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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Maia
♀ Member
Member # 8268
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broken:

(((((b))))

thank you for clarifying. I'll try to point a few male WS's at this to answer you. Sorry I could not help you. I truly hope for the best for you.


We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6152 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American
darkbeast
♂ Member
Member # 19220
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Broken,

Inherently, all men are cavemen(insert joke here). We see a lot of our value as the hunter/gatherer/protector. I can see where a downturn in business would affect him.

I lost my job because of my A(today, one year ago in fact). I had such a flood of things that I had to take care of--help BW heal, help kids, provide for family, find work--the list goes on and on. He is going to have to prioritize. But if your M is important to him, it will be high on the priorty list.

Some of the things he says though, not provider related. Make sure that you aren't just threatening that you will leave. As I said to someone yesterday, you may need to jerk his chain HARD to let him know you are serious. If he doesn't do what he has been told to do--there must be consequences.

I never come to ICR--it confuses my small caveman brain.


I thought I wanted a career, but I discoved that I just like paychecks.

Posts: 2466 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Florida
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Maia!

Thank you Darkbeast! You are right - I just need to hold him accountable. I love him. But given everything - that is just not enough.


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
painfulandhurt
♂ Member
Member # 22666
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Broken,

I have been away for a few days and generally I don't venture into this forum either. I will take a stab at this however, this is just my opinion.

I just want to know from a man's/WH point of view - how does the crappy economy (possible job loss, lost income etc) impact a man's ability to R?

This is a maybe answer. I believe it all depends on the individual man. Personally, after losing a job I became very depressed. It was a bit like darkbeast explained in that, as a man, husband (i'll leave out Wayward for now), and father - I feel best when I am able to provide for the needs of my W and children. When I lost that ability, it was a severe blow to the core of who I was. Now, looking back I should have handled things very differently.

When you say -

WH - is having financial problems with his business & is pretty depressed. He stopped going to IC - not enough $$

I think the most important thing here is DEPRESSED. Now, as a wayward let alone financial issues (which I am knee deep in), I would say that he needs to go see a medical doctor and get medicated for the depression. The depression (depending on the severity)alone will make it impossible for him to 'truly' function as a human being. Which leads to your next question...

Does it change his ability to show remorse, guilt, regret,?

Absolutely. If he is truly depressed, those feeling will be magnified to the point of paralysis. IF you really want to give him a chance before bowing out..I will say instead of ultimatum or just tossing aside what you need (which IS IMPORTANT) make him go to the doctor. Depending on the meds within 4 weeks you should have a functioning husband. After that, I think it becomes a feet to the fire kinda thing like Darkbeast said. Depression alone though will make a man very unable to function, throw a wayward title and the other emotional toll and I think I would be about as useful as a big pile of steaming crap.

So I guess my advice, get him medicated for depression and anxiety, give the medicine at least 4 to 6 weeks to work, and then go after what you need with gusto. Be aware though that a side-effect of AD meds for men is loss of libido or ED issues. Not always but be aware.

I know every man is different - however IMHO - men put a lot more emphasis on their "earning potential/being able to provide for their families" where women put the emphasis on family/relationships. Or is the bad economy just another excuse for bad behavior?


It can be...Let's face it as a WS - if your arent owning your own crap, doing the hard self-examination work, and aren't sensitive to your BS - then any excuse will sound good. After all, we WS all used excuses to justify our behavior because facing the hard reality of what we did is exteremely painful not just to ourseleves, but everyone else aroud us (especially our BS). But again - I think in your case if it's real depression and anxiety - get those corrected before you make a decision. I would not decide if he is in that state because he may not really be capable of giving you what you need (even if written) until that issue is addressed. Once addressed - by all means - Hold him accountable.


WS - 30's (Me) BS - 30's (her)
M >10y
1 DS/DD
DDay# 05/2008
R / S / D - Im not sure and it changes moment to moment.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: lost...
stillme
♀ New Member
Member # 11010
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the WS's out there, well, the former one's anyway. How come you were so ready to dump everything (me, our life) back then--when I was madly in love with you--because you were bored, frustrated, trapped in middle America with kids and debt? Now you want to stay and work, and you do stay and work, even though I'm not sure I will ever be able to love you that way again, even though we fight and yell and scream at each other now and say the most horrible things to each other. Why do you stay now?


Me - 40
FWH - 45
Married 17 years somehow
D-Day almost 2-1/2 years ago now, knowledge that something was terribly wrong 3 years ago

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2006
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear FWSs,

Thank you so much as always for taking the time to answer our questions here!!!

