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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi and welcome back DHaC.
Just very quickly, cos I have to dash. Your H needs to write a NC letter and send it to her. My H ended up sending a solicitorís NC letter. If you want, I can PM it to you and your H and use it as a template. Itís straightforward, emotion free and lays things out as they are. Iíll BBL, around 11.30 UK time, then out again til school run at 4-ish.

Other than that, the mantra is no contact, no contact, NO CONTACT. He is not to speak to her, explain anything, apologise, NOTHING. If she rings, he can block her number on the landline (we had to do that) and if she rings the mobile, he is to cut her off without answering.

Is she likely to doorstep you?

To everyone else, have a good day and Loviní Ė have a fun weekend!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dhac....i'm confused....weren't u all together on holiday? and how was it to be with him again?

he did good in telling you....take it from someone who got lies...he did good......complete honesty on his end is a blessing.....never thought i would ever say that about this topic....there are actually alot blessings that i have not recieved.....won't go into that now.....

welcome back......

uk girl....i read some of your posts on the other sites....i am so sorry to read that u were raped.....and for u to say that this pain is worse.....my only comparison is my dad's death...and yes this is much worse....

its incredible how much of ourselves, our trust and our love has been invested in lies...i am 48 years old and for 23 years i've led a life based on lies.....almost half my life......it my anniversary on tuesday...20 years since he stood inchurch before god and lied, he even stuttered the word.....that was my first clue...because ow#1 was already in the picture, and he knew she was there to stay......but no i chalked it up to nerves....i feel like such a fool to believe in this person for so long...i knew he had issues...but never in amillion years would i ever have dreamed this up....i don't even think it would be believable if i weren't living it....every time i tell someone, the last one was one of my doctors....they area in total disbelief at the scope......all think i should write a book...but i would be missing so much info...there is still so much i have yet to learn...and i don't think he will ever tell...

does anyone know how to disconnect...i need to diconnect from him....and he needs to stay in the house....which makes it more difficult.....he also want to r.....but does not want to do what it takes.....he is manipulative and a liar....other then that he is remorseful....LOL.....ser had posted about an insincere apology and i couldn't believe howmany of those points were in my wh's apologies...i just knew that they didn't matter, i felt like he wasn't owning his shit, nor was/is he telling the truth....when ser put it black and white it felt like such an amazing validation...

i highly reccommend giving it a read


validation at this point in time is one my blessings....
i try everyday to be thankful for the blessings in my life, i always have. today i actually confided some in one of my freinds and the support was so touching.....i let this person know just how much this freindship means to me....we actually cried some together....

and i want to say thank you to all of you, especially those of u on this thread...your support has been another blessing for me, one for which i am eternally grateful..posting here has been good therapy....and i just started going to the f&g thread...what fun it is....i am in a place now where i can appreciate it...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, when we got up this morning and I was mooching around deciding what to wear and he was picking up his clothes from the floor (???!!!), he rummaged through his away bag and put the sheaf of papers on the bed. My parents were up (theyíre using us as a base for the next 10days), so Iíve put them in a drawer to look at Ė sometime. Iím a little worried about reading what heís written.

Long story short for those who canít remember/donít know. Waaay back in Dec 2006, FWH gave me a load of poetry he had written. Of course, a lot of it was about MOW. Then in April 2007 I found a whole load of hand written poetry, mostly on scraps of paper, mostly and explicitly about MOW, all stuffed into a non-descript brown envelope. After reading that lot, I was convinced he was and always had been totally in love with her. Over time, I have asked him to explain his writing, which he has, providing margin notes on the poems he gave me Xmas 06. I had thought they were written around Nov/Dec 2001, which was just after the A began. I found out by looking at the ďpropertiesĒ tab on the poem docs that some were written Sept and Oct 1999. Yup, two years before he met her. So, I handed them back to him, with the controversial dates as well, and asked him to explain Ė again. He has consistently denied having another affair. But I had already said back in 2007 and repeated time and again that if I found he had not told me all the important details, including other affairs, we would be finished.

