Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elaine311 (43215)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had a real disconnect with the kids when he was acting out (before I knew anything). I just couldn't understand why he couldn't see and appreciate what a great family he had. He was short-tempered with them (and me!), and preferred just about anything to spending time with us. Now he can acknowledge that he felt such anger at himself and shame that he took it out on us. And yes, he's willing to do what it takes....but that's after close to 12 years of acting out. By the time I found out, he had pretty much hit his bottom. The thrill was giving way to so much stress that he feared a breakdown. He was involved with his assistant who was increasingly demanding...but he felt powerless because she held the trump card of exposing him. By the time I found out, he KNEW he needed help and any perceived benefits of his SA were far outweighed by the costs. And that was even before I found out. Factor in the possibility of losing his family and he recognized what was truly important to him. I think if I had confronted him or found out earlier what he was up to, he would have been far less open to admitting it was problem and far less eager to get help for himself.
In the meantime, do what you can to protect yourself and your kids physically and emotionally. I did tell my kids that daddy had a problem that had nothing to do with them, but was requiring all his attention and energy...but that he loved them. In the meantime, I tried to be both parents to them. You can't protect them from what they see/know but you can acknowledge their feelings and allow them their pain and confusion -- something that will go a long way toward preventing them from becoming SA or co-dependent when they're older. It's not the feelings that necessarily create the problems, it's the denial of those feelings.
Hang in there. You're doing the best you can today...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need Help?

My WS had to leave our home (seperate) NC broken constant lying and our counselor said he may have a Sex Addiction. This is new to me. He liked dirty sex, talk with OW said she was like a prostitute. WE have had HB but he still had phone sex 2x with OW over the last 4 Mos. He has drank alot in the past, pot, drugs, he was molested by his brother which is coming out in counseling. Can someone help me with this Sex addict thing... Thanks


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Aries and many ((()))
This is a fantastic place for help and understanding. Lay out a few questions for people to respnd to and it will grow from there. I'm new still but there are some very knowledgeable people here. There is also some great reading material on sex addiction.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aries,

7 yrs is the "expert" on this thread -- hopefully she'll weigh in with her hard-won wisdom.

Start by doing some reading. There's lots on the Web -- Patrick Carnes is the acknolwedged pioneer in the area of SA and very measured and intelligent. He has a number of books available.

And by all means, ask specific questions and we'll all do our best to answer.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
onceinlove
♀ Member
Member # 19874
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was involved with his assistant who was increasingly demanding...but he felt powerless because she held the trump card of exposing him.

EO, this was almost exactly my FWH's situation.

He said that he would start the relationships for the sexual "fix" and then want to end the relationship when the AP started demanding more time or emotional involvement. And, of course, emotional involvement is NOT what SAs are looking for.

My FWH had six APs. #1,2,3 & 6 were all direct reports in his organization.

#4 was a bank teller at in the city where he worked (It must been a real turn on for OW#4 to see the account balances and my name on the screen when she was interacting with her new fuck buddy!)

#5 was someone he picked up in a bar.

Of course, it was never that simple to just end the relationship with any of them. The AP would start making threats, some subtle, some not.

At the time, FWH was an executive with a large multi-national company and his biggest fear was losing his job.

All the APs from his workplaces threatened to tell me and/or company executives.

It just goes to show how irrational the disease of SA can make people. You take crazy risks that virtually guarantee that the things you fear most will eventually happen.

And you can't stop.

I have to keep telling myself that his SA is no different than my own food addictions. I haven't eaten compulsively in 15 years but I remember vividly what it was like to want to diet, to promise to diet, to swear on my daughter's life that I wouldn't pig out today--and then I would pig out anyway.

I know what it's like to be enslaved and I also know what it's like to be freed from that slavery.

One of the reasons I haven't run is that I'm hoping that what happened for me can happen for him. It will--but only if he is willing to do the work.


Him: WH 48
Me:BS 48
M: 17 years
D-Day: June 17, 2008
WH confessed to 6 APs over 6 yrs, including 2 LTAs; now in SA recovery--approaching 2.5 years of sobriety
Status: R


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Southeast US
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aries61 and Grownup,

I am sorry you have been affected by SA and I hope you can find some comfort here.

Since you have been affected by infidelity (whether or not SA is in the picture) only recently, you will likely experience acute emotional reactions. Make sure you,

* Eat healthily and stay hydrated.

* Get tested for all STDs.

* If you must engage in sexual activities with your husband, use a condom.

* See your doctor for medication for anxiety, insomnia, depression or other symptoms, if appropriate.

* See a counsellor for yourself.

* While you may be reluctant to share your plight with everyone, make sure you do seek support.

* Be gentle with yourself.

As to sex addiction, there are excellent materials by Dr. Patrick Cairns, an expert in the field. There are also materials on infidelity and even grief in generally, which I have found helpful.

