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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all -- have been lurking but not posting since I don't really have advice, and nothing was new here...

UKgirl -- glad the surgery went as expected and you're home again. Hope you're a fast healer! And I hope you love the results!

Hugs to the rest of you. I admit that I'm having a bit of trouble keeping the "losts" straight -- Lost Heart 2, So Lost, Lostsuol -- must be menopause brain

So the news from here is that tomorrow I am finally moving cross-country to be with WH -- we've been living apart due to job/house details since Sept 07. And since both D-days happened during this separation, we haven't really lived together in our "new reality" -- just some weekends.

I honestly don't know whether having this much time on my hands has hastened my recovery or slowed it down. With no kids at home, I certainly have had time to think, read, journal, etc. And we've communicated loads over the phone and e-mail, in addition to the weekends we're together. But I have not yet started IC, and we haven't been in MC yet because we knew I would be moving at some point soon.

I think things are going pretty well so far, partly because WH has been very remorseful, and partly because I don't think I've had as much to deal with as some of the rest of you. So, most times I'm feeling optomistic and even have days where I can go several hours without thinking about the A. Well OK, maybe a few hours, when I'm working and thinking about other things.

One problem is that I'm not sure I've gotten all the truth. Some things don't really add up. I know that many of you are dealing with the same issue. So, how important is it to get it all? And how do you decide when enough is enough?

The other worry is that I haven't really been angry yet. Hurt, sad, defensive -- all yes. But not angry. Do I still have that to look forward to? Any chance I can just slide right thru that without noticing?

Wish me luck -- I'm excited but scared.

And by the way, where did the term "tribe" come from?


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve had the stitches out of my eyelids, which’ll be Monday

Hello Ukg!
Glad you are ok.
But errr...whats with the eyes? I thought you were having your breasts done? :

***
It seems like Vday fever has hit the city.
Everyone in the office were talking, shopping Vday. Argh.

I know H didnt get me anything which is fine. He spent years sorting other peoples wives out telling me that since we were M'd we didnt do that anymore. Of course its OW#1's bday soon after, so I am sure they did a joint celebration. Whatever.
I just feel like such an ass for making it a big deal ever since we met. How they must have laughed. How "special and manly" he must have felt having 2 women (for almost 3 years 3 women ). No wonder he didnt have time for me.

He has been making some spectacular booboos recently. And the funny thing is, even though they sting, I dont get v upset anymore.

2 weeks ago he told me that he had had a waking fantasy about having sex with 3 women at the same time. I had been asleep next to him then. Now i dont mind talking fantasies when we having sex together, but alone... Could he not see how that hurt?

Then last week he did it again. I have put on alot of weight recently and one of the "downsides" is that my breasts have grown alot. He asked me how did I feel having big breasts seeing as I have never had that before. Huh? I only lost my breasts on the infidelity diet. I told him that and he insisted that I have always been small. Then it must have hit us both that he was confusing me with OW#2. I saw that panic in his eye, shook my head and let it go.

It stings and it makes me sad but I am ok. Previously I would have been ranting and venting and arguing and crying etc. Now....just sad.

***

Whoever is going through a tough time this weekend, lets hold on to the thought that this WILL get better, that we are beautiful people and that oneday we will walk with our head held high knowing that we have survived one of the most (if not the most) traumatic events in our lives.

Rock on Tribe!!!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see your here UKG. Hope recovery is speedy!

I have no plans for V-day so if we plan on something- anything works for me. i'm on the east coast

LH2- WTG for you for not getting too triggery after the recent slip ups. I would have been super bothered and probably would have had to ask a bunch of questions! Kudos to you!


Gettingthru- It took me a few months to get angry...and it didnt last very long. Every once in a while I'll get a hit of angry still but I guess its just not part of my personality.

2.5 weeks until D-day antiversary. Wow...can't even go there right now


I'm thinking about buying 2 massages for WH & I for V-day....OR, I am thinking about just buying 1 for me for D-day antiversary hell. Can't decide....


