I am asking for some very quick help. If anyone is up?
Here is the deal. I have always felt in my gut that my dh hasn't told me the truth. He's slowly poked me with a very dul blade since the begining of our M.
He has finally realized I've checked out. I'm a ghost. Today, he dropped a bombshell on me. We have to leave for a job in TX, the drive is 2 days.
He said, he is going to spend the next 2 days telling me everything. I won't have to ask a thing. He said he's not going to reveal any new news, no surprises. Only what he was thinking, what was said. Nothing generic like all the times before.
I'm scared to death.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Just my two cents, which that is about all it's worth.
Feeling so alone, sound slike you are doing well!!!
Lostsoul, check in and let us know how the surgery went. How is your sister, btw? also hoping no more cc emails from FWHís sister. Iím sorry,youíll have to remind me, why NC with her too?
I can never reminisce about "remember when"
As to the IC for him, Iíll give it a go. But I know what heíll say Ė he hasnít the time, his diary means he canít commit to a regular day or time, he doesnít want to spend the money on himself. But I will suggest it.
SoL, stand your ground. Keep making it clear that there are new rules these days and if he doesnít sign up to them ÖÖ hugs. (((((SoL)))))
She's a 'normal' person. Good job, family. Just got her nursing degree. It has all suddenly hit me that she is not so 'normal'.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:27 PM, January 23rd (Friday)]
Good to hear that you are doing well, despite the recent reminders.
I believe in total truth, so I think your husband is giving you a great gift. No matter how low I went after d-day I was always able to see my H's confession as a gift to me.
My one piece of advice to you is to remember to listen to what he tells you with the understanding that nothing that he says is about you. If he tells you he cheated because you were a flat out bitch, that does not mean you were a flat out bitch. It means that that is what his experience of you was, and that is affected by all the elements that make up who he is. IOW, it says much more about him than about you.
Try to listen without personalizing it if you can. I hope that makes sense. I am thinking about you.
What is the date of your surgery?
It does suck when some of the past sneaks in, doesnt it?
Focus on what you have achieved thus far (and thats alot!)and hopefully this will be a little bump.
Big big hugs.
Keep a notepad and make notes while he talks. You are been given pieces of the jigsaw of your life, which will help you build the picture of what was.
BT is right...this is not about you, so try not to respond too emotionally for now. Be dispassionate and level headed.
I would have loved for my H to have done this, so I guess I am a little envious.
All the best, GTMI. I will pop in and out if you need to vent/whatever.
Hang in there.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
My 3 year Dday is coming up in March. And I have to say that I am soooo much better now than 3 years ago. My lows don't even compare to what they used to be. They don't consume me. I don't cry. I don't curl up into my shell. I don't feel overwhelmed (at least not much). The A is not all consuming at all. It used to bother me what ow thought about me during the A years, but now I could not give a rats ass what she thought or thinks. And that is a big step for me. I know it should never have bothered me but it did. It just really pissed me off that ow got that over on me. But I've let that go.
My problem now is with the future. We all learned that if they (our h's) want to lead a double life, they can. And this is causing me to hold back in our relationship. For our M to thrive, I've got to let go of the what if's. But I'm having trouble doing that. I can't seem to give my 100 b/c of what if. And if I don't give this M my all then we are right back where we started from. Do I settle for that? Do I settle for being roommates again? I don't want to.
My H is working away from home. He has every opportunity to have another A if he chooses to. I don't think he is or even would, but I didn't think so before Dday either.
I'll definitely call IC Monday. I may be running myself in circles, but at least at almost 3 years out, my circles are concerning the future and not the past.
I also want to tell the ones that are not that far out from their Dday, that it does get better. I am better now that I was a year ago. I am waaaaay much better than I was 2 years ago. And I am so much better than I was almost 3 years ago that the memory of just how bad I was is fading (somewhat), I'll probably never be able to totally forget. So just know that there is hope in the years to come.
