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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations LostSuol!!!

****

I donít think I am the right person for my H to be with. Maybe heís not the right person for me either

Ukg, one of the first things my IC warned me about was that I WILL end up stronger BUT I will also find that I dont need/want H anymore..that I had outgrown him. That was gamble right from the onset.

Speak to your IC about it.She may be a better judge.

Miracle, am in a hurry but will be able to answer any qestions later?
Very quickly,EMDR is a type of psychotherapy used to resolve past traumas.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello friends,

I've been absent for a while -- first Mardi Gras then taking son to look at colleges then a week's worth of mid-terms/papers for me and culminating in an exasperatingly disgusting cold that has slowed me way down.

I have checked in from time to time, but not well enough to know where anyone is emotionally or offer advice. But I did see that we have a first grandbaby to celebrate, and that has prompted me to put down my Kleenex and pick out a congratulations. I can only imagine how wonderful it is to be a grandma. Soak up every second of it.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, March 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being a Gramma is a wonderful feeling. Spoiling is in progress! along with diaper and laundry duty, pacing the nursery floor and lots of loving, of course... many Kodak moments happening. PM me if you want to see cuz I don't have pix on any online photo albums yet. Grampa can't wait to see Lucas in person. He'll be here Mon the 23 (baby's due date). We are probably here until Easter.

{{{LTA}}} for those who post and those that don't!

Time to get back to 'real life'... Thanks for the good wishes. <VBGriN>


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsoul - a hearty congratulations. I can almost *feel* you smiling in your words. What a wonderful thing for you and your family.

I am copying over a post from a thread in general by AmICrazy about the little things that your WS does (or in some cases does not) do for you. As I was reading the posts and then writing my own, it made me realize what an effort my H is making. I know this can't be easy for him. I know it sucks royally for me but he is sticking it out and making the effort and for that....he gets to stay.


This is one of the areas that I can see a completely change in my H (which give me some hope). Prior to dday no matter how much I asked (nagged according to him) he would not help around the house or the yard (yes! I mowed the lawn and kept up the not-so-small garden). Worse, he would do the passive agressive thing which was to agree to do it, then not do it and then get all pissy when I just went ahead and did it anyway!
It got to the point where after I stopped working full-time (and making about 5x as much as he did) and I was at home, I just stopped asking and he did less and less.

After dday and being sent away, he seems so grateful to me given a chance that he does so many things completely on his own. He empties the dishwasher, he does laundry, he fills my car with gas, he tidies up the house after I go to bed at night, he helps the girls with their homework, he helps them clean up after dinner, he buys me wine (smart boy! ), etc, etc. He is making an effort to meet my simple needs because he KNOWS that he can't meet my emotional needs right now because I won't let him in. But, he is trying and I can see that. For that, he gets to stay.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BT.
I was thinking of putting out a APB on you.
Hope your nasty cold gets gone quick.
Poor physical health does it takes on us emotionally (and vice versa).

Glad you are back.

***

LostSuol,
I can also picture you beaming over your GDS. What a wonderful feeling that must be (hopefully not something I will experience for a long time! ).

***

Shirley,
It sounds like you have turned a corner. Yippee!!!
I am so pleased for both of you.

***
On my side, things are running a little low. He has started slacking up in almost everything and it reminds me of his extreme PA days of before...you know the promising to do some thing, then not, then getting annoyed when I remind him/get annoyed.

It feels like he is giving up on us/himself.
The only bright spot in his life is his new blackberry.

We had an ugly fight the other day.We both said some nasty stuff to each other...quick and brutal and over in 10 minutes.

I went upstairs fuming at him then myself, as I know I let myself down when I get like that; I just prove what he thinks of me; I justify his feelings towards me.

That night I dreamt that he was interviewing men to be my husband. When I told him my dream, he said that was my wanting him to give me permission to end this M.
I think it was me feeling like he wants to give me up and was trying to get rid of me "kindly".

Sigh.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol, a hello and welcome to the world, Lucas. A little therapeutic bundle of joy. Give him some hugs and kisses from me.

Hi BT. sounds like a busy, busy time for you. But I bet Mardi Gras and the moseying round colleges was good. UKg method of dealing with a cold. Firstly, blow nose and snort up some Vicks decongestant. Secondly, hot toddy to be taken in bed: 2xtsp runny honey, juice of a lemon or lime, tot of whisky and add boiling water. Drink as hot as poss. Slide down and sleep like a baby til morning. Works for me every time!

