But that's part of the problem, isn't it? We do worry about the effects on our children when our fuckwit H's never gave a fucking damn
That's what drives me fucking nuts!!!! I can almost understand him doing this to me; but, HOW do you look at your beautiful innocent kids and think "Yep, I'll just toss them under the bus too!"
When I said that to him this weekend, his first reaction was that "he didn't throw them under the bus".
I just stopped in my tracks and just looked at him, saying nothing, for a really long time. I wanted him to think about what he had just said. After a few minutes, he realized just how ridiculous that statement was. And my poor 8 year old said to me yesterday that I seemed so "glum". It just rips my heart out for her to see me like this.
I tried reading both fiction and self-help and that didn't help. Shit, I read a whole Bill Bryson book this weekend and I was still in this funk.
I just told my H the other night when he thanked me for staying that I didn't stay for him, I stayed for all of us. I stayed so that our family could remain intact.
This is what I am trying to do but at what cost to me? We have all sacrificed so much already, do we have to give up our whole life?
Thanks for the hugs, FNF, I really need them. I think I am going to go work out and see if that helps.
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 8:54 AM, January 26th (Monday)]
And, I see you guys who are 3 years out hurting just as badly and I just say WTF
I am right back at the bottom of the rabbit hole
Yes, I know that I have to go through it either way but maybe, just maybe, it would be easier WITHOUT him. Just get him and all of his past out of my life and start over?
FNF nice to see you again too!!
I doubt everything I say/think
I pray that she suffers loneliness, regret, self-loathing and despair for the crimes she committed against me. I know in order to fully recover I will have to let this hatred for her go too, but HOW do I do this????
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
I don't go there anymore. I know that I kept reading that it would get better and that I used to doubt that big time, but it has gotten better.
FSA - do you remember when the pain eased off. I know it isn't as bad as immediately after dday. There are days when I don't cry. But, I still end up down in this hole thinking "WTF? How did I get back here again?"
I know at 17 months I am still in the "beginning" but it just suck so much to go through this for so long.
But I do have faith that her day will come, if it hasn't already. You do reap what you sow, and I'd hate to be in her shoes when it's time to pay up.
I wish I had faith that this would happen...I just don't yet.
do you remember when the pain eased off
I wish I had faith that this would happen...I just don't yet.
I'd say about 6 months ago.
Are you telling me I have another whole fucking year of this shit?!!
That's it...I have to go work out and then buy something expensive!!!
And as for the buying something expensive. I'm still doing that.
During the drive, he told me what I believe to finally be everything. After 4 years, 9 months and 3 weeks, I can start to put MY life back together.
I was calm, never got angry or unset. He was very forthcoming. I now know he went almost 10 years without seeing or speaking to her. Then from 97-02 seeing her every time he went to the West Coast. A couple times while I was with him. In 02, when he was getting ready to leave, she said what she always did, "will I see you again?" he actually said "No", I will not be back. Hence, her need to call in 04 using the excuse of her mother dying and fullfiling her mother's dying wish This is what lead me to believe that something happened or was going to happen.
How do I feel? I don't know. I look at him and think what an idiot! I'm relieved, I don't have that usual sinking feeling in my stomach when I wake up anymore. We shall see.
Thanks for all the encouragement, I realize that I should be grateful for finally having the whole pictur, and in a sense I am, but please, he could have done it so much sooner.
he told me what I believe to finally be everything
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:48 AM, January 26th (Monday)]
They knew what they stood to lose and they are working very hard to regain our love and our trust. It may not be perfect but we know and we can see how much effort they are making to right their wrongs.
But how much do you think they would have taken off of ow. NADA.
This is not true in my case.
He put up with a lot of crap from SOW. She was teflon and somehow I was velcro even in their relationship.
The thing is finally now 4 years and 4 months later he is able to openly talk about what she was really like and what I wasn't really like.
But during and for the first while after???? OH No the paragon lived on.
edited because I can't seem to write today.
[This message edited by Ruthie at 10:46 AM, January 26th (Monday)]
These OW now have to accept that other than being a freebie piece of ass, they meant very little to our H's
That makes me feel better!!
I am now just feeling like I am angry and do not want to work so hard. I don't feel like having sex at all, am glad when he is not around so I don't have to fake being upbeat, I know I should be telling him all this right now, but I just don't feel like it. Can't we just be angry without always talking about it, and what is the turning point, one way or another? I'm starting to feel really confused.
I don't know what you can do about this, I did want to tell you though that now over the past few months I have been able to finally recongize that I am down right p****d off at the circumstances I have lived.
I think the delay in hitting the anger phase for me has been because I was too involved in trying to understand the situation, deal with a bit of trickle truth, deal with kids, deal with false R, deal with deployments and deal with keeping it together .... That now, things are getting back to a more even keel and I am able to deal with me.
So all that to say,... You aren't the only one out there this far out and getting angry.
Welcome to our new members. This is a great place to come and vent, listen and enjoy some wonderful friendships.
As to the anger phase, each of us has our own unique experience. There is no right or wrong to the sequence of our healing process. Go with your instincts, try to ignore your H's reactions, insecurities, frustrations and take care of yourself. I have never been very good at pushing down my feelings or pretending. Eventually powerful emotions will surface and I believe that allowing them to surface before they become enormous is in the best interest of all involved. That's MHO for what it's worth.
[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 2:52 PM, January 26th (Monday)]
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.
Sorry, this turned into a vent.
Yeah, LH2 - no venting here!!
Okay, I leave for a few hours and we have 3 new members? Welcome all. Sorry your first view of me with the expletive filled vent but that is just where I was this morning. Did get a good workout, then a walk with the dog and then TRIED to buy something but nothing good to be had for "retail therapy". So I am cooking instead.
GTMI - I am sure it was so painful to hear it all but freeing as well. As you know, my H spewed all of the gory details of his double life over two ddays. I was in complete shock as I had no idea that he had been unfaithful AT ALL much less through our entire relationship. But, after, it just kinda made sense, KWIM? It explained some weird crap that I just never could understand.
Gasping...I have a similar timeline in that I found out about the last A 6 years after it had ended. It was a seven year LTA with a coworker and the news hit me just like he had ended it that morning.
Great new word for the OW up in general "twatsicle"!! You just gotta love SI.
So LostH...what's up...why the vent and why did you take it down?
LS - so glad to hear that your H's surgery went well and especially that your sister is doing better too. My sister is doing better now and hopefully we will both keep having positive news to report. (((LS)))
Thanks FnF! Good news about our sisters is a bright spot in life these days.
my H is improving daily from the surgery although tiring easily. He's trying to work online from his laptop (not too successfully just now - server problem).
So much of today's posts reflect my thoughts! I want to print and read again so that the wisdom can sink in. It's so weird to know we are having almost parallel circumstances. That out FWHs can be so alike in their thoughts about betrayal and behaviours. I'm torn right now with being the dutiful wife but having awful dreams and not believing that I have the truth as antiversary #2 approaches.
Thanks tribe (welcome to the new posters - sorry you are here though) for all the sharing you do. No need for apologies from anyone IMO. I lurk more than I post and then I post copiously for a bit. I just know I value SI and I'm very glad to have found the supportive people here.