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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All, I want to apologize in advance for not being much assistance since i've been here. That's why I only lurk.

I am asking for some very quick help. If anyone is up?

Here is the deal. I have always felt in my gut that my dh hasn't told me the truth. He's slowly poked me with a very dul blade since the begining of our M.

He has finally realized I've checked out. I'm a ghost. Today, he dropped a bombshell on me. We have to leave for a job in TX, the drive is 2 days.

He said, he is going to spend the next 2 days telling me everything. I won't have to ask a thing. He said he's not going to reveal any new news, no surprises. Only what he was thinking, what was said. Nothing generic like all the times before.


I'm scared to death.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you want to hear it? Going To Make It


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my way to bed.
Going To Make It, I just wanted to say that for me (which we all need different things) I would have wanted to hear these things, mostly so that I could feel like H was finally opening up to me about the A. But hearing these things could also cause much more pain and give you more things to dwell on. Some of what my H has told me, I wish I wouldn't have heard. IF you think there is a chance that this could cause you more pain than you want to carry, then tell him no thanks, I've had enough info.

Just my two cents, which that is about all it's worth.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks I don't know what I'm strong enough to hear. We will see. Night


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck. I would think of it as a mixed blessing as well. But mostly a good thing. I would love for my H to be that open and willing to share. And honestly, the imagination is so worse than real life. Stay strong!

Feeling so alone, sound slike you are doing well!!!


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsoul, check in and let us know how the surgery went. How is your sister, btw? also hoping no more cc emails from FWHís sister. Iím sorry,youíll have to remind me, why NC with her too?
Hello tribe... I'm happy to say that my H's surgery went well. Modern technology is amazing - 4 little incisions - goodbye gall bladder! He heard the surgeon say it was enflamed so I'm glad the cancellation came up so H could have it out now. He's home so being online is limited mostly to email. It feels like deja vu... same diet as my sis was on in hospital & he had in Sept. Thanks for asking about her. She's doing ok (at least it seems so when we talk-almost daily-LD phone plan for US/Cda/24-7 is a Godsend).
More later...

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FSA! I keep meaning to get around to clearing out this house. Would you believe I have not had a spring clean since dday?! What a mucky puss! Iíll be needing a skip outside my house when I do finally get around to it! But yes, part of it is knowing Iíll come across stuff that will set me off and the other is asking myself wtf Iím bothering. Still havenít finished the hallways decor and itís been almost three years since DSís and I stripped it all for the guy to come in and paint 20 doors and put up 30 rolls of paper. What a waste. FWH has never instigated finishing it either, but then all that kind of stuff was down to me. I never realised just how much I did until I stopped. How is your DD now? Poor girl.
*****
GTMI. Agree that if and when you have heard enough, or if it is detail you really donít want to know, that he stops. Itís him off loading his guilt shit. It you donít want it, donít take it. Itís his shit and his baggage and his decisions that brought your marriage to its knees. Hugs hon.
*****
I can never reminisce about "remember when"

One of those things that sat in the pit of my stomach knowing they had that history. That they could somehow paint over their lives from when they split to when they met again. He was never ďmineĒ because he never stopped being hers. And she for him. Iím sick of feeling second best. I had that all my childhood, I didnít expect it in my marriage. And pretty much ditto the rest of your list. sigh.

As to the IC for him, Iíll give it a go. But I know what heíll say Ė he hasnít the time, his diary means he canít commit to a regular day or time, he doesnít want to spend the money on himself. But I will suggest it.
*****
SoL, stand your ground. Keep making it clear that there are new rules these days and if he doesnít sign up to them ÖÖ hugs. (((((SoL)))))

She's a 'normal' person. Good job, family. Just got her nursing degree. It has all suddenly hit me that she is not so 'normal'.

