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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, his confidence seems to be missing, his normal upbeat, happy self is crushed, he is cautious, frustrated and longs to rewind time and undo all he has done.

You know UKG, this is so evident in the pictures you posted. I looked at the first one, and your H looks so happy, relaxed and full of love and contentment. In the second the pain in his face is so evident. The contrast in these pictures was so apparent. It's so sad to think that they chase after their youth, their fantasies, this illusive, missing thing only to wreak havoc in their world and ours. Whatever fleeting thrills they had during those years could never compensate for the destruction that follows. Such a pity! Such stupidity!
ETA - For the record, you, on the other hand, look fantastic in both.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:24 AM, January 8th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had a few minutes to catch up here. Wish I had more time, but DS is hogging the computer . Love to have him home, but sometimes want to say "Go away, Mom has some venting to do."

If there are problems in the M, the spouse who is so dissatisfied has the responsibility to approach his/her spouse and let them know what they are feeling. If they are even thinking of being with another woman, they have the responsibility to let us know, "I am attracted to someone at the office and I fear I might be heading toward an A. I don't want this to happen to us." But who among us was ever told this???? NOT ME!

Issue #1. My H said he did come to me. He never mentioned another woman, however, because "she" was just this back of the mind "ace in the hole" since he started with pros. He never once, however, said "If I have to pay for it, I will". No, because of his P/A and total inability to communicate real statements, I'm sure it looked something like comments to his buddies "Boy wish I was getting some". He said my weight was never an issue for him, but that it was for me and it changed my attitude about being sexual.... NOT until AFTER I'd gone on the A/Ds for "depression" after I found the motel receipt. So, who's got the timeline screwed up? Who's still justifying?

We talked with another couple the other day about their kids' science fair. H pipes up with "oh, yeah, I remember doing TWO volcanos and all kinds of crap with our kids." And I just got so angry, I had to leave the table thinking "then who was it on the couch yelling at me to "let them do it themselves, they'll never learn if you do it for them" ? I'm sure if either kid was in earshot they would have wondered too.

Issue #2 - P/A and other "day to day attitudes". He is definately better in dealing with my "faults". I define faults as doing things in a manner he would not do them. Or losing something, or forgetting something. All normal human behaviors that would not have been "accepted" in the past. Hey, he might not be "accepting" them now, but he doesn't voice the comments any longer. He knows I won't stand for them.

The other night he complained that his son never stays home when they're alone. That he always finds an excuse to leave the house. I assured him it wasn't HIM, but that at 20, the last thing he wants to do is hang around with his parents.

The truth is that H is destroying any possibiity for a relationship with his constant nagging, berating, and general "tone" with him.

I think it's time for a talk with H again. He'll hate it and I have to make sure I don't get so intimately involved as to put my feelings into the conversation.

BT: Since your H had to overcome his P/A behavior which I assume also he also used sarcasm to replace conversation, what was the incentive to change? How did you approach all those behaviors without confronting him like the bull that I am?

I'm thinking of just saying we need to have a talk and then just ASK him if he wants to improve the relationship with his son. Knowing him he'll just take the it's "hopeless" and it's all son's fault stance. I don't know how to counter that. Maybe just ask him to listen and not talk until I'm done? Because all I want to say the first convo is "Stop TELLING him what to do and start ASKING him." He also needs to accept the fact that DS was also hurt by his infidelity/inattention and apologize, but that's down the road. He also needs to accept that DS will not be doing things HIS way, but DS's way. I also plan to talk to DS. DS also needs to stop ignoring his father's viewpoints out of hand, just because he doesn't respect the man, he needs to respect the "position" if he wants things to get better. But one subject at a time, right?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - my H wrote a letter of apology to each of our children and that had a very good effect on each of them. It was heartfelt, sincere and remorseful. He admitted his "sins", made no excuses or justifications and begged their forgiveness. I don't know if your H ever did this but I can tell you from our experience, it helped in a big way.
If that isn't something you think your H would be open to, why not suggest having your son do the writing, telling his father what it is like living with constant criticism and how much he would love to have a stronger relationship with him. Just a thought.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boys don’t know about the affair. They will have picked up that something was wrong and that something has changed, maybe in the future, life’s experiences will trigger thoughts and realisations as to what was really happening in this household and that it was nothing to do with them. While H was in his affair, he would often come home and start sniping at the boys. At times it was so bad that as his key turned in the lock, they would start to leave the room and slink off to their bedrooms. They didn’t want to share the same space with him. I pointed it out in the letter I wrote two yrs before dday, even suggesting how the custody would go in the event of D because of his stinking attitude. How blind and stupid was I; he just went deeper underground, protecting his cake-eating like some Gollum.