[This message edited by Feeling so alone at 8:50 AM, January 24th (Saturday)]
My H also has every opportunity to pursue another affair. I am thinking now heís 53, heís learned from the past (assuming that was his only indiscretion, which I doubt) and wonít be going down that path again. But I still go into the ďif he lies, he lies to himselfĒ zone when he us away. I no longer imagine where he is. Itís a blank. I donít think of us as being roommates, although I cannot put a name on what we have. Iím not his wife. Iím not really his friend. I am bought. Here because I have to be. Here because I cannot tell my boys the source of my sadness. Here because I am not ready to leave. If I had financial independence, I think I would have kicked him out. I have a lot more than most women in my situation, but that doesnít make it any easier. Hís sideline business and DS4ís arrival made me a SAHW&M. I donít even qualify for a state pension. Hís pension isnít worth diddly squat right now. So I am making the best of a poor deal. Is that right? Lord knows. So why does he stay with me? Ah, the $64,0000 question.
FSA, talk to your IC. Sometimes talking it out makes it clearer, releases the demons, exorcises the bad years, realising that we (the WS) are the ones who need the attention. Our WSís gave so much time to themselves, without regard for us and we (as unknown BSís) gave too much to our (unknown)WS without seeing to ourselves. Now we have to find the time for us to discover whatever it is that we want, need, aspire to, look for. It seems they always came first and yet it was never enough, so, fuck Ďem. We come first now. Leave them to flounder, I say.
The future? Day by day. I long for some outside attention. I have noticed more in the last two and a half years than I had in the whole of my marriage before dday. How fucking sad is that? I think I must have looked more than just okay in my thirties and forties. And it meant fuck all to WH. Whatever we had, it simply wasnít enough.
Too much wine. Iíll have to cut back before surgery. Maybe after this weekend. Pre-op assessment on 29th, surgery on 10th Feb. I know Iíll be glad I had it done. New boobs (not big, just your standard B/C cup), turkey neck gone, hooded eyes gone. But, dammit. Iím nervous! Is this due to the infidelity crap? If so, itís a fuck of a price to pay.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend. (((((LTA Tribe)))))
And it does sound like we are in the same place.
I stay for family and financial reasons. And like you said roommates is not the right word for it but it can't really be put into a word that I can think of.
H is trying so hard for a beautiful M from here on out. I just don't know that it can exist for me.
And the surgery. Good luck with that. H has offered surgery to me if I want it. I don't think I do. At 47 I'm not perfect and perky anymore but not so that I want to go there. I figure I'm 47 so I'll be 47. But you go girl and I hope it all goes well.
As for the IC. I will call her Monday. I mainly just want someone to talk it out with. I don't talk to my BF anymore about all this. I know that she tries to understand, but I also know that she can't. She has been divorced for years due to her H's A. They had no children and she caught him with his pants down. They D and she has never remarried. I'm sure she probably sees it as, either get out or get over it. Maybe IC can give me some coping skills on how to settle down to what the future of my M is.
Oh and would you please pass the wine my way. I'd love to have a little drink with a friend.
I had a point similar to where you are. I got out of it by realizing eventually that it hurt more to hold back than it did to let it go. Hope that makes sense.
I've never been much of a risk-taker, so it was hard for me to go all in. But eventually, it was harder to not. I've always admired people of faith and of courage, and I decided to try and be one. If it turns out that my faith in him is misplaced, I will still have my faith in myself. I believe now that will be enough to pull me through.
As for you and UK and surgery....I've seen pix of both you ladies and you are both beautiful. And I've seen quite a bit of your hearts, too, and know that your beauty is more than skin deep. Do what makes you comfortable, but don't feel you need to. You don't.
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 9:15 PM, January 24th (Saturday)]
If it turns out that my faith in him is misplaced, I will still have my faith in myself. I believe now that will be enough to pull my through.
that's wonderful BT.
