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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone!

I have not been OK too much lately. I have gotten drunk often I guess just tonumb my feelings. Then I cry from it all. I know this is not a way to deal, but sometimes, I just can't help it. I feel so sad, hurt, angry and just sooooo overwhelmed, at times, of course not all the time, and I am not an alcoholic. I am a beautiful,smart, fun, interesting woman. Everyone else thinks so, just why doesn't my hubby? This is what makes me soooo sad inside. I found his diary I gave him, this beautiful leather bound gorgeous book, to record his thoughts when we were separated over the summer. When he moved back home and I was unpacking his stuff and saw it, what did he write in it? How he was"madly in love" with this woman......a whore mind you.........how she was sooo perfect for him in every way, blah blah, blah. Now, how could a faithful father and loving husband EVER even feel such? I just do not get it! It hurt me so much beyond belief. And I still am dealing with the pain--8 months later. I don't know what to do with the pain, when it crops up! Someone tel me.!!!

Anyway 7 yrs you said this:

"Set boundaries and consequences."

What? How???

what would some boundaries and consequences look like in my situation?

Not have sex with him unless and until he proves he's going to 3 SA meetings weekly? But what if he goes just because of this? whilst all the while not being there because HE feels he wants to get over his SA???

I just am so frustrated here.

I love my husband.

We are both Christians and feel God is the ultimate physician. My husband did tell me he prayed for God to heal him. He's also said he never wants to step foot in that gross strip club again; that it makes him sick.

But then again, here I am, waiting on pins and needles for the next time. Having a hard time trusting.

Thankssomuch everyone for writing andfor all your views.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband of nearly 20 years now said he was going thru a "mid-life crisis". And yes, I've heard about "the fog". I feel he IS out of the fog now, it's just that I have a hard time getting over all the pain he caused me.

I guess life really boils down to a choice. We can all choose to wallow in all the disappointments, or we can rise above. We can get help, choose to thrive, or we can sink.

Have been listening to Joel Osteen on TV lately. I really like his message although he's funny with too much hairspray..LOL His message is right on. Now how do you live it????


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do wonder sometimes, if I will ever trust again.


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovely Ingrid! Glad to hear you again. Keep in mind that people choose their midlife crisis. They may be thinking about their life BUT they choose how they act. You are entitled to your pain even if he feels he is past his. He needs to own to the damage he has caused you and that it doesn't go away in a blink.
Why does he keep those pages in the journal if he is done his "crisis"?

I checked out the website on boundaries and it is good. Also look at Melody Beattie's new book, The New Codependence.
Ideas:
What do you never want to damage you again? What can he do to reduce causing you further pain or suffering? Do you feel you need some way to have know you have full disclosure? Does he know how he wants to deal with his future compared to how you want to deal with yours? Have you gone through a period of abstaining or jumped right back into the fire? Do you want an opportunity to heal before you are sexual with him. Are you looking for sexuality or comfort or both?
Lots of questions, eh?

Take some time. Do some reading or web browsing. Write it down. Are you journalling for yourself?

www.joy2meu.com has a great section on personal boundaries

[This message edited by grownup at 3:09 PM, January 26th (Monday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 26th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway 7 yrs you said this:

"Set boundaries and consequences."

What? How???


Ingrid

Here is most of what I wrote again. Read the whole thing and you'll find a link to an excellent website where you can learn about boundaries and consequences. You have to do the WORK. I'm not going to tell you what boundaries and consequences to set, you have to do this work for yourself. It's FOR you, it has to come FROM you.

While it is true that you cannot force him to seek treatment you do have a right to SET A BOUNDARY regarding that and that you need to set a consequence for him not respecting your boundary.

Read this web page:
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page14.html

Then read it again.

And again.

Again.

You have to set boundaries and consequences and you HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH ... and ... you have to surrender the outcome.

You asked how to get past the pain? You don't. You get counseling and you work on yourself and over time the pain will ease. You never get past it. I'm not past it. It's still there but it just doesn't have the power it once had.

Set boundaries and consequences.

Get into counseling with a good therapist who understands codependence and being the spouse of a sex addict.

Take care of YOURSELF and let him be responsible for himself.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Ingrid,

I am glad that you are posting and sharing your pain.

At the risk of repeating myself, I urge you to focus on YOURSELF. You have been betrayed and hurt. You exhibit physical reactions, which are normal but acute (e.g. insomnia and anxiety attacks). You are not able to perform daily functions.

Most worrisome of all, you are turning to an addictive substance yourself (alcohol). You may think your drinking is under control, but note the parallel that your husband also thinks (or thought) that his acting out is under control. The stress and the underlying cause will still remain after you drink.

Yes, set boundaries, but leave your husband's recovery to him. It is his battle to fight. Don't make matter worse for yourself, for him and for your family by compounding your husband's sex addiction with alcoholism. Speak with your family physician and counsellor to regain some measure of physical health and emotional stability. Stop relying on alcohol or other addictive substances to deal with stress.