Weepy, I get the reinvented history too. Sometimes I correct him, mostly I just think it’s sad, esp when he “remembers” events where he wasn’t even there!

Good suggestion from FNF to ask your son to draft a letter to his father. He might be more inclined to actually realise that other peoples way of doing things can be neither better nor worse but just different. Or how about turning it around a little?

Knowing him he'll just take the it's "hopeless" and it's all son's fault stance. I don't know how to counter that.

How about saying “well, if you feel that is the case, try to think yourself into DS’s shoes and imagine how he might like to be addressed, bearing in mind a closer and a non-confrontational relationship would be beneficial to you both”? And to your son, to try reflecting things back to his dad by saying “why would you think/say/do that, Dad?” and to pause long enough to NOT get into a row or to stomp off. A bit of playground psychology.

It’s a shame FNF. The look of pain – it is that, isn’t it? The main pc crashed has twice this week, DS2 had managed to retrieve some files first time round, but when I booted up the yesterday, pfft! The whole lot had disappeared again, like someone had reformatted the drive. The second attempt found a lot were either changed or corrupted. So, yesterday, I loaded all the photos I could find onto my laptop and we backed up all files regardless to look at later. And the emails have disappeared along with the address book – a real pain. Anyway, the point I am getting to is that zipping through and copying the photos. I noticed that during the affair, there are very few photos of WH smiling or relaxed. One on our 25th anni/his 50th holiday in 05, one from Australia 04, a couple where someone had TOLD him to smile at DS2’s graduation. Mostly he looks cross or absent. Now, yep, he looks pained.

Maybe we should try a "photo" day and get them all out from the box room as part of getting back some of what we have lost. Anyone else done that?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe we should try a "photo" day and get them all out from the box room as part of getting back some of what we have lost.

I tried to with old family movies and it was too hard. H left the room as he found it too painful. I cant bear to look at photos. EVERY SINGE ONE reminds me that that man standing there was one big fake(from the engagement photos to wedding to the births to birthday parties ) that that man who promised not to hurt me was in fact hurting all along, whilst smiling and holding me. Maybe one day I will be able to look back - I would have to for the kids sakes, but not yet.

***
Ukg, I have been thinking about your second thoughts about the surgery and I hope I dont offend you with my thoughts. You know I love you, right?

Ukg, I have met you...you look gorgeous, even better than your photos! So lets put the looks aside for a moment.
I noticed that the comments you made about OW relate to her intelligence and good conversational skills and your lack thereof.
Where did you get this notion about yourself? Your folks? I remember you once mentioned that your folks thought you would end up a packer or the sort. Your intelligence and humour and compassion shines though your posts here (even AFTER a couple of glasses).
I think, my friend, if you work on making your insides better, that you would see how good your outsides are. You are right, the surgery wont change much. You will look better in the mirror but it still wont change how you see yourself, nor the way your H sees you (I think he delib "undersaw" you all those years to justify his superiority). Only you can change you.
Go ahead with the surgery if you want to (you know I want ALL the details) but do it for the right reason, knowing that there is just so much that it can fix/change.

(((Ukg))))

***
Fnf,
Now I want a peek in your dream book.LOL.
Many of my dreams have the same recurring theme...one of the kiddos is going to be hurt, I try to stop it in some way but always end up either too late or I wake up before I know what happened. Its hard to shake off the dream as I go back into it, so I force myself to wake up and calm down.
Argh.

