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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((weepy))) Double Ditto to what you said, I'm there right with you. Could have been my exact words.


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,
I really want to share this thought. We have all come from a tough place. We have all had our foundations shifted and in some cases destroyed. We all know the deep turmoil and pain that a LTA causes. We also need to remember we have choices in our lives and those choices need to be made for ourselves. We are better for everyone we love if we are content and emotionally sound. We are the best we can be if we are happy with our choices. No one gets to dictate your life. If you choose to be happy, you will be. Some of us have forgotten how to smile from the inside...the place where real beauty begins. Hold your heads up, be the best person you can be from the inside out. Work at true honesty and communication with your loved ones and your WS IF that is YOUR CHOICE.
I am not a young woman. I have wrinkles, dry skin and I am in no way thin! The OW was well put together and a perfect size 8. When it came time to choose, he chose me and then begged me not to leave him because he knew I truly would. I was not going to be anyone's victim or doormat. My H is planning our recommittment ceremony for Feb. He needs to be the one to plan it. He is recommitting........I have always been committed. He has thanked me over and over for creating a safe place for him to be honest. Oh, I was angry and I am still hurting but we deal with that immediatly as it surfaces. Many, many nights I have cried and he has kissed away the tears. However, he knows with out a doubt, I am here because I am chosing to be here with him, if he makes another "choice" in his life...so will I.
I wish you all strength and peace with your choices.


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks fading memories for you kind words and sound insight!


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((whimsey)))

I think the OC puts a whole layer of additional burden on you and your H to overcome that would make this so much harder. He has a child that he must love, but whose existence he must hate because of what it says about him. And you must struggle with your emotions about the child, too, and about your own kids and what this OC will someday mean for them. I don't know how you take the stress with the amount of courage and compassion that you do. In fact, I think you are amazing in the commitment that you've shown to your marriage and your family in the face of that evil OW and all she has put you through.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm... quite a few thought provoking posts for a wkend! Several echoing my thoughts & feelings. Sad to be in this place but great to have the support of like minds to know that we are not alone or 'crazy' in the situations we find ourselves in.

Glad to see you Whimsey. You inspire us just by being you... so no worries about the 'whine' (we can keep a supply of cheese & crackers at the cabin) so keep it up. The OC adds a dimension to the LTA betrayal that I can only imagine. BT covered it eloquently, as usual.

Thanks for sharing FM, reminding us the A was about choices and our WS, not the OP. The idea of my FWH planning a re-commitment ceremony is one I can only hope for. It's been mentioned in passing but it has to come from him to be meaningful...

{{{Weepy}}} (((LH2))) {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by dremalou at 10:47 AM, February 16th (Monday)]


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
waitingtodie
♀ Member
Member # 21755
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 7th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is 2 years considered a long term affair? I think it feels worse than if it had been a ONS or series of prostitutes. Also, how long does trickle truth go on for most people? At first I was told vehemently there was no sex. When I asked specific questions he admitted he admired and felt her bare breasts in his office. Then he admitted that while they were snuggling in bed at a conference, she touched his penis and at that point decided she didn't feel comfortable having sex with her. How much more should I expect? What has been other people's experiences?

Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2008
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Waiting.

I read your profile.
Wow, he certainly put you through the wringer, didnt he?

But you know what stood out most in your notes?
That you fought for yourself, you stayed true to you, and look how well that has worked out for you...you built your own life and your own world and you have that to lean on.
Well done you!!!

Re the trickle truth...it varies on the WS, but I have rarely come across one in LTA land who spills all at one go.
And from what you say about your H, putting aside this A with his workcolleague( she has got some nerve sueing him!); I suspect (but hope I am wrong)that your H has much to tell you, probably going back a long time.

I think maybe you know this because you mentioned the "relationships" he had always had. And maybe they werent all PA's; but they were wrong nonetheless.
Like my IC is fond of saying, your H has always been "inappropriate" with women.

Continue to look after yourself, Waiting. You are doing well. Believe nothing until it can be verified, so for now, take notes as you go along (the story will prob change a few times) and keep refueling your inner strength. I look forward to getting to know you.

Btw, I dont much care for your name, but I guess you chose it, like most of us, in a moment of deep pain.
So I am going to call you Waiting.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the very first time I logged in this morning and didn't feel like reading about infidelity. Logging in first thing is sort of a conditioned response now. I get up, turn on the computer, get my tea, come here.

Today, I just don't feel like dealing with it any more. I'm tired of how much time his crap has taken out of my life.

