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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ukg!

I cannot imagine being able to compartmentalise to that degree and was really shocked at his ability to do that. He never, ever thought about the consequences of his affair – it was too dreadful. I have to say, it left me speechless.

I know.
How do they do it?
However, my H did say that he knew that once it was out, that the M was over and he would be more or less cut out of the kids' lives. No nig deal. I dont think he would be so nonchalant about them now. It just shows me how disconnected he was from us. Sad huh?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello tribe.

UKG- I need to request the 4th off which is antiversary. I spoke to WH about it the other night and he said he wanted to assist me in doing whatever I needed that day. I will be sending the kids to daycare- hope to schedule a massage, maybe go shopping for an outfit, and out to lunch with a friend, and maybe a haircut. Sounds like fun, eh?

I'm not sure about my birthday yet. my dad will be taking the kiddos for an overnight- we're debating on getting a hotel room or just coming home. We really have no plans yet- I'm undecided about going out dancing...maybe just dinner & a movie even though that's pretty typical for when the kiddos are away.
Wow...I just had a flashback to last year- I had wanted to have a game night instead of our bi-weekly poker game- So we played phase 10 for my choice and it was a horrid night. WH got overly drunk, couldn't focus on the game so it ended up lasting WAY too long, OW#2 never used to mind when he got drunk & annoying as hell because you know, she had to be nice & go along with everything when I would get pissy, yk... I just remember being pissed off, miserable, had expected the night to be "for me" yet it wasn't....as usual. Sorry. I was thinking about ideas for what to do and thought about inviting people over & got sucked into a memory.

This is stressful....too many plans going on. I also have DS's birthday on the 3rd....still haven't planned that yet either. Wow, I'm slacking.

___________

How do they do it?
However, my H did say that he knew that once it was out, that the M was over

My WH was sure I would leave the M as well....but never allowed himself to really process what that would entail ie: being without the kids, D, losing our house, etc. etc. Purely amazing.


____________

My IC ended up being cancelled today because she had an emergent DR's appointment.

MC was really productive though- We talked about WH's obsessiveness, pessimism, perfectionistic nature, need to always over achieve, over perform, be good at everything, catastrophizing...and WH knows he does this and can see how it's hurting our M and family. He wants to work on it and we talked about WH using me as a strength in this area because I'm the opposite- laid back, relaxed, realistic, and optomistic.

Anyways...it's just nice to hear WH admit that there's some issues going on, see how much each little issue affected/affects our M and be able to improve on those things.

We seem to have largely moved away from A stuff now, which is nice & I don't feel the need to obsess about it (right now). LOL. I'm hoping it doesn't come crashing down too much around D-day.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
fadingmemories
♀ Member
Member # 20531
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want to hop on and thank you all for the well wishes... still coming back to earth from it all.
UKG heal well! Do we get to see a before and after shot???....well maybe not of everything!


Me BS
Him FWS
Married 25 Years  Together 31
LTA 12 years
DDay 4/11/08
R 2/14/09
"No matter if you think you can or you can't...either way you are right"
Scars do not form on the dying...
only on the survivors.



Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: North East
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do not know where to begin.....last night was yet more revelations....d-day was on dec 19...and has not stopped....it has been a really long long day.....bottom line....my wh met ow#1 prior to me...she was interested in him, he was not....she gets married to another guy.....by 1984 my wh and ow#1 are screwing....he meetes me in 86...we had an enormous amount of sex...but he was still screwing #1 and never stopped until dec 19, 2008...they had some breaks, sickness, babies, our honeymoon, and he claims that they just could not get it together this past year...previously it had been 3-4 times a year for sex otherwise ea......during one of their breaks along comes ow#2 in 97...started as an ea by 98 it was a pa...she was single so she was weekely...and get this her job was a lawyer in marital relations, by 03 she became a judge in domestic abuse...the irony.....so the wh finally admits to all by method of intense interrogation......then today he is still lying about small stupid stuff.....i will not stay with a liar....i am trying to make a decision not based on emotion......which under the circumstances is really rough......

if he can't come clean and never had any intention of coming clean that would mean he intends on staying a liar.....he claims i have all info...a few things still don't add up though

oh and there were definitely 2 more women that he tried for sex, they were not interested and of course this was during some down time....

there was so much emotional abuse over the years because of his parents and i put up with it all for this major devastation........

when do u know that r will not be possible.......i have 3 kids all teens one who really needs a stable enviroment because he has school issues..mostly because of his own lying....

i feel like i am in a no win situation.....

either we r or live as roommates with a charade of a marriage.....after all wasn't already in a charade of a marriage...i just didn't realize how much of charade til now.

any words of advice...i will also post this under just found out.