So now I know Iím going to have to look at this shit and know Iím going to get that sick gut feeling he is rewriting history again. He will be lying over the lies. Iíll need mojos and hopeful vibes if you have some to spare. I am not looking forward to this.

********

Miracle Ė got that link to serís post? Iíd be very interested to read it. Your life has not been invested in lies, your Hís has. You stood by your values and by what you believed to be true. Please do not take what your H did as a reason to beat yourself up. Your words on your wedding day were as much for you as for him and the congregation, you were saying aloud your vows. He lied, you didnít. And that is how you disconnect. It worked for me. I thought that shit of a man took me as his wife as a second choice, a kind of make do, said all those things in front of everyone, when in fact his heart lay elsewhere. Okay, so the ex-gf was out of the picture, married herself and he hadnít seen her for a few years, so maybe he thought this was as good as it gets. Then he sees her name and Ė bam! He is gone. I stood by everything I held dear, I didnít lie or cheat or do anything underhand. I cannot hide my emotions. If I had had an affair, he would have found out and we would have been Díd. If I had had an affair, I would have already left the marriage. He didn't give tuppence for any of that, he saw what he wanted and went for it.

So I disconnect by saying I am not a liar, I am true to my word, I take other peopleís feelings into account. I donít really listen to him now; if he lies, he lies to himself b/c I donít believe him anyway. I donít rely on him to do anything for me, I have contingency plans in place for practically everything, including when I went in for my cosmetic surgery UKg2 was there as my willing back up and whatever he says or does, I donít care whether or not he has considered the consequences for anyone else other than him, and that way I wonít be disappointed. I have taken off those tinted, misty glasses and see everything in clear black and white. I do not do shades of grey. I am not an enigma, he knows exactly what to expect from me now.

When we finally come out of that falling though the air, stomach churning, heart aching, canít think straight condition, we can look to the good things we have in life. Family, children, friends, just little things too, sometimes like a sunny day, a good meal, a hug. Hold those thoughts close and feel them. Take time to disconnect from the crap too.

Miracle, you have done amazingly well. Give yourself a little smile.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl...thank you as always for your words...i am not a patient person with this, at least for myself. i want to not love him anymore. and i am working on it. i keep telling myself that i fell in love with a fantasy, he is not who i thought he was. kind of what everyone tell the wh about their op......the op is a fantasy, well my wh is the fantasy....because who he really is, is someone i do not know. the hard part is disaocciating the parts you do know with the many parts you don't and never did. he won't stop telling me how he's changed...a lie...because he still lies.......i wish he would just shut up.....i don't want to hear his voice, see his face...i wish he could just disappear....today we went on a college visit, had to pass one of the area's he was with #3....i could not stop the damn movies......i am so tempted to have a ra just to stop his movies and play my own....i've actually thought about having sex with another amn in all the spots he's had sex or even where he's met them...of cousre i do not think ow#1 will let me use her basement or ow#2 let me use her apt.....but the other places are places i pass, some on a daily basis......

damn i hate this and i hate him....i do not want to hate him anymoe i want indifference because then i will be where i need to be...disconnected!!!!!


just a thought on your sich....is it possible that your wh a started in 99, instead of when u thought he did? is it possible its all the same op?

and by the way how arae your boobs?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, April 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=290633&HL=22812

this is the link to ser's post


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, April 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the link. I'll go back and read it later.

i do not want to hate him anymoe i want indifference because then i will be where i need to be...disconnected!!!!!

Youíll get there. Itís called the plain of lethal flatness (there's an article in the healing lib). Itís kind of quite nice to feel nothing. Life goes on around you are somewhat removed and you just donít care. You feel that if your H dropped dead in front of you, youíd shrug your shoulders and say, damn, this is a bit of a mess to clear up. But be careful when you do finally reach it Ė I didnít want to leave and come back to the hurt, so I stayed a little too long the first time around. Iíve been there a few times and I felt safe just sitting there. When it happens, know it for what it is, another stage.

is it possible that your wh a started in 99, instead of when u thought he did? is it possible its all the same op?

