to OUR home. For God sakes, why or how would someone who says he loves me do that??
Back then, he was foggy and only cared about selfishness. My H became a father figure for me, and I loved H as motherly love then.


As a WS, what can I do for him to make him see it's just something we have to work through, or should I even been trying anymore?

Have you had him read the Healing Library FQA for WS? and also there is an excellent post "To all lurking WS's" by ListeningClosely in Wayward. Maybe print it out and have him read it.

[This message edited by beach at 9:14 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ibelieve - thank you. A couple of months post d-day, I was making a point to thank him for the extra calls, and texts, etc - I guess I'm a bit angry now, so thanking him is hard - but it worked wonders before - guess I need to hold on to that and understand that he needs some "hope" too - just as I do.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach - I guess part of my issue and he has done NOTHING beyond NC and being remorseful, transparent and doing more of the little things (calls, texts, cooking, helping out around the house, etc.)

No IC, no reading. He says that he realizes he made a huge mistake will never do it again because he couldn't bare to see me in more pain. Should that be enough for me??

I went to IC for a while and then stopped, because FWH said it seemed like it was making me worse instead of better. I think what he meant is it was making it worse for him.


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostandafraid,

he has done NOTHING beyond NC and being remorseful, transparent and doing more of the little things (calls, texts, cooking, helping out around the house, etc.)

I think, occasional acknowledgement and appreciation would be sufficient.

I think what he meant is it was making it worse for him.

I think he is afraid of facing his demon. Did he have any FOO (family of orgin) issue?

he feels like he can never do enough, feeling unhappy, doesn't want out, but doesn't know how to make it better for both of us.

Look at my signature line, "If you don't find a peace with yourself, you cannot find it anywhere else." I stared appreciation inventory around my life. I then learned to appreciate and cherish what I have.

No IC, no reading
Can he at least take test at the end of the 5 love language book? so that you both know each other's love language? Can he listen to the audio book, if he is not a reader?


will never do it again because he couldn't bare to see me in more pain. Should that be enough for me??
For some FWSs, That would be enough reason to learn the lesson, but for me, in addition to that, I lost true self. By having a double life, not only I was not honest with my family, but I was also disrespecting myself, because of addictive realationship with the xOP. I don't want to lose myself anymore, that was why I have no desire to have A. I am happy with what I have.

Hope this helps.

[This message edited by beach at 12:54 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beach,

ty for responding,

he did go to her house just not too often......and what did she get out of this realtionship...it continues for 25 years....???


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle,

what did she get out of this realtionship...it continues for 25 years....???

She was a cakewoman , and that she had A as a bandade, and only wanted her escape from real life. By having the limited contact/meeting with the AP, it perpetuated and fueled her fantasy, and left her with wanting more, but she wasn't looking for someone else to replace her BH.

I didn't want xOM fulltime either.

Hope this helps.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
maddy
♀ Member
Member # 21812
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, got a question for anyone that might have an answer.

WBF and i are still long distance and trying to figure out the best possible solution for the both of us to be together and where to live, etc. we've only been back in contact for 4 months after a few months of NC after i found out we were in false R.

i am so frustrated b/c i still am very much going thru the rollercoaster and have been on the fence about trying to R again. i recently decided to give it another try. but WBF is constantly saying how hopeless it all feels. i agree, it does feel hopeless b/c we can't come to a mutual decision about moving that suits both of us. but it irritates me and frustrates me b/c i just want him to be the strong one. i want to finally not be the one always trying to fix the situation. i want him to step up to the plate a little more. he's been amazing with being honest and transparent and as understanding as possible. but its like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts. then he comes back and withdraws from me b/c the situation feels hopeless. he's NC with OW and has been for a long time. i believe the A is over. but basically i feel like he is playing a victim to an extent when i'm the one that's been so hurt by his actions. does this make sense?

how, as a BGF, do i be optimistic and comfort him and figure out all the details when i'm still trying to make it thru the day. when i want him to comfort me but he always feels like nothing is enough. i've given him credit for what he's done. i don't know how much more i can do when i feel he's not matching my effort.