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
beas
♀ New Member
Member # 22354
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone give me advice. I'm about five months beyond d day and i'm having a hard time. The length of time and that he didn't use protection are the hardest part of this for me to handle. How could he have cared so little for my well being. This last week i've been so angry and now i'm just so tired. I don't know if i want to r or d. In the beginning i didn't want to be away from him. We had s every night and he was kind and supportive. Now i have no desire to be touched by him. I think this was triggered by my ob/gyn appt because i had to be tested for std's. It was humiliating. I don't know how to move forward. Why would you reconcile when your ws cared so little for your well being for so long

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: unfamiliar territory
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

Hi Gettingthrutotoday,
I am one of the "Losts" and I get confused too.

Do you think it has been somewhat easier on you both because you werent living together? H used to live away from home and only get in on the weekends. It used to be like a little honeymoon for us each time after dday (HB and the anxiety etc)and I was so loathe to get into anything heavy as he would be leaving soon. I didnt want him to go in a bad mood with bad feelings between us. I didnt want to drive him away. I wanted him to see how great our M could be and most of all, to choose me.
So i sucked it all in, dealt with it on my own during the week and got on.

However, when H began staying home more often some months later, it became easier for me to bring stuff up. I think my S attempt and then dday #2 unleashed much emotion in me and I decided not to play The Nice Guy anymore.

I think,based on the input here, after some time of living together, the anger WILL hit. And that is not a bad thing, GTTD. For some people it hits hard and lasts longer ( ) and for others not so. Maybe it depends on the state of your M prior. Or the way you were treated by your H during the A. Or maybe it unlocks some old traumas in you.

I dont mean to sound negative and I hope like anything that I am wrong..this is based on my own experience and what I have seen here.
I think you have build a safe haven alone there, and it might make you a little vulnerable moving away from that. Do you have any friends/family in the new area? (Well you know you have us!)

I would suggest that once you settle down, that you both invest in good ICs and if you can afford it, an MC too. No, strike that. I think, look for an IC now before you leave, just to get an idea of whats out there. So when you do get there, you would be able to access one easier.

All the best, GTT. A new home. A new life. A new M. Its going to be great!!!

Re our name...I think it went back some time when we describing ourselves like a group of warriors fighting the LTA crap and somehow the collective "Tribe" came about.
In case you missed this at initiation, you get a little bow to wear as well as a Tribal Necklace. We eat well (errr responsibly...no thanks to Weepy's baking) and most of all, we all want to not only survive this mess, but THRIVE after.

BT once posted this line which encapsulates our Tribe so well:

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind

***

Welcome Beas.

The first year is so hard, Sweetie. I promise you..it will get better.
I understand the humiliation of the STD tests. The doc asked me how many lovers I have had in my life, I said only one, my H. And there I was being subjected to this painful episode.

Unfort time will not take away those memories, but the sting will lessen.

How do you move forward?
Well you talk it out with him and here and with your IC and in your journal. Get it all out. You look after yourself (number 1 priority!)by eating, sleeping and excercising well. Take it like you are in a war and need to look out for yourself. And thats your part for now.
The rest is up to your H. He has a major part to play at this stage by being transparent, and willing to enagage. Willing and able to put you first. There some great articles for the WS in the Healing Lib which you can print out for him or you could introduce him to SI w/o showing him this thread.

Hang in there Beas.
You will do your head in trying to make sense of what he did and who he was then. You just can not make sense out of nonsense.
Hope that helps.

***

Hey Whatnow.
Massage for H? Can someone hold her down whilst I flick her ear??
What you meant to say was the massage 1 was for you for today and massage 2 was for you in in 2 weeks, right??

WN,
Re the 2 weeks antiversary, have you and H spoken about it..or are you waiting for him to bring it up and he has gone ostrich on you?
Speak to him, WN.
And if he doesnt get on board, plan to do something for yourself.
Yes, it is just another day and no, its not just another day.
You know what helped me (a litle) was dday marked the end of other people in my M.

