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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for everyone's posts! My husband and I had a fight last night over his not communicating his feelings, an issue that predates D Day. I kept saying to myself, "You will pull through! You will be okay. Everyone (in SI) is cheering you on!". For that, I thank you for making me feel less alone and feel loved.

Switching gears - a number of you have PMed me for more information on acting in, which I mentioned in my previous Post.

All the information I obtained is from the book "Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction" by Dr. Patrick Carnes.

Dr. Carnes explains acting in and acting out as follows:

Acting out is the release part of the shame cycle. In acting out, rules are set aside, chaos and willfulnes reign. Acting in is the control part of the shame cycle. Acting in involves excessive rigidity, self-denial and control. This binge-purge cycle of shame can exist without compulsive behaviour.

Rather than resolve the feelings that emerge in early recovery, some addicts will begin acting in. It is the only alternative they know to acting out, but it is still living in the extreme. Because acting in looks better, it is important for addicts not to mistake acting in for recovery. [emphasis mine]

.....[A]ddicts are very familiar with the swing from being chaotic and out of control to being rigid and closed won. Over 92% of the addicts we interviewed strongly felt that this pattern had characterized their lives. It's not surprising that when they get into recovery, addicts believe their only alternative is to act in.

.....[G]rieving period was critical to breaking through the cycle of acting in. In large part, acting out and acting in are both ways to avoid pain.

I wish I can reproduce the entire book, but obviously that's not possible (besides, I am a lawyer and don't want to run afoul of copyright laws!). When I read the book, my own analogy is that an emotional over-eater decides to control his caloric intake to the point that he becomes anorexic. Neither is a solution to the other.

Some of you who PMed me has expressed panic over acting in. I have a different take. I am relieved to have learn about acting in. Many SAs who are committed to recovery simply do not have the tools to do so. They may act in, believing in good faith that this is how they can heal. Their spouses may falsely believe acting in signals real recovery. However, we now know better. We will make sure that our spouses are resolving the underlying feelings (e.g. shame, abuse, guilt, fear, etc.) and not simply avoiding them by acting in. We are more empowered, not less, with the information.

Hugs and kisses,
birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:34 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
ObsesSing
♀ Member
Member # 20462
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, hugs to everyone here... I haven't posted on this topic, but have read quite a bit and have found comfort here...

birdwatch, thanks for that post - I believe my husband is acting in at this point. I asked how it is so easy for him to not watch porn or read erotic stories and he said it is as if a switch has been flipped off in his brain.

I need to get that book! I simply can't believe it is that easy for anyone! He claims that while he knows he can't expect himself to go the rest of his life w/out looking at porn or reading erotic stories, he realizes that those things are deal-breakers for me and it is "easy" for him to put them aside because he wants to save our marriage... only time will tell, I guess... but, geez, I hate those times because it breaks my heart every time!


BS-Me (34)
WH (34)
Married 12 years
One 5-year old son
1st D-Day fall of 2000
2nd D-Day 7/27/08

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Ohio
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ObsesSing I think we married the same guy! That's what I'm going through at the moment as well. How do they flip this light switch to nothing-total blackout-after the out-of-character/out-of- control-ness of before? How????

birdwatch I hope today is a better day for you. I appreciate you giving us this insight when you are struggling yourself!(((hugs)))

I need to get this book too. Does it give any indication of the timespan of acting out/or in? How do you know, as the partner, if this is truly the case? Are there signs that something is about to happen and we miss them?

7years Hope you feel better soon!

Welcome to anyone new I haven't yet said Hi to. Sorry you had to join our little group here but we are sure good at holding hands and holding each other up here!


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband too just "stopped" once he confessed it all to me. We talked a bit last night (it has been over two years from DDay 1 and about 1 1/2 years from DDay 2 so lots of time has passed) and he still struggles with what he's "allowed" to do. For example, he'll see a pretty woman and will look at her. He says it won't be sexual as much as just appreciating her the way he'd appreciate a work of art. He wonders "is that wrong?" "How do I stop myself?" He also said that much of the reason why he stopped cold-turkey was fear of losing me, then he reads in a recovery manual for his 12-step group that "fear" is no basis for recovery. So he's understandably confused.
He's working on much of it with his IC, but I think part of the problem is there isn't a one-size-fits-all recovery program. Each has to take what works for them (within a framework, of course) keeping in mind that you can't cherry pick the parts of recovery that you like and disregard what you don't.
So I think info like what Birdwatch provided is empowering to us because it allows us to recognize seemingly healthy behaviours as potentially stemming from unhealthy intentions.
And intention is key, I think. Just as our intention must remain to focus on our own healing, the addict's intention must be to understand where these unhealthy urges originate. Simply stopping the behaviour isn't recovery, as others have pointed out.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my partner acts in sometimes.

I think I read that acting in looks good on the outside but on the inside the SA may still be obsessed with sex but in a different way.

If only I could remember which one I read that in.