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle --

don't know how much of the Healing Library you've been able to read, but it sounds to me like you need to really read up on the 180 -- a way to take care of yourself, and hopefully remove yourself from the worst of the stresses and emotions of what's going on right now. It's meant as a way to keep your head above water. There are usually good threads in the Just Found Out forum, too.

How has he been acting? Is he at all remorseful?

(((iwantamiracle)))


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Miracle))), there have been years of covering up and lying. It is quite possible he doesn’t remember it all (not all in one go, anyway) and has buried large amounts. Step back, take a breath and get thee into IC.

This was another life, an under life, a dark secret, a mean and destructive side to his personality. He kept it hidden from you and for very good reason. He will have wrapped it up, rationalised it, justified it, whatever. This is all out in the open and it is not very pretty. He is not being seen in a good light – the mirror the OW’s held up has been smashed and he has to look at who he is – maybe for the first time in his life. Initially, this has to be about you. Take care of yourself first and foremost. There will be revelations (I had a whole year and then more after meeting MOW’s BH 2yrs after dday) on a regular basis. Deal with each one as it comes along and expect more.

There are several of us here who feel we have been in a sham of a marriage. That we have been deluded and lied to from the day we walked up the aisle and made a commitment that turned out to be one sided.

Are you in MC and/or IC? Is your H remorseful? Has he absolutely gone NC with both OW’s? Do their respective partners know? Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to? Have you seen your doctor?

You could cut and run. We all have our reasons for bowing out or staying on the stage. For me, I just wanted to know why. That and we had seen several friends going through separation and divorce and I knew it would be at least a year of shit, so I thought I might as well use that year to try on my marriage – but only if it was what my FWH truly wanted. It has been extremely painful at times.

We can help you through each crisis and hold your hand while giving you advice. All is not lost.

And a few threads in JFO by SerJR, which are worth a read if you haven’t already.
10 tough questions: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=1968111
Tactical primer: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
Setting healthy boundaries: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Hugs. UKg


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Miracle))) So much for you to process. Seriously, slowly start reading and take one day at a time. No big decisions just yet. Just take care of yourself adn talk talk talk. It does help.

I thought about this one - October 28th. Two days before FWH’s b’day , St Jude’s day. Patron saint of lost causes!


That's my dday

UKGirl, you sound GOOD! I hope the healing continues. Be careful, it's that boredom from getting better that makes you do too much and regret it. Just bathe in the leasure of it all!!

IC today. It has been a long time. I don't want to go but I do want to go. I think the heavens knew that...they called 3 times to confirm my appointment! lol

I did not send the email. H and I got in a fight (he did end up apologizing and I let him have it...all too familiar of a cycle). Anyway, us not talking made me think. And ten previously us not talking made me think. I would have rather he say mean nasty things and have it out then just not talk to me. SO that is what we are doing to her. I desperately want her to know that we got the email adn that he showed it to me and such....but it doesn't matter. It is better that she is wondering.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKg... you sound so good! Yes, yellow is good. I remember that from the TMJ jaw surgery I had years ago. Hmmm... maybe I should go see the surgeon who did that about my eyes. Something to think about when I win the lottery!

I cannot imagine being able to compartmentalise to that degree and was really shocked at his ability to do that. He never, ever thought about the consequences of his affair – it was too dreadful.
This describes FWH and I to a 'T'. So now we are living the consequences... mostly with me having to deal with his choices and wondering "WHY?" as he has no answers still. Just past 2nd yr anti-versary and I am not in a good place. If I let myself feel good, it doesn't take long before I suffer a setback that sends me back in time to Dday and all the pain rushes back, searing my heart and filling me with doubt that he will ever truly know what he has done - the extent of his betrayal and ability to compartmentalize, even now.

Miracle... UKg has given you much good advice. She knows of what she writes.

Fading... I wrote in F&G but want to say again. Thanks for sharing with us. I'm so envious of Mr.FM's stepping up and arranging such a wonderful experience for the two of you.

Newbies... no intent to ignore you. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. But you have found an amazing place for support.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are several of us here who feel we have been in a sham of a marriage. That we have been deluded and lied to from the day we walked up the aisle and made a commitment that turned out to be one sided.

Indeed. My xW began her EA 8-9 months before our wedding, and the PA started 6 weeks before the big day, so there are several of us who have been in your situation Miracle.

Hang in there and do indeed read Ser's posts. He's incredibly insightful.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Miracle.