I have a post-A question... even though the A was over, our R was too stressful, WSO too uncommitted, for us to continue it last year, and we ended our relationship in June.

Two months later he begged for another chance, saying he'd made a terrible mistake, he'd do anything to be with me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that he wanted to live together again as soon as I did.

I gave him the chance he asked for, but I wasn't ready for the living together again. We had our ups and downs of course, but I thought things were getting better.

In recent months, I started considering moving in together again, and that's when he confessed that that idea now scares him, he's not sure he can give me the level of commitment I want, and he feels stifled (this is not entirely without ground, I have always been a little controlling, and it has been worse post-A).

This all went very far, very fast yesterday, we talked about ending the relationship. We said we'd take a break and think about it for a few days, but I believe his mind is made up. My mind is telling me we have incompatible needs in a relationship, but my heart is still crying out to save this.

He is in a very dark place at the moment, he actually loathes himself for what he has done, he lies next to me at night hating himself.

My question is this:
Should I finally accept that I love a commitmentphobe, and that this will never work, or, from your perspective as a WS, do you think his fears could be coming from his hatred of himself, that he thinks he will never be 'good enough', never be able to give me what I want.

I know none of you can read his mind, but have you gone through periods where you felt so terrible about yourself that you thought you wanted to escape your relationship when you were actually trying to escape yourself?

Or am I clutching at straws?


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know lying is very much a part of the Fog, but let's say my WH is really thinking about coming back.
He knows there's alot of baggage and that it's going top be a hell of a lot of work.
How many said no because of this?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
painfulandhurt
♂ Member
Member # 22666
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stillme,

I wanted to take a stab at answering this. To your first question (in my opinion)

How come you were so ready to dump everything (me, our life) back then--when I was madly in love with you--because you were bored, frustrated, trapped in middle America with kids and debt?

This is different for every WS but at the core of the question - it really has to do with something (maybe many things) internal to each of us.

In my case, even though my BS was like you just described - I personally did not feel the same way. I had convinced myself that she truly had no desire for me and that everything was done just out of the status quo (shifted the blame for my feelings and inability to cope effectively with them to how my BS made me feel about myself). It was a lie I used to justify my actions, because let's face it the real issue was within me and the way I *interpetted* different actions / words she took or said. In essence, the *pressure* allowed me personally to take actions and say things to myself that gave me permission if you will to escape. Core issues like Low Self-esteem, pressure from work, the frequent denial of physical affection (any kind), feeling used, guilt for wanting things (time, affection, attention, etc) from her she seemed unwilling or unable to give, spoke to the parts of me that said, I wasn't worth being loved, I wasn't worth my BS's time or attention, I was pitied, etc..

My actions were really an attempt to make myself feel better about me (this is the real selfishness) and as for the consequences - I believe I knew them at some level but I was able to minimize them because I *needed* to feel better about me. Add to that, I was unable to communicate effectively what I was truly feeling and that honestly I don't think my BS was able to really *HEAR* what I was lacking - you now have the problem we are all facing here at SI.

So you see, I was in a very different place and it really had nothing to do with my BS - it really was an internal issue I wasn't really aware of. It was never intended to hurt my BS, it was intended to make me feel better about *me*.

Now to your second question -

Now you want to stay and work, and you do stay and work, even though I'm not sure I will ever be able to love you that way again, even though we fight and yell and scream at each other now and say the most horrible things to each other. Why do you stay now?

Why do I stay, work, and fight for my BS's love that she may never feel again? After (and still going btw) IC and some real hard internal examination, I can understand better why I did what I did. I now understand better what I need to do to fix myself to ensure what happened never happens again. I now understand the fullness of the consequences of my actions and the how I was truly broken. I now fight for those things I have no right to fight for because in the fullness of time and through the deep internal inspection, I can clearly see what I had and am slowly losing. I now can look back and realize how my BS felt *before* I F.U.B.A.R.ed our life together. I now have the ability to be a more whole partner to my BS and would walk through the fires of hell to EARN back that love and trust. I now realize I can never truly atone for what I have done, but I now fight for the what if. What if my BS in time can see that I am not only better, but that I really am capable of a real loving, intimate, close, open, transparent, shared relationship. Something deeper and better than what we had before. I fight for that vision, to give my BS the love, honor, and respect I wasted and she truly deserved all along.

