What you're going through is very common, especially at 7 months out.
I remember feeling, as a WS, that I was doing everything that I could but it just was never enough for my BS and feeling very discouraged.
I understand that you feel like your WS had to hate you to do the things that he did but you need to realize that his A was not about you but about issues within himself. He was able to do the things that he did because he was deep in the fog.
One thing that you can do to help you both get through this rut, is to thank him or tell him that you appreciate certain things that he does when you notice that he is making an effort. I know this may seem counter-intuitive and goes against everything that you may be feeling but it will encourage him to keep up honesty and transparency and in the end, will benefit both of you.
FWH says he's doing his part, basically keeping NC with MOW. Umm, WTF is up with that comment?
Yes, you want to say what, you want a medal? Or some migh say "I am here, arn't I?"
Also says he feels like he can never do enough, feeling unhappy, doesn't want out, but doesn't know how to make it better for both of us.
What has he done so far? Is he in IC? Has he found his root cause (inner problem)?
Has he read After the affair, not just friends, and 5 love languages?
I feel like FWH must have really, truly hated me during the A period to bring MOW to OUR home. For God sakes, why or how would someone who says he loves me do that??
As a WS, what can I do for him to make him see it's just something we have to work through, or should I even been trying anymore?
Have you had him read the Healing Library FQA for WS? and also there is an excellent post "To all lurking WS's" by ListeningClosely in Wayward. Maybe print it out and have him read it.
[This message edited by beach at 9:14 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]
No IC, no reading. He says that he realizes he made a huge mistake will never do it again because he couldn't bare to see me in more pain. Should that be enough for me??
I went to IC for a while and then stopped, because FWH said it seemed like it was making me worse instead of better. I think what he meant is it was making it worse for him.
he has done NOTHING beyond NC and being remorseful, transparent and doing more of the little things (calls, texts, cooking, helping out around the house, etc.)
I think, occasional acknowledgement and appreciation would be sufficient.
I think what he meant is it was making it worse for him.
I think he is afraid of facing his demon. Did he have any FOO (family of orgin) issue?
he feels like he can never do enough, feeling unhappy, doesn't want out, but doesn't know how to make it better for both of us.
Look at my signature line, "If you don't find a peace with yourself, you cannot find it anywhere else." I stared appreciation inventory around my life. I then learned to appreciate and cherish what I have.
No IC, no reading
will never do it again because he couldn't bare to see me in more pain. Should that be enough for me??
Hope this helps.
[This message edited by beach at 12:54 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]
ty for responding,
he did go to her house just not too often......and what did she get out of this realtionship...it continues for 25 years....???
what did she get out of this realtionship...it continues for 25 years....???
She was a cakewoman , and that she had A as a bandade, and only wanted her escape from real life. By having the limited contact/meeting with the AP, it perpetuated and fueled her fantasy, and left her with wanting more, but she wasn't looking for someone else to replace her BH.
I didn't want xOM fulltime either.
Hope this helps.
WBF and i are still long distance and trying to figure out the best possible solution for the both of us to be together and where to live, etc. we've only been back in contact for 4 months after a few months of NC after i found out we were in false R.
i am so frustrated b/c i still am very much going thru the rollercoaster and have been on the fence about trying to R again. i recently decided to give it another try. but WBF is constantly saying how hopeless it all feels. i agree, it does feel hopeless b/c we can't come to a mutual decision about moving that suits both of us. but it irritates me and frustrates me b/c i just want him to be the strong one. i want to finally not be the one always trying to fix the situation. i want him to step up to the plate a little more. he's been amazing with being honest and transparent and as understanding as possible. but its like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me about his feelings and thoughts. then he comes back and withdraws from me b/c the situation feels hopeless. he's NC with OW and has been for a long time. i believe the A is over. but basically i feel like he is playing a victim to an extent when i'm the one that's been so hurt by his actions. does this make sense?
how, as a BGF, do i be optimistic and comfort him and figure out all the details when i'm still trying to make it thru the day. when i want him to comfort me but he always feels like nothing is enough. i've given him credit for what he's done. i don't know how much more i can do when i feel he's not matching my effort.
Ask your H if he hasn't made a decision because he's afraid of making the wrong one. That was my problem.
You are not wrong in wanting to feel like he's taking the lead- you need to see that he's fighting for you and the marriage. But he may just be afraid of making any choice in case it's the wrong choice and you end up feeling like it's the final straw.