I need to do something about my old company 401K. Don't want to get into it because some days I feel like changing my beneficiaries, so I put it off and now I HAVE to make a decision before December 13 or it will roll over on it's own. I have found myself HERE instead of dealing with my life.

Somebody asks me to go somewhere on a Thursday night and I have to say "no, I have other plans". I hate that the other plans are IC.

I noticed this morning that when H called and kidded me about "sleeping in" (it was 6:30 am) and gave me the "it must be nice to not have to work for a living" comments, they didn't even sting. Not a bit. I didn't even feel like I had to defend my lack of employment. I didn't react like "How does it feel having to work for a change and worry about what your wife is doing with all HER free time?" I didn't take it as something I needed to fix. (And that is huge).

I don't think I've been pissed off at him for a week now. I don't feel the urge to correct his perception of things, I don't even listen, really. If he wants a comment, it's been "I'm not going to argue this with you, you think your way, I think mine." I admit it's still tough when he gets jugdemental like he did the other night at dinner. he said he was stating an opinion, not judging anyone else, but it sure sounds like that. Just told him he could solve everything by saying up front "In MY opinion....." then we'll know it's just his thoughts instead of us being wrong, we're just "different".

I don't know. All I'm saying is I'm tired and I might not be on here as often over the holidays. I need to see if I can live without infidelity owning my soul for a while. (course it doesn't help that I'm watching Lonesome Dove and every other word is 'whore') but I'm managing, probably because H isn't watching it with me.

Hey tomorrow I may change my mind, but for now it looks like I'm dropping IC till the new year and staying off the computer except for work and shopping of course.

I'll check up on you all, and if you really need me, PM me. I have a regular cast in there, so I'll be checking them.

Let's see how the experiment goes.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Weepy))),

Hey my WS is a jerk most of the time. He thinks his views on life and his assessments of me are so profound. If he only knew how often I'm not even listening when he's talking... .

Your "experiment" sounds just fine. Do what you need to do -- 4U. I'll miss you. Take care.

[This message edited by dremalou at 1:49 PM, December 8th (Monday)]


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
dremalou
♀ Member
Member # 204
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by dremalou at 7:15 PM, February 15th (Sunday)]


BW/59 M25yrs, 2gether 31yrs (known H 4ever), D33/gsons/12&10/gdau/2yr
WH/62 East Coast A since May 97/Deep Fog
OW/64 never married only "Does" married men
Where's the man I married?...
Pro 5:20-23...lost w/o God
Ps 119:49-80 PTL

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Northern CA
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New member here -- I've been lurking for several weeks and feel like its time to post.

Married 29 years, 2 kids, 24 and 21. WH has always been a great Dad and until D-day, I thought he was a great husband. Always has been considerate, would bring me flowers for "no reason", tell me he loved me, I was his best friend, etc. etc. I thought we had a great marriage, and our friends would tell us that we were an inspiration because we got along so well. Ha.

I found out about OW#1 accidentally when sorting through things for moving -- found some very personal cards from another woman. He has started a new job in another state and has lived there since fall. I flew there in Oct for a visit and found her name and phone # on his cell phone. Then, after searching around the apartment, found some pictures of her (clothed but in provacative poses).

When I confronted him, he tried to deny it, but then confessed. She was a woman he worked with in the mid 90s -- he can't remember exactly when he met her. They started going out to lunch together, and then when we moved to another state, they continued the relationship through e-mails and phone calls. He also met her several times while on business trips. He swears that there was no sex.

He also promised that they had been NC since August and that there were no other women. He begged for R instead of D, and started IC within a week of D-day. Gave me passwords a few weeks later after he had a chance to clean out his mailboxes.

D-day #2 happened when I was checking on his e-mail site and found an address that he thought he had deleted. Turns out that he had registered on a dating site and admits to 2 e-mail "relationships." He says they've ended. The phone logs don't show any calls since early Oct, and I haven't seen any e-mails to the addresses that I know about.

He was able to hide the A before by using his work e-mail and Blackberry; he now has a new work Blackberry and e-mail.

He has been very remorseful, trying to communicate with me, etc. He says that the A were superficial, but I have a feeling that I'll find out that things were very different -- I'm waiting to hear the real truth. We plan on starting MC when I move out there.

In the meantime, I'm still living in another state, waiting to sell the house so I can join him. We talk 2-3 times per day on the phone and e-mail daily. Status? Lots of unknowns, but optomistic. We have a long history together.

I'm feeling numb, relieved, hurt, happy, devastated -- you name it, I've felt it. I know I have a lot more to go through, and am not exactly looking forward to "mucking the stall." However, my WH seems to be really trying to do his part as best as he can right now.

