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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When is your Xap' birthday?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a Q relating to a recent trip my H took...

I received red flags a few months ago when I saw that my H emailed his flight plans to OW. Turns out OW went with H when he flew back home to close up his moms house...His sister flew in 3 days after he arrived so OW was only with him for 3 of the 8 days. He hid her from his sister. I busted him the day he left after talking to OW family (could get the email he sent her outta my head)---when he got home and I asked him how he could do this he said that he didn't take her--she took herself--she paid for her own plane ticket--of course she wouldn't have went if he hadn't told her about his trip so what he said was utter BS---still tells me he doesn't love her. How can I believe that as he has now gone on a trip with her?
He did buy her dinner, drinks and pay for one night in another hotel when his sister flew in so that his sister would not see her...

Have any WS done this and not love the OP? How can you justify going off on a trip with the OP and spending the family money on OP? I just don't understand and don't think I ever will...

We were talking divorce until his father passed away 6 days after he came back..we haven't talked about D since we have been dealing with his father's passing....
Thx!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


We are struggling with R

WH - is having financial problems with his business & is pretty depressed. He stopped going to IC - not enough $$

In IC - I am trying to decide if I even want to continue in this relationship. The A for me is pretty much a complete deal breaker. Last year, I gave WH a list of changes that I want/need & he hasn't done them.

WH has expressed very limited - remorse, guilt, shame etc. According to MC - WH may "feel" these emotions deeply and just not be capable of expressing them. Sounds like complete crap to be - but okay.

Given the amount of stress WH is already going through - when and/or how should the marriage issues be addressed? What is a reasonable amount of time to wait - before filing? What is the best way to handle this?

Currently we are living like roomates.

married 27+ yrs
DDAY 12/07
DS - 19
DS - 17


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken:

you're going to hav to decide. Choose. To love or not. Because love will wait. Support. Help. hurt. you can't ask us if you should love him. that is a choice you're going to have to make.

my husband chose to love me even when I didn't believe I could ever love him back. He chose to love me anyhow. He suffered for me. He loved me and his love healed me and changed me utterly.

there are no guarantees.

so your actions will depend on your choice.

if you have decided to leave, make a clean break. And let him know, chances are he is living in limbo, holding his breath and it will be a relief. Do it as soon as possible, it will affect all his other choices.

if you're staying, let him know that too. And stop living as room-mates.

it is your choice. I am not minimizing your pain in saying that. I fathom it. I have an inkling, I've suffered other things I think that were that deep and try to use that to relate. I do. But I'm saying there is still a choice and you can make it.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

looking... I'd trust your gut.

your heart really is a good indicator and BS-detector. What does it tell you? listen to it.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

letting_go: in September. why?


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS: Have any of you told your BS ILYBINILWY or I no longer love you but care deeply for you?

Yes

If yes, have any of you changed your mind/realized you did not mean it and the feelings were just buried?

they weren't buried. I "loved" him at first, and then grew very hardened toward him, believed a lot of lies about him, then rejected him utterly.

but what changed was me.

I couldn't love you see, I was too broken. I didn't know what love was really. And it only came through his love for me, showing me what love was, that I began to see. I thought love was bologna and he was giving me steak. I thought love was beer and he gave me champagne. I thought love was broccoli and he gave me chocolate. I spit it out because I was wrong, not because he was. I meant what I said, the things I said... but that doesn't mean they were true. it means I was broken.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DoneThat:

prayer will help a lot.

your H is telling you what he perceives to be true. that isn't the truth but it is a greawt step in the right direction. Don't let it discourage you, what he is saying. He is probably wrong, and will be wrong about a lot of things.. but this is part of healing/change... truth, tellin the truth. and it is all new to him. you have no idea what a huge step that is, his trying to do that.

the things he is saying are garbage. listen to him, but just realize, if he keeps trying to tell the truth and keeps working, he will become the man who knows, 100%. who feels remorse. He is telling you his subjective reality. And the Truth is a person.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking,

Have any WS done this and not love the OP? How can you justify going off on a trip with the OP and spending the family money on OP? I just don't understand and don't think I ever will...

That's not just breaking NC, that's smashing it and tossing it in the garbage.
Does it even matter if he loves her or not?
I read your profile, and this has apparently been going on for a while. Unless you put your foot down, Demand NC, transparency, MC and IC, it doubt he will stop.
WS usually need a big old 2x4 to wake up.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
Holeinmysoul
♀ New Member
Member # 23132
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Holeinmysoul at 9:57 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


Me:BS
WH porn/sex addict/EAs/Cyber sex/Affairs/Phone sex/compulsive/pathological liar.
He started SAA 3.15.09
Married 4 years, together 7.5
Kids:from my previous marriage 17& 9, 2 yr old from this marriage.
Riding the roller coaster

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: FL
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:41 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are alot of repeat questions being asked.

Please read this entire thread before posting your question. Also, please read in the Healing library, under the BS FAQ's, WS FAQ's and BS for WS FAQ's before posting your question.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192070 | Registered: May 2002
hurtingalot
♀ Member
Member # 22194
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok I told my husband in November that I had and affair 8 years ago. He has been having an affair for 7 months says he is not talking to her now.
My question is could he be having the emotions of the BS after all these years? Could he be feeling just as hurt as I am after all these years?


ME- 41
H - 48
Married - 17 yrs. together 20
2 - kids
Divorcing

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NE
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia,

Thank you for responding.


you're going to hav to decide. Choose. To love or not. Because love will wait. Support. Help. hurt

I do love him. I have waited over a year for him to meet my needs.

if you have decided to leave, make a clean break. And let him know,

When I told him - in writing EXACTLY what will happen if my needs are not met - He told me to "stop Threatening to leave". Now I am in IC - working with the counselor to "make sure" I have stated my needs and given him ample time to "step up".

