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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
eyes2thehills
♀ Member
Member # 24094
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 20th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks unexpected. I am so confused...if my H is needing me to lay my pain aside, I'm afriad that it will be the end of us. My pain is too great to ignore. I've been waiting for so long for him to dig and figure out WHY he chose the A, for him to show empathy and care, for him to WANT to protect our M. But everything is a battle, and he doesn't want to do anything unless I push for it, and when I do, he is mad. He swears his reason for the A is unmet needs and unhappiness in our M. I say that those are the reasons he was VULNERABLE to the A, but NOT the reason he chose it...lots of people have unmet needs and do NOT choose to have an A. After this much time I wonder if I will ever get the support from him that I feel is needed to R.

Posts: 174 | Registered: May 2009
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 20th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how could WS describe themselves while in A? Just to get a better understanding of WS introspections could you describe in a word or 2 how you would describe yourself while in the A?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily, I posted this also in General.

FWW here.
(1) A hollow Easter bunny chocolate (Emptiness).

(2) Hunger for attention (Turn heads from random guys. if I get more turn heads, I took it as a barometor of attractiveness = gave me a sense of powerfulness).

(3) Confused



If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily -

how could WS describe themselves while in A?

Young, alive, panicked.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alive, thrilled, energized, scared, sick. What I learned--the first 3 don't last but the last 2 do. For a long long time. Not worth it.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
Kwills
♀ Member
Member # 13172
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alive, thrilled, energized, scared, sick. What I learned--the first 3 don't last but the last 2 do. For a long long time. Not worth it.

Kwills


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jan 2007
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how could WS describe themselves while in A?

SELFISH, depressed,confused.
many more, but basically, Exactly the same as I would describe myself before I got sober


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 21st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH ran into OW a few weeks ago, after not having seen her for a year and a half. He called me right away (hooray!) and told me he was so thoroughly disgusted that he felt his stomach turn.

He got the hell away.

How could this be the SAME WOMAN he described to me as soooo beautiful and compelling that he had to break NC twice early after Dday?

How can you go from ILY and adoration to complete hatred and stomach churning?

I just don't get it.

Thanks in advance for explaining this to me!!!

S 48
WH 51
son 9
dday 9/24/07

[This message edited by dayatatime at 5:45 PM, June 21st (Sunday)]


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
integritymatters
♀ Member
Member # 23681
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the best way to handle it when FWH says something blatantly hypocritical?

eg.
I don't interfere in other people's relationships

I know amping won't help, and neither will ignoring.

My FWH had a 2year EA that involved 10mos of PA with a good friend's wife. That's kind of the ultimate interfering in someone's relationship. My instinct was to attack the hypocracy of his statement, but thought better as there were people around. I'm glad I didn't because really, I don't understand. He is pretty much de-fogged and we are in R. I say pretty much, because of the occasional comment like this.


I dropped my toast this morning and it landed butter side up! It's going to be a good day. :)

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canada
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dayatatime -

How can you go from ILY and adoration to complete hatred and stomach churning?

By looking at the world through a distorted point of view. During the A, all I chose to see was the negative in our M and the positive in xMOW. After clearing the fog, I was able to see the full picture clearly, resulting in the change from bliss to disgust at my own actions.

It's kind of the emotional equivalent of seeing the picture that could be the young lady or the old hag depending on your perspective. It's in in what you choose to focus on.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how could WS describe themselves while in A?

Selfish, deluded, ignoring reality to enjoy a fantasy, compartmentalizing


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you go from ILY and adoration to complete hatred and stomach churning?

Because the love and adoration wasn't real, or at least it wasn't really for the OW. It was for those feelings the OW brought out in him. She was never deserving of that love and adoration. Once he realizes that, she becomes the symbol of all the pain he caused.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
Stillpondering
♂ Member
Member # 23600
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering - after NC, how long did it take for you as a WS to "get over" the other man or woman? By "get over" I mean not continuing to live in the mental fantasy world about them? A week, a month, 6 months, a year, etc?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2009
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's...


Please read this entire thread and also read the WS FAQ's and BS for WS FAQ's in the Healing Library. Many of these questions have been asked and answered numerous times in here.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
EmptyCup
♀ Member
Member # 22909
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillpondering - it took me a month or so to stop grieving for the OM, but it took around 3 months for me to really see the affair clearly for what it was.


FWW, reconciled with my best friend <3

Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Feb 2009
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillpondering -

after NC, how long did it take for you as a WS to "get over" the other man or woman? By "get over" I mean not continuing to live in the mental fantasy world about them? A week, a month, 6 months, a year, etc?
My LTA lasted 6 years and it took me 1 year to think of him as if he is being dead. No longer his thoughts popped in my head at that point.


ETA: Thanks, DS.

[This message edited by beach at 11:28 AM, June 22nd (Monday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

integritymatters -

What is the best way to handle it when FWH says something blatantly hypocritical?

I think you made a great choice to hold back. Even if you had that feeling without the other people around, a gut response from anger would likely have spiraled down with an unsuccessful outcome for either of you.

The best bet is to take time to reflect on your reaction, and then approach the thought in general. Why does this happen? Could be a few different reasons. One is as a WS distances themselves from who they were during the A, they can start to be more critical of actions that they now see clearly are not healthy. We know the risks and the damage that these situations can cause, and may shout "Danger Will Robinson" at the top of our lungs. It might be that we are just clueless to the connection - not seeing it as the same thing. Or it might be traces of denial still lingering regarding the impact of the A.

After the dust settles, you can raise the issue in less of a "laser like, targeted" response. You can say, "Hey, you mentioned the other day that we should stay out of other people's relationship issues. But to me, your A goes against that thought process. Can you share with me why you would either not think they are the same thing or why you would go against your own advice?".

This way, it's more reflective and can spark a meaningful conversation without it being an attack and defense situation.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillpondering -

after NC, how long did it take for you as a WS to "get over" the other man or woman?

In full? I had a 5 month "de-fogging" period. It gradually changed over that time though. So early on it was still intense, but as weeks and months went by things got easier to deal with for me.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

integritymatters -

My instinct was to attack the hypocracy of his statement

This is something you need to resolve within yourself. If your husband is reformed (whatever that may mean for you), does he ever get to judge anyone again? Does a former wayward person get to reprimand a child for lying? Does a former wayward person get to complain about someone cheating on their taxes? Does a former wayward person get to criticize someone who is having an affair?

If you believe that the repercussions of having an affair is a lifetime prohibition on judging others, you need to let your husband know that, so that he can change his behavior.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 22nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dayatatime -

How can you go from ILY and adoration to complete hatred and stomach churning?

What answer are you looking for here? I think you are looking for a specific answer.

Is it that you want to hear that he has worked very hard and realized that the other person was a user with no morals? Or that it was a complete fantasy from the start?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
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