Stay strong, Sweetie.

****
Have a good day today, My Tribespeople. Loving yourself is the greatest love of all.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Whatnow.
Massage for H? Can someone hold her down whilst I flick her ear??
What you meant to say was the massage 1 was for you for today and massage 2 was for you in in 2 weeks, right??

WN,
Re the 2 weeks antiversary, have you and H spoken about it..or are you waiting for him to bring it up and he has gone ostrich on you?


You made me LOL LH2!

Well, I think a great gift to romantially celebrate V-day would be massages....and then of course to do something for myself for D-day or my birthday or both, LOL. I don't want to stop myself from doing something for him just because of the A, yk? If I'm feeling up to it ie: massages, I can't see where it would be a bad thing as long as I'm taking care of myself as well. Ya think???


WH knows that I have been dreading this 3-4 week span for months. The v-day, my birthday, the "love letter" and naked pictures last year for their V-day, it was the start of their A 2 years prior, the 3-some event, and then DS's birthday was the last day they had sex last year, and then D-day was the day following. So...I haven't brought it up yet but I know he's anxious about this whole time frame.

DS's birthday & D-day are right in the middle of the week- I could take D-day off from work and send the kids to daycare- maybe have my hair done, buy an outfit or something, lunch with a friend or my sister. It feels like I want to think about what has happened, how that day changed my life forever, how the past year has been, what I've lost, etc. but I haven't been ready to go there yet. The other night was my lowest point in a while and that sucked.

and that he didn't use protection are the hardest part of this for me to handle

My WH didn't use protection from STD's or pregnancy either. It was like during his A he lost all common sense- It didn't happen the first time so he was able to compartmentalize those aspects as well. It still amazes me because my WH & I are such planners...the thought of getting an STD or OW#2 becoming pregnant is shocking for me- even now to type it out makes my brain spin. But, at the same time I relate it to everything else that they can put in a separate box during the A. Remember, the A isn't at all about us. As hard as it is to believe & accept, it just wasn't about us.


Why would you reconcile when your ws cared so little for your well being for so long

I chose to R for numerous reasons. #1 I felt it was my duty to at least try to R to uphold my vows of better or worse...even if he didn't give a shit about the vows. #2. I owed it to my children to attempt to R. #3. I was shocked that my WH wasn't the great man that I "knew" him as. He didn't treat me poorly during the A- I mean ya, we weren't really giving each other much attention or affection...but he wasn't outright abusive. #4- I heard someone on SI say- if you could take the entire A away from the M, would you still want to stay? I did. I hadn't ever thought about D prior to D-day. #5- I believe that he did slide down the slippery slope & got stuck- ya, he wanted sex but he didn't go out looking for it, it fell in his lap....(nice choice of words, eh?) both OW knew that he cared for me and had no plans to leave our M. He truly felt that him having his sex on the side wouldn't be much of a problem. So, while all the sex & emotions, and compartmentalizing hurts so very much...I think he did screw up, I think he is remorseful, and I know he loves me.

Now, if he wasn't willing to work towards a healthy R I would leave. If he breaks NC, I will leave.


Wow, now that I've written a book.....



ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well the day is half gone in my part of the country.

how is everyone doing? I received a card and a dozen roses last night. I found a card in the Hallmark relationship troubles section that spoke for me and gave it to FWH in the morning. He went to work this morning and leaves for 8 days tomorrow so we're doing what we can to be together.

Are we meeting later?


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WN, massage for H..you are a better person than I!

I also think its important to reflect on the past year, the losses and the truimphs (Hey, the ability to smile and still enjoy love in whatever form it comes, to me is a HUGE truimph, after dday). To properly grieve what has been lost and what never was.
You dont even have to pack into one day. Its a process. Follow your heart and do what is right for you.