You are in my thoughts.

With lots of love,
birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all....

I do plan to take some time to read through all the posts, but I wanted to update you.

This past weekend, we attended the Couple's Workshop with Drs Ginnie and Paul Hartman. Amazing. If any of you have the opportunity to attend, I would hightly recommend! Their web site is: www.pathwaytohealing.com.

The resutls? SAH is going to go to meetings!!! (Real big deal) and start seeing a CSAT counselor!!! I have called S-Anon to find a f2f meeting in our area.

I feel so very hopeful!!!


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB,

Great news!!!

((((Ingrid))))


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAH is going to go to meetings!!! (Real big deal) and start seeing a CSAT counselor!!! I have called S-Anon to find a f2f meeting in our area.

OLB, that's AWESOME!! I wish you both all the best as you get on the path of recovery!


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLB- that is so wonderful--I am so glad he is taking some responsibility, that is a great step!

Mine still won't. In fact, right now he isn't talking to me, because when he called last night at 9:00, I was on the computer, and it took me 2 minutes to disconnect (dial-up), and call him back, and he was mad, because I am supposed to wait by the phone from 9 to 9:30 and not get on the computer. So he hung up on me, and didn't call me this afternoon. I think he is regressing back to his 2's.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 27th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All:

I have tried to read through all the posts -- lots going on around, huh?

I would just like to encourage all to set your boundries and stick to them - for YOU!

The topic last night at the online COSA group was "What did you do good for yourself today?" So - what are you going to do for yourself nice tomorrow????

I'll start:
I am going to go to the gym!!!


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe we need to do a daily FANOS thread.

F = feeling
A = affirmation
N = need
O = ownership
S = self-care (or sobriety if you're doing a 12-step through S-Anon or what ever and have a "sobriety" date like when you stopped checking up on him compulsively etc.)

Let's see my FANOS today would be:

Feeling: I'm feeling down. My car died and other stresses are weighing on me.

Affirmation: I love all the support I see on SI.

Need: I need to get some friggin' sleep!

Ownership: I got snippy with rSA over something stupid and should have apologized sooner.

Self-care: Ugh. I suck at self care. Maybe that's what I should have said for ownership. I need to work on self-care more and take better care of myself and my stuff.

If this takes off, maybe I can post a daily thread in Inspirations (I think that'd be okay wouldn't it?) and everyone would know to go there to look for it. Then it wouldn't clutter up this thread. What do you all think?
I loved doing FANOS in my Spouses of SA group.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling: went to my first Sanon meeting so I feel overwhelmed

Affirmation:I have great friends that are assisting me with breaking from codependence

Need: Oh, please let me sleep through the night just once this month

Ownership:I am way to desperate to want someone to care for me

SelfCare/Sobriety: I went to my first SANON meeting


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH just spent the better part of 3 hours trying to convince me that I'm being irrational by "not accepting him for who he is." Because "he doesn't ask me to change who I am..." I am so not taking that crap right now. He is a master at the mind-f*ck, making me feel like I'm being unreasonable by not wanting to have threesomes and wifeswap with him. As he puts it, "he would much rather do it with me there."

He went to a psychiatrist ONCE. And now he doesn't want to go back because he doesn't want a record indicatting that he's crazy or has a problem. So I convinced him to do the online self-poll on sexhelp.com. It came up as an 11 out of 20, says he's a sex addict, with this additional info:

The SAST measures key characteristics of addiction. The following dimensions of an addictive disorder appeared in your answers:
A profile consistent with men who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior
A profile consistent with sex addicts who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior on-line

Preoccupation: obsessive thinking about sexual behavior, opportunities, and fantasies
Loss of control: inability to stop behavior despite commitments to self and others and despite problems caused by behavior
Relationship disturbance: sexual behavior has created significant relationship problems
Affect disturbance: significant depression, despair, or anxiety over sexual behavior

And then he walked away, shrugged, and said, "So? I'm a man." and laughed.

I am SO not willing to be around for another A and another OC if he doesn't pull his sh*t together - and FAST.

[This message edited by island_girl at 5:30 AM, January 28th (Wednesday)]


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - I think that is a great way for people to stay in touch with themselves, while going thru all this. If you put it in inspirations, just let me know. We do something like this at COSA too, and I like it.

F = feeling - Feeling sad right now, and a little nervous, because big problems with WS SA, and I am getting more and more sure I have to leave him.
A = affirmation - I have gotten great support from here and COSA and my family.
N = need - I need to work harder at being self-sufficient.
O = ownership - I also have a desperate need to have someone in my life, to talk to and to feel loved.
S = self-care - I am going to exercise this afternoon.

island girl- yours sounds emotionally abusive, like mine is. (It has taken me months to come to terms that I have ended up in another abusive relationship). He is trying to discredit your own feelings and trying to change you into who he wants, not being accepting of who you are.