No. MOW has never deviated from the ď5yrĒ lurve affair. I reckon it all kicked off in 1999 when he went to the first school reunion, travelling down with his oldest bfís W (who was being betrayed and guess who was offering support during her meltdowns???)who lives en route. He def had a soft spot for S.T, who had got Díd but was dating the man she later Míd. He "popped in" for ďcoffeeĒ a few times when he was down her way and I speculate tha his EA was unreciprocated and this got him started in the hunt for the ex-fiancee. He may or may not have had a PA back in 1999, if he did I think it was short lived. I'll never know. He mentioned a couple of other old gfís who he met too. He was staying with an old school friend when he was shown the friendsreunited website with MOWís name and he sent an email from that friendís computer. You would have thought this ďfriendĒ would have said NOOOOOOOooooo! having known about their tumultuous relationship before. But I reckon he encouraged it. Oddly enough, this friend is having a party next Saturday and asked us down. Unfort my parents will still be here, or Iíd say yes just to confront him and tell him what happened due to his teasing ďlook who I foundĒ.

and by the way how arae your boobs?

Iíve still got them!! Iíve still got one bigger than the other but the consultant says thatís due to the muscle structure (the implants are underneath muscle rather than the skin) and Iím still in the settling in period. FWH says theyíre fine and although he can see the difference, he says they look exactly the same when I wear a bra. So I guess Iím being too critical. But Iíve got a cyst under my eye that will prob have to be removed. Something to do with the dissolvable stitch catching surface cells which get surrounded and form a hard ball. Antibiotics this week, see him again next Thur. But thanks for asking.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:33 AM, April 26th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím going off later this morning with FWH on a business trip. Just his normal stuff. He asked me on Sat morning before we got up. I said yes. A little later, he put the poems on the bed (little Freudian slip Ė I wrote porn! ).

Now this trip is going to be one huge trigger for me as Iíll be moving into MOWís place and role. Work, hotel, sex Ė ugh. We even take separate overnight bags. No wedding rings. Iím trying to be low key, but Iím struggling. So Iíve decided to take the poems with me and deal with it while weíre away. That should help remove the sleazy feelings a little. And I plan no sex. NO SEX. No canoodling or hand holding over the dinner table. Not frosty, but not warmly intimate either.

Wish me luck. Have a good start to the week tribe.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:15 AM, April 27th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck UKGirl, I hope things go the way you want to.

It's been a rough week here for me. Hell, it 's been a rough year! H took off work Friday and ended up kissing me goodnight and one thing led to another and we actually had sex...first time in almost 8 months. It was nice in that he said he just started and didn't want to stop.

So the next night, I think, woudn't it be nice to do that when he takes a pill. So I suggest it after hours of contemplating and he kind of mururs okay and I go up to bed expecting him to come upan hour or so later. He comes up almost two hours later and syas sorry babe, not cooperating tonight.

I was just so hurt and rejected. Then I see the next morning he looked at porn after that. So he can clearly tell something is wrong and says he wants to talk after work. So we do. I felt so disconnected. He asked a few times if I was "calling it" , like we're a baseball game or something, or if I wanted to call it. I said I didn't know. He was clearly freaked out. Says he took a pill and wanted to bt that 'things' didn't wor and he looked at porn to see if that would help.

We taled about a lot. How watching tv togetehr does not make a relationship. How we both need to be fulfiled, but it seems he needs nothing from me, it is always me asking. How he has chosen her and then porn over me all this time. And the list goes on.

Last night we talked again. He is worried I am leaving. He said he wants this to work, he loves me, all that stuff. I had looked and he had looked at porn after our talk the previous night. Are you kidding me????? But then I look at porn addiction and he really doesn't fit it. 10 mintues, 3 nights a week or so.