Thank you for the passage, Birdwatch. I think my partner is a big time binger, although with some baseline amount of porn he uses regulary. When he's binging he just goes on for hours and hours.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 4:05 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
ObsesSing
♀ Member
Member # 20462
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I know that there is no such thing as "healthy" pornography... that said, does anyone know of a resource or website that could help me understand just how far his fantasy mind is by the types of porn movies and erotic stories he looks at? It is VERY disturbing. I have an appt for IC and MC, by the way, but really want to understand what I'm up against here.


BS-Me (34)
WH (34)
Married 12 years
One 5-year old son
1st D-Day fall of 2000
2nd D-Day 7/27/08

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am wondering, is all the negative character traits part of the addiction, or are some of them just a separate part of him?

I know the lying comes with addiction, does having no remorse about lying also come with it? I think he does feel a little guilty sometimes, from hiding stuff, but he does it anyway.

I also think maybe the manipulation is a part of it, what about the blameshifting and gaslighting? I see that in other WS's who are in the "fog". Is addiction kind of like being in a perpetual "fog"?

Okay, what about self-centeredness. Two things that bother me greatly and I am having a hard time with him about (though he doesn't even know it), are 1. My 10 yr old DD had to go to the hospital for a 104 fever and sore throat. Instead of going with me and supporting us, (and this was on Christmas Eve, mind you), he got mad at me and said I waited too long to take her? (I took her as soon as the doctor called back and said to go--I was waiting for the doctors call, so what he said made no sense, for some reason, he just did not want to go)

And 2. One time I was upset and crying about something (I think something with my XH and court again), and I went to him and told him I was scared, and tried to reach out for a hug, and he pushed me away! I will probably never forget that. He can't stand it when I have a negative emotion, he only wants happy and pleasant. He does not deal well when I am angry and/or scared and/or depressed.

Is all that addiction stuff, or does he have other character flaws as well?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, I was just reading about that in my psych class. Guys who are fearful or dismissing (as in attachment styles) are most likely to push away those they love when that person is in the most pain. Basically, I read that's an intimacy issue. I can't say that's the issue for sure, but we can guess that if he's an SA he probably has intimacy issues.

Just looking inside me, I have a lot of problems and it's difficult for me sometimes to support others when need it. It's not really an attempt to be selfish or uncaring, I just can't.

Come to think, I didn't get many hugs when I had my mc. All I've ever gotten was I'm sorrys, you just can't forget can you?, and things along that line. I don't recall being hugged too much.

ObsesSing, I really hope someone chimes in. I've been reading Pornography and Silence, though I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're looking for. It is quite analytical though. It does talk about sadomasochism, madonna-whore complex, thinking of women as objects, etc. So far I've found most of it interesting.

I am concerned about what goes on in my partner head as well. I've read in several places that the more porn one watches, the less sympathy people generally have for rape victims. I don't remember if it was porn in general or violent porn specifically, though I imagine the latter would be esp. harmful. As a rape victim, I find that esp. revolting.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, LDLH, that is interesting to read. At least that makes some sense. Because that is one of the things I don't want to live with, that is a basic need, to be supported when you are scared or in pain or something.

One other question, do any of you have SO's that start stuff and don't finish it, perpetually, or also, he doesn't take care of his problems. If he gets a bill that is wrong, he will ignore it instead of calling and fighting for his rights

I just saved us a $7,000 hospital bill, because hospital made a big error, and he wasn't even going to deal with it! It took me some work, and about an hour or two of my time, and I got it taken care of. He does this with everything. He just runs away from his problems, in every area of life, instead of confronting them head on and taking care of them. Two people owe us money, and I am the one who has to keep calling them to remind them--he bows out of that one also, even when I ask him to take care of it.

Thanks in advance for any insight on this stuff--I am running now to the airport and won't be back until Sunday nite.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA -

Is addiction kind of like being in a perpetual "fog"

It kind of is. The person an addict wants to see with those fantasy land glasses is themself.

At least with mine, that was true, he's digging his way out.

If I look at his childhood, I can see some things. His father was incredibly physically and emotionally abusive to everyone in the house, his mother and his many siblings. The morality or conscience that got built in that environment was "Don't do things to piss Dad off, or if you do, lie and cover up like hell to avoid the wrath".

For a kid, managing that alone can be a full time preoccupation. Bad grades - yikes. Rip your jeans playing - yikes. Fight with your siblngs - yikes.

Who knows or cares what is right or wrong, what that kid cared about was not getting beaten or verbally decimated. Security. Forget it. Trust - the only thing he had trust in was his worthlessness in his father's eyes and the reliability of the arbitrary rages.

The kid grew up in survival mode. Developed SA early, probably 9 to 11 yrs old, he's not sure.

It was one thing he could rely on to numb the horror and feel good, for a little bit.

Did he learn by observng what "normal people do" in order to function in the world. Sort of. He learned to try to look that way. He tried every way he could to try to look that way to himself, too. Deep in his core he felt "I'm not okay", but he had no healthy coping mechanisms to deal with that. So, stuff it, medicate it, don't look at it, just kept trying to convince himself and everyone else he was okay.