***
((((((Tribe)))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF Thanks for the idea of the letter FWH has not made real amends with our kids. They are all speaking just fine and act like nothing is wrong. D told H exactly how she felt when she found out. Didn't hold a thing back, called him a coward. The boys have never said a word, they just look at him differntly and that gets to him. Maybe a letter would help them all.


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning, tribe.

Some interesting posts for the new year. Strange that it's past noon here and nothing since last night though. Is this a good sign? Hope so.

Maybe we should try a "photo" day and get them all out from the box room as part of getting back some of what we have lost. Anyone else done that?

There's been little time for anything like a 'photo day' here. FWH came home yesterday and has a young man to show the functioning of his business for the next week. No days off and very short time in the evg for "us".
I don't think he has the same reaction to the photos that I have though. None that I can see outwardly, any way... Compartmentalization on his part, too much thinking on mine. Thinking I need hypnosis or lobotomy... haven't done the CBT but trying to understand the EFT tapping method to get through this. Someone here uses tapping, I think? (Wish we could search the forum by keywords).

Guess I'd better try to do a little constructive activity here. I'll check back later.

{{{LTA Tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol, my IC said she is going to start EFT with me when I return later in the month. Frankly, I don't get the point. So I can look at old photos dispassionately? without sadness?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, you don’t know what those words mean to me. Before dday, I at least felt ok. Not that happy in my own skin, but kind of ok. My confidence has always been fragile and the affair just completely floored me, and no tequila needed. The thought of surgery scares me a bit (haven’t even read the “things you should know” sheets they gave me) but I want some sense of self worth and, shallow as it sounds, knowing I look better than now and am not “past it” matters a lot.

Oh, that reminds me. while FWH was in IC and I was in the pub (too cold to wait in the car) some guy offered to buy me a drink. He was buying for him and his friend and said “and whatever the lady on the table over there is drinking”, or something. And. Instead of burying my head in my book, I struck up a conversation for a few mins. And it felt good!

Lostsoul, same here! H has not shown any emotions when photos have been produced. While in the affair DS3 took off with WH’s old Wrangler jacket that was 30+yrs old and I showed the boys some photos of WH in that jacket when we were first together. He didn’t bat an eyelid. I swear no one would have seen his reaction as anything other than tender recollections of our early times. While he was in the affair, he had no problem looking at photos, any of them; old or recent, of us or of events. Since dday, he has looked on the computer at the Egypt photos, those taken during his affair and after. He is still able to compartmentalise to that degree. They are photos of us. She was not there. He has no photos of her except in his head. That part of his life, that time he spent with her, those five years, were nothing to do with us or this family or this side of his life. I find it incredulous and wonder if sitting down with a box of memories might be beneficial for us both. For me to discover how he felt. We can’t do the letters, I burnt them all! Which, btw, I do not regret. Lies, lies, lies. Can photos lie? Could he reinvent history through the camera lens? The thing is, as with the rest of everything that is “us”, I bought the cameras, the films, took the photos, had them developed, blah, blah. To go with the holidays we were on, the days out, the birthday parties, Christmases. So maybe they won’t tell much of his story anyhow.

Weepy, I think the EFT is a coping mechanism more than anything else. One guy here, Paul McKenna, was on tv some years ago using the technique for people with various fears and phobias. And it did work. Obviously, those who came forward for the treatment, knowing it was going to be on tv had a huge incentive for it to work, but it was pretty amazing. It might help you in times of “I could strangle him” moments though!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might help you in times of “I could strangle him” moments though!

People would start to think I had a tic or something with tapping myself ALL Fn'g DAY LONG!

I texted him earlier today about coming home and my plying him with alcohol and having my way with him. Of course in P/A fashion he never addressed the invitation. Started talking about dinner what we had, etc. Well, no one was home so I said leftovers? His response was "I don't feel like leftovers, especially not the chicken from last night, that was a little rough." I just go so furious and then sad/angry. Here he'd rather some tv dinner than my cooking.

Anyway I told him when he got home he should have tv dinners for the next week and maybe he would appreciate my cooking again. I also told him he needs to learn to stop at the first sentence. The need to add the insult was totally unnecessary. I would have accepted "I don't feel like leftovers". But Nooooo... he had to twist the knife.

