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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he did have an emotional attachment, at least for most of it according to him. he told her he loved her and he thought he did for a while. he said that right before christmas he realized that he didn't love her and that he knew he wanted out.

he says he tried ending it, but that's when she went psycho and threatened telling me and her husband. my husband said he felt trapped at first, but he eventually got sick of her "blackmailing" him and told her to go ahead and do whatever she needed to do becasue no matter what, it was over.

I forgot to comment on this. It sounds like the relationship went sour and he was done with her by that point. Mine was in full swing when we were caught, so it's a different thing.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
Lilly642
♀ Member
Member # 23984
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she was pregnant when the affair started. it didn't become sexual until after the babies were born. they were born at the end of sept and they started having sex in november. at least that's what he says.

he says that in december before christmas, she told him that she had in vitro to conceive her babies and that made him "wake up" and really realize what kind of person she is. she and her husband spent thousands of dollars to have children together and she's f'ing some other guy.


me-BW(29)
WH(31)
divorce will be final 1-19-10

Posts: 205 | Registered: May 2009 | From: ohio
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We behaved as good friends do, except that we were having an affair. And we never understood that having an affair meant we weren't friends at all.

my WH doesn't understand this concept. he says the PA was a mistake and later just considered her a friend. i tried to tell him true friends do not try to sabotage their friend's relationship. how can i get him to see this?


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH doesn't understand this concept. he says the PA was a mistake and later just considered her a friend. i tried to tell him true friends do not try to sabotage their friend's relationship. how can i get him to see this?

It took me 5 months after d-day to see it. Even though I had heard it, or variations, before, it never meant anything to me. I thought, "well, we were different. We really *were* friends." And then one day I realized the truth in it.

I wish I could tell you there was a process - I'm not even in IC. I just spend way too much time thinking about all of this.

Being here on si really helps me. I read just about every forum to try to understand it from every angle. Every day I get little insights into myself, my situation, my marriage. It's very unsettling to find out you're not the kind of person you thought you were, to say the least. It makes me very motivated to delve into these issues. And it's very humbling to read everyone's stories and realize that on some level, they're all the same.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Red  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is for BS asking questions for WS's to answer.

If you are not a FWS, you should not be answering questions in this thread.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilly -

what did you think of your husband during your A? did you and your OM talk about him and put him down?

I never put down my H to my OM. Most of what I said about my H was along the lines of "what the hell am I doing, I have such a good H at home". The OM also rarely asked about H. We certainly never discussed H's and my sex life!

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 3:24 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Carnival -

what is the psychological mechanism that makes you ignore the probability that you can eventually get caught

When you first start out, it's just an exciting "friendship" and you don't really think anything will happen. When it's just a couple of emails or texts, it's not such a big thing to hide.

But then, it grew and I was going insane with the deception. I think I sent out a few signals to H. I think I wanted to get caught, that's why I left my cell phone unattended when I went out.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Stillpondering
♂ Member
Member # 23600
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here with a question. Its been a number of years since my wife's affair ended. The XOM lives in another part of the state and they have not had any contact in years (5+).

Recently she was with my grown daughter in his town for a college visit and lo and behold he walks into a restaurant they were eating in. There was no contact in terms of talk but they did make eye contact. She indicated a whole range of emotions hit her at that time - repulsion, anxiety, etc. Of course, I also wonder if she thinks back on the fantasy world and has fond memories of those little stolen pockets of time - particularly since we're dealing with some stressful family health issues right now.

I'm wondering if any of you have ran into your former OP after a significant period of NC and really what feelings it ignites?


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2009
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little background before my question for the FWS...

My FWSO told me he couldn't have sex with MOW because he "just couldn't get it up". Although they did have oral sex this is what he has told me about intercourse. He says that I would be on his mind and he felt "weird" with her.

Is this possible? Did this happen to any of you?

Im just having a hard time understanding this concept still. Any answers would be appreciated.


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilly642 - I didn't talk about H or M when I was with xOM, because I was acting and behaving as a girlfriend to xOM.


Stillpondering -

I'm wondering if any of you have ran into your former OP after a significant period of NC and really what feelings it ignites?
If I haven't seen xOM for longer than 5 years, I would not have recognized him, or him to me. I would kind of glance him twice to make sure it was not him and then want to look away hoping that he would not notice me, because I have nothing to talk about. (My first initial reaction will be panic attack, like disbelief.)


alonemom -

My FWSO told me he couldn't have sex with MOW because he "just couldn't get it up". Although they did have oral sex this is what he has told me about intercourse. He says that I would be on his mind and he felt "weird" with her.

Is this possible? Did this happen to any of you?

It is possible, if PA was short time, or ONS.

Mine was 6 years + LTA. I didn't think about H when I was with xOM during the sexual session though. I was co-sex addict to xOM and if I couldn't keep up with him, I was afraid that he would look for someone else and didn't want to lose him, so even when I was not wet, I spit on my hand, so it is not painful, and had sex with him. Sex with xOM was addictive and it made me had to have it, but also my emotion was attached with xOM so it is little different..

[This message edited by beach at 9:25 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks beach. It was a EA turned PA for just a short while. From what he has told me they only were intimate twice. Both times he said "he couldn't get it up" and that he told her "He must be nervous".