Posts: 475 | Registered: Nov 2008
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can be very scary for a WS to take the lead in making any kind of major decision after the A. I deferred to my husband on almost everything. I sometimes did that because I just wanted him to choose what would make him happiest, and sometimes I did it because I felt like after what I'd done, I had no right to a dissenting opinion.

Ask your H if he hasn't made a decision because he's afraid of making the wrong one. That was my problem.

You are not wrong in wanting to feel like he's taking the lead- you need to see that he's fighting for you and the marriage. But he may just be afraid of making any choice in case it's the wrong choice and you end up feeling like it's the final straw.

[This message edited by Fallen at 10:42 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WERE YOU MORE EMOTIONALLY OPEN AND CONVERSANT WITH THE OW?
If so, why.
Do you think you could be more like that with your h/w?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it irritates me and frustrates me b/c i just want him to be the strong one. i want to finally not be the one always trying to fix the situation. i want him to step up to the plate a little more

What was he like before the A? Did he used to make all the decisions or did you?

If he never did, then this is just part of his personality and you would have to work on it slowly.

If he did, however, then he probably is just feeling so tentative and afraid of making the wrong decision. I know that I still look to my H to see what mood he is in and then match it. So, I squash my own moods. It's not healthy and I'm working on it (we're both aware of it).

I also don't want to make decisions because I read here on this site that the BSes think that since we made all the decisions during the A that BSes should make decisions from now on. So, I'm afraid to make H think that I'm still making decisions and therefore hurting him. (I hope I'm explaining this clearly...)


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sofresh... no, I was not more open with the OP than my husband. I always held something back because I knew OP wasn't deserving of anything he was getting. In my twisted way of thinking at the time, by holding back, I was protecting something of my marriage.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
LostatSea4
♀ Member
Member # 21497
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does this seem crazy? Long story short, OW & youngest DS have sortof the same circle of friends. OW was texting one of DS friends to try and hook up and did not know DS was there.

DS told WS about it, OW said DS is a F*cking Liar to WS. After 3 days WS got back together with OW.

Why would WS do this after she slammed DS, in which DS was not lying? Not sure if I am over reacting or if this is mentally way off the charts.


R takes not one but two!
BS-me WS-him
Too many to talk about.

Posts: 992 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: SE
DoneThat
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should probably update my profile. But I will try to fill in a little.
Dday was in early Dec.He simply stated "I HAD an affair".. We discussed it in Dec. H said he wasn't coming back home,offered no info, decided to CONTINUE the A.
They split in early Feb. OW has phoned me to fill in details..I guess guilt sent her calling. OW claims she ended A cause my H was lying and not good person/irresponsible.
He came home just a few days later for second Dday.
He's been here for 6weeks.First slept on couch, then a month later moved to bed,put wedding ring back on last wk.
He can not say "I love you". Should I be afraid?
He says that he is sure that he won't cheat again..and then during the same conversation he says "I can't promise that I won't mess up again with 100% certainty because anyone could mess up; even you could". I don't believe that.I think A is a choice. DIFFICULT but it is! I think he is being honest as he can! He does tell me truth that hurts and show remorse in the moment for hurting with it. BUT he's never been the one to open the book to me to share the details or give me a reason that it's not going to continue or start again!
I explain that a marriage is a commitment to NOT have A! So are we married?!
I don't feel like this is full R. He says that he's living here and "trying". This in reference to all of the above. This is what OW also discussed w/me on phone. OW told me that it's important to let him stay in house and give him TONS of room w/no questioning so that he can come back to R in his own time. She said that's how she found her way back to R w/her BS.
A coulple of wks ago, I might add, he told a friend that he still loves OW and has feelings for her. He has called her and told HER not to call me (OW). Her response was "Okay, I won't call them anymore".. "I do care,Asshole".. His response was "I know you do bitch". Clearly flirting with her.
THey still work together. No building, but they talk thru the wk about jobs.
WTF? What do I do here? He won't leave his job so he can't cut contact. he still feels for her. He has the same ideas that she does about just sticking around til the feeling returns and you feel comfortable in M and are ready for R.
He refuses MC or IC. Says I can go to IC but he can't talk to people.
Last night talked and H says this "I can't make you feel better. You will always worry about it and even if I answer your questions you will still ask again every day." My response was that I should be able to ask every single day until I AM OK. NO NOT RUSH ME!

