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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The new weekly FANOS thread is up in Inspirations.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Red  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, please use this thread for that activity. We created this forum just for this purpose.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what if others would like to participate?? It's good exercise for anyone dealing with infidelity and trauma.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

????
Okay. Today, he called at 1. We talked for 4 hours! Said he can't sleep anymore, and has done nothing but think about this stuff for the past 2 weeks. He has been thinking about all the stuff I have been saying to him. At first, he started with this -You think you are Dr Phil crap again.

But then, he finally said, I know I have a problem.
He asked me to give him some time to think about all this, and figure out how he wants to deal with it. He went pretty deeply into his childhood. Said he is working out his childhood stuff on his own. Said he has been crying and actually thrown a few things, remembering stuff, and he told me stuff that I can't believe would happen in a family home--it is pretty awful.

We talked a lot about his dysfunctional family. He is so embarrassed about them.

I think this is the first time in his life he has ever thought about what has made him this way. And admitted it is not normal.

I'm not sure what is going to happen yet, he did say if I catch him in one more thing, he will seek outside help, but right now, wants to work on things himself for a bit.

I don't exactly have someone else waiting in the wings , and nowhere to go, and no job yet, so I am willing to wait a little, to see what happens here, but I am going on with getting my resume done this Thursday, and still looking into a job for me. But I am terribly interested now in what he is finding out; we have never had such a deep or truthful talk in all our 5 years.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, February 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, That's so great!!!! That's the first step admitting there is a problem!!! YAY!!

And you know, putting yourself first and finding a job and all that....that's something that should happen anyway. I'm going to be serioiusly looking at getting my ducks in a row this year. I'm not leaving my SAH right now, but I don't know what's going to happen. This is his last chance, so I have to find a way to support me and 3 girls. I don't want to depend on him for $ anymore because he's jeopardizing his job by looking(?) at porn at work. He has in the past so I hope he's not doing it now.

Anyway, I'm glad that he's finally admitted he has a problem.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, I'm glad he's admitting he has issues.

I did a little digging, and I found out that the picture is from a few years ago. He dug it up. I guess he had to since I cut him off poor baby.

I also found out that he was using more than I thought around the time of my miscarriage, and he continued to use for months afterward. No surprise. Well, it's nice to see that one of us was having the time of our lives. This is going to be a sore spot for me for a long time b/c I remember feeling so alone, and he doesn't apologize for it either.

He has 15 folders of porn plus pictures of various women. And he wonders why his computer doesn't have much space left. I didn't know people actually saved that stuff to their pc let alone 15 folders worth.

Sometimes I try to tell myself it's not really that bad.

And I'm still trying to figure out-how come he can masturbate to porn for hours, but I'm doing good if I get 15-20 min of sex. I'll just assume that he's much more aroused by porn than by me.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 12:09 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA -

That is really good news. At last if he's not totally owning his stuff yet, at least he's starting to look at it seriously.

I guess having been thru some of this myself, I just would put a couple of notes of caution in.

Remember, you already know he's an addict, whether he has admitted it or not. Be careful that this new epiphany doesn't fizzle into him just buying more time to manage you instead of his addiction. Don't be fooled by revelations too soon, my H would throw a crumb to me and try to convince both of us real change had taken place. You can see real change. If it is simply manipulating for more time on his part, you will see no action and no change.

The second thing that concerned me a little was this:

I'm not sure what is going to happen yet, he did say if I catch him in one more thing, he will seek outside help, but right now, wants to work on things himself for a bit
.

If he's serious, why don't you suggest that he seeks outside help if he does one more thing, whether you catch him or not? If he's had this real epiphany, and he wants to try working on it himself, HE will know that he failed to do this whether you catch him or not.

Now, whether you really expect him to honestly hold himself to that is not the entire point. It seems he wants to pass the accountability torch to you and your ability to CATCH him, maybe pass that back. Also, I'm not saying don't monitor and verify, because I expect you will have to catch him, but his lack of accountability to himeself and you will be evident then.

NA, you're doing well. This journey sucks. I really hope the road leads to somewhere wonderful

((((((NA)))))))

[This message edited by JustWow at 6:14 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all, Just Wow, yeah, that was kind of a funny phrase. I shouldn't have to catch him, I will ask him about that tonight. I am happy though, that he has taken a lot of steps on his own to work on this.

I honestly still think counseling would be a good idea, or at least a 12 step program, or recovery nation or something, but he was talking about how everytime he has talked his feelings, he has been betrayed by someone, and I kind of get his fear --and this is a lot for him, to even admit.
It is a FIRST step. And I am going to keep working on me, in the meantime, and I will not take steps to move in with him just yet either, which I told him.

If it is simply manipulating for more time on his part, you will see no action and no change.

