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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lovedontlivehere,

I am sorry you were affected by SA as a child as well.

As to vacationing, if your family is not supportive and none of your girl friends can afford it, I strongly suggest you go on your own. I truly believe vacationing with your sex addicted husband who continues to act out and disrespect you is worse than not vacationing at all.

By vacationing with him, you are guaranteeing yourself further betrayals, disrespect and pain. Please stop hurting yourself and allowing him to hurt you repreatedly. I am only saying this because I care. It's your decision, of course, but think carefully. Whatever you decide, we will all be here to listen and support you.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:36 PM, January 19th (Monday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I have stood my ground, and told him that I will not kick this under the rug, and that I do believe he needs counseling. He very emphatically told me no. And said, so is this it then? And I stood my ground again, and told him, I just feel you need the counseling, there are too many problems here, and it is not healthy.

So I have not heard from him in 24 hours. He always calls me at 5:00 and he did not today. And did not respond to my message. And he called his mom last night and told her he could not do this anymore. I know I am doing the right thing, but why is this so hard? My daughter will be totally crushed, she loves him so much, and I am missing him already.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,
You are doing the right thing. He is toxic as long as he's not sober and he will not face his addiction. You don't want to live with that. You don't want to expose your daughter to that. Set your boundaries and hold firm.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Naive))) and for your your daughter ((())). Stick to your guns but tread gently and with wisdom. Keep your boundaries and wait for a bit.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,

You are very brave. It must have been difficult to stand up for yourself, but you did the right thing.

I find that I can get a clearer grasp of the situation by rephrasing the situation without jargons. The simple truths are that your husband has been unfaithful repeatedly (SA or not, though SA obviously aggravates matters), has lied about it, has refused to recognize there is a problem and refused to change, and has diregarded the well-being of you and your daughter.

I know you and your daughter will miss him. However, the alternative of staying with him in the current circumstance is NOT healthy for you or your daughter. Staying will be akin to a physically abused spouse deciding to stay with the abuser "for the sake of the family", which ironically will result in the most unhealthy and ruinous state for any famiily.

You cannot force anyone to change. Focus on the healing for yourself and your daughter.

You have our support. You are doing the difficult, but right, thing for you and your child. May you find peace and courage.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 7:47 AM, January 20th (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

I agree with the others and am proud of you for taking such a difficult, albeit healthy, stand. What you're showing your daughter is how a woman WHO RESPECTS HERSELF behaves. You're modelling the type of the behavior you hope to see in her when she faces her own hurdles in life. Your not being hurtful or selfish -- you're insisting on your and your daughter's right to relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.
However this turns out, she'll be able to have a relationship with him and be able to love him without having to deny her own knowledge of his shortcomings. She won't have that awful sense of knowing something isn't right but having to participate in the family lie that everything is "fine". She'll have learned to define her own boundaries.
You're doing the right thing, which is never to be confused with doing the easy thing.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much. I so need to keep telling myself I am doing the right thing, down deep, I know I am, I am for once listening to my intuition, I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. It helps me so much more than any of you could ever realize to hear you say I am doing the right thing, I have learned over the years to NOT trust my gut (which has gotten me into so much trouble), and my counselor also told me she feels I am taking the healthy road by listening to what my instincts say, and not doing what I "think" I am supposed to be doing for the sake of my kids or whoever. But honestly, this is probably the most painful thing I have ever done.

Thanks again for being here for me!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's painful. But it's like ripping a Band-Aid off quickly rather than pulling it slowly. More pain up front, less pain down the road.

Hang in there. Let yourself feel the pain and let your daughter feel hers. Don't assume her pain is your fault. Life isn't fair -- we all know that. But learning to deal with life's low blows defines our character and stands us in good stead whatever comes our way.

What's more, your husband is more likely to face himself when you stop "protecting" him from the consequences. It's not a guarantee...but certainly more likely.

Hang in there. We're all rooting for you.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this is my 'home' thread, so to speak, I thought I would post this here. I am taking a hiatus from this site for at least a few weeks, if not a few months. It is part of my recovery plan, which I am committing to with as much gusto as I can master. I will have some real life support in my healing, including an IC and group, so it's not as if I am leaving myself 'high and dry'. I want to try this new route towards healing. If it doesn't pan out, then I may be back sooner, but I'm going to give it a good try.

I will miss reading the posts. I feel invested in so many of your situations, wishing the best for all of you. I will also miss the great support and guidance from the learned folks in this battle. I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I feel almost as if you were right here beside me many times. Your support and/or advice has been beyond helpful; it bordered on essential and life-giving. Thank you all so much.

Blessings to all of you,

1F1B

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 6:09 PM, January 20th (Tuesday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward,

Not sure if you're still here, but I wish you well.