Any advice, support, etc. appreciated. Thanks --

[This message edited by gettingthrutoday at 6:42 AM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tribe,

Just diving in to say you ALL need to go up to general and read Truthsetmefree's post on Passive/Aggressive behavior and Affair. Very, Very Eye-Opening and very relevant to LTAs.

Welcome new members. I am sorry you are here but you will find much support. I have to go get the kids and when I get back, I will give you a proper welcome.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi gang! Been out and about, but see we have some fancy digs here. Shame I don't ski, guess I'll make do with the hot tub and the bar!

Hi to the newbies.

Waiting, Welcome.

WS always looked to approval from other women to validated himself.

I’ve posted to your thread in Gen. One thing about Gen, it can be brutal and if you are wanting a D, there are plenty who will be by your side giving you encouragement. But you have a lot of history that you will be throwing on the fire, so why not wait. You’ve been together 28yrs, so wha’t another 6mths? (That was my first agreement). Like so many here, I have what is generally called and alpha-male for a spouse and one who enjoys the company of women (we are more interesting than blokes, apparently) while also being popular amongst a group of men, esp sporting types. While female friends were going through D’s, HE would be the one to take them out to lunch, compliment them, give them advice, tell them their WH’s were in the wrong, a shoulder to cry on. Oh my. As to the trickle truth, I had a full year and then some when I met up with MOW’sH and learned some more. But the fact is, with LTA’s, you are never going to get it all simply by the word “long”. Be ready for a long ride, take counselling and see if there is anything you want to salvage. Come down here for advice and guidance.
*****
gettingthrutoday, hello to you and a warm welcome.
We have a long history together.

Are you able to spend time together? When is the move likely to happen? How is your FHW coping with your physical separation? Has your H stopped gaslighting you?
*****
Numb and Angry, I hope you can find some help on your situation here.
The only thing I know for sure is that when WS is swearing at me and calling me names for not wanting to sleep with him anymore or pretend to be a big, happy family, that he is NOT "the best thing that ever happened to me".

Oh dear, on the defensive big time. Please look after yourself and do not allow him to be the bully. I'm hoping guilt is causing this behaviour. You are not dumb, you believed your H. He is the dumbass.
*****
dremalou, welcome back. It sounds like apathy and inertia. But you have realised this cannot continue and there is a cut off point coming up. What do you want to do? Take back some control and do not allow life to just happen (thanks LostH!). You are not a passenger, you can be the driver.
*****
BBL. Off to get a drink.



D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT Just want to say I’m pleased and relieved about your boy. He must think you are just the best!

Weepy, should you be lurking! Firstly, take care of yourself. It might have been a little bump, but just take care for a while longer, ok? But pleased H seems to be reasonable about it so far. Good.

Refused his arthritis meds, doesn't take his cholesterol meds

Try homeopathic or alternative therapies? St John’s Wart was used by folk specifically for those horrid dark winter months way before the chemical substitutes.
Let's see how the experiment goes.

I think the most important thing is to try to put the affair-crap-thing in its place. Sometimes it does take up too much space in our lives. The best thing about SI is that we can dip in and out. Sometimes we need to make it our home for a while, other times we take a holiday (not really had mine yet!). SI will always be a part of my life, I think. Like the person you see down the road every once in a while and stop for a chat. And it’s a place I will always be so grateful to have found. I may feel I’ve lost my mind sometimes, but if that’s the case, at least I’m not alone! See you friend and sister!

SoL

Reading lists of how to tell a man is cheating

Ditto, amazing how many I could tick off. Boy, it makes me feel such a fool. But then I think how I was deceived, how he pulled the wool over my eyes and would do things to reassure me, and of course MOW was nothing to do with any other aspect of his or our lives. As to your triggering, it would have sent me off the deep end too, so of course we understand!

25, Hi, good to hear from you and there’s nothing wrong with having a whinge. We can all feel like four year olds at times and just want to whinge with being so tired of it all and it being so unfair. And I too sense that I have changed fundamentally, that the very rock of our relationship turned out to be papier mache. But it seems your FWH is paying a very high price with his affair resulting in OC. The fact that you have to accept that this OW will always be a part of your life must be so difficult to deal with. And I admire your incredible strength esp as BT has said, this woman was and is such a sour bitch about it all. This is a bit of a tangent, but I was so shocked when FWH told me that OW’s father had an affair, that a child resulted and that baby (half-sister) was taken in and brought up by OW’s family. OW even took WH to lunch at the restaurant her half-sister and husband ran. It somehow made me think that OW thought her behaviour was perfectly acceptable.

