Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Tried to stop over the years and was always ashamed when he'd act out again...leading to a vicious cycle.
I'm accepting that it's something I'll simply never understand. I read something yesterday on another site (a woman I know has a company that sells "love" products -- eco-friendly lubricant, etc. and she's a firm believer that intimacy has been replaced by the "act") on forgiveness. It summed up beautifully what I'm struggling with. Forgiveness, she says, is giving up hope of a better past. That's what always trips me up. My husband has been in recovery for more than two years, he's changed for the better (and I quite liked him in the first place! ) and our relationship is much deeper.
What I hate is that I can never look back at our relationship and derive security from it or comfort from it. It was a lie from the beginning. So...I'm slowly accepting that that is just the way it is. I'm hoping that I'll get to a point where I want to begin again -- a vow renewal or something that signifies a new start and gives me a date I can circle on the calendar and celebrate annually without hypocrisy. So far, it hasn't come...but I'm working on it.
As far as learning more SA, I was almost a social worker (the career of choice for codependents and addicts I've heard) so in a weird way I find all the books interesting and very informative.
Here's another practice boundary-
If you look up nude or suggestive pics of a minor again, I will notify the proper authorities.
I can't believe I would even need to think of a boundary like that.
A few questions-
Did anyone's partner admit they had a problem after being told they didnt?
Does anyone suspect their partner is putting on pounds as a shield from having to be sexual?
I love what you said: "forgiveness is giving up hope of a better past."
There are times that I feel like I can't accept the past until I know for sure what the past was. Even though FWH tells me he has confessed everything, how realistic is it to rely on the truth from a person who lied pretty much non-stop for six years?
Makes no sense. I suspect it's my mind just trying to give me the illusion of control.
There's a part of me that is still in disbelief. I guess it's early for me. I'm barely seven months out.
I have been in AA and GSA (AA for compulsive eating) for almost 20 years and have come a long way. But there is more work to be done and I know that this whole A mess is the bell signaling that it's time for me to begin the next round of coursework in the school of life. Somebody up there must think that it's time for me to face my core intimacy issues so <surprise> I get a FWH who confesses to the "unforgivable" and is actually doing the work in order to be fully present in our marriage.
If I try to cut class the lesson will just come back in a much harsher and more painful form. So I know it's time...
I went to my first S-Anon meeting last night. There were 40 people there. I'm at the point where I can share what happened without going through a box of Kleenex. There were three other newcomers who couldn't even talk. That would have been me a few months ago.
I'm hoping that this journey through the steps in S-Anon will help me get rid of all the old paradigms, biases, automatic responses and attachments that have kept me stuck --and willing to accept relationships that don't even come close to meeting my needs.
I know that feeling of "child's play", given what else you've gone through. It's just hard to read about how much you still put up with when you deserve so much better. It's kinda like the battered wife who says, "he doesn't hurt the kids" or "he didn't hit me that hard". The simple truth is you deserve a relationship in which your needs and boundaries are respected, not violated. You'll get there. It's increasingly clear that you're on your way.
I too feel like it's time to face up to the issues and stop waiting for time to magically make everything better. I'm feeling strong enough to tackle it and my husband will participate too -- we're both going to go through the Recovery Nation steps, then sit down and discuss them for about 15 minutes following. I think that will help me feel that our recovery is more connected, rather than "this is his problem" and "that is my problem". I'm actually feeling more positive about it than I have in a while. I agree that if we don't face up to our role in it, it's bound to pop up again in another situation.
Glad to see you found your way here to this forum.
As much as it hurts you to do this 'to' him, your children come first. You know that, but it must be so conflicting for you.
These things are certainly generational. My young adult son is almost a year clean from a substance addiction. He shares with me he struggles with sex addiction like his dad. He attends the odd SAA meeting in addition to his other meeting. He's done marvelous things with his life in the past year, but he tells me constantly he needs to guard himself against falling into SA behaviours. He is getting married later this year, and he is determined not to put his wife through what his dad put his mother through. He knows about the A.
Just wanted to share that with you so you will feel more resolute in your decision regarding visitation.
I could be the poster child for how this addiction is generational. My grandfather is a probably sex addict, he has two coaddictive sexually repressed daughters. And now I'm dating a sex addict. If my partner and I make it far enough to have kids, there's gonna be a strict no porn policy as well as we'll both have to be in treatment.
OMG, I just had the worst idea today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
What if one day I'm having an emergency, and he won't answer my calls because he's in a whore/porn induced stupor???
My partner thinks that I don't think he loves me. I think he needs to be concerned about my feelings for him.
Has anybody's partner admit to having a problems after being told they didnt.
EO, you're right. I'm getting tired of him. He's had a lot of chances, and it's just the same crap again and again and again. It's just about to the point where I'm about to say treatment or else, it's me or the porn/hookers/god knows what else. He's only mad he got caught. He blameshifts...constantly. Or I'll just leave without shedding a tear. Everyone here is tired of listening to it, and I'm tired of saying it. Now it's very personal,too. Very! I'm not even sure if I want to have sex with him at this point. I'm almost to the point where I could say if he wants to whack off instead of having sex with me SO BE IT.
I'll be honest here. I'm a bit wary of going to counselors bc of that one experience. She was just another person making me out to be overbearing,snooping, and crazy.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 7:47 PM, January 6th (Tuesday)]
If I knew what I know now when I was dating my SAH, I would have ended it right then and there.