I think we all need to examine periodically whether these sites are promoting our healing or keeping us stuck in pain. It's healthy to take a break now and again. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEED SOME ADVICE:

My husband has only gone to ONE SA meeting in the past 3 months. Our counselor said I should "stay out of it...and leave his recovery to him and him alone". Before, I would insist he go to meetings, check to see which ones he was going to for the week, etc., quiz him about it, etc., I always felt he would go just because I wanted him to, so I decided to take our counselor's advice--stay out of it--and there it is--one meeting in 3 months.

As far as I am aware, he has not gone back to the strip club and stripper since August. He said he'd never step foot in there again, especially since we went there together and were thrown out, and the next day he wrote her a letter saying he's never coming in there again or seeing her again and that he loved his wife and made a huge mistake by ever "asking her out". I mailed it. BUT, I see no signs really that he's recovering. We cannot afford counseling since he's been unemployed now for 6 months. UGH.

What should I do?

I, in a way am merely holding my breath hoping he will not retreat back to his immoral behavior. IF he does, I'm afraid I could not deal with it. It would be a choice he made. I'm attempting to learn how to be co-dependent no more, and get my life on track but it is hard!

I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could offer.

Question: What would any of you do IF your husband went back to the stripper after 5 months???? Once again???? I've given him 18 years of chances. I have no room left in my heart to "try again" should this happen, yet I'm unemployed and would not be able to function with a home and kids without him, for financial reasons.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Ingrid

Him: WS
Me: BS
Married 19 years, 2 teens
D/Day: 5/08

[This message edited by Ingrid at 7:51 PM, January 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ingrid. I found out about my H's SA around August. I don't believe he is acting out right now, but whether he ever acts out again right now isn't relevant. I just don't like his personality--he has the "addict" personality that includes lying, secrets, blameshifting and gaslighting. It makes it not very nice to live with him.

So to me, my boundary is he gets help or I get out. I know for a fact that I will never be happy living with a guy like that.

What is important to you? What can you live with, or what is a dealbreaker for you?

I understand the financial concerns. I'm in the same boat, so I am taking steps to make sure I can go if I feel the need. I am going to a work program to learn my strengths after being a SAHM for 20 years! I am not going to stay with someone because I feel forced to stay--I can't breathe when I feel trapped somewhere I don't want to be.

There is always counseling available--no matter what your income. If he is out of work, then you could probably get FREE or LOW-COST counseling, on a sliding fee scale. Call your local health & human resources number--they will direct you.

You might want to look into a group like COSA or al-anon, to help you start taking control of your life back. It all takes time, and it can be a slow process, but it is worth looking into, and always worth building yourself up so no matter what happens, you know you will be okay.

Good luck and (((hugs)))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't like his personality--he has the "addict" personality that includes lying, secrets, blameshifting and gaslighting. It makes it not very nice to live with him.

That really hit home for me.

There is also S-Anon.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friends:

Thanks so much! I need to return to S-Anon. YES, it's what I can live with. I KNOW I could never live with him returning to his strip clubs and fav stripper, and I wonder if I can or want to live with him NOT being in recovery. This is so hard.

I asked him last night if he's been into porn, in any way since August and he said only picking up a magazine out of a dumpster when he was bottle collecting. He still feels he's got a handle on it, but I don't think he feels he even has a problem. All it would take for me would be one more episode, then our marriage would be OVER. I told him last night he's walking on shakey ground if he's not in recovery. He doesn't seem to care.

Thank you both for your responses. I know it's what I can deal with, and how to manage ME, and my life, that's the issue for all of us. While many men may be sex addicts, it's really up to all of us to determine what we want to live with, and how we deal with it.

I know for me, I shudder, as my future is uncertain. Then again, I know God will take care of me, as He will for all of you reading this.

May God Bless,


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to me, my boundary is he gets help or I get out. I know for a fact that I will never be happy living with a guy like that.

I thought this too. But, when you need him to pay the bills, you think again. This is how it is for me.

The real issue is does he want to get help? or even think he needs it?


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ingrid,

The way I look at it is this: A husband has multiple affairs or has a sex addiction. He does not recognize there is a problem. He does not want to change, let alone commit to change. He does not seek help. What are you left with? A husband that will continue to be unfaithful.

You cannot force someone to recognize they have a problem or to change. All you can do is to make a decision as to what YOU want to do about the situation.

Take care of yourself. Explore your options. Take your time and don't make uninformed or rash decisions before you have regained some mental equalibrium. By all means let your husband know your boundaries, but make sure you enforce the consequences if those boundaries are broken. After that, there is no point dragging him against his will to therapy - only he can heal himself.

Best of luck.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 1:13 PM, January 22nd (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news-I got tested today (finally). I have to abstain for 2 weeks, but not like thats been a problem the past year. I'm tired of him masturbating on me anyway.

(((((hugs)))) to all


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh - Hope everything went okay for you!!!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^Ty!

I just hope they don't have to call me back that's not good


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear lovedontlivehere:

"I'm tired of him masturbating on me anyway."

Forgive me for asking something so personal here, but may I ask you what you mean by this? You can PM me if you want. I'd really like to explore this some more. With a husband who is a sex addict, maybe we wives can really relate about this.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
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