It may be selfish still to want something so badly that my BS does not or can not give to me because of all the things I stole from her. But I must try. I must work harder than I ever thought I was capable of to earn those things back, because my BS is worth that fight. My BS is worth any and all effort. My BS is worth what is left of the life I have and if I must pay forever for what my selfish actions inflicted upon her, it is only what I justly deserve. I want my BS to feel the fruits of the labor I am undergoing because that is what she deserves after all the years of putting up with my crap, she deserves the whole and better me. If however, my BS's feeling about me do not change despite everything I have done and am now doing(not just for myself) for our relationship and our children, then I must accpet that as the consequence. I must then live with the poor selfish choices I made for the rest of my life no matter what. But I will also know, that despite everything, I will never bring that pain and misery to anyone else. That is why I now fight.

I hope that answers your question - you are worthy of so much more than we WS offered up before and you deserve better - we know it and because we truly deeply know it, we fight for the what if one day...


WS - 30's (Me) BS - 30's (her)
M >10y
1 DS/DD
DDay# 05/2008
R / S / D - Im not sure and it changes moment to moment.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: lost...
painfulandhurt
♂ Member
Member # 22666
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Charli,

Should I finally accept that I love a commitmentphobe, and that this will never work, or, from your perspective as a WS, do you think his fears could be coming from his hatred of himself, that he thinks he will never be 'good enough', never be able to give me what I want.

I know none of you can read his mind, but have you gone through periods where you felt so terrible about yourself that you thought you wanted to escape your relationship when you were actually trying to escape yourself?

Or am I clutching at straws?

I don't think your clutching at straws but without really knowing your WS, I would say this...

If he hasn't been in counciling to address his internal issues and hasn't worked hard at trying to uncover the parts of himself he fears, I would encourage you to encourage him to do that hard work. Also, couples / marriage counseling if he is being open and honest (and your willing to do the same ) no matter how bad it hurts either of you - could do wonders to giving you the clarity you need. Fear itself is paralyzing, but not understanding what lies below the fear is downright debilitating. If you have been seperated for a while and your a ontrolling person (both Pre and Post A) that is an issue you must address yourself. No one should try tocontrol someone else and that may truly be his fear. I can understand why though you would want to (past performace of a WS and all) but in the end it will only hurt the relationship long term. When something is given freely and without reserveration or without a tit-for-tat mentality, it makes the gift that much more enjoyable. It is to that level you want seek in any relationship and after a betrayal it is hard to find.

I encourage the hard work, examine yourself and why you feel the ned to control, and for him to find the source of his fears (unfounded or grounded) before you make any decision. Just my two cents and I hope it does not offend because that is not my intention.


WS - 30's (Me) BS - 30's (her)
M >10y
1 DS/DD
DDay# 05/2008
R / S / D - Im not sure and it changes moment to moment.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: lost...
humboldtmom
♀ Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this answer may vary, but I'm curious...how often do the WS's think about the A after it's over? There have been many posts on this regarding BS's thinking about it daily, even 3 yrs out.

I'm 6 months out and yup, I think of it daily, but FWH says he NEVER thinks of it unless I mention it. This kind of floored me, so I'd like to hear more opinions out there, along with how far out you are.

Thanks for any insight.


Me BS - 32
FWH - 34 - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP)
Together 13y Married 10y
3 children: 10 & 9 & 1 1/2
D-Day 9/08

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2008
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how often do the WS's think about the A after it's over?

I'm about 4 months out and I think about the A daily. Not so much the xOM, just the fact that I had an A. I think being addicted to this site does not help... Part of me coming to this site and remembering the A is to remind myself that I was bad... I guess if I don't think of it, I think I'm sweeping it under the rug and I feel guilty for doing that.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A happened from 2005-2006 and we had to work together until I finally left that job in 2007, about 21 months after the A ended. It is now 2009 and I still think about it on a daily basis in some form or another. No longer fond feelings for the OP or anything like that, more trying to figure out where we are in our marriage. These are the same issues we (I)struggled with pre-A, so somehow they all relate. I have a lot of ambivalence about my marriage at times (my favorite word). I think if I could resolve this ambivalence once and for all I would stop thinking about the A at all. My FBH never brings it up at all and gets upset if I do. However, he does know that I frequent SI on a daily basis.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
hard2believe
♂ New Member
Member # 23247
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

for FWS:

(I posted this in another forum, but some suggested I post here)

What sort of advice and feedback is my WW getting from her friends, family, lawyers, and therapist about our situation (separated, she doesn't bring up R, no kids, heading to divorce)?

Long story short: She's somewhat narcissistic, 32, just finished an MBA with a new job, had eating disorders, is skinny, well dressed girl, loves to shop, is not afraid to lie about our situation to make herself look good and has told half-truths to some of our common friends about the extent of what happened (oh, we were already talking about breaking up, and I just really wanted to end things, so I was weak and cheated on poor BS, and now he wont even take me back). She cheated for at least 2 months with a married man w/ 2 kids, told me she wanted to end things while the A was still hot, and tried to blame the end of our relationship on me without telling me she was cheating. I think the A with the married man has ended, but not 100% sure.