Iíve always said I donít hate MOW. But I have always seen that unhappiness in her life did not give her the right to destroy mine. She should have walked away. If DH left me first before setting up with her, that would be different. But as you say, there is nothing nice or kind or thoughtful about these OPís. These affairs were not ONSís or flings, they were other lives lived with our spouses. That has made me conclude that while I donít hate or really blame her, I do think she is not a nice person on the inside.
*****
WN, those dreams just set you up for the day all wrong, donít they? I wish I could get MOW, her BH and the whole fucking affair crap out of my head at least while I sleep! But as to the sex with OW and what they did, a big part of me doesnít want to know. The tiny bit of curiosity is swamped by the knowledge that it would intrude in our sex life. I have enough trouble with her presence and their intimacy as it is. As to dealing with friends who arenít in the know, I have huge problems keeping schtum. Thatís why my circle has shrunk considerably. I canít cope with them thinking everything is hunky dory when it is not. Sometimes I think it would be better if we have Díd.
*****
Lostsoul. Wonderful what can be done in day surgery! So far, so good. Glad your sister seems okay. Thank goodness for cheap calls!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:27 PM, January 23rd (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA,

Good to hear that you are doing well, despite the recent reminders.

*********
GTMI,

I believe in total truth, so I think your husband is giving you a great gift. No matter how low I went after d-day I was always able to see my H's confession as a gift to me.

My one piece of advice to you is to remember to listen to what he tells you with the understanding that nothing that he says is about you. If he tells you he cheated because you were a flat out bitch, that does not mean you were a flat out bitch. It means that that is what his experience of you was, and that is affected by all the elements that make up who he is. IOW, it says much more about him than about you.

Try to listen without personalizing it if you can. I hope that makes sense. I am thinking about you.

*********
UK,
What is the date of your surgery?


BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA !!!!
Hallo, dear friend.

It does suck when some of the past sneaks in, doesnt it?
Focus on what you have achieved thus far (and thats alot!)and hopefully this will be a little bump.

Big big hugs.
((((((((FSA))))))))

****

GTMI,
Keep a notepad and make notes while he talks. You are been given pieces of the jigsaw of your life, which will help you build the picture of what was.

BT is right...this is not about you, so try not to respond too emotionally for now. Be dispassionate and level headed.

I would have loved for my H to have done this, so I guess I am a little envious.

All the best, GTMI. I will pop in and out if you need to vent/whatever.

***

(((((((((WHATNOW)))))))

Hang in there.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw this in General. Thought I would flag it for those of you who are feeling down.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=274267&AP=1&HL=9901


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry ladies but I have an urge to talk, so I guess I'll talk it out here. I haven't been to IC in quite a while. Think I'll call her Monday to see about talking it out with her. But for now, I've got SI.

My 3 year Dday is coming up in March. And I have to say that I am soooo much better now than 3 years ago. My lows don't even compare to what they used to be. They don't consume me. I don't cry. I don't curl up into my shell. I don't feel overwhelmed (at least not much). The A is not all consuming at all. It used to bother me what ow thought about me during the A years, but now I could not give a rats ass what she thought or thinks. And that is a big step for me. I know it should never have bothered me but it did. It just really pissed me off that ow got that over on me. But I've let that go.

My problem now is with the future. We all learned that if they (our h's) want to lead a double life, they can. And this is causing me to hold back in our relationship. For our M to thrive, I've got to let go of the what if's. But I'm having trouble doing that. I can't seem to give my 100 b/c of what if. And if I don't give this M my all then we are right back where we started from. Do I settle for that? Do I settle for being roommates again? I don't want to.

My H is working away from home. He has every opportunity to have another A if he chooses to. I don't think he is or even would, but I didn't think so before Dday either.

I'll definitely call IC Monday. I may be running myself in circles, but at least at almost 3 years out, my circles are concerning the future and not the past.

I also want to tell the ones that are not that far out from their Dday, that it does get better. I am better now that I was a year ago. I am waaaaay much better than I was 2 years ago. And I am so much better than I was almost 3 years ago that the memory of just how bad I was is fading (somewhat), I'll probably never be able to totally forget. So just know that there is hope in the years to come.

FSA

[This message edited by Feeling so alone at 8:50 AM, January 24th (Saturday)]


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA, I think Iím pretty much in the same boat as you. I hate to think of how H has wrecked our future, one that he seemed pretty content about, even while he was in the affair. I also cared enough about what MOW thought about me to meet with her with the specific intention of showing that I was a ďnice personĒ and didnít deserve this shit. She texted me saying that she understood why he wouldnít leave me. Crap, why did I bother? I donít care what she thinks now. Sheís just one sad bitch and I hope she dies in a shroud of guilt.