Shirley, pretty much the same here about meeting needs. During the A, H was aware when I pointed things out to him, but he just made less and less effort. If I asked him to do something for a second time, Iíd get the huffy ďdonít nagĒ. So I ended up not bothering to ask. Another thing was heíd fall asleep on the sofa in the evening. Okay, so we all do that. Iíd try to stir him and heíd say yes, okay. Iíd clear up around him, put the dog to bed and give her biscuits, fill the dishwasher, all the usual and then wake him to tell him to go to bed and heíd get pissy with me, saying stop nagging or leave me alone or Iíll go to bed when Iím ready. So Iíd think sod you then and leave him. In the morning he would claim that he would have no recollection of his attitude and apologise. Heís not been like that once since dday. Not once has he told me to piss off. It was all to do with his withdrawal from me and family life.

Now? Heís more attentive in a lot of ways. I think it was a case of he just put himself first all the time, now he doesnít. Weíve reversed the roles, cos I no longer put him first, which I always did. Much of the time (maybe this is a phase), I just donít care.

LostH, I think your Hís reaction to your dream is understandable. Heís in a low spot at the moment and your dream seems to be telling him that he is not coming up to the mark. That you want and deserve something better. He lived so many years giving his attention to the wrong person (himself and OWíS) that he maybe doesnít know how to be towards you. Youíve just simply been there doing everything that needs doing while he was being a pretend single playboy. He is having to recognise you as a person in her own right, with wants and desires and needs and he doesnít know how to address them. He is also having to face up to the person he is, rather than the person he was pretending to be. He doesnít seem to know what he wants and it seems the other way around: he is not trying to get rid of you, he is giving you permission to carry on without him. I guess in a roundabout way, Iím saying he seems to be floundering. But that doesnít mean itís your problem to solve. Sorry, rambled a bit. (((((LostH)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:08 AM, March 14th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still have my own pit Iím unable to get out of. Iím hoping itís just all connected to the surgery, but if not, Iím starting to think I might need a bit of medical assistance.

Still wondering about any previous Aís FWH has had. Knowing how much he lied and minimised means I simply do not believe him. He knows after my fit last weekend that things are NOT resolved. We went shopping yesterday. And by this morning, Iím thinking heís back to his distraction techniques. During the A, heíd be short tempered with me, engineer a row, feel slightly guilty and just in case I should start to wonder if there was an OW or if he was having an A, he would be the Mr Nice Guy, the Attentive Husband, using his favoured modus operandi to get things back to normal and have me thinking he was just stressed. And one of those things would be to buy me something on impulse (I know now it was calculated) while we were out doing ordinary shopping.

So yesterday, we went to the mall and I bought an expensive bright multi print shift dress. I would have bought the crocus yellow patent shoes too, except they didnít have my size. So I reserved them at another store. But itís the one thing (other than shagging my H) that MOW loved doing. Shopping with him. Itís one of those things she stole from my life and I wonder just how many times he stood there holding her coat and handbag while she tripped in and out of the fitting rooms, showing him new outfits and him smiling and watching her in just the same way as he has with me? Her acting like his fucking wife. And heís great to take shopping. I got flattered into buying the dress anyhow. Another shopper, her Hís uh-huh approval, the sales assistant and my H all said it looked good. Now I donít want it. I donít want it because he was there when I bought it and because he was doing it to make me feel good and drop the accusation.

But, no proof of the other A. Or the one before that. I think Iíll take the dresss back tomorrow. Meantime, the supermarket needs a visit. I was too wrapped up in the mall wandering yesterday to have time.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 8:10 AM, March 14th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UKg.

Your reaction to the shopping is totally understandable...you have not reached ANY resolution from those documents; he has not even given a passable answer - so you are going to question and double question every action; look for possible clues and hidden messages to help you solve this impasse.

I dont know how to help, I am afraid. I hope one of the wiser ones know some way either out of this deadend or a strategy on how to cope with it.

((((((UKG)))))))

PS. Keep the dress for you. Get those matching shoes and just enjoy looking good!