I know I will feel it, when he is different. Yesterday's conversation felt different--but you know what, there is more to this. I want the blameshifting stopped. I want the lying stopped. I want the other unhealthy behaviors stopped too. I want the whole package (I am feeling greedy these days).

I am so happy he is looking into his problems, but honestly, this is weird, but I don't feel horribly excited about living with him again at this point. I am kind of hesitant, so I know this is going to take some time. He put me thru a lot, and I think I am also going to have to feel that he truly truly gets that also.

ETA: Oh, I am in such shock, I forgot yesterday to mention he is coming up with ideas for total transparency. He is taking me to the place he bought the phone, and going to tell the guy we need an internet block, because I caught him with some bad stuff on the internet, and I am worried about that, and rightfully so (his words!). I can't believe he would acknowledge that to a store clerk!

And he is going to save all his cell phone and cable bills for me.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:19 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, NA, that sounds great!


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
heartbroken61
♀ New Member
Member # 22717
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to the site so i hope I'm doing this right. My husband has been cheating on me for years and after 25 years of marrage I have decided to end it. I am so sad that my family is being broken up.I just need some support.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2009
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken, I'm going to repost your message in it's own post in another forum so that you'll get more responses, and then I'll post the link for you to copy and paste into your browser here.

This is more of an on-going support thread for spouses of sex addicts.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken61, go to this thread that I made for you, and the members in that forum will help and support you.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=276472


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
Ingrid
♀ Member
Member # 20126
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Birdwatch:

Thank you for sharing!

I hear you. Of course SA can be wonderful people! It's just that, in my view marriage means fidelity. IF a person is too sick to do this, you have no marriage.

This is what I am facing, and most likely every other person on here. Marriage means: fidelity, trust, committment. IF one cannot or does not want to do this, there is no marriage,IMO.

I thank you for your response and it is wonderful your h is seeking some treatment./ I have always felt there is hope for one who truly wants to get help. For other wayward souls who keep choosing to repeat the behavior, there is no hope. And I do feel those married to such persons are being abused.

I am an advocate of marriage and what it means. I hope and pray every woman on here's marriage will survive. BUT, we humans have free will, and this free will will take some to hell. It says in the Bible.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: L.A. CA
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Ingrid,

You are right. If a sex addict refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, seek help and commit to change, there is little hope for the marriage. You have to take care of yourself, explore your options and make informed decisions.

Don't forget though, part of the addiction is denial. Like an alcoholic who has numerous hospital visits for liver failures and still continues to drink, many addicts need time and help to recognize and admit they have a problem.

Please continue to post, and I wish you will find peace and happiness either way.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:38 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear NaiveAgain,

Sex addiction thrives with secrecy and isolation. The fact that your husband is beginning to recognize there is a problem and to examine his life is a positive step towards recovery. What wonderful news indeed!

However, sex addicts require professional help. The danger of sex addicts trying to stop their behaviours on their own is their tenancy to "act in".

In accordance with Patrick Carnes' book, sex addicts often alternate between "acting out" and "acting in". The acting out cycle occurs when the addict feels stressed and ashamed, and he uses sex to escape the stress and shame. Later, the addcit may recognize that he has to stop. That's when the addict controls his own behaviours with extreme rigidity, hence acting in.

Neither acting out or acting in examines the root causes of the addiction. Acting in deals only with the symptoms of addiction and allows the addict to escape examining his own life.

By way of an example, if an addict was sexually abused as a child, and acts out as an adult to escape confronting his childhood trauma, for him to simply "will" himself to sit at home all day, cancel all social gatherings, disconnect the computer, throw away the cell phone, etc. is simply not true recovery. Any permenant recovery has to begin with examining the childhood trauma.

The problem is, for a short time when the addict is acting in, both the addict and his spouse may think the addict is recovering. But that's not true. Recovery necessarily means not acting out, but not acting out does not necessary mean recovery.

Oh dear, I hope I am making sense. Dr. Carnes was so much more coherent!

Finally, I hope this post does not take away the positive steps you and your husband are taking. While I am sure some addicts have a "light bulb" moment, it is more likely that an addict has to go through a painful journey of self examination to fully recognize he has a problem. I wish you the best and don't forget - one day at a time.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 1:03 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Birdwatch, for the information, I totally agree. Last time, in July, when he said he gave me the laptop so he fixed it, no more acting out, I knew that wasn't fixing it. That is why I have been on here so much figuring out what to do, and going to COSA to take care of me, because I knew he hadn't fixed the problem, which is his core issue, which I feel is the abuse he endured as a child (lots!)

What is different this time, is he has come clean about some of this stuff without me even asking, and the big thing, is he is examining his childhood abuse, in depth! He has cried over it, threw stuff from anger, and even realized that his sainted father was not quite a saint. Big, big deal for him to admit.