How are you doing today?
Can I suggest that you make some notes of his revelations? This information will change as time goes and its easy to get confused.

Hope you are taking care fo yourself. I know it doesnt seem like it now, but this WILL get better oneday. It wont always be like this. Just take one day at a time, follow the advise you have been given and hold onto some faith.

(((Miracle)))

****
WN, how do you feel with IC cancelling? Maybe its just me but I sure miss my sessions. I kinda store all my angst for that hour as there is noone IRL to talk to.

****

SoLost, sometimes its better, IMHO, to not have the mean horrible stuff said and to have some quiet time. Cos mostimes, that mean horrible stuff just adds to the pain, KWIM?

Re the email - what do you want to do about it?
Either way, you have to live with consequences,so make sure you do what YOU want.

***

Hi lostsuol.

If I let myself feel good, it doesn't take long before I suffer a setback that sends me back in time to Dday and all the pain rushes back, searing my heart and filling me with doubt that he will ever truly know what he has done


I understand your fear but someone here once told me that I will have to let that fear go, and not to stop myself from enjoying my life. So now I try to enjoy what good I encounter now. Yes there will be setbacks and triggers but darnit! I am not going to let them take away any more from me.

***

Speaking of triggers, I started choking up on the way to work today. First it seemed like the heavens (radio djs )were conspiring against me cos every station I tuned into, had a trigger song. Finally I got Duran Duran's Ordinary World and teared up on that. I remember hearing it after dday and found it so apt. Yes, I could have changed the channel (yet again)but thought maybe "somebody" wants me to feel this, so I went with it, allowed myself those few minutes of grief and then let it go. And felt a little better.

-----

"Ordinary World"

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world


****

((((((Tribe)))))))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you one and all, it really does help and i feel the support.....we are in mc...he is currently in ic, not i,....he is very remorseful except for the fact that he still lies, denys and gets in my face and doesn't back off....he makes me insane...how my kids have not caught on is beyond me...and i really do not want to hurt them that way...

as far the ow#1 husband...no right now i choose not to contact him...however i already wrote to her that i would if she contacted my husband in any way.....

the amount of info that i've had to process is certainly overwhelming....

i have been to the dr....i had very bad attack of stress induced vertigo....but its getting better now...was tested for std's....all neg....

somedays i take it one minute at a time......

i feel so "CHEATED" LOL so SAD but true.......this april we will be married 20 years, together for 23...and ow#1 has been there for 30 yrs...and f..king him for 25 years...they cheated myself and her husband.....

he intended to never stop.....so he would have grown old with both of us...

i take turns calling him...william walker (from the show brothers and sister) and bill clinton who never had sexual realtions with "that" woman.....

i have so much anger.......

thank you all for listening to my rants....

i truly appreciate all the hugs......this site is becoming a safe place to fall....thanks again


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Miracle))))))

You WERE cheated. Betrayed.
By the person who should have had your back through all those years.

Can I suggest that you find yourself an IC to help you cope with this trauma? To be honest, I dont think MC is such a great idea at this time....maybe in a few months...but thats just my experience. I would rather that money be put into support for you.

Miracle,
Can I ask why you have decided not to tell OWH? His life has been a sham too....he deserves to know the truth too.
However, I can appreciate that you have alot on your plate right now, and the ONLY priority on both yours and your H's agenda should be YOU. Period.

****

Weepy, how are you?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry SoL for making light of St Jude’s day when it’s your actual dday. It just seemed the most apt date in the calendar.
St. Jude Thaddeus is invoked in desperate situations because his New Testament letter stresses that the faithful should persevere in the environment of harsh, difficult circumstances, just as their forefathers had done before them. Therefore, he is the patron saint of desperate cases. (The epithet is also commonly rendered as "patron saint of lost causes".)
I found this on Wikipedia. I guess it really means that however desperate things get, you have to hang on in there. And I would say we all had our dday desperate moment and we are all hanging in there, so maybe St Jude should be our saint as a sort of figurehead. I’m not religious, so hope this suggestion doesn’t offend anyone, just throwing it in the ring by thinking out loud. I think I’m going to keep that date at the back of my mind anyway, as an possible date for a private renewing vows, commitment ceremony or something. Hmm.

And SoL, I think it is best OW is kept wondering. Ignoring her is the most hurtful thing you can do, as if she is not worth wasting your time or energy on. Which, btw, she isn’t!

lostsuol,

If I let myself feel good, it doesn't take long before I suffer a setback that sends me back in time to Dday and all the pain rushes back

I think this has to do with the fear that letting it go means it is forgiven and forgotten. I too am finding that middle path hard to find where I am able to forgive myself, step out on my own path and strike a certain independence from H which makes me feel less fearful of being alone. I know he needs me more than I need him and probably always had. Another fear was that if I threw him out on or soon after dday, he would simply have gone to OW as a Plan B.