*Does he really not love me?
*Can he really continue a marriage with out 100% certainty-is this part of the partial fog still covering his brain?
*Is there a way to convince him (slowly) that IC or MC is right for us?
*What are more ways that I can assert myself without too much pressure? Is more or less pressure the right thing?
*I feel like he's calling all the shots. When can I make the rules? I feel like if he doesn't feel love yet the rules will be shot down.
*Is it okay to kick his ass out to "think it thru" again (happened in Jan twice)..Can I still do this if I find him small talking with her and I find him flirting-even a little- or am I risking?
*Are we on the right path?
He has told me that he doesn't know how much he loves me/cares for me yet. He says that he came back first for the kids and now says "I'm giving you a chance".
*Will he get to a place where he feels like I AM GIVING HIM a chance?
*Can I skip town for a few days if I am out of control or is this also counter productive?
SOO many questions!

[This message edited by DoneThat at 8:52 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]




Posts: 923 | Registered: Feb 2009
lostandafraid
♀ Member
Member # 21125
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the general forum today, but thought I'd post it here too for direct answers from WS's out there.


FWH and I have been VERY rocky over the last two weeks. We're trying to work through it, talking, talking, talking which always leads to more questions. I am 100% that he has been NC since d-day.
During our talk last night, he began to cry and say things like "I'm not sure I deserve you. You're too good for me". I think you'd be better without me."

Also said that whatever pain I'm in, I should multiply it by 3 and that's the pain he's in over what he's done.

Is this him testing me - seeing how I'll react to these statements. Is it odd that he thinks his pain is greater than mine, or is this perhaps a stage that many WS go through?

I know that I've been very focused on my own pain - perhaps I have missed how much pain he's in?

Just not sure how to handle this stuff - what it means - good or bad???

BS's in general seem to feel that perhaps he's finally seeing the big picture of the amount of pain and devestation he's caused and his pain is actually overwhelming guilt and shame coming to light.

For the first time, he even said something not very nice about MOW which was a first since d-day.

WS take on this??


Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2008
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any WS taken a lie detector test and "failed" when they were telling the truth? Please PM me if you wish.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
Ibelieveinlove
♀ Member
Member # 20921
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So fresh

In some ways, I was more open with OM because I felt that he could relate to certain things better but in other ways, I was not truly more open because I was not presenting my authentic self to him.

What I truly wanted was to be more open and to feel more understood with my BS and I should have tried harder to do that rather than having an A. We are now a lot more open with one another and this is something that we should have been doing all along.

Communication is a 2-way street though. You can encourage your spouse to be more open by truly hearing them and trying to empathize with them and being non-judgmental to what they are telling you.

lostandafraid,

These are signs that your H is slowly coming out of the fog. I completely agree with the assessment that he is finally beginning to understand the impact of his actions and is beginning to show guilt and remorse.

The statement that his pain is greater than yours worries me a bit though because it shows that he is still very focused on himself, rather than empathizing more with you. What a lot of BS dont realize is that a WS coming out of the fog does experience tremendous pain at the impact of their actions, the hurt that they have caused, as well as not understanding how they could have done such things. As he continues to come out of the fog, he should be able to empathize with you more and do things to help you ease your pain rather than focusing on his own. And yes, it would definitely help both of you if you were patient and also told him that you understood that he was also in pain. Overall, this is definitely a good sign!


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2008
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a new question..

we just reached a 1 year antiversary of d-day.. it seems that since then FWW has been having significant bouts of rage and anger ( and extreme sadness).. often fueled by too much wine..and directed at nothing in particular..
is this common with others...??? is she just finally realizing the extremity of your actions and the damage she has inflicted?
thanks for any thoughts..


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another new question. My wh is doing alot of thing right, and in my gut, I feel nothing is going on, but I am thinking about asking him to take a polygraph test just to know for sure and if he passes, to be able to put this behind me. How would you feel if things were going good and your bs asked you to take a polygraph test?


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(19)
Married 28 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
DoneThat
♀ Member
Member # 23040
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure many WS would not go for that. Do you think that yours will?

[This message edited by DoneThat at 4:24 PM, March 6th (Friday)]




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