***
Lostsuol,
Its 18.30 here. H didnt buy me anything but he has given me something thats much much better (ok ladies, get your minds out the gutter!Sheesh. )

He has been kind and attentive and loving. He has come to me several times during the day for a hug and kiss. He has been picking up DIYs left long.
DDs are dancing crazily in front of me to disney theme songs. DS is "allowing" them to rule the lounge and is helping his dad in the kitchen. H is preparing supper (a dish I loved in a restaurant we went in December). My family are laughing and loving and all is right in my world. I am grateful.

***
I just finished Paulo Coelho's The Fifth Mountain.

Some lines that i found inspiring. Maybe it might help you..:

" Everything that could have happened but did not is carried away with the wind and leaves no trace....And there are certain things that the gods oblige us to live through.Their reason for this does not matter, and there is no action we can take to make them pass us by."

""But there are moments in which He wishes to test our will and challenges us to understand His love. We understood that will when Akbar's walls tumbled to the ground: they opened our horizon and allowed each of us to see his capabilities. We stopped thinking about life and chose to live it....
Make whatever decision you wish but never forget one thing:
all of you are much better than you believed.....
Take advantage of the chance that tragedy has given you: not everyone is capable of doing so."

Getting off my soapbox now <<sheepishly>>

[This message edited by Lost Heart2 at 12:47 PM, February 14th (Saturday)]


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had more time today to post a special message to each of you but I did want to drop in and send everyone wishes for a lovely day. I hope no one is triggering, that each of you finds something good to cherish on this day, and that even if our H's don't come through for us in ways we might have needed, that at least they showed us in some way how much they love us and appreciate that we are all still here fighting for our M's and our families.
Love and hugs to all!
A special note to you LH, you're sounding great today and I enjoyed the images of your children dancing and singing for you and your H cooking up that special meal. Life can be good!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah Mr LH2!!!

Good for him doing the DIY and making dinner. I especially like the fact that DS is helping given your "incident" with him last week. Sounds like a wonderful valentine gift from the whole family.

Things are okay here. I was getting all triggery last week. I didn't think it was around Valentine's Day but then I realized it was. I just hate the whole fucking idea of trying to pretend like we are "valentines". Yep, been there done that...didn't work out..not falling for that crock again.

I told H to cancel the hard-to-get reservations. I would rather have dinner with the kids. He has taken them out for the day to give me a break. I just took the dog for a long walk and feel good. Maybe at some point in the future, we can pick a day on which we can honor our rebuilt relationship but Valentine's day just makes me wanna

Oh, we did go out for a really nice dinner on the spur of the moment on Thurs night. The kids were psyched to get us the hell out of the house so they could watch inappropriate television!! And, we had a very nice dinner with no pressure of a "special day".

(((LTA)))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am relatively new, my d-day was 8 weeks ago.....my question is this...has anyone had an experience with the a starting before your relationship...my wh started his ea with ow #1 10 years prior to me.....she is married....he started another ea in 97 with ow #2..she is single....ow #2 and wh turned into a pa in 98....and ow#1 turned into a pa in 99.....both have been there 4 ever...especially #1.....he also was and might still be in love with #1....he says he doesn't but i don't believe that yet or may never....how does one get past this......we have 3 great kids...all teenagers...so ending m is not an option at this time...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe,

I'd like to add to LostHeart's good vibes this Valentine's Day.

My H has bought and is preparing one of my favorite dinners -- a leg of lamb on the grill with mustard and rosemary. (My inner Scotswoman coming out I guess.) It's a special meal because he hates lamb, and yet he took the intiative to go out and buy it and cook it without even being asked. I also got a diamond ring (a little bitty, not expensive one, but one I really like, and a political movie I've been wanting to see. And I got him a few things as well,)

It's been a long time since d-day for us, but this is the first year there is not a single bit of triggering or sadness. All there is is love and a sense of being truly "together" with someone I feel I really know and love. And like.