Some of us have forgotten how to smile from the inside...

Fading, this has been very hard for me. While I’ve never been one of those laugh out loud, make jokes, gregarious types, I have smiled and felt warm on the inside. One of those things that does shine out as contentment. Since dday, I have ignored and glared at a couple of “Well, it’s alright for you” comments, screaming “you know fuck all” in my head. One day it will all come spewing out and it will not be pretty.
I question my judgment of other people and their relationships and I cannot believe how my view of FWH has changed so dramatically. He simply isn’t the person I thought he was. And, sadly, all his vitality and spirit and laughter has diminished to be replaced with concern and sadness. He wishes he could fly around the world backwards and stop it happening in the first place. As to OW comparisons, she is dumpy, frumpy, dowdy and a mess. She looks sad with the corners of her pinched mouth turned down. I realise it is as a result of her sad life. I look at me and see someone who has aged so much in the last 2 and a half yrs and the sadness shows in my reflection. I don’t like it, so the surgery will be in the new year. I WILL have better tits than her and I WILL look ten years younger than her.

Hi Shirley! Check out on that post in Gen later.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:00 PM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Waiting. I read your profile. First, let me say that I seriously doubt that they were in bed together, she touched his penis and then nothing else happened. They had sex pure and simple. I will bet my life they have been having sex the whole time. Get ready for that. I also agree with LostHeart 2 (the new and improved version ) that he very likely has had many affairs. These “other women” whom you mention are not appropriated relationships at all.

He is a college professor and has always "romanced his students," as he calls it.

This statement is very, very concerning. He is currently being sued by her for sexual harassment. The very first thing the administration will do is look to see if there are any other instances of inappropriate behavior and this seems like a gold mine for that. I believe that your H is, at best, someone with absolutely horrible boundaries. My educated guess is that he is a serial philanderer with some very deep self-esteem issues. But you must realize that you can't fix him. Only he can work to fix himself (if he is willing to recognize that he needs fixing and will do the work to get there.)

So what should you do? First, you need to make life safe for you. Make sure that you have someplace to go should you need to leave. Make sure that you are okay financially if he loses his job due to this lawsuit. Start taking care of yourself first. Get into IC. Take care of yourself physically. Post here for support. ((((Waiting))))

Hi UKGirl <<<waving>>>

"BBL. Off to get a drink."

And no fair teasing me like that. It's still waaaaay to early here!!!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 2:52 PM, December 9th (Tuesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Getting.

I'm feeling numb, relieved, hurt, happy, devastated -- you name it, I've felt it. I know I have a lot more to go through, and am not exactly looking forward to "mucking the stall." However, my WH seems to be really trying to do his part as best as he can right now.

You are on the roller coaster from hell. There will be days when you think everything will be okay and there will be days when you just wish you could die. We just keep putting one foot in front of the next. Obviously, things are a little more difficult for you being separated. First thing I would do is get access to all email accounts he has. Clearly, since you are not near him, he can go underground with new accounts but you can at least monitor his work email.

Have you had him read “Joseph’s letter” in the healing library. That may help him “remember” more (i.e. start spilling the beans). Even though you can’t start MC until you are with him, he can start IC to begin to understand why he had the EA, why he was on dating websites, etc. He needs to start working on himself ASAP.

Sorry it took me so long to respond.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
waitingtodie
♀ Member
Member # 21755
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl and hurtshirley, thanks. You have given me a lot of good advice. I think I will extend my make-no-decision time to 6 months. He keeps telling me we have had wonderful times, too, but it is hard to remember them when I was always wondering where he was or who he was on the phone with. He's in IC (his idea) and says he doesn't want to get his self-esteem from women anymore. I guess we'll see if he can change. I just don't think it's possible. The only reason I'm still around now is that home life is so incredibly important to our kids, ages 21 and 26.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2008
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

Welcome to ALL the newbies. So nice to have some more wonderful people here to join us.