Just a thought...I know the OW in your sitch was plumpy...speaking from experience, it must have been awful shopping for clothes for her. You must have compared her plumpy self to your slender one every time and knowing how nuts she is, this must have driven totally bonkers!
So try to get that fantasy of happy shopping out of your head.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
feelinginthedark
♀ Member
Member # 10933
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm desperate and would really like to know if anyone on this forum has had a problem with the ow (or OM) coming to your house. Mainly this is probably to save any money on hotels (especiqally if it is long term) and for other reasons (prob my husband would not like to get caught by the other man etc)Somebody must have had this happen o how could the relationship go on so long? i find i strange but would really like to discuss it. (No you cant confront until you get real good evidence) I have audio but not video) A device was just sent to me but i have to send it back it was defective. Yes,i'm working on hings all the times. I'm tired but need to vent etc

Posts: 606 | Registered: Jun 2006
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Feeling

I am confused. Is this what you are saying:
* the A is still on
* in your house
* you have audio proof but not video.

Then have you:
* confronted your H
* confronted the OW?

Why do you need video proof?
Dont you know enough by now, seeing as you have been here since 2006, to make a decision?

Sorry I cant help, Feeling, but I am not sure why you want what you want (more proof via video)?

LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling, if you are sure they are having an A, why do you allow her to stay in your home? I'm confused as well.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling, some questions here too.

Ė are you still with your WS?
Ė how long has this A been going on?
Ė what do you know about OW?
Ė where are you when you suspect she comes to your house?
Ė why havenít you informed her BH?
Ė if you are away when she comes to your house, why havenít you engineered a reason to turn up unexpectedly and catch them inflagrante?

Surely you have enough to go on to present your WH with proof and out the A to everyone (OWís partner, family, WHís family, work colleagues, friends, etc). I donít understand why you are putting up with this when he clearly has not intention of stopping.

But, if I was in your sort of situation, I think I would have outed him to all and sundry and blatantly asked friends and neighbours (preferably a friend who was a neighbour) to keep an eye on him and take photos of people entering and exiting the property. I think I would also have paid out for a PI to investigate and got the evidence once and for all.
*****
Meanwhile, I decided not to wreck our short weekend as FWH has now gone off to Europe. We stayed in bed until practically midday today. I had said to myself that I wouldnít have sex with him, but ÖÖÖ.. he can be very persuasive. Still had that bitch bounding around in my head though. I asked him what he said to give himself permission to have the affair. He said he never gave himself permission. Riiiiight. I also asked him why he wouldnít tell me about the Aís before MOW. He said thereís nothing to tell b/c there were no other affairs. Hmm. He knows I donít believe him.

It got too late to take the dress back today. Itís def NOT the sort of dress MOW could wear, so maybe I should wait and see how I feel about the shoes on Tues. I couldnít see her wearing those either.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - Just checking in to see how your weekend went. Was your H in a better frame of mind? He really struggles with his depression and if he didn't make me so angry with his treatment of you sometimes, I'd actually feel sorry for him.
Your dream reminded me of an opera my H and I saw a few months back where the king decided he wanted to leave his wife and marry someone else but because he felt bad for his devoted wife he sent one of his "men" on a search for a good man for her. Of course, once he saw this man giving his wife the love and affection that she deserved, he became jealous and realized that he did love his wife and they reconciled. Silly story I know but I think there is some truth to this tale.
I'm betting that your H did not like it one bit when he knew of that guy from work who was coming onto you. Even if he wouldn't admit it to you, I'll bet his insecurities were on alert.
I've noticed my H has become a lot more clingy when other men are talking to me. It's like he's making sure they know that I "belong" to him. It makes me laugh to myself when I see this. Trust me, your H would never let you go. He knows what a good thing he has with you.
UKG - KEEP THE DRESS! AND BUY THOSE SHOES!!! As you know, she could never look as good as I'm sure you do in that dress. It sounds very lovely. You know, sometimes I buy things to "spite" my H and those are the things I enjoy most of all. Once I bought a ring for myself when I was particularly angry with him and it made me feel so much better. Generally, I tend to hold back on spoiling myself with things I want and if you tend to do this too, well, the fact that you splurged on a new, expensive dress, the way I see it, that's progress - so you put that dress on with those snazzy shoes and you strut around knowing you look like a million bucks (or pounds should I say?).
LS - Congrats on the grandson. You are going to love every minute of it. My grandson is a year and a half and each month brings new and exciting developments to enjoy. We are having a blast and he is so full of enthusiasm and curiosity that it brings out the child in me. HS had written another post about ways we cope and for me spending time with my grandson is the perfect way to forget all of the negative stuff that my H's LTA has piled on me. When I'm with him, it's like the rest of the world disappears and nothing else matters but spending precious time with him. Enjoy! BTW, my DIL is due this summer with a girl and I am on cloud nine waiting for her arrival.
HS - You're sounding great these days. It's so good to see how much progress you've made and to know that your H is working hard to give you what you deserve.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey guys,

uk keep the stuff.....