And guess who just threw up his lovely tv dinner? Guess I'm not getting any tonight. Good thing I took care of myself this afternoon figuring he'd find some damn excuse.

(tap...tap...tap...)


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I want some sense of self worth and, shallow as it sounds, knowing I look better than now and am not “past it” matters a lot.

Of course our self worth matters to all of us and we should all do as much as we can to boost it. If surgery is what you want, then go for it. If I could, I would have lipo, breast enhancement, total facelift, tummy tuck..errr what else is there? I HATE the way I look and since I have put the weight back on in the last months, I feel worse.

However,I know too (as I have often griped here)was that when I was at my lowest weight at the beginning of last year and looked the best I have since well..forever, I still didnt feel good.My self esteem was in the toilet and I couldnt figgure out why. I always thought that once I lost the blubber, then everything would be fine.

I started feeling LOADS better when I began working. I started feeling needed and wanted and valuable. I started feeling I was worth something..heck didnt I have a paycheck to prove it.

However whilst that feeling deepened, I realised that there was no clear cut way to feel better. It was going to be a process. Step 1 the weight, step 2 the job, step 3 facing up to my FOO issues and my false selfbeliefs. Thats where I am now and what we have been focusing on in EMDR sessions.Of course I am also back to step 1, but thats ok. I have a lifetime of bad habits to tackle and I have accepted that it will not be done in a year (no matter how efficient I am!).

So Ukg, my dear friend, my hope for you in 2009, would be, with your new IC, to figure out what steps you need and then get you on it.
A while ago BT suggested being involved in activities outside of the family, like voluntary work or a part time job.Thoughts?

Btw, what was H's reaction when the guy bought you a drink??

***

LOstSuol,
EFT (tapping) is excellent when you are in a state of hyperarousal. I swear it has helped me many times "come down" and ground myself. I have taught my kiddos (12,8 and 7) some tapping and they found it calming too.
So when you are triggering or when you and H are on the brink of war (not that I would know anything about this ), find yourself a little corner and start tapping.

Weepy, I sometimes tap in the car on the way to work after an intense morning with H or kids or both, and by the time I turn the corner to the office, I am ok again.
If its too challenging to tap, try pressing the pressure points hard. I do that in meetings.

***

I just go so furious and then sad/angry. Here he'd rather some tv dinner than my cooking.

First he disses your come on, then your cooking.
He sure does know your trigger points, doesnt he? Asshat!

(((((Weepy)))))

****

SoLost, how are you?
I was thinking...you know how AA has a buddy system...would the inpatient programme have one too? Or some kind of out patient support group? I know it isnt fair, but your H sounds likes he needs to be held accountable to someone (NOT YOU!) in order to look after himself. HE needs to learn the tools and internalise them for himself. Does that make sense?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EFT (tapping) is excellent when you are in a state of hyperarousal. I swear it has helped me many times "come down" and ground myself. So when you are triggering or when you and H are on the brink of war (not that I would know anything about this ), find yourself a little corner and start tapping.

Weepy, I sometimes tap in the car on the way to work after an intense morning with H or kids or both, and by the time I turn the corner to the office, I am ok again.
If it's too challenging to tap, try pressing the pressure points hard. I do that in meetings


Thanks so much, LH. This is encouraging. I really need a coping mechanism and the alternative of pressure points sounds good too.

Self-esteem rears its 'ugly' head again. The A is NOT about us yet we have these issues!

Of course our self worth matters to all of us and we should all do as much as we can to boost it. --- when I was at my lowest weight at the beginning of last year and looked the best I have since well...forever, I still didnt feel good. My self esteem was in the toilet and I couldnt figure out why. I always thought that once I lost the blubber, then everything would be fine.
I know these thoughts! I lost 50 lbs. between 9/05 and 9/06. The weight had been creeping up for yrs (chronic pain meds didn't help at all). The health benefits, as well as our dd and ds#1 weddings in 2006 and not wanting to shop in the Plus Size store for wedding attire motivated me. My family and my FWH encouraged me (all the while cheating on me). I was starting to feel better about myself and life (ignorance is bliss!) Then came D-day in Feb/07 and with my world crashing around me, I re-gained 20 lbs and haven't been able to lose it again. HB didn't help. I don't want to be out in public. The gym doesn't promote those beneficial endorphins any more. The same 5 lbs. ... on and off for almost 2 yrs. On the surface, R is going well much of the time but my mind/body refuses to co-operate. I so don't want to be a bitter and obese grandmother.

