ETA: Fnf you want to hear something scary? I have read every single one of those books. All.of.them. Come on people...I need some book suggestions!
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 3:34 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]
Son is fine. He'll have to stay hooked up to monitors for another couple hours till all the drug gets out of his system, but his heart is fine.
Thank you all for your prayers. I know they helped.
In honor of BT, Mountain Cabin it is. I am thinking we should have lots of fireplaces (duh) and maybe access to skiing. Other than a wine cellar, I require nothing other than a comfy couch and a bed (pretty much IRL, too )
What do you think? Is this selfish of me?
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:19 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]
BT- Glad to hear the good news!
Can I have a hot tub again? I would just LOVE a hot tub, really helps me relax.
[This message edited by Whatnow28 at 4:46 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
They are celebrating what I am mourning.
I am home, in my "lounge clothes" (read yoga pants and long sleeve tshirt), eating pizza with the DDs and perfectly happy.
BT you are so right. I wish I had honored myself more in the past. I can't even begin to try to count the number of times I did something that was painful for me to help someone else. And, half the time, they had no idea because I would never say anything.
FNF - thanks for the cyberhugs. They really do help.
Next stop for me is the video store for "The Santa Clause". The girls requested it tonight. I love, love, love that movie. It is all about cynicism and believing. I still have one at home who believes and it is so magical.
shirley, I think you made the right decision. I needed valium to get through my niece's wedding!
As far as book suggestions. Talk about your classics... my favorite, all time... Watership Down. DS gave me a new copy last Christmas because my old one was worn out. Maybe once I get through all my thrillers I'll go back to that one by the fire in the big leather couch.
I'm going to try to use our "house" for my next meditation. I usually find myself in a beach house with wicker and linen furniture and windchimes, but maybe I'll try our ski retreat.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I've been looking around and I think you're a swell bunch of folks. My mom would approve, can I hang out with ya'll? I heard there might be an extra room with a really big bathtub. I've never had a tub. Sure would like to hang? I promise not to drink straight from the milk carton.
Just read your profile since your number was so low, I figured maybe you were and "old wise one". But I don't know what to make of your situation.
Has he admitted the sexual/emotional relationship with this woman? or are you dealing with just having evidence that he's saying isn't?
I know the fear. I've been married almost 30 years. Right now I'm only working part time and depend on him financially for the first time in our M. We've had the "you leave" no "you leave" conversations and neither of us is willing to give up what we've worked so hard for... our home mostly. Neither of us wants to be alone in our old age. But if he was still engaging in the affairs, then I'm afraid at this point, the next time he came home from his "trip", the locks would be changed, his bank account would be drained ( of my half ) and the world would know why.
So here's the question we ALL need to answer... what do YOU want?
Called and texted H, but he hasn't returned either. Pentup said I should channel my inner bitch and be pissed as hell that he hasn't checked up on me.
Thing is I know he's pissed. And probably ISN'T calling me because he knows he'll blow.
Funny, wehn he had his accident last month, who was driving him to the dr. and the repair shop and handling the calls with the insurance company??????
Yeah, maybe I am pissed.
But he hasn't seen the car yet.... Still a little on edge.
After 14 years of marriage, while taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication in the midst of a major depression, I found out by accident in 1997 that my spouse had been involved (and possibly was still involved) with a co-worker in a seven-year extra-marital relationship. Ouch! She deemed it to be an "emotional" tie only. (She was not convincing and I was unconvinced.) She declined to discuss it in any detail. I entered into a full-blown, prescription drug-induced insomnia. For months I pathetically queried my spouse each night in the wee hours of the morning about the nature and extent of her connection. "You did'nt meet my needs" was about the only reply that she could muster. "I need him (the co-worker) for weekly therapy, He was trained as a therapist, you know." "Say what?" is all I could respond. (Even then I wondered whether there was a causal link between her long term affair and the onset of my depression.)
My wife worked also for a couple of years with the "faux therapist" at her next employer who hired the former co-worker as a consultant largely at my spouse's sponsorship and recommendation. Jeez, can you imagine it? I never put two-and-two together. Was I enraged after I figured it out? Yes, but I was unable to redress the situation.
When I finally figured it out, I was unemployed. We had two young children. My wife was in denial. She wanted her cake and eat it, too. I sought help from psychologists, psychiatrists, and from a spiritual center. Nothing and no-one helped. Finally my rage subsided, particularly after I became re-employed and re-focused my energies. The matter never resolved, it simply melted from our active consideration. It went underground.
In 1999 my spouse entered into a second (this time unquestionably physcial) affair for about four months with yet another co-worker. We went to counselling. " (It was) .... because you did'nt help out around the house? (Say what?)
Now nine years after her second affair ended and 18 years after she initiated her first affair, I have completely lost it! I am unemployed, back to insomnia, wondering what in the hell I was thinking about, and why I had not taken steps to resolve the matter 18 years earlier.
And of course I blame myself. Blame myself for being emotionally cool and distant and, yes, naive and too trusting. Blame myself for working around the clock at my profession. Blame myself for not being more involved years ago with my family. I actually can see my wife's point of view. I do not condone her faithlessness, disloyalty, and lies. But I understand her point of view. She was short-sighted and cruel. I'm too old to start over and I really don't want to live alone. My wife says she is sorry for having hurt me. For my part I want back the decade of the '90s that she stole from us (or that we stole from one another.)
Throughout the 1990s I thought she was border-line frigid. In retrospect she had turned-off her love lamp --- at least for me anyway. I unknowingly remained chained by my vows to a fraud. I wandered around in darkness for ten years before I realized too late that she had stepped-out on our marriage. I had so compartmentalized the two back-to-back affairs that I somehow missed that together they took a ten-year bite out of our marriage.
Infidelity is one rough s.o.b. You put all your eggs in one basket. The basket tips over. You're crushed. The metaphor fails because your spouse is not a basket: She willfully/deliberately dropped your basket in order to pick up some other dick's eggs. If your primary relationship is your tether, your ground zero, then you become untethered pretty quickly. You recognize in a heartbeat that you've made an enormous investment. In order for the marriage to endure as long as it did survive you had to compromise away many of your d'ruthers. Suddenly you perceive you compromised with someone who billed herself out under false pretensions. You've sucked in good faith all these years on a mostly empty vessel with a crack in it. Your trust leached out of the crack.
You feel yourself to have been cheated. Your self-esteem goes into the toilet. You wonder whether it is the other guy's endowment and chemistry that made your spouse stray. You recognize that your're second fiddle in a triangle. Why? Because the other guy knew about you, but you did'nt know about him.
I'm not a religious but I understand first-hand about the prohibitions against adultery. It can mess you up very badly.