I can't seem to keep up lately with all the holiday events going on. Holiday hell I mean....


have always had the "sunny" outlook. Never imagined that people intentionally set out to do evil (except the murderers, etc). Not general people and certainly not my husband

Can I run with this ^^ and update on my IC today? I argued with her, my IC because she has a strong belief that as BS, during the A we somehow "know" or suspect but can't bring ourselves to think about the possiblity of an A, generally because of fear. I totally disagree. We talked about how I seem to carry my beliefs onto others and see A's as that they just don't happen because other hold onto their vows. And then....certainly not my H because he's MY H, and I trust him and I had very very little to ever suspect. What I did suspect as boundary issues...I blamed on WH & OW working together in a group home ie: WH & OW not feeling strange when he would go downstairs and wake her up, etc. The other reason I never suspected was because of OW's behaviors. WHY on this earth would ANYONE become friends with their affair partner's WIFE? I took that piece of info as well and said nope, never could happen. Anyways...I'm still a bit irritated by that whole conversation.

_________

He has thanked me over and over for creating a safe place for him to be honest.

That sounds really genuine FM.

_________
Welcome waiting. I had to agree with this: and specifically the idea of taking notes- I wish I had because details start to get lost & wondering minds are not a good thing.


Believe nothing until it can be verified, so for now, take notes as you go along (the story will prob change a few times) and keep refueling your inner strength.


As far as the trickle truth- it totally depends. My WH gave me a partial truth after I found pics of them having sex. He went with the "7 month" A. OW actually gave me the entire truth and as far as I know my WH has been honest since then- Maybe because he realized that OW was going to confirm or deny things for me anyways...

Glad to hear that your WH plans on starting IC.

________

Gettingthru- It must be VERY difficult to R long distance. hoping you can be together soon.

_____

25- Aren't we all here so that we can whine to each other sometimes...and we can support each other back up off the floor? Whine away if you need to, please. I've done plenty.

_______

UKG- So good to see you posting! I love to hear from you.

_______

First, let me say that I seriously doubt that they were in bed together, she touched his penis and then nothing else happened. They had sex pure and simple

Yes, I sadly agree as well. If he had already slid that far down the slippery slope, nothing was going to stop them once they got into bed together.

_________

And no fair teasing me like that. It's still waaaaay to early here!!!

Come on now, way too early? LOL

_________

Okay...another small update & question. I'll ask the question first.

What do you all get for apologies? Like how often, how deep & genuine, etc. etc. My IC had mentioned last week that the BS gets to a point of not being able to rehash things and the WS gets to a point of not being able to apologize & re-assure non-stop anymore and my thought was, I don't feel like I get a whole lot of that anyways. I don't remember the last time he apologized. He will answer questions and explain but I'm not sure he's necessarily owning it more than that? Does that make any sense?


The other update I wanted to give is that we had MC today...and while I was talking about my recent triggers- the f'in Christmas tree that I wanted to ignore this year, and how I'm feeling disconnected from WH again- that after the kids go to bed all we do is either watch tv (he watches, I sit and attempt to connect), have sex, or go to sleep....and how I know MC has told me I need to ASK for my needs to be met- but I can't. It's a huge roadblock for me and MC is trying to figure out why. I'm sure many of us here put our needs last. Seems like I can realize that but still do nothing about it.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, all, for your greetings and welcome -- I appreciate it.

Question -- how do I put a "square" around words from another post and add it to my post? I've tried copy and paste, but that doesn't make the cute square effect.

In answer to some of the questions, WH is in IC and started 1 week after d-day #1 (his idea, and he's continued weekly since then). We try to visit back and forth for a 3 or 4-day weekend every few weeks. I do find that my emotions are much more intense when I'm with him -- the ups are really great (especially the HB part) but the downs are horrible. When I'm home alone, I spend a lot of time thinking things through and am able to keep my emotions more on an even keel. I've been journaling, and WH and I e-mail back and forth quite a bit, especially in regards to very touchy subjects and things that we want to edit before saying. We also talk on the phone 2-3 times every day; he's been good about checking in with me frequently.

I do have access to some passwords, but he has a Mac and uses Mac.com, and my PC-based computer doesn't access his account. Also, I have passwords to the cell phone accounts, but he always used his work phone for his A calls, anyway, and could do the same now.

I have no way to check up on him if he were to set up new e-mail accounts or new profiles. He's volunteered to have a key-logger put on his computer, but I figured that if he knew about it, then it wouldn't be effective anyway. He can always find ways around the "verifying" if he wants to. Hell, he kept OW secret for at least 12 years, he's pretty good at hiding things by now.

That's one thing that really bugs me -- after so many years of secrets, I don't see any way for me to ever trust him again. Does this change in time?

Whatnow -- I can say from my perspective that I was totally blindsided. In fact, WH had been especially loving and close the past 2 years while we've been empty nesters. We had romantic weekend getaways, private jokes -- and then I find out that it's all a lie. So no, I don't think that all BS "suspect but deny". Some of us were just too trusting.


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
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