I believe the A is over, but my WW still pushes divorce with me. But her mom has told me that my WW told her she'd be open to reconcile if I were to fight for her (perhaps this is a lie she told her mom. WW's mom doesn't know about the A yet). My wife has communicated this to me more subtly in a surprise phone call last week after 1 month of no talking.

However, WW has also emphatically told me that she thinks it'd be best if we don't go to therapy or try to work anything out in our relationship. She keeps saying that the interactions we had after I discovered the A are to tense and a further indicator of why we are not good together. (i.e. I kicked her out, I made us split up all the money rather aggressively, I told a few of our mutual friends what had happened, I wasn't available on the day she wanted to come get stuff out of the house, etc).

She said it was her therapist that told her we shouldn't do any therapy, that her best friend (who recently divorced a cheating husband herself) told her that she wouldn't be doing all this if she were happy. She doesn't want to talk about the relationship, except that she called me last Sunday out of the blue to push me about what I had told her mom a few weeks back about how I felt about her.

We talked tonight for the first time in a month, and she asked me if I was being honest with my therapist in telling them that I had told some of our common friends about her afair (as if that is so awful). She told me I was acting sick in my head, and that she was so disappointed in me, never expected this behavior out of me, as if she would consider reconciliation but for all the mean things I've done to her since separation, like kicking her out. She blew up when I said that I disagreed that she I should have to pick up her credit card debt without reimbursement for her clothes and that per Cali law, her student loan goes with her, not me.

Would people be telling her and supporting her in these ideas? I'm sure she's not telling everyone the whole truth, but I know some of her friends know she cheated.

What's it like to be in her shoes right now?

What are people telling her?

What is she thinking and going through?


Any insights from WS's?



Married 7.75 years; no kids

Divorce closed October 2009 (her choice the whole way)


Posts: 45 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: CA
the fsc
♂ Member
Member # 23028
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would people be telling her and supporting her in these ideas? I'm sure she's not telling everyone the whole truth, but I know some of her friends know she cheated

H2B...Anyone who would support your WW is NOT a friend of your marriage, BOTTOM LINE. They are a friend of your WW, and they will listen to whatever lies she tells them.

It sounds like she is unsure of what she wants. In my opinion I think you need to put the 180 in full effect. You've clearly allowed her enough time to start her trek out of the fog. Sounds like she needs a good chain jerk to show her you're serious.

If she truly wants reconciliation, then she needs to prove it. Don't give her the "you were the one who wanted R, NOT me" card to play on you later.

Be strong...look out for yourself.

Just my 2-cents.

[This message edited by the fsc at 7:55 PM, March 22nd (Sunday)]


WH - (45) Me
BS - (44) Her (Redrock)

D Day 3/23/2008
Easter


Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Michigan
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many WS's surround themselves with friends who generally have favorable opinions of fidelity. Add to that the lies that the WS will tell about the BS (he abuses me, he is a terrible kisser, he smells funny, he has OCD, etc.) - don't look for support among the WS's friends.

Remember, the main M.O. of an active WS is: get ego stroked! They're not going to work hard to maintain friendships with people who make them feel bad about what they're doing.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
Sodown
♀ Member
Member # 2477
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all know me,. been here for 5 yrs and H will not fess up nor have I caught him with any OW outright. Many things for me have improved greatly over the last yr or so. Even my H treats me well compared to a yr ago but still the lingering doubts persist and will not go away for long. I tend to beleive now that he has seen many OW over the yrs being married to me, as opposed to one. Which bring me to this question..

If you had more than one affair partner, or were a chronic cheater with many people, had you never been caught redhanded or confessed, do you think you would have ever stopped?

Is there anything that your spouse could have done/said that would have made you think about stopping?

Thanks in advance



A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willets (Thanks to Treharris Mid Glamorgan)

Posts: 4797 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: anywhere but here...
stillme
♀ New Member
Member # 11010
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Stillme,
I wanted to take a stab at answering this. To your first question (in my opinion)


How come you were so ready to dump everything (me, our life) back then--when I was madly in love with you--because you were bored, frustrated, trapped in
Painfulandhurt - Thank you so much. I'm re-reading and re-reading what you wrote above, trying to really understand. I think you are probably a whole lot like my husband. If your spouse is a lot like me, she is hopeful too, just scared and scarred. I have my fingers crossed for both of us.


middle America with kids and debt?
This is different for every WS but at the core of the question - it really has to do with something (maybe many things) internal to each of us.