[This message edited by Fallen at 10:42 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
it irritates me and frustrates me b/c i just want him to be the strong one. i want to finally not be the one always trying to fix the situation. i want him to step up to the plate a little more
What was he like before the A? Did he used to make all the decisions or did you?
If he never did, then this is just part of his personality and you would have to work on it slowly.
If he did, however, then he probably is just feeling so tentative and afraid of making the wrong decision. I know that I still look to my H to see what mood he is in and then match it. So, I squash my own moods. It's not healthy and I'm working on it (we're both aware of it).
I also don't want to make decisions because I read here on this site that the BSes think that since we made all the decisions during the A that BSes should make decisions from now on. So, I'm afraid to make H think that I'm still making decisions and therefore hurting him. (I hope I'm explaining this clearly...)
DS told WS about it, OW said DS is a F*cking Liar to WS. After 3 days WS got back together with OW.
Why would WS do this after she slammed DS, in which DS was not lying? Not sure if I am over reacting or if this is mentally way off the charts.
*Does he really not love me?
*Can he really continue a marriage with out 100% certainty-is this part of the partial fog still covering his brain?
*Is there a way to convince him (slowly) that IC or MC is right for us?
*What are more ways that I can assert myself without too much pressure? Is more or less pressure the right thing?
*I feel like he's calling all the shots. When can I make the rules? I feel like if he doesn't feel love yet the rules will be shot down.
*Is it okay to kick his ass out to "think it thru" again (happened in Jan twice)..Can I still do this if I find him small talking with her and I find him flirting-even a little- or am I risking?
*Are we on the right path?
He has told me that he doesn't know how much he loves me/cares for me yet. He says that he came back first for the kids and now says "I'm giving you a chance".
*Will he get to a place where he feels like I AM GIVING HIM a chance?
*Can I skip town for a few days if I am out of control or is this also counter productive?
SOO many questions!
[This message edited by DoneThat at 8:52 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]
FWH and I have been VERY rocky over the last two weeks. We're trying to work through it, talking, talking, talking which always leads to more questions. I am 100% that he has been NC since d-day.
During our talk last night, he began to cry and say things like "I'm not sure I deserve you. You're too good for me". I think you'd be better without me."
Also said that whatever pain I'm in, I should multiply it by 3 and that's the pain he's in over what he's done.
Is this him testing me - seeing how I'll react to these statements. Is it odd that he thinks his pain is greater than mine, or is this perhaps a stage that many WS go through?
I know that I've been very focused on my own pain - perhaps I have missed how much pain he's in?
Just not sure how to handle this stuff - what it means - good or bad???
BS's in general seem to feel that perhaps he's finally seeing the big picture of the amount of pain and devestation he's caused and his pain is actually overwhelming guilt and shame coming to light.
For the first time, he even said something not very nice about MOW which was a first since d-day.
WS take on this??
In some ways, I was more open with OM because I felt that he could relate to certain things better but in other ways, I was not truly more open because I was not presenting my authentic self to him.
What I truly wanted was to be more open and to feel more understood with my BS and I should have tried harder to do that rather than having an A. We are now a lot more open with one another and this is something that we should have been doing all along.
Communication is a 2-way street though. You can encourage your spouse to be more open by truly hearing them and trying to empathize with them and being non-judgmental to what they are telling you.
These are signs that your H is slowly coming out of the fog. I completely agree with the assessment that he is finally beginning to understand the impact of his actions and is beginning to show guilt and remorse.
The statement that his pain is greater than yours worries me a bit though because it shows that he is still very focused on himself, rather than empathizing more with you. What a lot of BS dont realize is that a WS coming out of the fog does experience tremendous pain at the impact of their actions, the hurt that they have caused, as well as not understanding how they could have done such things. As he continues to come out of the fog, he should be able to empathize with you more and do things to help you ease your pain rather than focusing on his own. And yes, it would definitely help both of you if you were patient and also told him that you understood that he was also in pain. Overall, this is definitely a good sign!
we just reached a 1 year antiversary of d-day.. it seems that since then FWW has been having significant bouts of rage and anger ( and extreme sadness).. often fueled by too much wine..and directed at nothing in particular..
is this common with others...??? is she just finally realizing the extremity of your actions and the damage she has inflicted?
thanks for any thoughts..
[This message edited by DoneThat at 4:24 PM, March 6th (Friday)]