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User Topic: Long Term Affairs X I V
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HB))))) Big hugs and positive thoughts coming your way. Iím so sorry that this has happened, something that your H had to tell you or you were going to find it anyway? We all know the sick feeling when the track isnít running straight. A social networking site, was it? Give him a kick in the backside from me.
********

Miracle, hope your anniversary was tolerable. Iím a great one for running away on those ďspecialĒ dates Ė anniís and bídays - and any other day I feel like it! But last year I had no choice. It was my parentís 60th anni on the 4th Sept and they had their bash on 20th which was our 28th anni. My parents came up last week (using us as a coaching inn, theyíre back tomorrow) and insisted we watch the dvd of the event. And there it was, my dad (bless him) saying to ďplease raise your glasses to another couple who know the secret of a long and happy MĒ UGH! I didnít know we were being filmed, good job I didnít scowl at FWH! Ah well. Anniís will never be the same again. Actually, I refuse to acknowledge the day, cos in my heart I ainít míd.
********

SoL, Iím glad that when you finally got your sex, it was good enough to want more! And yes, your H probably did feel pressurised, but then he doesnít need much excuse, does he? But it does also seem that heís prepared to have sex when HE wants it, and shies away when you do. I really do think he should be more aware of your needs and stop making it all about him. Yup, actions do speak louder than words.

MC also says when he gets put on teh spot his gut reaction is to lie.

He had years of it. It becomes a natural thing to do. For my H, it is to re-write history and I think sometimes he actually believes some of the lies he says. I guess they had to believe in what they were saying, otherwise weíd have found out a whole lot sooner.
********

Never let yourself believe that these business trips were ever hers - this was NEVER her place nor her role. Never, fucking Never!!!

Thanks for your strident words! But, I know You see, I never went with him on any ordinary business overnight stay, so they DID belong to her. And now when I am with him in a hotel, I feel slightly grubby, sordid and itís just a not nice feeling. Even when we went to the vineyard last month, pleasure that should have been was spoiled by what he did. She had no right to take my place, but equally, he had no right to give her what should have been mine.

and screamed at him, Get in here and fuck me.

LOL!!! And looking like the wild woman of Borneo!!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again.

So, the overnighter was ok. I dropped him off at work and went off til it was time to go back and pick him up. There was no restaurant, so we had a catís lick, changed and went off to a nearby pub for dinner. Nice roaring fire, reasonable food and a couple of drinks. It was ok. Back to the room for a bottle of wine and some chocs. We didnít look at the writing. We did NOT have sex! No way, Jose! I did NOT want to feel a sleaze-bag. Took him in early yesterday morning, went back to the room and read his jottings for about an hour. It still doesnít stack up.

He has, of course, re-written history and he HAS had the gall in some parts to say it wasnít about the affair after all. Fucking balls of the man! Anyway, I reckon a couple of them point to an unfulfilled EA before he found MOW. Gut feel. Sick gut feel.

I had my IC today, she looked at some of the stuff and she has said I have to talk to him about all of this. The fact I have no proof is irrelevant. She says he is being controlling and passing it back to me and there is the KISA element to some of the things he has said. It doesnít matter that all this time has passed, if I need to know and he is still lying, it has to be brought out in the open and I have to persist if he starts to deviate from the point. And that he cannot tell me that he meant what he said in the poetry to me and then say the poetry about her didnít mean anything. He is trying to manipulate, probably through fear and not wanting to go back there. She says he should get into IC.

But itís finding the right time, isnít it. I was getting a bit angry about it in IC. If he thinks revealing another A is a dealbreaker for me, he's not going to confess, is he? And yet I cannot continue living with a liar, so this m is doomed anyway. Jeez. What a fucking hash he's made of things.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf:
do you really think are there any good guys out there????

yes i do.....just look at how many men are on this site as bs's....so yes they are out there.....they are with the women who cheat....

then there are the few, the lucky few who are together and niether of them cheats.....i really believe that....at least most of the time.......and want to believe it all of the time at least for my kids.....i don't want any of them to feel this pain...