Oh, LostH, I hate those fucking trigger tracks!!! I am going through a phase of turning off or over or walking out. Trouble is, my list is veeeerrry long!

Miracle, it’s okay hon. You were cheated, so don’t just say you feel you were. And the effects of this devastation can be odd. Ones for me that come to mind; 2wks after dday, getting the morning shakes like morning sickness. 6wks or so after day I noticed deep grooves across my fingernails, as if I had trapped them in a doorjamb. A few months after dday, my hairdresser asked me if I had been seriously ill because my hair condition was so bad. And then it began to fall out, but not noticeable to anyone but me. 5mths after dday, extensive dental treatment which I put down to throwing up for days on end, the acid eroding my teeth. So vertigo I can quite understand. And all I can say is observe it, check it, ride with it and know it will pass. And so will the anger. Feel free to vent. We don't mind. It has been like a tornado in here at times!!!

As for telling OW’s BH, that’s very personal thing. I told MOW’s BH 17mths after dday. Turned out he didn’t know after all. But I said in my letter that I would feel doubly betrayed if he had known and chosen to let me carry on living with the lie of infidelity. And it turned out he was nothing like he had been painted – he was extremely nice, not “old” and he was not bad looking. But you have enough to deal with right now. You may feel differently in weeks to come. I was helped a lot here with my letter to the BH, got it down to one page and took out all the emotion. It was a good letter.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, February 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi all,

i am doing a little better today...keeping some distance and for now have decided to back off my intense investigations.......

the reason i chose to not tell the ow bh is a simple one....i do not want to be responsible for his impending devastation....i did write to her and tell her that "right now" i chose not to tell him...but that would change immediately if she contacted my wh.......

i need to think and process before i make ANY BIG decisions with anyone life......the ow and her bh have a teenage son....and again this would devastate him as well....i know they chose the behavior therefore the consequences but i would have to live with it.....and until i am ready to "live" with it i am doing nothing...unless of course she breaks the rule....

i still can't quite comprehend all that he has done and all that he has lied about....i keep flashing back to intance and wonder where these ow were during them????????????the questions come a mile a minute.....and because so much time has transpired i believe i will never have all the answers...again i will have to "live" with this if i choose to r.....

i just keep going back to our beginning...we were having sex pretty much daily...and we were so happy at least i thought we were.....that and he loved her...and all the LIES........sorry i'm starting a rant again...

thank you all


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i just keep going back to our beginning...we were having sex pretty much daily...and we were so happy at least i thought we were.....that and he loved her...and all the LIES........sorry i'm starting a rant again...

Oh Sweetie. I know.

((((((((Miracle))))))))

Re OWH.....like I said before, your ONLY priority at this time, is YOU. I was shellshocked for a few months,errr actually a whole year ( ) and I regret not making myself a priority.

You are doing fine, Miracle. Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
I know we say this alot here but its true:
1. Eat, sleep and excercise when you can. Try hard to give yourself some respite from all this, at least an hour every day. Force yourself to think of other stuff. Blast the music loud and sing to it. Go for walks. Talk to girlfriends about anything but this.

2. Just know that this WILL get better. Not necesarily the M or H..but you.You WILL get better.

Loads of big big hugs.


LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

another day and they are all the same....pain.....

today we had some inlaw issues to deal with....they are truly a pair of as my daughter would "bad" people.....wh handled it o.k.....but when it comes to me.......i just don't know.....he claims he does not love her anymore but he can't tell me why in a way that i cuold believe......he is still trying to recant things he's already admitted to while claiming to be remorseful.....i really cannot understand why...all i want to do is scream WHY....WHY....WHY!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Miracle)))))))

I wish I had something helpful to say to you. Just hang on, Sweetie.
Are you keeping a record of his disclosures. I am betting his "facts" will change a few times, as he slowly peels the layers of deceit away. Miracle, I doubt he is doing this to hurt you. It IS hard for him as well to lift that rock and take his uglies out into the sun. It can drive you crazy not knowing what to believe. For now, really, dont believe anything unless you can verify it yourself.

It is so difficult keeping a public face through all of this, and even more challenging, is being cordial to people you dont even like. What of the gifts I allowed myself after dday#2, was to lose the obligation to be dutiful and obedient to my IL's.