Our story was a very bad one. Betrayal almost from day one. And yet, here we are.

I just wanted you all to know that it can happen. And even if it doesn't, that you can find your own way to happiness. All is possible.

Happy Valentines Day my friends. Believe.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been working all day but will be home in an hour. I know he's gotten me a card and something from the Hallmark- probably a boyd's bear because that's the standby gift.

Anyways...I'm triggering here & there but trying to push it away so I can enjoy the evening. We had a great evening last night....almost like HB.

Tomorrow we'll give the kiddos their small gifts, and go out to eat with the kids. Next weekend is our semi V-day/birthday celebration. We have no plans right now...blah.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((iwantamiracle))

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. I am sure it will be very quiet in here tonight but I wanted to let you know you were heard.

The answer to your question is unfortunately: yes. Several members have OW who preceded them in the relationship with their H. UKgirl, who is recovering from surgery, might be a tremendous source of help for you when she is better. You are so close to dday that is rough as well.

I have to run as I took a minute before the sushi arrives I LOVE SUSHI and we are having AT HOME (not is some godforsaken pink fucking restaurant full of roses and gaping couples) with the kids

BT - Enjoy the lamb. I do a mean leg of lamb and my rosemary baby potatoes are to die for. Back to my wine...


Happy Day for YOU tribe!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this works...

The day has been good. I have had a few "A thoughts" but I'm OK- no meltdown like this time last year. I'm proud of myself as wkend days alone are hard. {{{WN28}}}

I think we both wanted the day together but he had work to do for his trip tomorrow. FWH is being affectionate and will be making us steaks for dinner. I'll do the veggies & dessert. Then we'll see about some HB <GriN>

Newbies... listen to BT. She is wise and loving beyond her words. {{{BT}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I officially had my wort Valentine's Day ever.

I am almost embarrassed to write about it.

We had to take daughter to acting class in the morning, so all four of us go. Two hour wait. Half way through I as H about lunch. Where should we go? He says I don't know and that ends the conversation.

Get in the car an hour later and I ask again, where are we going for lunch. I don't know. I say, well, that is why I wanted to talk about this an hour again. He says I should have asked him again in the building. I say, So it's my fault I didn't beg you to have a conversation with me? Puleez. Ask the kids and they say McDonald's. Fabulous.

SO we go to McDonald's. We are both now in bad moods. I ask how much happy meals are, he tells me. I say no, I thought they were cheaper. I can't find them on the sign so I ask. He (very irritated) points to it. I said you don't have to be like that about it. He said then why didn't you just believe me. Because I want to look at it myself and see if I want to pay for the bigger one for son who eats more.

I told him he didn't need ot be the biggest jerk in the world about it. He told me to shut the fuck up.

I was floored by that. no one has ever, ever spoken to me that way.

I turned around and walked out. He turns to the kids and says we're leaving b/c your mother is an idiot.

No one has ever spoken that way to my kids.

In his five year midlife crisis-let-me-put-my-family-through-hell-and-back years when the kids tol dme daily that daddy was mean, I never said a bad word against him. And he does that??

We left. Got close to home and he pulled in to a Taco Bell. I said no, I am taking the kids out after we go home.

SO we get home, I grab my mom's bday gift adn I take the kids out to lunch. He was at work by the time we got back.

He never called to say goodnight to them. He came home 10 minutes late (huge deal that you have to call if you are late) adn came upstairs and said "I am home." and walked out. We have not spoken since. He is still sleeping.

I am just at a loss. I know the problem. He switched from zoloft to cymbalta and then that ran out and he is so apathetic about everything that he never got it refilled. So he is taking his left over zoloft. The cymbalta was working. He blames all that on the fact that they never called him to make an appointment, they never called to confirm it once it was made, blah blah. His IC made an appointment for him but not for over a month. He called and left a meg to get a poss prescription but they never called back...so clearly it is their fault. Never would occur to him to make another call.

I am rambling. I just don't know where to go from here.