Me - 40
FWH - 45
Married 17 years somehow
D-Day almost 2-1/2 years ago now, knowledge that something was terribly wrong 3 years ago

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2006
painfulandhurt
♂ Member
Member # 22666
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again Stillme,

let me try and clarify the part you posted:


middle America with kids and debt?
This is different for every WS but at the core of the question - it really has to do with something (maybe many things) internal to each of us.

What I think I was trying to say - that each of WS's internally have something - sometimes more than a single something - that is internal to us - that we can not somehow fully wrap even our own minds around. This something is a flaw within our personality / character. As a WS begins to really explore inside themselves, we can start to identify that part(s) of ourselves that enabled us to essentially go beyond good to doing something we may have never thought ourselves capapble of. For myself those somethings - poor to no personal boundaries, the need to be externally validated by others, the addictive feeling of being *needed* (read as KISA aka Knight in shining armor), low-selfesteem, conflict avoidance, and an inability to communicate effectively How I was/am feeling. These deep deep seated things within me, we part of the reason I was somehow able to justify to myself the ability to more or less walk away from my BS into a fantasy land. You add to that, kids, job pressures, daily life strains, finance issues, etc... My ability to truly cope was completely diminished and at times I truly felt like a failure. The internet was my avenue to kind of pump myself up. I could find pepole worse off, or in need, or... you get my drift? It was almost toxic but some magic 8x16's occurred which woke me up to the fact *I* had issues.

So without those 8x16's (since 2x4's don't seem to work), I probably would have never stopped and slipped further into lala land. The hardest thing though for me to accept though is all of the collateral damage I caused along the way. Now I can take almost like a 3rd party position and observe the effects of my actions or lack there of. Talk about the wake up call of wake up calls. So I really *get* what I did, why I did, how I did, and everything in between.

I hope that clears it up a bit, if not feel free to PM me and I'll take another stab at it.

Also thank you for your comments. I truly hope my BS has your attitude internal because externally, I am paying a very heavy price. Each day is very painful (probably not as painful as what she is feeling internally) but the intentional pain she inflicts (which I accept as part of the damage I have done) is very tough to bear. The statements she makes, the emotional divorce(won't share anything above the surface), the phyiscal withdrawl(even gone to changing in other room - won't let me see her naked anymore), and the actions she takes (no more calls during the day, etc) have me completely unglued. Most days It truly is a fight -makes me question myself, my sanity - but deep down - I believe fighting for her is worth all of it. I truly hope it gets better but like today (my birthday) no card, no kiss, no hug, no nothing. It hurts - hurts in a very real and physically painful way, but again - I see her and say to myself - it is a small price to pay for hopefully a better tomorrow. No matter what I wont be bitter, she deserves my best and so much more.

I hope you and your husband find a place of some peace and reconcilement. He gets the help he needs and you get the help you need. I send you my good wishes and thoughts, because the road is long, the road is rough, and hopefully with enough time - things will be better than ever.


WS - 30's (Me) BS - 30's (her)
M >10y
1 DS/DD
DDay# 05/2008
R / S / D - Im not sure and it changes moment to moment.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: lost...
want-it-2-b-ok
♀ Member
Member # 23323
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this qu has already been asked and answered I am sorry...
I wanted to ask all WH's.. why can she be so dumped and NC'd once the A is out?


Does that mean WE actually do mean more to you than the OW or what? Was she a 'mistake' or what? Just a 'bit on the side' to fill the gap the marrital partner was (for whatever reason) not filling?

I am confused and would really like a handle on this..


"I'm darned if FWH messed up that bad- worked so hard to fix himself-becomes such a good person and I then cut him loose so the next woman enjoys what my heartbreak created out of him" NewAttitude. BS: me FWH: him.Dday 02/10.In R

Posts: 676 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Cloud cuckoo land???
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sodown,
If you had more than one affair partner, or were a chronic cheater with many people, had you never been caught redhanded or confessed, do you think you would have ever stopped?

I had multiple A's. I stopped before being caught or confessing. I just knew I didn't want to do that anymore. BS confronted me about 9 months after I had stopped. I denied and finally confessed.
I don't want to think that I would have done it again but I know that I had to address my issues and work on fixing myself. I wouldn't have done that without being caught or confessing.
And even if I never did it again, without being totally honest with my BH, our relationship wouldn't be what it should be, certainly not the kind of relationship he deserves.
I can't tell you what will make your WS see the light, I can only share my experience. My BH just kept asking and kept asking, At first I only admitted to 1 A, It was when he basically gave me an ultimatum, tell him everything, be completely honest or it's over, that's when I saw the light.


WS 42

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