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
down4now
♀ Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWSO told me he couldn't have sex with MOW because he "just couldn't get it up". Although they did have oral sex this is what he has told me about intercourse. He says that I would be on his mind and he felt "weird" with her.

I would like to know this as well as my H was (almost) the same - he said he had to think of me to 'perform' with her but on the whole the anticipation was far more exiting than the real thing. When OW was staying with us he managed to compartmentalise then so I don't understand how he couldn't do that when it was just the two of them alone. Can guilt be that debilitating?


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

short background: WS had a ONS about 5 years ago before we were married. since then he talked romantically to several women (5 or 6), including his ONS, has had cybersex with one of them, but says none of the other ones were PAs. recently he had a 2 month EA with his coworker that i discovered supposedly before it escalated.

one month past dday and WS says he feels nothing about what happened. not that he feels nothing towards me, he says he loves me, but he feels nothing about the A or ddays or lying or trickled truths. nothing.

at the beginning he felt shame, guilt and said he felt remorse. he said he put that behind him and has moved on. as a WS, what do you make of it?

he is trying his best to be transparent.

[This message edited by icbtih8 at 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
Tried23
♀ Member
Member # 21076
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih8 - It seems odd that only 1 month from DDay and he feels nothing. It seems like he is avoiding having to face his failures and faults in the marriage.

Being female, I look at things a bit differently and am still experiencing tremendous guilt. Sometimes it is so overwhelming I wonder if I can continue to stay in the marriage.

Of course I will and continue to work on it in IC. IC has told me that you need to forgive yourself and open back up to the marriage to experience fulfillment. I don't know when I will get there, however, am on my way.

Maybe your husband got there quickly, however, I don't know how he could overcome the feelings of guilt so quickly. In my mind, he should still be feeling remorse and expressing that to you. Maybe he is showing this rather than verbalizing it?


Me: FWS (me) 48
Husband: BS 44
Married: 14 Years, 2 kids (14 and 13)
D-Day 1: 07/27/08
D-Day 2: 4/15/09 Same OM
D-Day 3: 3/2/2010 All disclosed
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: MN
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tried23, thank you. he is a conflict avoider. maybe that's why he doesn't feel anything.


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih8 -

Perhaps he felt "bad" immediately after d-day but hasn't quite reached true remorse yet? I know I had to get through the fog before I felt the full weight of remorse.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
Tried23
♀ Member
Member # 21076
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you OK with him avoiding conflict? I can certainly understand why he wants to avoid it, however, it may cause him to think down the road that it is OK to move back down the slippery slope.

You said he tells you he still loves you. Is he showing that in his actions too?

I try to do whatever my husband needs to feel safe in the marriage. Sometimes I screw up and he let's me know. After he tells me, I realize the "What was I thinking?" phrase. WS's are very selfish by nature. It was hard for me to understand this and even harder to realize when I am doing selfish things.

Maybe you could talk to him about doing small thinks that might mean alot to you and would be easy for him. I brought a coffee to my husband at work the other day and he smiled. It wasn't alot but I knew he would like it.

My IC recommended the book "5 Languages of Love". My husband and I both have different languages and it helped to realize this too.

Just some thoughts...


Me: FWS (me) 48
Husband: BS 44
Married: 14 Years, 2 kids (14 and 13)
D-Day 1: 07/27/08
D-Day 2: 4/15/09 Same OM
D-Day 3: 3/2/2010 All disclosed
Reconciling

Posts: 375 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: MN
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alonemom -

It was a EA turned PA for just a short while. From what he has told me they only were intimate twice. Both times he said "he couldn't get it up" and that he told her "He must be nervous".

Yes, nervous and obligation (to xOW) and guilt (to you)

down4now -

he said he had to think of me to 'perform' with her but on the whole the anticipation was far more exiting than the real thing. When OW was staying with us he managed to compartmentalise then so I don't understand how he couldn't do that when it was just the two of them alone. Can guilt be that debilitating?

Yes, guilt, nervous and obligation.

icbtih8 - Has your H been to IC to find out his whys and his core problems?

[This message edited by beach at 9:37 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih8 -

*Raises hand* Conflict avoider here.

It sounds to me like another alteration of viewpoint based on trying to clear some fog. I can't say it was so much about not feeling anything. But I was definitely trying to "move on" from xMOW and the A. The reason was that anything that kept me focused on my actions pulled me back down into the grief and sorrow I felt over becoming less than I should have been as a person. So in my desperation to find some light and hope that I could be the better me, I tried to close the door on my past and focus only on the future.

The ultimate reality was I had to learn to separate looking at past actions as defining myself to looking at past actions to understand myself. In order to fully recover, I had to develop a daily mantra that reminded me that my past actions did not define all of who I am. It is a part of my history and thus a part of me, but it does not define all of me.

But I also had to develop the strength to examine my actions in order to figure out why I did what I did (combination of low self esteem, conflict avoidance and draw toward external validation). It was through that knowledge that I could "affair proof" myself for the future by developing skills to offset those weaknesses within me.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, LC, that was very helpful to me as well - low self esteem, conflict avoidance and draw toward external validation here too.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


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