my anniversary...well thankfully its past....we went to buffet, at one point my dd looked at me at a rare alone moment and asked me if i still love her dad, i sadi yes, she then asked, well do u love him because you have to and its the right thing or do u really love him, love him...i said i really love him and that if i didn't it would be much easier,,,,she said "whoa" and then the rest of the family came back to the table so the moment was gone.....

i went to ic....vented and cried some....

came home...

i go into the kitchen and my wh comes in and points to the counter saying, i got you roses (pats himself on the back attitude), i say nothing, about 30 seconds go by, he goes into the mud room and comes back in with a vase, i look at him and thvase and said, no i don't think so, i proceed to pick up the roses, march over to the mudroom door, open the door and throw the roses in the garbage, and said thats what you did to our marriage and to me!!!!!, i marched out of the room and into the living room to watch idol!!!!

i spoke to him today, i couldn't believe how little he put into a day that he knew was going to be difficult to say the least, not to mention that under normal circumstance was a milestone anniversary...and all he could come up with was roses, they weren't even in one of those put together arrangements, he's bought me roses for stupidass apologies, so how do they show me how he supposedly feels for a 20 anniversary, when he's been fucking other women for 25 years...

he gets the award for stupidass idiot!!!

and i am supposed to feel ????? what ????

i still didn't open the card, hell i still didn't open the valentines day card......

gotta go kids are home


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - Thanks! You seem to be in a place of acceptance. That is my goal right now. Not forgiveness, not sure I can ever give that. Just learning to accept that this is my marriage and I chose to stay. I am too damn tired to look anywhere else for a partner. And I too will never totally trust him or anyone else for that matter. Guess I am stuck with this one and sometimes I actually enjoy being with him. If I could just accept the past and let it go..........maybe love will return.

Heartbroken - so sorry you are back here. I know you will get the support here you need to get through this.

I don't think I can offer much for advice, but I know there are others that can. It is a beautiful spring day. Sun's out, flowers are blooming, and I cannot seem to find the joy. Taking the dogs for a walk, maybe that will help.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HB))))))

I am so sorry. Why can these men/people not keep firm boundaries in place? At least he told you about it so he must have recognized he was on a the slippery slope. I guess I will never understand why they keep getting on the lift that takes them to that slope.

We are hear to listen if you want to talk.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again. I have been reading but not posting. I think I am in the plain of lethal flatness again interspersed with intense anger. FWIW, for those of you that want to know, even if your H is completely remorseful and is working incredibly hard on himself and has stopped the lies and is completely transparent....

it still sucks.

I know it is a roller coaster but I just fucking hate the down part. I have been working very hard for the last couple of weeks to bring myself back up. I think the combination of the nice weather and some posts on hear in general are helping.

This one by Truthsetmefree touched by in particular. I KNOW I invested too much of myself in this relationship. I think her advice is wonderful.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=290764&HL=7168

IWAM - sorry about your anniversary. Yes, I would think he would 1. recognize it as being a painful, bittersweet day and 2. do more to show you that he want to be in the M. You are doing amazing since you are still relatively new to this.

UKG - as far as the poetry he is in a bit of a box right? If he tells you the truth, it's over. If he doesn't tell you the truth, maybe it is over as well. Is there a way to give him a "safe" option (e.g. MC with a "here is your one shot to tell me all of the truth since the beginning of time and, if you do not, we cannot continue" sort of thing?).

HBH - welcome back. It is good to see some of the "old-timers" around.

SoLost - I don't know if I could accept that from my H. It is just too painful to be rejected in that way.

(((solost))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:

If he thinks revealing another A is a dealbreaker for me, he's not going to confess, is he? And yet I cannot continue living with a liar, so this m is doomed anyway.

it seems that you need to make a choice, make it safe for him to tell you or live with the lie? its the same predictament for me....

we really can't make it safe, because we aren't sure how we can feel knowing that they kept yet more information from us, the pieces of the puzzle of our lives....yet we already know the answers don't we.......and lliars they've already proven themselves to be, and damn good ones too, can't pull of lta's if your not good at lying and manipulating.....

i guess because i am what you all refer to as a newbie my choice has already been made, i am accepting my sich as it is, he is a liar and therefore this is a marriage in name only and will reamin so for my children.....that is my decision...there is no r without truth.....(everytime i say truth i want to add "justice and the american way", i loved superman)...maybe thats why i have men problems, i fell in love with superman...and he wears tights....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken: i am so sorry that u are back here, i am a newbie and i am so sorry to have to meet u, so to speak.....