So I guess I was not clear enough. So last night i was. There can be no other women in this marriage, including porn. You need to think about it and decide. He said okay adn then a few minutes later he said he oculd make that step. We'll see.

Oh, and I checked out his facebook account. A picture of him giving a shoulder rub to another girl. Another coworker sent him a bunch of pictures form work adn that was in it. I called him on it and he tried to backtrack. I don't know what picur. Oh, it was with so adn so, she's married. (like that seems to make any difference!). I pointed out that even under the pictrue someone had written, are you tryign to get H in trouble? and the girl(who sent the pictures) wrote back, no he told me to send it to him.

H always gave back rubs to everyone on the floor. It was just a thing he did and to be honest, it never really bothered me. He has alwasy been very flirty and I as okay with that. Was. He alwasy gave me one as well. But that pictrue just made me sick adn made me realize how poor his line crossing radar is.

Anyway, that was what started my bad week adn then we talked. He did agree the picture was inapprpriate and he's sorry it hurt me or woudl embarrass me if othrs saw. That nothing happened, but he can see wh I was upset. And we talked about all the otehr stuf.

This seems our MO. Talk, be okay briefly, something else happens and we are bad. Talk, be okay briefly, something happens and we are bad. It's exhausting.

Sorry for the lg ramble. Hope everyone has a good week adn no drama. We coudl all use some boring.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now this trip is going to be one huge trigger for me as Iíll be moving into MOWís place and role

UKG - MOW WAS MOVING INTO YOUR ROLE - NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, IMHO!
One of the things I did early on was to "reclaim" those things the OW stole from me. For example, I know they had sex on Monday and Thursday nights after office hours. I was determined to reclaim those nights. She took what was mine and I aggressively came back and took back what has always been mine, KWIM????
Never let yourself believe that these business trips were ever hers - this was NEVER her place nor her role. Never, fucking Never!!!
Nuff said!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost - I cannot believe how impossible your H is being. He says one thing and then does another. It's like the oldest cliche in the book, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
I am glad to hear that you finally had sex. Hopefully, this will ease the pressure a bit knowing he can perform successfully. Is it possible that the idea of 2 nights in a row freaked him out a little? Have the two of you gone to a sex therapist? It sounds like he could certainly benefit from professional help in this area as well as in MC'ing. He definitely has boundary issues and considering how long you have been trying to R, you would think he would have progressed a bit more than he has.
Sending you lots of hugs today. You deserve so much more from him. (((SL)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"does anyone know how to disconnect...i need to diconnect from him....and he needs to stay in the house....which makes it more difficult.....he also want to r.....but does not want to do what it takes....."
IWAM - For me, my disconnect came almost immediately in that my shock and disbelief threw up walls as thick as boulders. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. I slept in one room, him in another. My anger was so intense, it was the only thing I seemed capable of expressing for months. Even the first time we had sex after d-day, I stormed into our bedroom (he was sleeping there while I was sleeping in our guest room - it's prettier , and screamed at him, Get in here and fuck me. I still laugh at this when I think how scared of me he seemed to be. I was a raving, raging lunatic for months and this was how I remained disconnected. By the time my anger started to subside, I was successfully disconnected even though we were having regular sex. I am over 3 years past d-day and I am just starting to let my walls come down.
A couple of weeks ago I found myself feeling very sad and told my H that I was tired of living with these walls up and that I was ready to finally try to let him back in.
I don't know how it works for others but I do think we have to disconnect for a short while so that we can focus on what we need and what we want from our relationship. If we stay focused on what we can do to keep them with us, instead of focusing on whether or not it is in our best interest to stay with them, we give them the control and that would never have worked for me. I don't know how it is in your situation, but I would hope that you are not letting him control your relationship. These men are so manipulative, are such successful liars, that we have no choice but to pull back and evaluate our needs and do the best we can to assure our own sanity.
(((IWAM)))
ETA - Your statement that he wants to R but doesn't want to do what it takes, ,
what does that mean to you???
It sounds to me that he wants you to make the changes, the adjustments to his course for your M. Well, pardon my French here, but fuck that. That is not R and I think the best thing you can do right now if it's not possible for him to go elsewhere is to pull back from him as much as possible until he starts moving toward you. I remember a while ago reading something about relationships where the discussion was about balance. It talked about how no relationship works if one party is giving more than 60%. Ideally, we hope for 50/50 but in some we occasionally put in 60 while our partner puts in only 40. Beyond that, the relationship heads for trouble. I am a firm believer in this, always have been and demand no less from my spouse and actually believe that they are ones who should be giving no less than 60% to us while we struggle to recover from the damage and pain their LTA's have caused us.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:12 AM, April 27th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I don't know why my H does not seem to get it. He has not had another affair or done anything like that wrong since dday, but he just seems to have no clue about what is okay adn what isn't. MC seems to think he needs to be told very specifically exactly what I want o need and that is just ridiculous.