A Certified Sex Therapist can diagnosed your husband. There are also on-line questionnaires, which may give you an idea. In general, a sex addict:

* engages in inappropriate sexual activities.

* uses sex to deal with negative feelings and stress.

* either denies there is a problem, or recognizes there is a problem but is unable to stop (like an alcoholic who is unable to stop drinking).

* feels shame and guilt.

* may experience other addictions (e.g. food, alcohol, etc.).

The addiction cycle is as follows: feels stress or "bad" --> uses sex to numb or handle these feelings --> feels ashamed and guilty about the acting out --> uses sex to numb or handle these feelings --> etc. etc.

It is important to realize that you cannot force someone to recognize he has a problem, and you cannot force someome to change. Your husband needs professional help. In the beginning, you should focus on your own healing, not your spouse's. You should also set boundaries with appropriate consequences attached. It is up to your spouse to get sober.

Later on, when you are in a better emotional position, and when your husband is sober (or in the process of getting sober), then you and your husband can have meaningful discussions about rebuilding the relationship, hopefully with the help of a marriage counsellor.

Finally, it is generally said that no big decisions should be made in the first year. You have the right to take your time to proces the information and to regain sufficient emotional stability to make any important decisions.

My thoughts are with you. Post as much as you wish.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aries,

Following my earlier post, I echo Eternaloptimist that you may find it more helpful to post lots of specific questions, instead of one broad question.

Either way, though, we are here to listen and share.

Lots of love,
birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

birdwatch has made some really good points re. getting help for yourself. I remember reading in one of Carnes' books that spouses of addicts often try to "manage" their spouse's recovery, which allows them to NOT focus on their own healing. I was doing exactly that. I was using ultimatums, etc. to insist on behavior instead of doing what I needed to do...

onceinlove,
It's good that you're able to understand addiction. Frankly, I don't and I tend to be impatient with addicts -- though I've spent much of my life ensuring I'm surrounded by them.
My husband also had many partners over the years... The stress he must have experienced trying to keep his life "secret" must have been horrible. That's the part I don't understand -- how it could have been worth it.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And wow, it was really interesting reading about the generational stuff--my SA husband had a SA father, who apparently taught him the ropes. His dad's dad also had some sexual problems--can you believe he took his son (my WS's dad) to a doctor when he was just a teenager to have his penis enlarged! Child abuse!

Oh my...

Come to think, my partner can get really into video games. I might wake up at 3 am. He's not there. He might be playing games (he has played games to the point where he has blisters on his hand). Sometimes he playing games on the net, though I don't think that's all he'd be doing.

If I had to guess a co-addiction for me for sure, I think I'd go with alcohol. As a younger guy, he had a DUI or two. He was court mandated to go to counseling. He doesn't do the drinking + driving thing anymore though.

IA with the weight thing in partners. I keep losing weight. I think when all is said and done I'll be a size 0.

I think my partner is doing what he can to skirt around the rules. He buys these movies, not really porn, but sexually suggestive. I think he's doing that so I can't say anything or if I do I look really overbearing. Even watching movies or celebs is an issue. I'm still hurting from when he said he'd leave me for a certain celeb. And sometimes he just looks at the actresses like they are pieces of meat. Ok now I know he has eyes, but I'd appreciate it if they stayed in his head! Maybe here and there he'll go further and hint that he'd like to have sex with them, in my presence nonetheless. Am I overreacting???

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 5:34 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. It's amazing how this thread explodes with numerous posts now and then. It's wonderful for those of us who do not have access to a real live support group. This place (SI) and this thread in particular have been a life-saver for me.

In reference to over-eating:

It's also the number one way that people affected by a partner's SA comfort themselves.

This was certainly my number one co-addiction. Early on in the marriage I had found 'girly' magazines (that was the outlet of choice when we were newlyweds) off and on. Of course, I didn't realize that there was no real intimacy in our relationship at that time. I just equated sex with intimacy. But looking back, I realize that it was just sex. My SA was far too disconnected during the act to call it 'making love'.

In addition, I had found out on our honeymoon that my H had slept with another women a few times while we were engaged. We were separated by distance due to circumstances at the time. I was expected to 'get over' this revelation immediately. He even blamed me for it in a roundabout way. I guess I carried that around with me for many years as well.

I began an A with food. I remember sneaking to the store to buy numerous chocolate bars, stuffing myself with them and then wanting to barf. The hiding of the snacks made it so much better. Now I realize what that was, but at the time, it baffled and disturbed me deeply.

Grownup and eternaloptimist, I hope you saw my quotation marks around the comments about grownup's husband feeling she was doing this 'to' him. I would hate to think either of you or anyone else here thought I was implying otherwise.