[quote]stop living as room-mates.

The only way that we could live as "husband & wife" - would be if/when he does the stuff I have asked for. Which brings me back to the original question. Given his depression, the bad economy etc - how long should I wait? I don't want to push him over the edge - but I also am tired of living like this.

Do it as soon as possible, it will affect all his other choices.

Sorry - that sentence just pisses me off. He made the choice to have an affair. He made the choice to not do the stuff I asked for. I guess I just want him to make a choice to put me and our marriage 1st. Or be a man and just say good-bye and really own HIS choices.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
LivingHell
♂ New Member
Member # 23095
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been trying to reconcile for about a week. I was granted an access to all of her accounts. Yesterday I have found out that she has been in contact with her other ex boyfriend, this guy is on another continent he is not the issue. After their communication she deleted their conversation and did not tell me. It helps to be computer savy, I was able to retreave the info. After I confronted her she told me she is still very confused on what she wants. She started telling me that she has lost passion for me for about a year, and now she is telling me we should seperate for a while. So she can get her thoughts together.
So is this still the fog or I should just stop turturing myself?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: San Francisco
LivingHell
♂ New Member
Member # 23095
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been trying to reconcile for about a week. I was granted an access to all of her accounts. Yesterday I have found out that she has been in contact with her other ex boyfriend, this guy is on another continent he is not the issue. After their communication she deleted their conversation and did not tell me. It helps to be computer savy, I was able to retreave the info. After I confronted her she told me she is still very confused on what she wants. She started telling me that she has lost passion for me for about a year, and now she is telling me we should seperate for a while. So she can get her thoughts together.
So is this still the fog or I should just stop turturing myself?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: San Francisco
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia

It's always good to see you on the boards.

Thanks for continuing to share your words of wisdom and lessons learned with us.

letting_go: in September. why?

I was trying to prove to myself and to others that aps will always be remembered in one way or another by the BS and the WS because there is no way to remove them from your memory. Five, ten, twenty years from now the memory will still be there and there is nothing no one can do about it but, accept it.

I don't know the xmow's bday; however, I do know that her and her H know my H's, mine and our kids bdays.

In the long run dates don't matter unless you attach some type of significance to it.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken,

You're right. he has made his choices. You're totally justified in leaving. He is being passive and it has every right to make you angry.

what I'm trying to tell you is that you're saying "I'll love you if you love me back."

the sad truth is he might not be -able- to love you back. I know I wasn't able to love my husband. At all. Not his fault, it was mine. I had a lot of work and growing to do before I could love him. I was severely broken.

but his choice to love me without expecting anything in return was what gave me that chance at healing.

now a lot of people would tell you that it is wrong to do that, that you have to hold him accountable. That he has to earn you back.

but what could he ever do that would be enough? really? anything? there is no price he can pay that will be enough for what he has done to your and your family.

so it has to just be given., it's a choice.

if you're waiting for proof that he has changed, chances are...he hasn't. Chances are... he might be close to the same place he was in before. It's been a year? a year out I was still a nightmare. I was. I think a lot of WS's are.

it is love that really changes us.

now it might be wasted on him. I do not know. You can't force someone to change any more than you can force them to love. Just because you love him without expecting anything in return, that is no guarantee it will help him.

What I'm hearing you say is that you can't live like that. That you can't give anymore. You do not have it to give. That you can't trust him and you're done.

well then, yes.... by all means, and seriously... soon. Tell him. You're not responsible for his going over the edge.

He is.

make the choices you need to make for you. For your sanity, for your life.

one other thing. You want him to fight for you. Just because he isn't doesn't mean that you're not worth fighting for. You -are- worth fighting for. You know that deep down, which is why you're so angry. He just probably can't do it. And that is his issue, not yours.

[This message edited by Maia at 4:48 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

letting_go:

I had an LTA, with an ex. I might be an extreme. I knew his family (dad, aunts, uncles, siblings) I honestly very rarely think about him at all. ..if he comes to mind it is like remembering a movie that I watched. It isn't relevant to me, has zero emotional weight. I actually have to try to recall how I was and put myself back in that place to talk to you guys about it. The only reason I really even remember the day is that it is national talk like a pirate day and I love that day....and it happens to be his birthday. so even given the whole LTA thing, I think I'd probably forget if not for that.

I think everyone is different and generalizations are dangerous. Yes, you might remember but ...it's like with my abuse where I've had a lot of healing. It's like watching a movie, watching events that happened to someone else. the pain is gone.

I remember about a year and a half ago, wondering if OM's W still thought about me and hoping she had healed. And I thought, "that is ridiculous... she will think about you every day for the rest of her life." I pray it isn't true. But if it is, I pray she at least gets that. That she gets the pain taken away, gets healing.

I'll pray that for you as well.

[This message edited by Maia at 4:40 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
Revkwd
♀ Member
Member # 4933
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this has been answered. There are a lot of questions. This is for female WS who are old like me. Almost 70!
Could you, did you go to a motel with someone who you knew as a customer in his store, without a kiss, a lunch, nothing and then give him a bj, being married and know he was married. Both of you with kids. What was the motivation? What did you tell yourself to make it OK

kwd


kwd

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maia,

I just want to know from a man's/WH point of view - how does the crappy economy (possible job loss, lost income etc) impact a man's ability to R? Does it change his ability to show remorse, guilt, regret,? I know every man is different - however IMHO - men put a lot more emphasis on their "earning potential/being able to provide for their families" where women put the emphasis on family/relationships.


Or is the bad economy just another excuse for bad behavior?

[This message edited by brokendreamz at 11:38 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)]


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