Is it possible that the idea of 2 nights in a row freaked him out a little?

Possibly. I think he is very embarrassed about the erectile dysfunction. But he had a damn affair with it, didn't he? That was the one thing that held me back when I suspeted for yearas. Who with ED woudl go have an affair? Clearly I was wrong. He says over and over he had the same problems with her, but I never know what to believe. He laso said he didn't use viagra with her and then I foudn he had. He says he only used one pack worth...who knows if that is the truth.

MC also says when he gets put on teh spot his gut reaction is to lie.

Honestly. I sometims wonder if this is all worth it. Do Ireally want to keep my famiyl together this badly? I am so not sure.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget....

how do u disconnect and not become indifferent, doesnt' the disconnect kill the feelings that u have left....how did u actually move past that and then want to reconnect.....

I

was sleeping in our guest room - it's prettier , and screamed at him, Get in here and fuck me. I still laugh at this when I think how scared of me he seemed to be.

this made me laugh so hard and i really needed that laugh....good for you.....i've thought about using him for sex...for about aminute...then not a chance....sex with a stranger is more appealing right now....

Your statement that he wants to R but doesn't want to do what it takes, ,
what does that mean to you???
It sounds to me that he wants you to make the changes, the adjustments to his course for your M.

this means 2 things....he doesn't love me enough or is sorry enough to truly put it all out there and tell the whole truth......thats the first thing.... the second is that he is truly not capable, he lies about everything, i believe he even lies to himself.....he truly does not know how to tell the truth.....and even though he is in ic, i don't know that this will ever change.....

i am really sad.....super sad....tommorow is our anniversary, 20 years...and its all been a lie.....i have no way knowing what during those years was just us! and never will......i posted in general about it.....she was ALWAYS THERE!!!! i have no idea how many times or how often i was the the hole and didn't know it....until the night in 1999...when i knew i was just a hole, i just didn't know that i was a fill-in too!!!! and many nights after that.....


solost....are u both in big time therapy.....and if u are amybe its time for a new therapist.....haven't the 2 of u been at this same battle for a while....


ukgirl.....r u going on this trip to "role play", or for another reason.....either way i hope it works out for you.


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do u disconnect and not become indifferent, doesnt' the disconnect kill the feelings that u have left....how did u actually move past that and then want to reconnect.....