He said that he would start the relationships for the sexual "fix" and then want to end the relationship when the AP started demanding more time or emotional involvement. And, of course, emotional involvement is NOT what SAs are looking for.

This is so true for my SA. I ended that relationship in one second. He told my sister that I literally saved him by finding out and confronting him. He did not know how to get out of the A. He said he began to hate the sound of her voice etc. yet was unable to end it. He was almost afraid of her, and likened his relationship with her as a beekeeper trying to keep his hives in order.

Our IC (now fired, but still gave us lots of good stuff) told us that many SAs have the type of personality that makes them unable to end relationships. They look to the A partner or anyone else to do it for them. In our marriage, I have always been the 'bad guy'. SAs look to their partners to be this for them. They cannot stand to have anyone see them as anything but wonderful, especially women, and will allow their loved one to look bad FOR them. Interesting thought, huh?


[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 6:36 PM, January 7th (Wednesday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward,

I understood your point with grownup's post. I always appreciate the wisdom and compassion in your posts.

And yes, my husband too let the women break off anything -- he could have cared less but didn't like the messiness of doing it himself. They either died on their own or the women called it off. For the most part, though, my husband's partners of choice were anonymous encounters in which they exchanged nothing more than body fluids (sorry -- that was gross. True, but gross. ) It's just so bizarre to me. I sometimes find myself wondering if this is really my life or if I've imagined the whole thing. Seems so apart from my day-to-day life...

Speaking of which, putting kids to bed right now. Better get back to it.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband's partners of choice were anonymous encounters in which they exchanged nothing more than body fluids (sorry -- that was gross. True, but gross. ) It's just so bizarre to me.

Hee!! My FWH would have given anything to have contributed body fluids to the encounters. Poor guy. He could not produce any. Each woman asked him why and he gave them some song and dance about him having medical/physical issues that prevented it. Partial truth, but the reality is the last time this man ejaculated with a woman was with me in the latter part of 1993.

When you masturbate that compulsively every day for years, you have no bodily fluids left.

It cracked me up when he related to me how his A partner assured him he did not need ED drugs and that he would ejaculate with her because she was such a bomb. He did not have his meds with him the first time they tried it. He had to go back to his hotel room and take his ED meds. He met up with her again after taking them and she was AMAZED at the difference. Of course she told him that he was *bigger* than anyone else that she had ever had and the lover of the century. When he told me this, I responded, "Well she must have slept with pygmies up to that point." Sorry, but I refused to feed into that SA ego. :-)

Now how's that for TMI!!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone,

I remember asking this question half a year ago, but now that I'm 10 months out, I would very much like to hear your experiences again:

(1) How often do you go to IC?

(2) How has the frequency of your IC changed since D Day (e.g. did you go once a week for the first 3 months, then cut back to once every two weeks for the next 2 months?)?

(3)How often does your spouse go to IC?

(4) How has the frequency of your spouse's IC changed since D Day?

(5) How often do you and your spouse go to MC?

(6) How has the frequency of your MC changed since D Day?

(7) At my ICs, I find that I simply keep on rambling, session after session, recyling the same feelings (I am soooo angry at OW! I am so humiliated! I do not trust anyone anymore! There is no justice in this world! booo hooo booo hooo). How do I know if this is actually helping me? What is the point of these sessions?

Thank you very much in advance for your thoughts!

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
thetruthwins
♀ Member
Member # 21722
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


At my ICs, I find that I simply keep on rambling, session after session, recyling the same feelings (I am soooo angry at OW! I am so humiliated! I do not trust anyone anymore! There is no justice in this world! booo hooo booo hooo). How do I know if this is actually helping me? What is the point of these sessions?

You need a new IC! If you can't feel in a PALPABLE way how your IC is helping you, you need to find someone who does. Therapist is massively subjective, and they differ widely. Go test drive a few therapists.


Me BS age 40
Him WH age 41
Son age 5
ONS on 10/31, DDay 11/1 but problems with prior deceit, porn addiction, general compulsiveness. I wouldn't let him come home on DDay.
Update: He's in IC! Yay! Moved home 11/26, things are going great. Whew!

Posts: 656 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: the here and now
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch & EternalOptimist and anyone else who can help.

My husband broke NC He just doesn't know why he couldn't stop he feels this woman had power over him in his head.

He is making a list of all the OW for MC on Fri. Since Sept he has told me of 3 and I have a feeling there are more.

He isn't into porn that I know one computer in the home and it's totally clean. A few girlie mags and one video. But he did mention that in the past before A he masterbated alot!!! If It were on a Fri he would be spent for the w/e for me. He has problems with PE.

He hurt me and the kids for two phone calls with dirty talk from OW. Fantasy talk. He just cries that he doesn't know whats wrong with him and why he does this. Is it the Fog or SA.

He is now living at my brothers and begging to come home, but I have set boundaries and he's broken them. He has consequenses.

