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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's II
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you have the right to tell him he is either in the marriage or out. You cannot control him, but you can still have your own boundaries. I'm worried the toll this trauma has taken on your health, and on the baby's too. Unless you absolutely have to have him there, do not allow him to spend the night. Can a friend or family member come and stay with you?


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
heartsunk
♀ Member
Member # 20302
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I have a question for a WS! I am looking for a WS who has had a ONS with an escort. Last Sept. I recieved 2 post cards that where sent to my H and myself, although they had the wrong name for me on it. One card had a very bizarre stamp( picture)of a woman sitting on top of a mans head. All the card says is Thank you. It is not signed by anyone. The next card that came was picutes cut out of a magazine, very random pictures and again was addressed the same way with just thank you written on it. Does anyone know if it is something that an escort would do? I ask because I have found out that he was been looking at alot of escort service sites in the city where he works. He is also late on the nights that he works up at the office. Just wanted to know if anyone has had anything like this happen?


Me BS (48)
WH (46)
1 D (21)
1 S (19)
DD 5/9/06
2nd DD 1/3/08 Trickle truth!
Married 22yrs.
Working on R

The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.

There are no degrees of honesty.

If it were not for hope,the heart would break.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: salem, oregon
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Fallen, but my health and the baby's is okay! I do not have any family members who can stay with me. He is not abusive or anything, just a jerk-off and he is staying in another room!

He is not interested in R'ing at this time, and I have a silent deadline in mind for when I will be ready to divorce (If I can hold out, then I am thinking September. Otherwise, August.) First, I want to see what will happen when our baby boy is born.

So, I guess I should rephrase my question--if I am in 180 (to protect me) then do I have a right to ask him to not "run errands?" or does someone who is in a 180 just be nonchalant and not care?

[This message edited by hopingwaiting at 12:26 AM, June 27th (Saturday)]


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The point of the 180 is to take care of yourself- to focus on yourself. That's why I said if you absolutely don't need him to stay at the house, don't allow it. But you also have to consider what is safest for you. This might actually be a better question for our experienced BSes. Have you asked it in General?


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
futureseemsbleak
♀ Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I can't live with someone that doesn't trust me."

This is what my WS said to me when I asked what are we doing after being in limbo for six months.

What does this really mean? WS has never admitted anything...This statement elates the fact that he is not ever capable of telling the truth...to me more gaslighting.

My response to WS was "No, that is for me to say".

WS also said "you have been a good detective"...this is a cowardly admission of all that I found out was true.

For WSs out there, was is your advice on this. Am I correct in anyway?


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS wrote in his journal (that i'm not supposed read) that he is not sure an affair will never happen again.

2 months past d-day, is this normal? is this a character flaw?


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
Weightless
♂ Member
Member # 20799
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS wrote in his journal (that i'm not supposed read) that he is not sure an affair will never happen again.
2 months past d-day, is this normal? is this a character flaw?

I'm not sure what is "normal" but my wife and I both said that to each other as we were trying to reconcile what we had done to each other. The reason we said that is because you can't predict the future. We resolved to try our best to be the best spouse we could and to be absolutely honest with each other. From my point of view, once the infidelity came out on her part, I saw that the way I used to view my marriage, that something like that couldn't happen, was flawed. Seeing my wife as somehow a better person because she wouldn't do what I had done wasn't being realistic. I wasn't seeing her as a real person, I put her on a pedestal. We are human beings, we have weaknesses, we break, we screw up, we fail sometimes. In my opinion, the potential for anyone to cheat exists. There are no guarantees and acknowledging that is healthy. It helps us see that keeping our marriage strong is a constant work in progress, that we always need to communicate our feelings and needs and be prepared to hear them from our spouse, even when it's not something we want to hear.


So even though my wife and I both acknowledged that it is possible in theory for this thing to happen again , I know that she is very very unlikely to ever cheat again, as I am very very unlikely to ever cheat again. I know this because we constantly communicate openly and honestly in a way we never did before. We don't let things fester, we give them air, even if they are painful. We both know the pain of being betrayed, and the pain of causing that wound to the person you love most. It's not something we want to do again.