I realized that about mine the past couple days. He fell in love with me on our first date. Told me he was going to marry me on our 3rd.
And I realize, he wasn't in love with "me". He was in love with the image of me he had in his mind--of who he wanted me to be. That is where all of our problems come in, when I don't react the way he thinks I should to a particular gift he gives--that is because he is not giving the gift to make me happy. He is giving it to make himself feel good, and he has a preconceived notion of how I am supposed to react. When I don't (how could I react the way he thinks I am supposed to, when I am not inside his mind), then he takes it as rejection.

Same thing about this crap with me having to sit by the phone every day for a half hour waiting for his call. 5:00 is when I am out running errands or taking the kids somewhere. And he gets mad if he calls me and I am on my cellphone and somewhat distracted because I am driving or shopping. I am not supposed to have a life of my own. It is supposed to completely revolve around him.

Asshole. I am getting angry now, so I will quit this post.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH just spent the better part of 3 hours trying to convince me that I'm being irrational by "not accepting him for who he is." Because "he doesn't ask me to change who I am..." I am so not taking that crap right now

I've gotten something similar. Then if that isn't working he'll say something like-

"You're the one I love"
"I love you"
"You're the one I'm with"

He'll also tell me that he doesn't snoop around on me (I don't cybercruise like he does) like I do to him and that he lets me have a lot of freedom. He makes it a point of saying that he doesn't try to change me.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 8:48 AM, January 28th (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
island_girl
Member
Member # 22616
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does the, "I accept everything about you, why can't you accept everything about me?" guilt trip. The "I don't know if you really love the whole person I am. Even the SA (but he's not admitting it now) part?"

He wants to stay married, he wants to have threesomes/affairs, and he doesn't want to go to counseling. All of those things are not going to happen, because if either the 2nd and 3nd do, the first isn't.

Last night, I just let him talk and talk. And the whole time I was thinking that it doesn't look like there's any hope for real change. He accuses me of bringing up his threesome desires more often than it happened, but I've journaled about some of them. I KNOW they have been happening consistently and he's never been willing to go to counseling, until now - now he sometimes is. He blames it all on me being raised in a strict religion, holding back. Religion has nothing to do with it.

He accuses me of being in "control" in our relationship. I never felt like I was in control. I sometimes insist upon things - like not agreeing to his sexual demands. But that's not being in control. That's just knowing when to say when.

ARG!! I'm just so ANGRY at him right now. And yes, NA, he probably is emotionally abusive. I just hadn't ever thought of it that way until lately. I am also feeling like divorce might be my only option. He's half-a$$ing fixing this. And this can't be half-a$$ed. And honestly, I'm not really sure how long I am willing to wait around for him to realize that this IS a problem.


Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. - Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jan 2009
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! I can't tell you all how truly grateful Iam for each and everyone of your responses! Thank you. Wish you were all here with me now for coffee clutch!

I do think a thread needs to be started for all of us, suffering with the affects.

Is there one? If so, please tell me.

I know I need to start thinking about ME but it's dang hard once you've been married for nearly 20 years to a SA!!!! Dang and then dang again!!!!

At times I've been a complete "shopalcolic" when we've had money, then again, I've been an alcoholic, then again, I've been an exercise-alcoholic, always doing something to ease the pain. I've never really thought about me, and just "being". Although I did over the summer when hubby was moved out. Then I actually thought about myself. It felt good. I would like to do it now that hubby is back home, but how?

I must honestly say, my SA husband seems to be out of his foggy state, and for that I am so glad, BUT, as Dr. Phil says, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". This does have me worried.

I am confident now, (8 months later now) that my husband did not have sex with the stripper. This may have made things so much worse. And quite frankly, I don't know how some of you do it, knowing your husband's have had multiple affairs. I don't think I could make it, in that case. BUT, then again, I realize one situation is not any worse/better than another. We are all just trying to survive/trying to keep our families together, and this we must all do. I feel, keeping our families together, is crucial.!!!! And we can do it!!!!!

I urge everyone reading this who has kids, to think of this fact today. Pope Benedict XVI has said the family is the crucial unit of society. I heartily agree. Even it means some pain along the way. Click here to watch the latest message and may God Bless every fellow mom out there today. I'm with you! From one mom to another--God Bless

http://www.youtube.com/vatican

[This message edited by Ingrid at 3:09 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say, how common it is for our SA spouses to lay the "you're too controlling" trip on us. This is classic, from I have learned in counseling, in S-Anon and elsewhere. Do not believe it. Not even for one minute. It is a classic way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their lives.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Invictus:

You said:

"I do wonder sometimes, if I will ever trust again."

I wonder the same friend.

Guess the answer to this is yes and no. Yes, we make the choice to trust again, but no, if our husbands are not doing anything to earn our trust back.

I feel your pain friend, I'm there too, in your sentiments. I guess that is why my sister,other friends,pastor and so many others have told me to give up on my marriage. They have said, "how could you ever trust him again"???? I guess to me, I've decided to give it one more chance, how about you???


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
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