I don't know if you all are spiritual or not. I am. At church this morning I asked God to please talk to me. Help me to know The priest talked a lot about pleasing God here on earth adn doing so by forgiving those who don't really deserve to be forgive, loving our spouses even during hard times b/c we know God allowed us to be together and will make it all right in the end. So it did speak to me.

i really just wish God would send me an email or something with explicit directions. I need some concrete info. lol

Sorry for the ramble.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Solost)))))

My H and I have a well documented history of bad behaviour (him since forever and me since dday#2 )

I know how bad you must be feeling. You know that both of you did not handle that properly and that hurts as well. I think for now, try to stay sane by just being with the kids and staying out of his way.
Do not engage. Do not try to rationalise this or excuse his behaviour. Once the adrenalin has stopped pumping and some kind of sanity has been restored, maybe then one of the wiser ones here can help you on the next step. For now, disengage. Protect yourself.And most importantly, try to make your babies feel safe.

Big big hugs, SoL.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Iwantamiracle.
H was the SOM in an EA (he still denies PA) which began about 2 years before he and I even got together and lasted until dday#2, so for my whole M and then some.
In fact he admitted that he used me to get over her and to get to her (whichever).I was their pawn.

OW #2 came in for 2.5 years (PA/EA)till dday#1. Thats the one he said he loved and would have left us for. The way I see it, he never was with us in the first place.

Iwant, what can I tell you? Its a hard road hereon. Some days, esp in the first year, I was so filled with pain and despair, I could see no way out of this hell.

However, here I am today (dday#2 2 year antiversary was last Nov). I cant recognise us today from us 2 years ago. We have a healthier relationship now then we ever had. We have a long long way to go. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it wont. All I ask is that I have the strength of mind and heart to make that call at the right time. I have 3 children (12,8&7) and we owe it to them to try. We owe it to ourselves to be in the M BY OURSELVES and try to make it work.
I wish I could have done things differently post dday. However there have been some moments I am quite proud of.

There are absolutely no guarantees in life. All we have is now, this present time.

Iwant, these early day are so so raw and intense. Try not to see the big future picture just yet. Just take it one day at a time.
(((((Iwantamiracle)))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if any of you are going through this.
My original dday was Aug of 2007. Things were going good in R then in Feb of 08 he broke NC. Again, he apologized, said they just said good bye since it had ended so badly on dday. Ok, I got past it and continued R. July of 08, I found out he tried contacting her again, only this this time she rejected him. I found an email he sent her right after, telling her that all he wanted to was to love her and to be with her, (even though he was staying with me.) Again, same ole thing, he apologizes, says its me he loves. He even call for a MC appt. Yet, I cant get over it. I guess im only 6mos out of dday. I feel like he pacifies me by telling me what I want to hear, sends me flowers on Valentines but I cant help but feel betrayed. When it comes to sex, I initiate it. After the first dday we both cried, he acted so remorsful, he gave me jewelery for Christmas, surprised w/ a romantic getaway for Valentines (2008). Yet he still contated her. What do I do?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if any of you are going through this.
My original dday was Aug of 2007. Things were going good in R then in Feb of 08 he broke NC. Again, he apologized, said they just said good bye since it had ended so badly on dday. Ok, I got past it and continued R. July of 08, I found out he tried contacting her again, only this this time she rejected him. I found an email he sent her right after, telling her that all he wanted to was to love her and to be with her, (even though he was staying with me.) Again, same ole thing, he apologizes, says its me he loves. He even call for a MC appt. Yet, I cant get over it. I guess im only 6mos out of dday. I feel like he pacifies me by telling me what I want to hear, sends me flowers on Valentines but I cant help but feel betrayed. When it comes to sex, I initiate it. After the first dday we both cried, he acted so remorsful, he gave me jewelery for Christmas, surprised w/ a romantic getaway for Valentines (2008). Yet he still contated her. What do I do?


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
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