My H also has every opportunity to pursue another affair. I am thinking now heís 53, heís learned from the past (assuming that was his only indiscretion, which I doubt) and wonít be going down that path again. But I still go into the ďif he lies, he lies to himselfĒ zone when he us away. I no longer imagine where he is. Itís a blank. I donít think of us as being roommates, although I cannot put a name on what we have. Iím not his wife. Iím not really his friend. I am bought. Here because I have to be. Here because I cannot tell my boys the source of my sadness. Here because I am not ready to leave. If I had financial independence, I think I would have kicked him out. I have a lot more than most women in my situation, but that doesnít make it any easier. Hís sideline business and DS4ís arrival made me a SAHW&M. I donít even qualify for a state pension. Hís pension isnít worth diddly squat right now. So I am making the best of a poor deal. Is that right? Lord knows. So why does he stay with me? Ah, the $64,0000 question.

FSA, talk to your IC. Sometimes talking it out makes it clearer, releases the demons, exorcises the bad years, realising that we (the WS) are the ones who need the attention. Our WSís gave so much time to themselves, without regard for us and we (as unknown BSís) gave too much to our (unknown)WS without seeing to ourselves. Now we have to find the time for us to discover whatever it is that we want, need, aspire to, look for. It seems they always came first and yet it was never enough, so, fuck Ďem. We come first now. Leave them to flounder, I say.

The future? Day by day. I long for some outside attention. I have noticed more in the last two and a half years than I had in the whole of my marriage before dday. How fucking sad is that? I think I must have looked more than just okay in my thirties and forties. And it meant fuck all to WH. Whatever we had, it simply wasnít enough.

Too much wine. Iíll have to cut back before surgery. Maybe after this weekend. Pre-op assessment on 29th, surgery on 10th Feb. I know Iíll be glad I had it done. New boobs (not big, just your standard B/C cup), turkey neck gone, hooded eyes gone. But, dammit. Iím nervous! Is this due to the infidelity crap? If so, itís a fuck of a price to pay.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend. (((((LTA Tribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI
Give us an update as to how it went. And hope H was sensitive about telling you.
((((GTMI))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've lurked around all day waiting for a reply. Thanks UK

And it does sound like we are in the same place.

I stay for family and financial reasons. And like you said roommates is not the right word for it but it can't really be put into a word that I can think of.

H is trying so hard for a beautiful M from here on out. I just don't know that it can exist for me.

And the surgery. Good luck with that. H has offered surgery to me if I want it. I don't think I do. At 47 I'm not perfect and perky anymore but not so that I want to go there. I figure I'm 47 so I'll be 47. But you go girl and I hope it all goes well.

As for the IC. I will call her Monday. I mainly just want someone to talk it out with. I don't talk to my BF anymore about all this. I know that she tries to understand, but I also know that she can't. She has been divorced for years due to her H's A. They had no children and she caught him with his pants down. They D and she has never remarried. I'm sure she probably sees it as, either get out or get over it. Maybe IC can give me some coping skills on how to settle down to what the future of my M is.

Oh and would you please pass the wine my way. I'd love to have a little drink with a friend.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA,

I had a point similar to where you are. I got out of it by realizing eventually that it hurt more to hold back than it did to let it go. Hope that makes sense.

I've never been much of a risk-taker, so it was hard for me to go all in. But eventually, it was harder to not. I've always admired people of faith and of courage, and I decided to try and be one. If it turns out that my faith in him is misplaced, I will still have my faith in myself. I believe now that will be enough to pull me through.

As for you and UK and surgery....I've seen pix of both you ladies and you are both beautiful. And I've seen quite a bit of your hearts, too, and know that your beauty is more than skin deep. Do what makes you comfortable, but don't feel you need to. You don't.

BT

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 9:15 PM, January 24th (Saturday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it turns out that my faith in him is misplaced, I will still have my faith in myself. I believe now that will be enough to pull my through.

that's wonderful BT.

FSA- I'm just under a year from D-day...so you are much farther ahead of this battle than I. I was kinda thinking about this concept today....seems like BS's have this wall up "just in case" and after d-day the WS has a wall up "just in case" and I don't think full R can happen without the walls being down.... does that make sense? Am I making sense? I doubt everything I say/think....this is what my IC wants to work on actually.

______________

Something I've been thinking about.....