i am getting my life back...yay...my mom suggested that i get back into walking...i used to go to the mall every a.m. and walk (to keep in shape,mostly to lose weight- weight not an issue anymore thnx to wh) but walking used to clear my head....so my mom last week said that i should resume this activity....so i went this a.m. as soon as i dropped off the last child at school...and it was wonderful.....there is a whole crew of people there who walk and I WAS MISSED, what a rush...i was missed, something my wh never felt.....we had disconnected and he needed to priortize me to reconnect.....but he never missed me enough......

so I WAS MISSED and it felt wonderful to be missed....

i hope all of you have an amzaing day...a great way to start off another week......

(((HUGS))) to all


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I bought a ring for myself when I was particularly angry with him and it made me feel so much better.

Yup. Did that. Wedding ring meant fuck all, so I bought (and wear 24/7) an 18ct band embedded with some diamond chips as my true to myself ring. He still gets upset that I wonít wear any of the stuff he bought me. Why the fuck should I when he probably bought stuff for her and hid the cost within my present??? Of course, he said he only did that once, which just happened to be the ďonceĒ I found out about. (MOWís bíday is conveniently 18 days before mine)

I loved the opera story line. A case of you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Something FWH said so many times in the first year. And he made sure it was well and truly gone with all his lying. He never recognised how much respect I had for him. He knows thatís gone. That is the one thing (apart from missing how I loved him) I miss and would like to feel again, but I donít think thatís going to happen this side of forever. I have to find some way to love and accept him as someone terribly flawed and broken but make sure he canít get close enough to damage me again. Gotta grow a spine again (funny, I used to have one).

Miracle, that's great! See? You get blindsided and crushed and feel utterly worthless. Then you turn up to some activity interest you share with others and find that, hey, where the heck have you been? Little things, people asking after you, mean you are noticed. And your WH was only going to ďmiss youĒ when he (like FNFís story) realised what he has lost. I went to the gym almost daily in the early months, sometimes twice in a day. I would run, hill walk, row, cross train, crunch and pull weights until I was shattered. Canít wait for the okay to go back. Itís therapy, so keep it up and get those endorphins levels up to make you feel good afterwards.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:47 PM, March 16th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the good wishes for our new grandson Lucas. I'm still on the west coast, waiting for FWH Grampa to arrive next Monday. We talk daily (several times) and the A is off the table for now.

Is everyone on spring break? Hoping no news is good news... good vibes being sent to those in need.

UKg: how are those new shoes? I'm sure they will be great with the dress. I'd love to go buy something new yet won't as I'm stagnating at weight loss right now. Had to cancel a haircut due to coming here early so I'm kind of straggly too. Great time for photos?! Oh well... it's the baby that people are keen on, not me.
Take care tribe. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had to cancel a haircut due to coming here early so I'm kind of straggly too. Great time for photos

lostsoul - a smile of joy is the best makeover of all. I am sure you will look wonderful. Please make sure to post some when you have time.

UKG - how are the shoes? I am glad you kept the dress. With your new figure I am sure you are a complete knockout. When do we get to see?

Hi FNF - <waving> ummmm, that must have been some opera. What was your husband's reaction?

BT - did your son make any decision about Ivy League vs. not? Mardi Gras! I am jealous. NO is such a hoot but I haven't been there in about ten years. It is like visiting a foreign country.

I am doing okay. Spring is FINALLY arriving here and it makes such a difference. The sun is out, the birds are chirping. I want to start in my garden but we could still get snow so a little early yet.

I have been struggling with an issue for months and months now and finally jumped off the fence. I met with OW#1 late last year. She is the one from '92-'93. A very distant A but it felt good to at least make her look at me and admit what she had done. Well, I have been struggling with confronting OW#2 - the 7 year LTA. I know that this meeting could be a lot more painful for me. I mean 7 fucking years - geesh! But, it keeps coming up, I keep thinking about it, I keep making up reasons why I shouldn't (some of which are valid) but I can't let it go. So this morning I read a post in Recon that pushed me off the fence. I emailed her and told her we need to meet and to give me available days and times. I am sure she will try to ignore this but I have a strategy if she does. Anyway, my heart was absolutely POUNDING when I wrote the email and hit send. Literally, took my pulse - over 120! I am still a little shaky but I took the first step. I will keep everyone posted.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ummmm, that must have been some opera. What was your husband's reaction?