OK... pity party over. Sorry tribe to t/j from you LH, your post just hit me like a brick. Tears ran and I just needed to get it out.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your post just hit me like a brick. Tears ran and I just needed to get it out

((((((lostsuol))))))

Hey, what say we have our pity party together?

I am also feeling really really blue, and if you ask why, I would say, "Everything!!!" (cos thats the drama diva in me! ).

[I have to laugh cos I know I have a load of tears just bursting to come out.]

Whats ailing you, lostsuol?
Is it just the weight? I say that not meaning to be snarky but is it that and X and Y and Z and all the other letters all bound together in one awful mess?

My problem is that I tend to let things build up and before I know it, I am sitting with this monstrosity, shaking my head and going, "What happened? Woe is me !" (
)
I am learning to break down my issues to bite size chunks and I have to learn to work on them, bit by bit.

However, sometimes, its hard.
And I wonder if there will be an end to all of this and whats the point of all of this, etc etc?
And why or why, for the love of God, hasnt ANYONE invented delicious fat/sugar free chocolate?

So come on, let it out.
Problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

And if its just the weight, you are in good company. I plan to start my weight loss programme errr..soonish, so we can be fatloss buddies.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what say we have our pity party together? ...
is it that and X and Y and Z and all the other letters all bound together in one awful mess? ...
And I wonder if there will be an end to all of this and whats the point of all of this, etc etc?
So come on, let it out. Problem shared is a problem halved and all that.
And if it's just the weight---we can be fatloss buddies

It's the weight along with all the other crap, I guess. Not being able to get the 20 lbs. off again really bothers me. If it was the only problem, I might be able to accomplish my goal again. A weight-loss consultant told me I should be able to lose the weight because it's something that I have control of but to me it's just one more thing to cause me grief/stress. I know I'm an emotional eater. And my emotions are all over the place. So instead of tackling one thing at a time, I do nothing! And I flit from one task to another, not starting or completing any. I resent the fact that my life has been changed forever without my being consulted. That I have become someone I don't recognize or even want to know. So how do I feel good about FWH wanting our marriage now when he was willing to risk it for his online fantasy with OW???

So many questions... such a sad situation... and 'faking it until making it' just isn't working. We had dinner out and spent the evening with our son & d-i-l who are unaware of the A. All seems normal until the word 'affair' comes up in relation to a movie theme on the Golden Globes. Damn! can't get away from it... it's everywhere.

Oh well... tomorrow's another day. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
Hope your weekend went well I just want to share a story that shows I'm still fragile.
Spent the weekend in NYC visiting our daughter and seeing shows. We were all together in the hotel and my daughter was talking about taking time off to come home for her brothers 21st birthday. I was waiting for my H to bring up our planned Recommittment ceremony to ask D to be there....he said nothing. I felt really bad. We were checking out and heading off to dinner for my Bday when I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I said that maybe we shouldn't go ahead, because it just didn't seem to be a priority in his head. The family would have to arrange time off and he hasn't even told them yet. He replied with a curt "You don't know what's in my head' and went outside. Well, the tears started and i just sayed in the lobby until I could get myself under control.
We went to the restaurant and I held myself together for the family. My H ordered a bottle of wine and when it came he knelt next to my chair and pulled out of his pocket a beautiful new diamond ring. He then asked the family to join us on Feb 27 and proceeded to share all the details he has put together. He had this planned all along....the trip to NYC was so we would be with all our children when it happened. I learned a large lesson in patience today...one I will never forget.


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started a post and it turned into a rant. I've had IC today and some stuff has come up that just has me screwed up. He's a fuckwit and I'll leave it at that.