After reading around SI for months...seems like many WS's have certain boundaries that they won't cross during their A ie: it may be that the A partner never meets their children, wife, they don't have sex in the BS's home, in the marriage bed, etc. etc.

So....what does that say about my WH? I guess I wonder...even though the A is not about me...how much of his behaviors are that much more disrespectful towards me? should his past behaviors show me what's really underneath the mask of Mr. nice guy? It feels like he couldn't keep anything sacred for me/us, yk? They took over my house, my bed, she cared for my kids, was in the delivery room, had sex while I was home, etc. etc. These are the details that continue to pester me- make me wonder of his character. I can semi understand the basis of the A, the need for sex, the relationships that developed in his laid back work situation, the friends that were looking up to him because of the A, etc. etc. But....when does any decency come in? Morals? boundaries? Respect? Conscience? It makes it that much scarier that he is possible of ANYTHING. I can't put anything past him....


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming to the end of what has ended up being a crap weekend with H being passive aggressive without me knowing why. I wish he would do something. I could have had my surgery two weeks ago, but put it off to Feb thinking he would at least book us a few days away. Nope. Nothing. His idea of a good suggestion is to go down the pub to play darts and pool. Or to go to our local Italian (discount Ė DS3 works there) for dinner. All those little detailed plans for his mistress and fuck all for the wife. Did I really do EVERYTHING??? Any suggestions how I get him motivated to do something for US??? Iíve asked, suggested, said where I want to go and all to no avail. Nothing gets done unless I DO IT.

And I've seen quite a bit of your hearts, too, and know that your beauty is more than skin deep. Do what makes you comfortable, but don't feel you need to. You don't.

Thanks, BT. Unfortunately the inner self has turned rather ugly since dday. Iím not looking forward to the surgical procedures, but I keep thinking how Iíll look afterwards. Hopefully.

Is it inevitable that we ďseparateĒ ourselves from our FWSís in the after years? I cannot see myself ever being in such a trusting place again. Like living with a dog that has bitten you, you keep a wary eye open.

WN, I donít know what to say about your H. It is truly breathtaking. I can only assume that he did it because he found that he could. He might have justified it by saying that you were not interested, therefore it didnít matter. It was "only" sex. He does not put significance on the act, dates or places. His conscience was absent as were his boundaries. If he had thought about what he was really doing and what it could mean, he would have been sick. So, he just didnít think about it. However, if he has realised the magnitude of his complete stupidity and selfishness, it would be like having a blindfold removed. Now he can see. What is his overall take, the main emotions before and after dday? And is IC helping him?

Keep on with your IC. If itís working for you, you will get there. (((((WN)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI - Please drop in and let us know how this weekend went for you. I agree with the others that your H's willingness to finally open up and tell the truth about his A is a gift that will hopefully make it possible for you to start to rebuild your M. It is always so hard to hear the truth but I admire my H most when he tells me something that I know to be the truth. It helps me trust him more when I know he isn't protecting himself but doing what he knows I need for my recovery. (((GTMI)))
FSA - So good to see you again. I wish I had the answer to letting go. I see many of us here doing exactly this - holding on to our fears and building walls to protect us from being hurt again yet it is those walls that keep us from fully engaging in the M and this hurts too.
BT - how did you do that? I think about how much I need to let go of the past but how does one do that really when there are so many triggers at every turn? I honestly don't understand what it means to let go of the past. Maybe I should say, I hear the words but I don't know what steps I need to take to do that, KWIM???
There are a few of us here who are at this point and I for one want to take that first step toward the future and leave the past behind but it sounds only like a lovely concept, not something that can actually be done.
Iím sick of feeling second best. I had that all my childhood, I didnít expect it in my marriage.

UKG - I hope it's ok to focus on this statement but it made me think of something my IC tried to get out of me when I was in C'ing. He was always trying to get me to look back into my past to discover old wounds and see how these were re-opened as a result of the A. He felt that once I acknowledged them, I could focus our sessions on healing the old wounds that prevented me from recovering from the wounds of my H's LTA. Am I making sense??? I don't know if you and your IC work on this but when I read this statement I thought I might just suggest this if you thought it would help. (((UKG)))
how much of his behaviors are that much more disrespectful towards me? should his past behaviors show me what's really underneath the mask of Mr. nice guy? It feels like he couldn't keep anything sacred for me/us, yk?

