I do think there is something to some of the dietary adjustments that the various non-medical routes that people do for ADHD but I do think that there is far more to it. Brainscans clearly show physical differences in brain activation between people with ADHD and those without.
Heck being ADHD has benefits as well. I can multitask far better than many people without ADHD and can process alot of information quickly.
With the children who have the diagnosis I think it is vitally important to teach them the skills to handle the areas they struggle with better. If they don't get the skills there is evidence that more of them will turn to self-medicating often with detrimental results.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
[This message edited by booger bear at 4:48 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]
FWS is finally coming to terms that he probably has ADD. When I first became involved with him I didn't see it until we were living together, he used to become HIGHLY offended when I would bring it up, but now he doesn't. I think this contributed to his poor impulse control related to the affair/s. I'm surprised that I haven't found more info online regarding ADD and infidelity.
I found this article the other day and asked him to read it...he actually printed if off!
"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.
DS is sensitive to coloring, perfumes, and scented lotion for women. He is also sensitive to food smells first thing in the morning.
Any information you have will be welcomed.
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)
i can't even get into it. the chaos. the carnage. you can see some of it in my profile but there's oh so much more. i love him, he's terribly lovable. but then there's, ug....
i also post on a forum for ADHD-ers or their spouses. there is alot of overlap with this site. sigh. i'm not sure if i'm allowed to include a link to the general site, but here goes - (moderators feel free to call me out)
the sources are super credible - Dr. Hallowell, author of the "Driven to Distraction" books on ADHD and Melissa Orlov who is married to one herself.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
My BS was diagnosed with ADD years ago, but it got buried under a whole bunch of other things (like alcoholism ). She did a great job in AA and has been sober for years, but that made the ADD symptoms really come to the fore. There's an interesting connection proposed between ADD and alcoholism; specifically, that someone who suffers from undiagnosed ADD may start drinking as a way of self medicating. She also suffers from depression, which didn't help any. These two conditions combined a couple of years ago and led to a summer of total disengagement - she could barely get any chores done, the kids were pretty much left to themselves, she'd spend all day at the computer playing video games (especially blinky/shiny/moving ones), and our sex life really suffered. I begged her to make an appointment with a psychiatrist and an MC, but she would always forget - and I mean "I'll call as soon as I hang up with you" and then getting distracted. Went on for months.
My reaction was massive frustration, and finally came to believe that our marriage was effectively over. Then *I* went off the deep end and started looking for sex - online, and then in person. I got so focused on seeking sexual pleasure that I betrayed my wife and children over and over again. There was no emotional attachment, just focus on the goal.
And here's where my ADD comes in. I had been diagnosed with depression years before, and was on meds, but things just didn't seem right. My wife asked me to read "Living with ADD", not as "I think you have it" but" This is what I'm going through." So I did. 1/3 of the way in, I said to her "This book makes it seem like ADD's a lot more prevalent than it is". 2/3 of the way in, I said "They have me half convinced *I* have ADD - haha." By the time I finished the book I had made an appointment with my psychiatrist for an evaluation.
One thing to remember is that there are a number of different types. My wife has "classic" ADD - can't finish projects, goes from one thing to the next, messy, etc. I have inattentive/hyperfocussed ADD - I will focus on one thing and be oblivious to all else, or space-out to the point where someone had to literally tap my shoulder to get my attention. So when I was wrestling in school, when the whistle blew my universe contracted to me, my opponent, and the referee's voice. My coach would be yelling moves to me, but I didn't do them - not because I ignored him, but because I couldn't even hear him. His voice just didn't register on my brain. And when I was focused on getting sex, that's ALL I was focused on, and my vows didn't register. It's not an excuse, rather an explanation. I'm a lot more aware of my mental state now, and so is she of hers - nothing justified my cheating, but her ADD played a big part in things turning sour before that happened.
On a side note, ADD has played a bit of a weird role in our sex lives. (TMI alert). In many ways, our roles were reversed from the stereotypical: I always wanted lots of foreplay, and she seemed to want to get straight to the main event. It turns out that my tendency to hyperfocus, combined with my love languages (physical love and acts of service) caused me to get very "goal oriented" during foreplay. As in, I was going to give her an orgasm if I sprained my tongue in the process . She, on the other hand, would lose focus on the physical sensation and get distracted, prompting her to get straight to the main event and finish quickly, if you please. While I make it sound amusing, it's been a big problem, especially combined with other sexual issues.