This is an extremely stressful time for you (understatement).Surround yourself with positive people, people who bring some light and true joy into your life. And if the ones from the dark side HAVE to come in, get your H to run interference.

Take care.


***
I went to the movies with my sister last night. She is a chickflick gal and I thought I was ready too, so agreed to see "Hes not that into you".
Big ouch.
I teared many times when the audience was laughing. Infidelity is not funny. WHs lying through their teeth are not funny. BSs feeling bad and acting crazy for being suspicious are not funny.
However, it did show me something. my H was never INTO me, at all from the beginning...and the signs were all there.

So I came home in a sad mood and when he asked me how the movie was and I told him, "Triggerladen", he said "I'm sorry.", and hugged me.
A little later, he told me to stay in my room as he had a surprise for me. I was (after all its not my bday, Mothers day etc) and then I am ashamed to say, immediately on guard and suspicious.

The girls came in bearing an envelope they had decorated. In it was a gift care for an pampering day and any "experience" (cookery, colour analysis, etc).
Whaa....

I am still a bit dumbfounded. He said that he saw it on special and thought it would be nice to get for me...no reason.
Huh...who would have thunk?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle and other newbies,

In case you missed this link, please check out Katherine's 20/20 hindsight list. Awesome.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, with LTA’s they just carry on because they don’t know how to get out. While nothing is rocking the boat, they just carry on putting off the inevitable day so they can continue with their life as it is. There is a real fear that exposure of their infidelity will result in divorce from the one they really love and they don’t want that, so they just carry on in this sort of Catch22 situation, they are stuck in a cleft stick and the more they struggle, the tighter the fit, so they just try to make their life as easy as possible. And, of course, they don’t want to think about it too deeply because then they would have to deal with it, so they ride along telling themselves that you will never find out. If your H loved the OW, he would have gone. And that’s a certainty once you had found out. But the LAST thing he wanted was to lose you. What he has done is incomprehensible to you. On Dday, my FWH said he realised it was me he loved, my response was if you love someone, you don’t go and fuck someone else – period. If you love someone, you don’t do the one thing that is almost guaranteed to result in divorce and lose them forever. If you love someone, you don’t want to turn their love for you into hate, contempt, disrespect and disgust.

When I asked my H how he felt about MOW/ex-fiancee now, he went through this range: sad, sorry for her, hoping she would stay with her H, don’t know, indifferent, nothing, never think about her. Within 5 or 6 months he was saying he never thought about her unless I brought the subject up. This was a woman he had known for nearly thirty years, and intimate with for nine of them and yet she didn’t enter his head any more He said he thought he loved her at one point, but even then it never occurred to him to leave me. I know - WTF? He said he felt compelled to see her, it became an obsession because he was looking for “something of substance to renew” and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t find it, which made him search all the more for a while. All airy-fairy crap, but I guess there was some truth in it. And then he was stuck in it and couldn’t see a way out.

Make it very clear that your FWH is to deal with his parents if you are having trouble coping with them. Try to keep things on a superficial level and go through the motions of getting through each day, hour by hour. Make sure you eat well, take exercise, get fresh air. If you are losing weight, eat little and often, making the use of nutritious snacks. Let your H help you. It’s a dreadful irony that the perpetrator of your heartache also has the ability to help you heal, so lean on him.

LostH – that was a lovely gift for you. Sounds like your H is “into” you more than you realise! He’s been doing pretty well lately, so I’d like to say way to go Mr LH2!

Meanwhile, I’m still all bruised up on one side. And having seen a split second on 10yrs Younger with the surgeon inserting a palette knife into the woman’s face for her face lift, I’m not surprised I’m swollen and blue! I had the breast stitches out yesterday, which makes things more comfortable, although the consultant said I have to wear the compression bra 24/7 until he sees me at the 6wk check. There seems to be the end of a stitch under my eye which I noticed today, so I’ll have to ring on Mon about that. And I finally got to wash my hair after 10days – what a relief! H keeps saying “Aren’t you pleased?” Right now? Not really. I have to keep telling myself I didn’t do this because he had an affair. It was nothing to do with how MOW or I looked, I know that. And there was the chance (still is, I suppose) that this could go wrong or will not give me the confidence in my own skin that has been lacking since dday. Maybe when I can go out (getting a bit stir-crazy) I’ll feel a bit better. And get back into the gym, which has been banned until the 6wk check.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 21st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK, glad to hear that you're healing.

Lost, what a nice thing for Mr. Lost to do.

Welcome to all the newbies. I am sorry you are here, but glad you have found this place of healing. It will get better eventually.


D-day 7/29/04.

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