But I do want to say to Fading that your weekend sounded great – in the end! I hope this is what you want (and you’re not jumping in too soon) and that Mr Fading is absolutely committed to leaving his past behaviour behind and dedicating himself to you and the marriage. Nice ring?

"You don't know what's in my head' and went outside.

Hmm. He could have said he was planning on broaching the subject at dinner, couldn’t he? Esp knowing how sensitive and fragile you are. So, 2x4 to Mr Fading for his curt response, but full marks for his romantic gesture!

I'll be back later. Hope y'all had a good start to the week.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H ordered a bottle of wine and when it came he knelt next to my chair and pulled out of his pocket a beautiful new diamond ring. He then asked the family to join us on Feb 27 and proceeded to share all the details he has put together.

Wow, FM, that was absolutely beautiful. Keep us posted as the day draws closer. We'll want to toast you on your special day as well.
UKG - Rants are fine, as a matter of fact, it's always a little fun to hear others rant away because then we know it's ok for us to do it when we need to. I do hope you're not too upset though and whatever caused you to feel this way, well hopefully, it's nothing that will linger for you. (((UKG)))
LS - sorry you're feeling a little down right now. I see that your antiversary is coming up soon and it is not uncommon for us to slip into a bad place as the day draws near. Keep posting and lean on us. We'll be here for you. Also, try not to beat yourself up too much for the weight. 20 lbs. doesn't sound so bad. I put on 10 that I haven't been able to take off and honestly I doubt I'll even try until the warmer weather comes back. It's just too hard to get motivated when it's freezing outside.
LH - sending you hugs and hoping you're feeling better today. What's going on? Let me know if I can help.
(((LH)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 5:13 PM, January 12th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe. I had some eye surgery last week and so wasn't much good on the computer. I hope everyone is hanging in there. I'll spend some time reading up after my eyes heal a little more.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BT, sending you fast healing and hope you can let others take over so you can rest. Do you have to go back for a check up? What did you have done? I have a mental image of you swathed in bandages! Take care hon.

FNF, my rant was based on the usual crap he gives me. He’s not talked about his IC session AT ALL, other than to say yes, he got something from it. Anything to discuss? Nope. And about his rewriting of history, this time about Fridays. Fridays have always been “my” day. Then soonish after dday, he said about MOW finishing early on Fridays and he would “see” her, call in or have lunch. THAT was before I found out he was still screwing her instead of the implied social friendly meetings with no sex for a couple of years before he finally confessed to me. Now he says he didn’t see her on Fridays. Well, wtf, there’s a change about - as if I care. He accused me of having a “Friday mood” and he might as well not be around. Know what I had lined up for “my” Friday? 7.45am, took DS2 to work, took courtesy car back to garage (15 miles) to find my car not ready. Went home and did the banking (including the Bank of Mum and Dad for DS1&3), put a wash load on, went to my piano lesson and called in supermarket on way home, picking up stuff for lunch and dinner. Straight up to collect DS4 from school, lunched and then took him to orthodontist (15miles) and then back to school. Came home and did some more household stuff for less than an hour until call from school that DS4 was in medical. Collected him, dropped him at home, collected DS2 from work and went into city (20miles) to look at computers (pc crashed and died), decided on one and then came home (didn’t buy, did a google to find if anywhere else cheaper). Got home around 6.30pm and made dinner (fish pie, I think). He accused me of not wanting to be with him. Oh for chrissake. Oh yeh, he had a cold. I knew there’d be a “reason” for his tetchiness. Of course, I was going down with it on that Friday, it came out on Saturday to feel shit for the weekend, but of course, coughing and spluttering, I still got on with stuff while he, poor baby, lay in front of tv sport. I think he managed 30mins stacking logs.