HS - to tell the truth, my H had to deal with my reaction. I was so upset afterward because for several years during the A, my H would say things like, I wouldn't mind if you went out and had an A. He was having ED issues and was (I thought) frustrated and I also foolishly thought he felt bad so I would reassure him and ignore these statements but they always hurt because I couldn't imagine him wanting me to be with someone else. So we went to this opera and a lot of what the king was saying reminded me of all those times my H said he would be ok if I had an A of my own.
Needless to say, I had a major meltdown after that and he had to deal with rivers of tears.
You are a very brave woman, HS. I really don't think I could ever go face to face with the OW. It would trigger me so badly but that's probably because I had really believed she was my friend.
Have you met her or had any contact (sorry, I can't remember what if any contact you might have had with her)?
What is it you want to ask her? What are you hoping to find out and how do you see this helping you? I know you did have a good outcome from meeting OW#1 - is there something more specific you're hoping to get from this meeting?
We'll be here for you.
(((HS)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had an absolutely fabulous time with new granddaughter (and her parents of course)! Congratulations LS! It's awesome, isn't it?!

Follow-up on letter from MOW: She asked that H let her know he had received the letter and then she would leave him alone as he has asked. He sent her an email (copied to me) that he had read her letter and hoped she would have a long and happy life. Period. We left on our trip the next day. I checked his email regularly and there has been nothing from her. No letters upon our return either, but I'm not convinced that's the end of it.

There were things in her letter that were affirming: "You have been deliberately cold and hurtful...", "...justify your lack of communication...", "I'm going to assume that since you won't respond to any of my concerns/letters that I have been pretty well on target with my comments." These comments at least lead me be believe that he has not been in contact with her other than mentioned above. She writes, "I really do wish you the best and hope that she will appreciate you and that she isn't making you miserable for messing up her life." I asked him why she might think that I don't appreciate him or would make him miserable (I have never even yelled at this man - EVER.). He owned his part by admitting that his actions and some things he said to her would make her think that, but he added that people tend to think of a situation as though they are in it and asked me to imagine if she were in my position how she would be treating Mr. MOW. We got a great chuckle out of that. She has a real anger mgt problem and is very vengeful. Other comments just made me feel sorry for her: "...I just feel sad and alone..." (Remember this woman is married!) "There will still be so much that reminds me of you, of us, of what could have been..." This poor girl doesn't get it. "...what could have been." This was a 22-year affair, remember. Wouldn't a right-minded person get that if he hadn't left me in 22 years, he wasn't planning to?

Our latest talk about our relationship was about my needs. He says he just wants me to "feel" that he loves me. Told him I've always felt that. He's great at expressing it (We never suffered a lack of affection, etc.) But since he loved someone in addition to me for 22 years, for the rest of my life I would need him to express that I am the only one he loves (while before I just assumed that to be true). Anxious to see what he comes up with. He's been very cautious with his communication, trying to avoid triggers. Sweet, but not going to help the situation.

This has gotten long! One more comment. Pre-A this man never went a day in his life without complaining about something. We spent a full week in a strange environment (different house, bed, locale, etc.) with our son and his wife [who live a completely different lifestyle than we do], 3 dogs, a cat, a crying infant, a hyperactive 8-yr. old, unusual meals at unusual times...He did not complain once! He actually seemed completely relaxed and enjoying himself! I'm not going to think about the possibility that it might all come crashing down. For now, I'm counting my blessings!


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - I am so sorry about your reaction to the opera. I can imagine how awful it must have been to see your life playing back before your eyes and having to sit there and try to hold it together. ((((FNF)))))

As far as what I want? Hmmmm, can't say really. Part of me just wants her to have to face me and admit what she has done. Part of me wants to let her know she wasn't so "special" she was one of many. Part of me wants to get some answers to things my H can't remember . But for some reason I think I need to go face to face with these skanks for closure....to put them where they belong...in the past.

I already heard back and she had the fucking nerve to ask "Why, specifically?" I wanted to meet. "Ummmmmmm 'cuz you spent 7 years fucking my husband you c&*t" was what I wanted to write back! What fucking nerve..."so we can exchange recipes"? R U fucking kidding me. Needless to say I just told she knew why and to tell me when she is available.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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