So I feel good, this time, that he is making real strides and a real effort this time, in fixing the core problem. How he will keep from acting out, though, I am afraid he is still trying to whiteknuckle that part, and I believe he needs some tools that a therapist or at least recoverynation could give him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, February 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - sure wish we could have the other thread as well.

Need some help. I have quit doing to constant searching and all -- it was taking over my life. I quit around the first of December. I still check - have found nothing.

Today, I was trying to find out how to erase a very hidden history file for a friend who has been searching of SA and has to turn in her PC tomorrow for some updating - wanted to make sure her company wouldn't know there might be problem somewhere in her life.

I ran across how to use iGoogle to check web searches and low and behold, when he was in Tallahasses last November (WHERE SHE IS) he looked for an oriental massage parlor.

I have checked the phone records and he was awall from the time he did this search until much later in the evening when we talked.

They told us at the seminar we were just at in their experience there would have to one more disclosure for each coulple after the session.

DAMN.DAMN. DAMN.

How should I handle? ALSO -- there is NO history from Dec. 30 until today....

I want to be better. I want to be better.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear OurLifeBack,

I am sorry about your discovery. I am stumping on the floor for you!

I notice your D-Days dated back to 2006. You should let him know about your discovery. Be as honest and calm as you can. I believe you are entitled to a response. Was there a misunderstanding or a slip? Did he "just searched for" the parlour, or did he actually visit it? Either way, what made him search and/or visit? Why did he not confide in you? What is your pre-existing boundary about such slips? Have you acted on the consequences of his breaking the boundary?

Your husband needs to continue therapy. You should re-examine your boundaries. You also have to re-evaluate your options.

By the way, before you speak to him, can you check his credit card bill to see if there was any charge to the parlour?

I wish you good luck. From your post, I can sense that you are a courageous and kind woman. What has happened is not fair.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 7:55 AM, February 4th (Wednesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
pebbles
♀ Member
Member # 13870
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:

Last Nov WH started with a CSAT. I had checked his laptop in Oct and found he was deleting his history. Gut feeling was all over the place. This was when I forced the issue of starting with a CSAT. (7's advice)

Nov 10th my gut was screaming. He had been to his CSAT that morning and when he went to his SAA I went over to his work computer and the history was deleting. I pushed cancel and found he was viewing soft porn. That was it for me. Of course he denied he was masturbating over this on that day.

I had turned my life over to God late summer and was asking for help in my decision to leave or not leave this marriage. Infidelity is the only reason given for divorce by God. I thought I had my answer and decided I was done.

WH begged to go to church with me and even though I had decided I was done, he came with me that Sunday. He did not know that I had decided to leave at this time. He turned his life over to Jesus Christ that Sunday. That next week he got a sponsor at SAA. Before he had said he couldn't find anyone to sponsor him.

The change in this man has been nothing but miraculous. He says all of those desires are gone. He wants nothing to do with that life anymore. He has been studying the bible constantly since then and has finally admitted that because of his behavior he has never been faithful to me. He has realized that his behavior wasn't just his right as a man.

My dilemma now is what do I do? His previous lies and denials seems to have killed whatever feelings I had for him. He was put on the 90 day abstinence by his CSAT thankfully and so there is no pressure on me.

I have put my life in the hands of Christ and if this marriage is meant to be then there is alot of healing that has to happen within me.

Other than the infidelity this marriage has been happy. He's always been good to me in every way, with the exception of this problem.

He knows now that I had decided that I was done with the marriage. He was shocked because of all that I had tolerated over the years. He did not decide to accept Jesus Christ in his life because of any threat from me about leaving. It was his choice. He wants to be married to me for the rest of his life and he is so different now. He doesn't even watch TV anymore. He prefers to read the bible. He's sucking up those words like a vacuum. We also started a bible study with another couple.

I guess I'm in the wait and see mode. I need consistency in his behavior. Maybe with time some feelings of attraction could come back. I don't know. I'm leaving it in God's hands.


me: BS
Dday 7/23/05
This former rock has been blasted into a mound of pebbles.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Mar 2007
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I've been thinking a lot, and I am still not comfortable with him, even after his "coming clean" the other night.

And one thing that is bothering me greatly, is he has absolutely no remorse over lying to me. None at all. The best I got from him is that he felt a little weird when he went to purchase the money orders to pay for his cable porn, so I would not know about it.

Now he is talking like everything is okay, and like the plans are on again for me to move down there. And when I brought up last night that our lives were still in limbo, he started manipulating me, saying "well, now I feel depressed again". And I told him he can't let the things I say depress him, he needs to let me say whatever I need to say, without internalizing it and letting his whole mood be dependent on me speaking.

So at least I see, there is a long, long way to go, and I am still uncomfortable about moving with him, and I am glad that I cancelled our court date to get the permission to move. (I haven't told him yet --I know it will get ugly, and that right there tells me I still can't let my guard down)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
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