And what makes me mad is how I want what they had. I WANT IT! He will NEVER have seen her ill (maybe “poorly”, just enough to evoke sympathy), listened to each other snoring/coughing/nose-blowing and keeping each other awake. SHE would never have had washing hanging about the house, her bed unmade or unwashed pans still on the cooker. They wouldn’t have had sex while she was in the full flow of HER period (too messy)or with her in any other condition than fresh and fragranced. She never ran out of beers or toothpaste or coffee and she had TIME to spend on herself to be ready for HIM because SHE didn’t live with him 24/7. She enjoyed being the prissy fucking princess making up to her stupid KISA and living in their fucking fantasy land. And they both thought it could be a reality! For fucks sake, I CAN’T have it because it wasn’t REAL and I know this is totally fucked up because sometime I think the only way I’m going to get it is either to chuck him out and we live together-separately (or whatever the term is) or I turn into a WS and have an affair myself! And then I just want to beat the fuck out of him for making me feel like this. Green eyed monster. Aaaarrgghh!

And. I don’t want him to see me post-surgery when I know I’m going to look like I’ve been run over by a truck and feeling all tender and sore.

So Ukg, my dear friend, my hope for you in 2009, would be, with your new IC, to figure out what steps you need and then get you on it.
A while ago BT suggested being involved in activities outside of the family, like voluntary work or a part time job.Thoughts?
Btw, what was H's reaction when the guy bought you a drink??

Physical surgery first, rest up 4-6wks, then surgery on the rest of my life.
Re the drink. I didn’t tell him. I haven’t told him about other approaches either, I like to keep them as little memories for ME! Remember, I’m not wearing a wedding ring, although he is. The guys were there when we arrived. H went off. The drink offer was made and I said that I was waiting for someone who had gone off to a meeting, but would be back to pick me up. I let him deduce what he liked while I smiled and bathed in a little ego-boost glow of attention.

H is away for a couple of days. He texted me XXX, so I asked if I was in his thoughts. His reply: “That’s why I texted you. You have been most of the working day. You wont be in 15mins cos I will be with xxxx company. And then you will be again. X” Guess that’s how it was when he was with MOW. That when he was with her, I didn’t exist, until he was back in his car on his way home. I didn’t text that thought back to him- but maybe I should have?

This is getting too long now, but one last thing. I wonder if H feels he is losing a role. I’m getting stronger and his KISA act on me isn’t wanted and isn’t working any more. I’m finding it very hard to have any respect for him. He could do and arrange so much for MOW with such ease and yet he won’t even try for me. Nothing. A meal out, a visit somewhere, a weekend city break, going to the movies. He either can’t be bothered or is still worried about my response. I think it’s the former.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:41 AM, January 13th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fading: Thanks for sharing about your wkend. I can see myself feeling and likely reacting the same in your situation. My FWH could be your H's twin in that regard... Planning a good thing but not doing it in a way that that 'we' would. We've had similar occasions. I'm really happy for you that it turned out well in the end!
I learned a large lesson in patience today...one I will never forget.
FM, I'm still learning this... with a long ways to go as I approach antiversary #2. I'm holding my own - no meltdowns so far - but I've been closer than I'd like. I'm trying to keep my spirits up... even pressed and cut some fabric last night. Might not sound like much but it's major to me. The A robbed me of my passion for creating... my outlet for pushing chronic pain out of my head... my joy and pleasure in sharing my craft with others - I lost a huge part of myself in the aftermath of D-day. I've been existing... and I want to be Living again.

FnF is probably partly right in her assessment of my current mood. I just can't let up on the weight control issue despite other stressors in my life. I got rid of my larger clothing. As I tire of the few items I have to wear now I want to replace with smaller sizes - not the same or larger ones again - for my own satisfaction. Part of looking after myself, and regaining a confident me.

{{{UKgirl}}} said it for me. As she often seems to, as if we are sharing the same head space! And what makes me mad is how I want what they had. I WANT IT! My FWH hasn't admitted to PA only EA (although he did spend time in person with her & family/friends on 2 wkend occasions that I know of) but still it's the intimacy and his giving so much of himself to her in a fantasy which belonged to me, his wife of 30 yrs (when the A started). I have to stop now... before this turns into a rant and undoes my efforts to keep myself from a meltdown.

Good healing thoughts for {{{BT}}} eye surgey.

Love to you all... thanks for being there LTA tribe... lurkers too. I can't imagine not having found SI.


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