I always wanted lots of foreplay, and she seemed to want to get straight to the main event. It turns out that my tendency to hyperfocus, combined with my love languages (physical love and acts of service) caused me to get very "goal oriented" during foreplay. As in, I was going to give her an orgasm if I sprained my tongue in the process . She, on the other hand, would lose focus on the physical sensation and get distracted, prompting her to get straight to the main event and finish quickly, if you please.
My ADHD WW and I went through the exact same, highly unsatisfying, dynamic. Possibly, the spark of her A with St. MF, the MOM, was enough for her not to get distracted for a while, but I doubt it lasted.
It's not at all uncommon for folks with ADHD to get into relationships with each other.
(especially blinky/shiny/moving ones),
Now *that* made me laugh - FWW_ADHD and I have had that conversation many times ...
My husband was "diagnosed" by our MC seven years ago. She felt that his wayward PA thrill-seeking behavior was a direct result of ADD.
He didn't begin taking medication until this spring. Now he's able to focus. Sadly, all he's been focusing on since then is withholding affection from me.
I keep having to remind myself that I AM NOT THE PERSON WHO CHEATS.
I am working on my 180.
I am posting all over the place over the last couple of days. At the time of DDay #1 FWH admitted that he had been binge drinking most of the time he was traveling (3-4 nights a week for the last ten years, heaviest drinking over the last 2-3 years). So I told him he needed to stop drinking and get help (his PA started with a then unkown coworker after a night of heavy partying. They turned it into a 6 month PA/EA).
He stopped his drinking cold turkey, but things were still off with us. Fast forward to DDay #2 and that's when the $%^# really hit the fan. After discovering for myself evidence of another A (an EA), he finally broke down and admitted to inappropriate boundaries with women for years. I had witnesses the flirtatious side of him with friends several times, but always tried to wave it off.
So we were both thinking that he must have multiple addictions -- drinking, thrill of the chase with women, always wanting to buy new tech gadgets and gizmos, never being satisfied with what we had, etc. Today during MC, though, the C suggested that perhaps H has ADD. She gave us a book called "ADD in Intimate Relationships" by Dr. Daniel G Amen, MD. and a checklist for FWH to fill out. He has his first IC appointment on Friday, so the plan is to fill out the form and then take it to the IC.
One of my biggest concerns is that FWH keeps assuring me that none of this will EVER happen again because he "knows he can never hurt me like this again." I keep telling him that if I had asked him the day before he ever first had sex with MOW#2 if he would ever cheat on me he would have said, "I could never hurt you like that." In fact, while he was deep into the PA I suspected something and point blank asked him if he was having an A and he said, "I could never do that to you."
So, all of this lying and deceit, was it because of the addiction, the possible ADD (he does seem to exhibit a strong possibility for being diagnosed with it), or just a general lack of morals? Does being diagnosed as having some sort of physical impulse control issue increase your chances for maintaining a faithful lifestyle ever after?
By the time I sought treatment (strongly urged by my GP who said I was killing myself with stress) the damage to my marriage was done. I got diagnosed for ADHD after being treated for OCD/ANXIETY and depression for three years, which took the edge off enough for my therapist to ID ADHD.
On the plus side, ADD gave me a unique way of thinking that helped me in my software career; and in that career, the absent-minded professor type was accepted and highly rewarded.
I am now properly medicated, have gone through a divorce, and am now happily married; though, the self-esteem issue surfaces now and then in that I have some trust issues, mostly my self.
As with one of the other posters, ADD has played havoc on my sex life. I can get obsessed with sex, and can tend to become frustrated if I place too much attention on the goal of “finishing.” This has especially been the case as I have grown older, and after three years on SSRI anti-depressants. The SSRI pretty much made it impossible to finish anything, and hard to start (and made me numb, etc, yuck). Now that I’m off for the SSRIs for over a year, I’m still having trouble finishing, but it’s hard to say if this is due to the age or the medication remnants, but only a very supportive wife has helped me with this.
My main point here, is if you think you are suffering from ADHD, don’t put off seeking help. I waited 20 years too long, and subjected myself and my ex wife to 20 years of my behavioral quirks.
Does anyone have any recommendations?
Yeah, "ADHD effect on marriage." I wish I had found it about 5 years ago to be honest, it would have made things a lot easier in a lot of ways. I don't agree with everything in there, especially her views on how ADD/ADHD partners actually see relationships, but I would definitely recommend it for the practical "Things to do to help address the problems ADD brings to a marriage" part.