IWAM - For me it wasn't a process of disconnecting. As I said, the shock and disbelief that my H, this person I was married to for over 30 years, had 3 children with, shared a relatively comfortable life with was someone I didn't recognize, someone who could cause me such pain, broke something in me. Then my need to protect myself from further pain and disillusionment forced me to put up walls so that he couldn't hurt me any more. Honestly, it was almost instantaneous. I don't know if others can relate to this but for me it just more or less happened with no deliberate thought process.
And yes, I became very indifferent to him, to our M, it was a kind of, WTF do I care. He's not worth my tears. I can get along without him if I have to. I am lucky in that my children are all grown and independent so that took a lot of the pressure off of me. I also went to a lawyer and found out that I was entitled to no less than 60% of our joint assets and that also made me feel better about going out on my own. I have a lot of family and friend support as well so to me, I didn't feel that I had little option but to stay. He knew and I knew that I would be ok - it was just a matter of whether or not he was going to give me what I needed in order to make me want to stay.
After 3 years of him working hard to earn my trust, giving me the emotional support on those terrible days of complete and utter meltdown, spending time together and considering my needs in any decisions that had to be made, and finally missing, really missing that feeling of being connected to someone, I began to feel the walls slowly coming down. Believe me, there will probably always be some resistance, some protective piece in place and I am always watching and listening but I do find myself lately letting good feelings come into our M. It is scary but I just don't want to live indefinitely with these walls in place, KWIM??
You mentioned that your H was in IC'ing. Is that making any difference at all? Did he choose to do this on his own or was this a condition of your willingness to stay and attempt R? Is he still trying to minimize the extent of damage his LTA has done to you and your M?
Has your H broken down at all, even for a moment, indicating that he really "gets it"? My H collasped one day shortly after I made him admit to our children what he had done. I KNEW he got it and that was critical IMO to him realizing that he had a lot of work to do if he was this M to survive. When I read of FWS's who put the onus on the BS to do the majority of the work I get so angry. The damage that these men do is so extensive and unless they get that, how can we as BS's ever be satisfied in the M again?
I will check in on you tomorrow - anniversaries are really tough. Let me know if there is anything I or any of us can do to help you get through tomorrow.
(((((((IWAM)))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Sad  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget...thankyou for the support...yes today is really rough.....having a hard time keeping it together, i can't even take a xanax, i was informed that it is a dwi, and i ned to drive my kids later...

now for your questions:
You mentioned that your H was in IC'ing. Is that making any difference at all? Did he choose to do this on his own or was this a condition of your willingness to stay and attempt R?

his ic is making a small difference, he seems to be less in my face, he comes home somewhat upbeat, if that makes any sense. it was a condition of his even staying in the house, he was not the dad he needed to be either. he seems to be happy about ic and he believes its helping. my issue is that he uses alot of what is told to him, other's words as his reasons, or justifications. so i know when he is using these words or expressions its not really coming from him.

Is he still trying to minimize the extent of damage his LTA has done to you and your M?

he doesn't exactly minimize it they way he used to, but i get the feeling that he does not get the magnitude of his infidelity. like when he tries to reference our past, he tries to tell me that the ow was not as involved as he thinks i think.....but the fact remaines is that SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE. the pain in knowing that, in knowing that he always loved her, loved her before he even met me, he was her om....i don't think he is able to wrap his head around that, and unless its happened to you its not something you could even fathom pain wise.....and when i was first finding everything out, i knew, i truly knew that she was going to be BIG...her existance i knew was going to be really BIG.....

Has your H broken down at all, even for a moment, indicating that he really "gets it"?

this one is almost laughable and truly sad....yes he ahs broken down many times, boke down hyserically crying that i knew EVERYTHING, of course it was alwys lies.....nothing but lies.....its gotten to the point that when i hear him start that cry, and there really is a difference in the sound of cries, kind of like babies cries....you start to recognize the differences, anyways when i hear it i actually start to cringe, it makes me want him out, completely out....i cannot deal with it because i know it purely for manipulation.

i never knew how adept he was at manipulating people. its a trait i truly never recognized til this. and manipulate he does, i had shown him this forum months ago, before i started posting, i would send him different threads in the hopes of showing him what to do, such as stop the lying....well he has registered and posts sometimes, everytime i read his posts i see pure manipulation and more lies...it makes me so angry. he reads my posts and then takes the info and tries to use it to his advantage, just short of telliing the truth....

more questions for you:

spending time together and considering my needs in any decisions that had to be made, and finally missing, really missing that feeling of being connected to someone

to someone...did it matter who?, did u still love him?, connected to him?