FSA- I'm just under a year from D-day...so you are much farther ahead of this battle than I. I was kinda thinking about this concept today....seems like BS's have this wall up "just in case" and after d-day the WS has a wall up "just in case" and I don't think full R can happen without the walls being down.... does that make sense? Am I making sense? I doubt everything I say/think....this is what my IC wants to work on actually.
Something I've been thinking about.....
After reading around SI for months...seems like many WS's have certain boundaries that they won't cross during their A ie: it may be that the A partner never meets their children, wife, they don't have sex in the BS's home, in the marriage bed, etc. etc.
So....what does that say about my WH? I guess I wonder...even though the A is not about me...how much of his behaviors are that much more disrespectful towards me? should his past behaviors show me what's really underneath the mask of Mr. nice guy? It feels like he couldn't keep anything sacred for me/us, yk? They took over my house, my bed, she cared for my kids, was in the delivery room, had sex while I was home, etc. etc. These are the details that continue to pester me- make me wonder of his character. I can semi understand the basis of the A, the need for sex, the relationships that developed in his laid back work situation, the friends that were looking up to him because of the A, etc. etc. But....when does any decency come in? Morals? boundaries? Respect? Conscience? It makes it that much scarier that he is possible of ANYTHING. I can't put anything past him....
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
And I've seen quite a bit of your hearts, too, and know that your beauty is more than skin deep. Do what makes you comfortable, but don't feel you need to. You don't.
Is it inevitable that we ďseparateĒ ourselves from our FWSís in the after years? I cannot see myself ever being in such a trusting place again. Like living with a dog that has bitten you, you keep a wary eye open.
WN, I donít know what to say about your H. It is truly breathtaking. I can only assume that he did it because he found that he could. He might have justified it by saying that you were not interested, therefore it didnít matter. It was "only" sex. He does not put significance on the act, dates or places. His conscience was absent as were his boundaries. If he had thought about what he was really doing and what it could mean, he would have been sick. So, he just didnít think about it. However, if he has realised the magnitude of his complete stupidity and selfishness, it would be like having a blindfold removed. Now he can see. What is his overall take, the main emotions before and after dday? And is IC helping him?
Keep on with your IC. If itís working for you, you will get there. (((((WN)))))
Iím sick of feeling second best. I had that all my childhood, I didnít expect it in my marriage.
how much of his behaviors are that much more disrespectful towards me? should his past behaviors show me what's really underneath the mask of Mr. nice guy? It feels like he couldn't keep anything sacred for me/us, yk?
I just so fucking completely fucking hate this fucking roller coaster. I just want to start walking and never stop. I might just go all-out Forrest Gump one of these days. Start walking and just never stop for a few years.
I know I sound like a whiny 4 year old but I want to run away. I came this >< ckose to driving to the aiport this weekend with no bags, nothing and just using the credit card to get on a plane to somewhere, anywhere. I want to go somewhere where there is no pain. I want to go somewhere where I don't think about who my H was and how violated I have been. I want to go somewhere where I can stop plotting all kinds of violent revenge on the OW.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity-Fuck. 17 fucking months of this shit and I am right back at the bottom of the rabbit hole. Nope. Nothing happened. He didn't do anything. I didn't have a massive trigger. I just hate him again for what he did to me for so long. I lurked on here all weekend and just couldn't post because I was so pissed-hurt-upset-betrayed-angry-violated-etc, etc, etc.
And, I see you guys who are 3 years out hurting just as badly and I just say WTF? Is this really worth it? I think I would rather be single and poor than go through this. Yes, I know that I have to go through it either way but maybe, just maybe, it would be easier WITHOUT him. Just get him and all of his past out of my life and start over?
And what about the kids? Why the fuck do you have kids when you are a self-absorbed, selfish, cheating, asshat? Why not just live completely for yourself? Why bring innocent kids into the mix you fucktard?
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! I fucking hate this so fucking much!!
Sorry I haven't been any help to anyone here of late. I am just in a shitty place and anything I say would probably involve your H's losing body parts!