Unfortunately WN I do know and this is a major piece that prevents me from fully letting go of the A. As you know, the OW was very much a part of our lives too. She was not living with us but was always present in our lives. When I've questioned my H about this his explanation for always insisting that she be a part of our life was that he was glad that the OW and I were friends. He liked that we were one big happy family. See how my wife and my fuckbuddy care for each other?? It is so twisted. She was always sending cards, calling, offering to help me, and I was doing the same for her. I cannot imagine what was in our H's heads but I do know that it was very sick, twisted and unbearably disrespectful. It is a huge issue to come to terms with and after 3 years of trying to recover, it is one issue that still rips out my heart. I wish I could tell you after all this time what has helped me to deal with this aspect. I think the only thing that has helped is knowing that she is so completely out of our lives. I pray that she suffers loneliness, regret, self-loathing and despair for the crimes she committed against me. I know in order to fully recover I will have to let this hatred for her go too, but HOW do I do this???? (((WN)))
LS - so glad to hear that your H's surgery went well and especially that your sister is doing better too. My sister is doing better now and hopefully we will both keep having positive news to report. (((LS)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<warning mini-vent>>

I just so fucking completely fucking hate this fucking roller coaster. I just want to start walking and never stop. I might just go all-out Forrest Gump one of these days. Start walking and just never stop for a few years.

I know I sound like a whiny 4 year old but I want to run away. I came this >< ckose to driving to the aiport this weekend with no bags, nothing and just using the credit card to get on a plane to somewhere, anywhere. I want to go somewhere where there is no pain. I want to go somewhere where I don't think about who my H was and how violated I have been. I want to go somewhere where I can stop plotting all kinds of violent revenge on the OW.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity-Fuck. 17 fucking months of this shit and I am right back at the bottom of the rabbit hole. Nope. Nothing happened. He didn't do anything. I didn't have a massive trigger. I just hate him again for what he did to me for so long. I lurked on here all weekend and just couldn't post because I was so pissed-hurt-upset-betrayed-angry-violated-etc, etc, etc.

And, I see you guys who are 3 years out hurting just as badly and I just say WTF? Is this really worth it? I think I would rather be single and poor than go through this. Yes, I know that I have to go through it either way but maybe, just maybe, it would be easier WITHOUT him. Just get him and all of his past out of my life and start over?

And what about the kids? Why the fuck do you have kids when you are a self-absorbed, selfish, cheating, asshat? Why not just live completely for yourself? Why bring innocent kids into the mix you fucktard?

AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! I fucking hate this so fucking much!!

<vent over>

Sorry I haven't been any help to anyone here of late. I am just in a shitty place and anything I say would probably involve your H's losing body parts!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Shirley, what can I say? I know how you feel. We all do. I can't tell you how many times I have said to my sister and my kids, Look, I just need to go away and not tell anyone where I'm going. I just want to find a place of peace and try to get my head together. The only thing that kept me from doing just that was knowing my kids would have gone crazy worrying about me.
But that's part of the problem, isn't it? We do worry about the effects on our children when our fuckwit H's never gave a fucking damn (thought I'd join in and felt you'd like some company).
See, that's what makes it so damn impossible to understand what our H's did to us. We could never compartmentalize the well-being of our children. How can we possibly understand that aspect of their personality? I didn't always care about what my H needed or wanted from me but I have always thought first of what my children want and need and have always put their needs ahead of my own, even now when they are all adults. It's what kept me in this M when my first instinct was to bail.
I remember the night I sat them all down after my H admitted his A to them and asked them what they hoped for. Each one of them said they would support me in any decision I made but each one admitted that they hoped we could survive this. I could see it in their eyes and it broke my heart.
Shirley, I am not sorry I made this choice even though I bitch and moan at times. I love having my family together. I just told my H the other night when he thanked me for staying that I didn't stay for him, I stayed for all of us. I stayed so that our family could remain intact. This is what I remind myself of when I get down. I know, I really honestly, deeply know that I would not be happy if our family was broken. I see it in the friends who did D. Families suffer. I don't want that for us and maybe you don't either. You rant, and cuss and scream and get these negative feelings out. It's safe here and we just think you're the greatest (and pretty damn funny too). We'll be here to help you through, whatever you decide.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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