I just don't want to live indefinitely with these walls in place, KWIM??

aren't there still walls in place, maybe just a different set? can we ever eliminate all the walls? isn't trust a part of that?

Let me know if there is anything I or any of us can do to help you get through tomorrow.

you already have just by being there, being supportive, sending hugs and sharing.....so thank you.



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, April 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how it works for others but I do think we have to disconnect for a short while so that we can focus on what we need and what we want from our relationship.

I haven't posted in along time, but I still lurk and try to keep up. This really hit me though. I do this.

We are two years out and things seem to be going well. (who really knows in our case) But I still have days when I pull back, let the anger and pain kind of take over. I think it is also my way of still trying to deal with these feelings and not bury them. (something I have a habit of doing) How do you express this to your WS when you disconnect like this? My H continues to ask why I am distant and what he can do. I really don't know what to say, other than somedays are better than others. I don't know how to tell him I love him, but somedays I really hate him.

Keep thinking the anger will go away, but not there yet. Anyone else have these feeling? And how do you deal with them? Just ride out the roller coaster?

Iwantamiracle - I am sorry you are having a rough day. We "celebrated" our 25th last year. OW has not been in our entire marriage, so I can't give you any words of wisdom there, but I know these anniversaries will never be the same for me or you. Be good to yourself, it helped me to just treat it like any other day. Not anything special anymore.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to someone...did it matter who?, did u still love him?, connected to him?

I had to think about this actually. Interesting question!
I have thought a lot about the idea of being with someone else and the idea really doesn't appeal to me. You see, I've been with my H for over 30 years and realized I never knew him. To start out with someone new, well I don't think I'd want to trust another man at this stage of my life. I might enjoy a casual relationship but I doubt I'd ever want to set myself up again. Reading here and seeing how pervasive infidelity is, well, honestly, do you really think are there any good guys out there????
I think I've lost a lot of faith in "man"kind as a result of my H's LTA.
So, to answer your question, I guess I'll just try to rebuild something with "the devil I know."
As to my walls and trust, I don't think I'll ever completely trust my H again. It just isn't in my best interest to do so. There will always be some protective wall in place, just not as many. I built a friggin fortress around myself for the first few years.
How are you doing today? I do hope yesterday was not as bad as you might have anticipated it to be. Did your H do anything for you or did you ask him to ignore the day? Most of us do that, especially if it's early in your recovery.
Check in if you can and let us know how you're doing.
((((IWAM)))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep thinking the anger will go away, but not there yet. Anyone else have these feeling? And how do you deal with them? Just ride out the roller coaster?

HBH - good to see you again and I'm glad to see that things are going pretty well.
As to your question, I am 3 years out and I can finally say that my anger is not the problem for me that it was for so long. I do have an occasional outburst
but they are months apart and fortunately my H has learned how to help me through them. He is amazingly calm and doesn't allow himself to take it personally. He just keeps his cool, lets me spew my poison and talks me down, so to speak.
We've developed quite a system. I think if our H's can learn how to get us through these meltdowns without losing their tempers or reacting to us, everyone wins and they are so much better for it. They have as much if not more to gain if they would only learn how to work through this with us and I think my H is finally there. Lord, I hope I'm not jinxing us.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! So many new faces- I am an old timer here and some may remember me. H had a 4 year LTA and my original dday was in 8/05.

Ladies, I have had another Dday today. I could use extra thoughts and prayers. I am sick to my stomach. Not a physical affair, but online inappropriateness that H told me about. I am pissed. I am sick. I am confused. I don't know whether I can go through another R or not.

So, please, please say an extra prayer for me and my two beautiful girls today.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB - I am so sorry to hear this. These men are so incredibly stupid and after all you've been through. I am glad to hear that he came to you and admitted what he was doing but obviously whatever it is that he should have resolved in these 4 years needs to be dealt with and I hope that if you do decide to work on R after this that he gets to an IC who can help him resolve his issues once and for all.
(((((((((HB))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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