[This message edited by Weightless at 8:47 AM, June 29th (Monday)]



Posts: 170 | Registered: Aug 2008
the fsc
♂ Member
Member # 23028
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Future,

"I can't live with someone that doesn't trust me."

Well buddy...you lost that privilege for good when you had an affair.

"you have been a good detective"

Not your job. If he is transparent and honest, then there is no need for you to go all CSI on him.

To answer your question...you are correct. He needs to understand both the privilege he lost and must earn back, and that you shouldn't need to play detective.


WH - (45) Me
BS - (44) Her (Redrock)

D Day 3/23/2008
Easter


Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Michigan
shyla2001
♀ New Member
Member # 24627
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have a question, but just want some feedback on things that husband has been saying... when I found out on Friday about the second affair (he moved out about 2 months ago and has been sleeping with her for 2-3 months), he emailed me an apology for "the mess this has turned into", texted me "about what a terrible husband he's been, and he just lost himself", and when he came over the next day to see the kids, he was crying some, because he's made such a mess of things. He says he feels Godless, worthless, miserable. He says they have broken it off (because she's afraid of her husband), and that he's going to get back in church / get some counseling, etc. I asked him about what this means for us, and he said he didn't know -- that he had to get himself straight first, and then see what's what at that point in time. So here I am still stuck in limbo... hurting, wishing he'd try to make things right with me, wondering if he's waiting for her to leave her husband, etc. The pain of waiting is so hard, but it's all I know to do. I'm just wondering what you guys think of what he's said. I know he's miserable - I can see it all over his face. But will he really work on making the necessary changes, so that he can be happy? And even if he does, that may not include me... did he just say those things to appease his guilt, now that I know about the second affair? Or is he truly remorseful, and is it enough to bring him to repentance? I'm trying to do 180 (no real contact with him, other than kids, etc), but it's immensely hard. I want to work on us! But he won't at this point. *sigh* Comments?


ME - BS, 36 years old
HIM - WS, 37 years old
Married since 2001
D-Day: Sept 2008, and 6/26/09
Separation: he left our family on 5/8/09
R-day: 7/1/09

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DFW
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, having been thinking over this and now have a question to ask again.

It is possible that my WW has not yet become sexualy active with OM.

If this is the case, that they have kissed and hugged, and talked and texted, but have not crossed into sexual territory, but now after D-day they decide to cross that boundary. Any WS's that this fits your situation, or anyone with an idea, did crossing this line make you feel dirty, or bad, or make you realize you were doing something wrong, whereas to this point you could tell yourself that since you hadn't gotten physical you really were doing nothing wrong.

I guess I'm asking if adding sex to the situation changed things for the better or worse in the affair?


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
StormySands
♀ Member
Member # 23709
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grasping at straws here...

Any FWS that had an EA, did the whole "demonize the BS" thing, left for the OP and then "woke up" and wanted your BS back?

How long did it take?

Did anyone want to go back, but wouldn't even try?

What is the best thing the BS could have done for you if anything to help you get the picture sooner?

All PM"s or replies welcome...
-Stormy


Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: AZ
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. H had a short term PA with a co-worker. OW is his subordinate. They still work together.

The had 6 'encounters' over a 7 week period. My WH says that it was purely physical, said it to OW at the beginning and no emotions were ever felt or discussed.

Asking WS's if anyone else had a PA with no EA and it wasn't with a professional.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih,
What he wrote in his journal 2 months past dday is not abnormal. He's probably still processing those confusing feelings and his fear that R isn't going to be for real. I had doubts too- everyone does, IMO, no matter what label you wear.

What matters most is what he's doing to address those doubts. If you're seeing sincere remorse in his actions, he may be lagging behind emotionally- but those things can change. You'd never know to read what I write now that I was ever conflicted or confused... but I was a foggy fencesitting cake eater... like a lot of WSes. It takes a while to purge the old habits and way of thinking and acting out of your system. It just sucks that it hurts our BSes so much to have to wait while we grow the hell up.