much (((HUGS)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, April 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtshirley:

I invested too much of myself in this relationship
.

we all invested all we have and all we are, that is what we believed love was...but love is so much more then putting all of yourself in one person, unless of course that one person is YOU....my mom taught me early on, You is truly all you have ALL the time, there is not a soul who could be there for you through all of it...so you need to learn how to count on yourself....

however when we love, all of us we loved with everything we had and have, because that is what love is, unforunately it was not reciprocated by any wh...because to truly love someone is to honor and cherish them, not to cheat on them, abuse them or betray them in any way.....

and for us we need to learn to LOVE OURSELVES FIRST AND FOREMOST...which mean we need to honor ourselves and not abuse ourselves or put ourselves in a position of abuse, or betray our very souls for anyone else.

we all want to believe these men can change, but we cannot change them, only they can change themselves....as only we can change ourselves.....

we need to change our perceptions to accept what we cannot change (them) and change what we can (us)....

i know i am rambling on and on...i am trying to live these words and the hurt still exists...hence the problem....i don't even know if i am explaining it right...i just know that i can only change me...and i need to do for me because no one else is going to.....

exactly what i am going to do for me ...i don't know yet....learn meditation, work out, get some plastic surgery, spend time doing things i love...whatever....one step at a time....hopefully i won't backstep too often....

enough of my rambles....

(((hurtshirley)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

open the door and throw the roses in the garbage, and said thats what you did to our marriage and to me!!!!!, i marched out of the room and into the living room to watch idol!!!!

This made me laugh! And the very reason I have told H I do NOT want to celebrate or acknowledge any anni or bíday with him. It makes me soooo mad to think that he went off and texted her while we were out having an 8-course gourmet meal on our 25th. I donít even like to think about what he was saying.

ďNever invest more than you can afford to loseĒ
I love that as a metaphor. I did invest too much, but I thought I was safe. Clearly not, so now I know exactly how far I am prepared to go in committing to this relationship. Maybe one day, like FNF, I will let the walls down a little. Or replace them with bullet proof glass. But I will never believe in him again in the way I did before. Sad but true.

LOVE OURSELVES FIRST AND FOREMOST...

This is very hard for me. All my self esteem went down the pan on dday and I am still struggling to get a smidgen of it back. All I can say is that I remained and still remain true to myself. And thatís a good start.

get some plastic surgery,

It ainít necessarily the answer, but I enjoyed spending the money!
BTW, saw consultant today re the eye cyst which is an ďinclusion cystĒ, to surface cells have been picked up by the stitch and are growing under the skin instead of on it. Appt 8am Tue to nick the skin and pop it out.

f he tells you the truth, it's over. If he doesn't tell you the truth, maybe it is over as well.

Not necessarily. All I have ever asked for is the truth. Iím not saying sordid detail truth, but if I ask a question, it means I want a truthful answer, not one he thinks I should have. I have concluded he is vain, arrogant, overly self-assured, paternalistic when it suits and, as a result, patronising. I am miles stronger than he would like to acknowledge. He has never given me the full story of our masquerade of a marriage to date, so he is not giving me a choice to weigh up and decide. He is just a fuckwit fucking liar. I fucking HATE his stupid lying. I fucking hate that he STILL has me down for an idiot. He may have IQ points coming out of his ears, but he has no fucking common sense.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haven't posted here in a long time but I read everyday.....but I had to send some hugs to HB.