FWH and I were talking about that very thing tonight. When we married, he was looking at porn and masturbating but his father had convinced him that was perfectly normal some time before this. He even said that had he known what he knows now, he never would have invited a woman into this horribly bizarre world.
As for the food issue, when my H was on his great screwing tour, he worked out and paid attention to his weight. Now he has regained all his weight plus. We talked about whether this was his way of burying his sexual feelings, but he admitted he was incapable of thinking that deep.
We do not have a lot of history nor any kids.
As far as my partner's weight goes, I"m disappointed. I'm not mad b/c he put on the weight, it's just that he says he wants to lose weight, then he'll drink 10 beers in a sitting (that's on a bad day). Then he went out and bought a bunch of chocolates.
We're serious, but I'm afraid I'll break up with him then date another one. I'm attracted to guys with a similar background as me, and that doesn't help.
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:49 PM, January 6th (Tuesday)]
I haven't posted since Christmas week but this came to mind.
My H joined the Army over 6 months ago after going to SA meetings for a month. During the time he's been in training he's been clean and he told me his sex drive has dropped. He was home for Christmas and for the weeks he was here, most of the time we didn't have sex more than twice a day. Before and after the As he felt the need at least 3 times a day.
He had one slip up but fortunately he couldn't look at any porn because I downloaded and installed net nanny. The slip ups have become few and far between. He'll try to find a local SA meeting once we're established at his first home base.
While he's been gone my sex drive went up so his sex drive going down a little bit was somewhat dissapointing for me. I guess his sex drive dropping along with his slip ups may not necessarily be a bad thing right? I mean we're still intimate, and we'll have sex at least once a day in normal circumstances.
They say separation is a natural "aphrodisiac" and that along with the fact that we've been R'd since April of last year has contributed to my higher sex drive....
I'm sorry if this is TMI...
ldlh - no. I told my WS last visit that he was a SA, and here are my reasons why...and he never brought it up again. Not sure what it will take for him. That is why I am trying to save my own skin. Went to my 2nd COSA meeting tonight.
onceinlove--my beliefs exactly. I am supposed to be learning something here, I know if I don't, I will get whacked over the head with something even stronger next time, and I think this is about all I can take. That is why Cosa, this site, books, counseling, whatever it takes for me! And I do the overeating thing too, when I am stuffing down my feelings.
And wow, it was really interesting reading about the generational stuff--my SA husband had a SA father, who apparently taught him the ropes. His dad's dad also had some sexual problems--can you believe he took his son (my WS's dad) to a doctor when he was just a teenager to have his penis enlarged! Child abuse!
Sometimes it's b/c he drinks too much. Or he ate too much. Sometimes I wonder if he does that purposefully. But I'm sure neither one stops him from whacking off. I guess it's nicer than when he feigned an illness though.
I'm getting tested soon, and hopefully, everything will turn out ok!
[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 11:58 PM, January 6th (Tuesday)]
food addiction is the number one most common dual addiction with sex
It's also the number one way that people affected by a partner's SA comfort themselves.
I have referred many sponsees to SA/S-Anon over the years. I went to my first S-Anon meeting on Monday night. There were 40 people there. All but one were women. About 30% were significantly overweight.
Many people in GSA are either sex addicts or are in relationships with them.
Food & sex are the hardest addicitions to beat because the definition of sobriety is not black and white like it is with alcohol.
Not being able to define sobriety in black and white terms creates all sorts of controversy. That's why there are so many sex-related fellowships and food-related fellowships.
It's just like religion!
I wonder what's next. I think it's gone back to the work addiction since the A was outed. You can't even look at him when he comes home dragging home a suitcase (not a briefcase anymore) of paperwork or he will bite your head off. He tries to eat-can only eat so much now. Drinks some wine- instantly drunk and he's asleep after one glass. He won't look at anything porn/sex/chat/singles online knowing I will freak and he knows it caused him to feel agitated-but isn't the same thing with work(the agitation/biting everyone's head off)? I think it is.
I don't understand addictive people at all. I'm not a doctor. All I know is it ruins peoples lives. It's sad to love those people (includes my Mom who was an alcoholic now dying from emphysema bit by bit).
Status: Struggling Everday to
what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France
One of the requirements for R was that he get his teeth fixed and try to lose weight. When he became hurt about me mentioning those things (I had never before) I asked him to imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. What if I had screwed around for 30 years, lost all my teeth and weight 250 lbs? Would he want to R with me? He never answered but has gotten dentures and lost about 40 lbs.
If only the rest of it were that easy. He says he's working hard on his "program" but I don't see any work being done. He goes to a weekly meeting, isn't acting out (that I am aware of) and says he wants to change. I am doing the Recovery Nation workshop and feel it helps but I really don't see him doing anything but his weekly meeting and our marriage counseling.
My patience is wearing thin.
My husband's co-addiction isn't food -- it's television. He's mesmerized by it. I'm working on getting the TV out of our bedroom (moved it in after he had knee surgery and was recovering...).
Yes, life with an addict of any kind is exhausting and crazy-making. It's heartening, though, to read so many posts by those of you who are fed up and taking back their own lives. Bravo!
[This message edited by grownup at 10:11 AM, January 7th (Wednesday)]