[This message edited by Fallen at 11:01 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lingerdog,
If she is using the A as her drug, it doesn't surprise me that she escalated the self destructive behavior after dday- except for the fact that it's colossally stupid and selfish. (No big surprise there really- that's what all WSes in an A are!)
Crossing the line made me hate myself more than I did before the A. Once the line was crossed into a full EA, it wasn't that much of a leap to go to PA. I had this fatalistic feeling of "in for a penny, in for a pound." I had already FUBARed and was fighting with myself internally. The escalation of the A was like twice the dope to a junkie.

Adding sex was infinitely worse, though at the time I was living so far in denial I couldn't see it. Only after it was over and I was so ashamed I wanted to kill myself did it hit home how damaging it had been.

[This message edited by Fallen at 11:13 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shyla, it's possible that he's feeling real remorse, but it sounds a little like he's in a self pitying state as well. WSes have to be careful not to wallow in their shame or they become pretty much paralyzed.

If he starts doing things to get himself straightened out, then it will be worth considering R, but for now, watch what he's doing. If he intends to make amends, he'll do it whether there's any chance of getting you back or not. He'll do it for himself, and because it's the right thing to do.

I wouldn't say there's no hope, but it's a good idea to keep the 180 in place. Maybe acknowledge his efforts, but try to stay detached. You'll have to see evidence of some real change before risking it with him again, IMO.

[This message edited by Fallen at 11:07 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question~~can a WS just let go and never look back? The minute I found the first text, my WH stopped all contact. I sent the OW a text telling her to stay away from my husband. WH said he was so relieved.

OW's son sent WH a text a couple of days later. WH immediatly showed me. I have no doubt it was really her. Her son hasn't sent WH a text in over a year.

Then OW's husband called and left my WH a message. I called her H back and told him about the A. I told her I would tell if she tried to make any contact. Her H wanted my WH to confirm what I told him and WH did.

The only emotion WH has shown toward her is contempt. I just don't see how he could go from one feeling to a totally opposite one just like that.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1566 | Registered: Jun 2009
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stormy, I didn't demonize my BS during the A at all, but after dday I was confused about what I wanted. More than anything I just wanted to escape having to face the horror of what I'd done, and leaving would have allowed me to run away.

It really sucks, but the WS has to decide for themselves if they're willing to put the effort into changing and helping their BSes heal. I mean, we all know that every WS is F-ed up, and fixing that messed up shit is extremely hard- and it's painful to face all that ugly stuff about yourself. All WSes are cowards while they're cheating, and some continue to be cowards after... choosing to run away rather than face what they've done.

All you can really do is care for yourself- and the 180 is a good way to do that. If you start putting effort into taking care of you and he notices, then it might give you an idea if he's willing to work for R. If he doesn't notice, you're still ahead of things b/c you've made yourself your priority.

I'm sorry for your pain.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fleury, the real worry with your situation is that your H was involved with a subordinate. Does he work for a large company?

Your situation is so specific, I don't know if there's a WS here who experienced something similar. For some WSes, it really is just about the PA, and emotions don't enter into it. Regardless of whether it's emotional or "just" sex, it's still indicative of the huge emotional problems of your WS. Mentally healthy people do not cheat. Period.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen,

My WH is self employed and is on contract with this company. It is a small one. He really put himself in a baaaad situation. Add to it that she is pregnant. And there is a 3 week window that says it is not his.

Like Million, I think I am having trouble with the fact that H seemed to just turn off the faucet and hasn't looked back at OW since. No calls outside of work hours, no texts, nothing. It seems weird.

I think MillionTears and I actually have the same question. My H ended everything the very next day. Didn't have any issues with doing that. The OW in his case seems to be scared that I will tell her H because she is, for the most part, complying with NC while they still work together. H says it was stated up front and under no uncertain terms that it was only PA and nothing more. I think she tried to trap him by trying to have unprotected sex, but he says they didn't do it all until after she had a positive pregnancy test.

Is H doing all the right things NOW...yes. What he did was really messed up and he is in IC to figure it all out. It is going to take quite awhile, i think.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
flygirl96
♀ Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 3rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the OW basically gave my husband the ultimatium and she left town and quit her job (which they worked together) ten months later she comes back to this town and applies for her old job. Husband is stuck now with her there and now needs to find a job. Do you think he is safe there with her or could she try to start things up again. He seems completely committed to me and we are happy until she came back.

Posts: 340 | Registered: Feb 2009
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