He did say that it was like a drug. He would meet her for a half hour. Once the "fix" was done he couldn't wait to get away. He says his head thought he was in love, but his heart said no and he was never leaving me.

He has only been gone for two days and is begging to come home. He is only 47 and has to use over the counter enhancements/now we have a rx for Levitra. Which we have had alot of HB. But he still listened to sex talk from OW like a drug and she knows it.

He is writing everything done and he say he is coming clean on Friday. Does any of this sound like SA.

Oh he confronted OW told her he hated her, and that he didn't love her right in from of me. It's like he was having a hard time breaking it off and he had to humilate her so she'll go away because he can't stop. thanks for any support I am devasted to the core.

I have a beautiful 16 dtg who can't figure out why her dad is not at home.


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple things I forgot he has always been a heavy drinker, many anger problems. He has reduced his alcohol to almost zero. Lost 30lbs. He has also used drugs in the past. Recreational


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple things I forgot he has always been a heavy drinker, many anger problems. He has reduced his alcohol to almost zero. Lost 30lbs. He has also used drugs in the past. Recreational


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
aries61
♀ Member
Member # 21109
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok its official he has an SA he took an online test. MC is tommorrow and he is going to confess all. I need to find support groups. He wants to come home now. What are the odds of him back sliding due to the addiction. He needs to go to the Doctor for ADs. What else should I do. Can he come home sleep in other room? Should I keep boundaries no coming home until we start the therapy process. Someone please help. He is reassuring me he is over OW and will not contact her. He admits he is a SA and wants all the help he can get. Do these addicts always backslide, lie, cheat etc. Like a meth addict?Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111


Me (BS) 48
H (WS)47 (Broken)
Two girls 17 & 20
Married 21 Years
Trying to Reconcile
MC and Ic
D-day 09/08 LTA

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: florida
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aries,
Do what your gut tells you to do. If you feel he needs to do some SA or SAA meetings and IC before he comes home then tell him that and stick to it. If you can live with him in the same house/another room if he's going to meetings and IC then tell him that. The big one is you have be ready to back up the boundaries.

The MC should be able to help guide you through that decision and give him some resources that he can do ON HIS OWN.

What you tell your daughter should be discussed at MC. When my H and I separated we worked out with the MC what/how much we'd tell our kids (adults).

The ball is in his court.
Make him put on his big boy pants and YOU do what is best for you and your daughter.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aries61,

I am at work but wish to respond. So pardon any spelling mistakes, etc.

It is early stage for you. Even if your husband is not a SA, but has "simply" cheated, it would have been devastating in itself. Please recognize that.

Your post mentioned several themes, i.e. will HE recover, HE seems remorseful, HE wants to come home. I stand by my earlier post that you should look after yourself first. Stop and ask, will YOU recover, YOU feel hurt, betrayed, scared, overwhelmed and angry, YOU want to have space right now. It took me a long time in the beginning to recognize I am not being fair to myself by thinking about HIM, HIS recovery, HIS needs, without spending 1/100th of that time to take care of ME. Have you seen your doctor for STD tests and possible medication? Have you seen a counsellor? Are you trying to eat well?

For your husband, the recognition of a problem, acceptance that he has an addiction, willingness to be involved in a painful process of discovery, commitment to stay sober, commitment to regain trust and development of a healthier lifestyle takes time. The journey also involves many ups and downs. He will go through emotional hell himself (e.g. re-living any childhood or previous trauma or abuse; confronting his inappropriate behaviour and "unbeautiful" self; enduring any compulsion; overcoming shame, guilt and self-loathing; dealing with the practical aftermaths of all the affairs (e.g. dealing with angry OWs and their spouses, receiving unsoliciated calls or emails from OWs); and resolving other life issues, including any other addictions. There is no one path common to all. It is an emotional roller coaster.

One thing is certain. Your husband needs professional help. I have never heard of any SA who can go cold turkey or deal with it himself/herself. This is NOT marriage counselling. He needs an IC, preferrably a Certified Sex Therapist, as well as group therapy if available.

You should speak with your MC to discuss how much to disclose to your teenage children. For those of you on this Thread who have children, did your children see an IC themselves to allow them the opportunity to discuss their feelings?

Finally, whether you wish your husband to return him is your decision. There are practical issues to consider (e.g. finances and legal), as well as your well-being and your children's. If you are not comfortable with his presence, you have every right to let him know and he has an obligation to respect your wishes. In the case where he "forces" himself into the house, you obviously cannot physically remove him. That is outside your control (unless there are legal justifications for you to prevent him from moving back in). In that case, you have a choice to move out yourself (presumably with your children).

Sorry I have to go, but I hope this post at least gives you some food for thoughts.

Best of luck. I am thinking of you.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 8:06 AM, January 8th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.