"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.
There are no degrees of honesty.
If it were not for hope,the heart would break.
He is not interested in R'ing at this time, and I have a silent deadline in mind for when I will be ready to divorce (If I can hold out, then I am thinking September. Otherwise, August.) First, I want to see what will happen when our baby boy is born.
So, I guess I should rephrase my question--if I am in 180 (to protect me) then do I have a right to ask him to not "run errands?" or does someone who is in a 180 just be nonchalant and not care?
[This message edited by hopingwaiting at 12:26 AM, June 27th (Saturday)]
This is what my WS said to me when I asked what are we doing after being in limbo for six months.
What does this really mean? WS has never admitted anything...This statement elates the fact that he is not ever capable of telling the truth...to me more gaslighting.
My response to WS was "No, that is for me to say".
WS also said "you have been a good detective"...this is a cowardly admission of all that I found out was true.
For WSs out there, was is your advice on this. Am I correct in anyway?
2 months past d-day, is this normal? is this a character flaw?
Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue
WS wrote in his journal (that i'm not supposed read) that he is not sure an affair will never happen again.
2 months past d-day, is this normal? is this a character flaw?
I'm not sure what is "normal" but my wife and I both said that to each other as we were trying to reconcile what we had done to each other. The reason we said that is because you can't predict the future. We resolved to try our best to be the best spouse we could and to be absolutely honest with each other. From my point of view, once the infidelity came out on her part, I saw that the way I used to view my marriage, that something like that couldn't happen, was flawed. Seeing my wife as somehow a better person because she wouldn't do what I had done wasn't being realistic. I wasn't seeing her as a real person, I put her on a pedestal. We are human beings, we have weaknesses, we break, we screw up, we fail sometimes. In my opinion, the potential for anyone to cheat exists. There are no guarantees and acknowledging that is healthy. It helps us see that keeping our marriage strong is a constant work in progress, that we always need to communicate our feelings and needs and be prepared to hear them from our spouse, even when it's not something we want to hear.
So even though my wife and I both acknowledged that it is possible in theory for this thing to happen again , I know that she is very very unlikely to ever cheat again, as I am very very unlikely to ever cheat again. I know this because we constantly communicate openly and honestly in a way we never did before. We don't let things fester, we give them air, even if they are painful. We both know the pain of being betrayed, and the pain of causing that wound to the person you love most. It's not something we want to do again.
[This message edited by Weightless at 8:47 AM, June 29th (Monday)]
"I can't live with someone that doesn't trust me."
Well buddy...you lost that privilege for good when you had an affair.
"you have been a good detective"
Not your job. If he is transparent and honest, then there is no need for you to go all CSI on him.
To answer your question...you are correct. He needs to understand both the privilege he lost and must earn back, and that you shouldn't need to play detective.
D Day 3/23/2008
It is possible that my WW has not yet become sexualy active with OM.
If this is the case, that they have kissed and hugged, and talked and texted, but have not crossed into sexual territory, but now after D-day they decide to cross that boundary. Any WS's that this fits your situation, or anyone with an idea, did crossing this line make you feel dirty, or bad, or make you realize you were doing something wrong, whereas to this point you could tell yourself that since you hadn't gotten physical you really were doing nothing wrong.
I guess I'm asking if adding sex to the situation changed things for the better or worse in the affair?
Any FWS that had an EA, did the whole "demonize the BS" thing, left for the OP and then "woke up" and wanted your BS back?
How long did it take?
Did anyone want to go back, but wouldn't even try?
What is the best thing the BS could have done for you if anything to help you get the picture sooner?
All PM"s or replies welcome...
The had 6 'encounters' over a 7 week period. My WH says that it was purely physical, said it to OW at the beginning and no emotions were ever felt or discussed.
Asking WS's if anyone else had a PA with no EA and it wasn't with a professional.
What matters most is what he's doing to address those doubts. If you're seeing sincere remorse in his actions, he may be lagging behind emotionally- but those things can change. You'd never know to read what I write now that I was ever conflicted or confused... but I was a foggy fencesitting cake eater... like a lot of WSes. It takes a while to purge the old habits and way of thinking and acting out of your system. It just sucks that it hurts our BSes so much to have to wait while we grow the hell up.
[This message edited by Fallen at 11:01 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]
Adding sex was infinitely worse, though at the time I was living so far in denial I couldn't see it. Only after it was over and I was so ashamed I wanted to kill myself did it hit home how damaging it had been.
[This message edited by Fallen at 11:13 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]
If he starts doing things to get himself straightened out, then it will be worth considering R, but for now, watch what he's doing. If he intends to make amends, he'll do it whether there's any chance of getting you back or not. He'll do it for himself, and because it's the right thing to do.
I wouldn't say there's no hope, but it's a good idea to keep the 180 in place. Maybe acknowledge his efforts, but try to stay detached. You'll have to see evidence of some real change before risking it with him again, IMO.
[This message edited by Fallen at 11:07 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]
OW's son sent WH a text a couple of days later. WH immediatly showed me. I have no doubt it was really her. Her son hasn't sent WH a text in over a year.
Then OW's husband called and left my WH a message. I called her H back and told him about the A. I told her I would tell if she tried to make any contact. Her H wanted my WH to confirm what I told him and WH did.
The only emotion WH has shown toward her is contempt. I just don't see how he could go from one feeling to a totally opposite one just like that.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
It really sucks, but the WS has to decide for themselves if they're willing to put the effort into changing and helping their BSes heal. I mean, we all know that every WS is F-ed up, and fixing that messed up shit is extremely hard- and it's painful to face all that ugly stuff about yourself. All WSes are cowards while they're cheating, and some continue to be cowards after... choosing to run away rather than face what they've done.
All you can really do is care for yourself- and the 180 is a good way to do that. If you start putting effort into taking care of you and he notices, then it might give you an idea if he's willing to work for R. If he doesn't notice, you're still ahead of things b/c you've made yourself your priority.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Your situation is so specific, I don't know if there's a WS here who experienced something similar. For some WSes, it really is just about the PA, and emotions don't enter into it. Regardless of whether it's emotional or "just" sex, it's still indicative of the huge emotional problems of your WS. Mentally healthy people do not cheat. Period.
My WH is self employed and is on contract with this company. It is a small one. He really put himself in a baaaad situation. Add to it that she is pregnant. And there is a 3 week window that says it is not his.
Like Million, I think I am having trouble with the fact that H seemed to just turn off the faucet and hasn't looked back at OW since. No calls outside of work hours, no texts, nothing. It seems weird.
I think MillionTears and I actually have the same question. My H ended everything the very next day. Didn't have any issues with doing that. The OW in his case seems to be scared that I will tell her H because she is, for the most part, complying with NC while they still work together. H says it was stated up front and under no uncertain terms that it was only PA and nothing more. I think she tried to trap him by trying to have unprotected sex, but he says they didn't do it all until after she had a positive pregnancy test.
Is H doing all the right things NOW...yes. What he did was really messed up and he is in IC to figure it all out. It is going to take quite awhile, i think.