((((((((((hearbroken))))))))))

I'm so sorry, hun. Come talk it out when you can.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:

He has never given me the full story of our masquerade of a marriage to date, so he is not giving me a choice to weigh up and decide
.

the choice is always yours, he gave you all he will possibly ever give and living with that is YOUR choice....

granted i too would like the entire story, but waiting on something that may never happen is kind of like waiting for the impossible...its a lose lose sich, you need to take back your power for YOU....

for me its simple, without the truth there is no future, and that is the choice that i am living with....its the letting go of the dream that is so difficult, its the dream we all had, the dream we all wish for.....

we can choose to stay in limbo, waiting for them to do the right thing or we culd take our power back and choose how we are going to live our lives...

i am working hard on the accepting what i cannot change part so that i can move on. i cannot change 'HIM', and in the accepting that. at the same time i am working on the changing 'ME' part, after all that is the only thing i can ever change, and that is ME!

i am already changed by the experience, unfortuantely i am not change in a good way, but i am working on it...i did drop a lot of weight, i still would like to go for a tummy tuck, i figure feeling good about the outside is at least a start, the inside is another story...but i work on it daily, we all do....

we come here and journal outloud. our voices are heard, acknowledged and validated......we receive immense support as well as give it back.....this is a start. a start in helping ourselves heal, and in our sich's we need to heal ourselves, our wh's are of no use to us there.....but we are of use to each other....

our wh's hurt us to the very core of our beings and they continue to do so with the continued lies. we cannot change them. those are the facts and with those facts you make your choices. do not wait for something that may never be....too much time has passed, how much time do u want to devote to all this pain.......i don't and i'm not at it that long.....for my very survival, i deserve some happiness and damn it i am going to do whatever it takes for me to heal, because no one else will.....it will take longer this way, they can definitely speed that process up for us, but they are unwilling....so for me anyway i am taking control of life back, he's had it for far too long, and look what he's done to it....i am not about to give him more to destroy! my wh is an idiot, a stupid fucking idiot...because i know who i am and what i was as a wife and he blew it......i will no longer say that he continues to blow it, it has blown...past tense...he is obviously not willing to do the work....so we are done as far as i am concerned.......we are still a family for our children, but my marriage in my head and am working on it for my heart, is over!!!!!

so when you read this later my wh,(prayformiracle), let it sink in.....you did not do the work, you did not do what it takes, you made your choices, i have now made mine....live with that as i have lived with your choices....you may not love me enough, but thats ok, because i love ME enough...and i will be ok....will you?

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:26 PM, April 30th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping on to say thank you for the well wishes. Dday 2 evokes the same emotional roller coaster- sick stomach, no appetite, couldn't sleep last night, wishing it were all a bad dream.

I will post more when I can function better to get it all down.

In the meantime, wanted to say thank you to all of you special people posting your support. I can really, really use it right now.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hearbroken))

more hugs....

and remember to breathe......and stay hydrated


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

I'm so sorry that you have to face this.

We are here for you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you made your choices, i have now made mine....live with that as i have lived with your choices....

There is a conflict of opinion over this one. He seems to think that because I didnít know and was in complete ignorance for the whole time of his confessed affair, that his choices didnít affect me, they somehow only affected him. Although he does admit that his bad temper and boorish behaviour and sniping at me was as a direct result of his fucking around with MOW. And so because of that, we should be able to build back up all that has been lost and re-establish some deeper and more connected relationship. He doesn't want to live with my choices. Just what mind-fuck planet is he on? I told him 6mths after dday that the long term effect could be a slow death of the marriage anyway.

(((((HB)))))
When youíre ready hon, pull up a chair and weíll pour the coffee/beer/wine and listen. I hope itís not as bad as you think. Hugs for you.

I think Iím stepping out onto the lethal plane of flatness again. I just donít care. Iím sick of his lies, Iím sick of the affair, Iím sick of the marriage, Iím sick of pretending to my parents, Iím sick of pretending, full stop. I want a break from it all and he is doing nothing to help. He may fall into the KISA category, but it is all talk and no substance.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: yes we have lived with their choices all those years, because they did not give themselves to use 100%, i now know that al the emotionaly abuse was because of her, i now know that i was a hole because of her, i now know that he was emotionally abusive to my children because of her, i now know that because of her my wh made his choice time and time again to lie, cheat and manipulate beacuse of his choice to be with her and the others...so yes their choices have affected our lives all the way through....my children, one in particular has issues with lying and doing his schoolwork, i wonder where that came from...duh , we fought all the time because of his priority issues, i wonder where that came form, duh , my sex drive took a nose dive, i wonder where that came from, duh,

ANY WS WHO TRULY THINKS THAT THEIR CHEATING DOESN'T AFFECT US HAS THERE HEADS UP THEIR PROVERBIAL ASS!!!! IT AFFECTS US BS'S, THEIR CHILDREN, EXTENDED FAMILY AND FREINDS....CHEATING AFFECTS EVERYONE BUT MOST ESPECIALLY US!!!!

pretending: unfortunately i need to pretend also, we do this to protect our parents and children!!! our parents do ont need to live with this knowledge, nor do we need to live with their feelings that would surely surface each and every time we see them.....the children, well 1 out of my 3 know, and it kills me that she has to deal with this, she will keep the secret for now, i also told her that when the boys were older the secret will come out, she shouldn't ave to deal with that burden alone....so yes we need to pretend you and i, because it would serve no purpose except to cause further pain for all involved......

i hate that you are in such pain, i don't believe for one second that you feel "flat", i believe you are hurting, as we all are! i long for indifference, there is no pain in indifference, or at least its a very different pain, more like a dim sadness....

and he is not "YOUR" kisa, thats not who is for you! you will have to be your own knight in shining armour. and you can do it too! you are a very strong woman, to get through what you have you had to be!

bottom line, they are not going to change any time soon and they are not capable of meeting our basic needs. one would hope that with ic this could change but only if they really really want it, and then they need to back it up and do the work, and put their hearts and asses out there for us. this is a hope that i am slowly letting go of, because i believe he is still driven by fear....and i don't think he can name his fear, without naming it, he can't claim it and then he can't conquer it!

much hugs to you ukgirl
(((((ukgirl)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtshirley:

yes it still SUCKS!!!


(((((hurtshirley))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He seems to think that because I didnít know and was in complete ignorance for the whole time of his confessed affair, that his choices didnít affect me, they somehow only affected him. Although he does admit that his bad temper and boorish behaviour and sniping at me was as a direct result of his fucking around with MOW. And so because of that, we should be able to build back up all that has been lost and re-establish some deeper and more connected relationship.[/quote]

Wow, UKG - how fucked up is his thinking on this one??? Sorry, I hope I haven't offended or upset you but does he not get how difficult this is? And if you are worried that he is still lying, then what exactly is he hoping to build on? I don't get the whole "notes in the margin" on those poems you're concerned with. If he is truly interested in building a deeper, more connected relationship, he'd better put on his armour (as our MC used to say) and discuss openly, honestly and completely, what those poems were all about, to whom, under what circumstances, in what frame of mind, etc., because he must know what a block they are causing you in being able to move forward at this time.
I can see how this is a dilemma for him, especially if it proves that he has been lying. What are the chances that these poems do not mean there was someone else? Is it at all possible that he was in some fantasy state writing more about something he was going through at the time? From what you've written in the past and even now, your H seems to be a frustrated poet and perhaps he was just letting out emotions and feelings and perhaps longings but had not yet acted on them. Is this possible??? I would think that some of our H's did go through a period of contemplating an A to fill the void these men all seem to have before actually jumping in and once the opportunity presented itself then they jumped in without considering the consequences.
I do hope your H sits down with you and addresses whatever questions you need answered. It is not just for you but in his own best interest to do this otherwise you will not be able to move on in your M and isn't that what he wants most of all?
(((UKG)))
ETA - I have no idea why this whole post went into a box. This is the second time this happened. I'm losing my touch.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:36 PM, May 1st (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
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Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 1st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i still didn't open the card, hell i still didn't open the valentines day card......

IWAM - Is your H the type who writes a personal note on your cards or does he just depend on Hallmark to do this for him? Being the curious type, I would want to open his cards to see if he took the time to write something personal, something meaningful on them. My H lets the card do his talking and so I get very frustrated and hurt that he doesn't say something that I know comes from him. When he has written something to me, it means so much more. Is this something that might make opening his cards more appealing to you?
As for the roses, it was a nice thought but unless they are accompanied by some other meaningful gesture, then they do tend to disappoint us, don't they?
I told my H that from now on I do not want him buying me any gifts. Any occasion that is worth celebrating will now be spent doing something together. If the goal is to build the relationship back up then spending alone time, even if it just means a quiet dinner alone, snuggling together or a weekend away, does more for me than the biggest rock ever could. They took so much time away from us and this is the one thing I require most if my H is serious about R'ing.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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