There were no healthy coping skills to handle it if he were to let himself believe he did something that was not okay. So, neither he nor I (or anyone else) could ever believe he was at fault for anything.

Lying is kind of necessary to pull this off. First he lied to himself, then he had to ensure that others believed that lie. If he was doing this, remorse wasn't even in the equation. The lie to self worked. If he had trouble with the lie to himself, remorse didn't enter as quickly as - avoid consequence action (remember how this little boy developed his conscience).

I've seen the not finishing things syndrome too. I'm not sure what to make of it totally yet. I'm thinking it has to do with no real seld-discipline, again, not much chance to develop self discipline when you're raised in such an environment. Self-discipline requires one making oneself do what is right because one should. Well, if you never got a solid morailty or conscience built for determining what was right in the first place, you probably do what you want for as long as you want, and then move on to the next want.

The thing w/your DD in the hospital sounds like a lack of coping skill thing to me. On some level he might have recognized it WAS serious, he SHOULD be there. But the old lack of healthy means of coping kicks in and he wants to run, blame you, avoid having to deal with what he doesn't know how to deal with. The blaming you helps him with the lie he tells himself about why its okay for him to run.

All that said, I'm a bean counter, not a shrink. I just thought I saw some similarities in coping, or lack-of-coping, that H and I have seen that he used to use.

I really think the lack of healthy coping and self acceptance are at the root of trying to stop this junk. How do they just stop their unhealthy coping with no healthy coping in place. How do they admit where they are when they are terrified of the consequences. How do the admit failure and want to work on it when they've never had self-acceptance, how are you going to accept them when they don't know how to help themself? How do they dare to truly be intimate with someone when they don't accept themself?

SA's who make the leap to recovery are showing you some TREMENDOUS courage, and they have to take a HUGE leap of faith to draw that courage from somewhere, and probsbly nothing in thier past can show them this is the right thing to do. It has to be terrifying for them.

((((NA))))

Sorry I'm so long winded this am.

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:59 AM, February 6th (Friday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Sad  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two nights ago, I fight with my husband about his reluctance to talk to me.

Me: ďHow did your counselling go two days ago?Ē

Him: (big sigh) ďÖ..We also talked about what makes me unhappy. And now that I donít have compulsive thoughts any more, we are trying to find out why donít I have the compulsions and what has changed.

Me: ďThatís interesting. Can you tell me more about what makes you unhappy.Ē

Him: (irritated and tensed up) I donít know. Thatís what we are figuring out. I am not going to tell you everything unless I know something, and I do tell you a lot already.

Me: You are telling me a lot more now and I appreciate it. I am not asking for a copy of your therapistís notes. I am merely asking a question that a wife would normally ask, what makes my husband unhappy. If you do not know yourself, thatís fine, but we may still talk about it.

Him: (angry). I donít like being asked. Thatís just the way I am and how I grew up. If I have something to tell you, I will.

Me: (now exasperated and angry myself) Lets say we are a ďregularĒ couple, you are saying it is wrong for me to ask my husband what makes him unhappy, and in fact, I cannot even ask that question at all. What other questions can I not ask? Am I to walk on egg shells? Are we going to just talk about the weather only? Your unhappiness in life was a contributor to your acting out. Before D Day, we were both overly polite with each other and avoided confronting the issue. May be we should talk about it?

Him: (now irate). You are angry with me. You thought you had a raw deal having to stick with me. You had never forgiven me.

Me (angry): What does it have to do with anything? I asked you what makes you unhappy, and you reacted to it this way.

Him: So now I am reacting. You are always right. I am always wrong. Itís always about you. You want to control everything. I am doing everything wrong, but you would not even admit that you are controlling.

That was two nights ago.

Last night was essentially the same routine, other than I added, ďI love you. I am reaching out to you to get to know you better. Thatís why I asked. Not because I am controlling. Donít tell me any time a wife asks a husband what makes him unhappy is controllingĒ.

Also, last night he said, ďI am going to a movie on the weekend.Ē

I asked what movies he was interested in, and,

Me: May I come as well.

Him: You can, but I am going even if you arenít.

Me: Okay, so when are you going?

Him: I donít know. Itíll be a spur of the moment thing.

I know exactly whatíll happen. He is going to go with a five minute warning to me (and he knows I, being a woman, canít just get changed and ready in five minutes). He will then say, well, the movie is on in 10 minutes (the cinema is across the street) so I have to go. I am so angry with his little game!

I alternate between feeling emotional exhaustion, resignation and anger. The only way I know how to deal with this, at least in the short run, is to stop asking questions. I have to remember, I cannot control him. If he does not want to talk, I cannot force him. I see no alternative that will not make me spiral in a nervous breakdown. If he doesnít share with me, it is his loss.

Thank you for listening and your support.

[This message edited by birdwatch at 8:35 AM, February 6th (Friday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am often amazed at how quickly this thread is moving sometimes!

I agree that the pushing away and self-centeredness is all about intimacy which is at the very core what SA is all about - an inability to be intimate so they keep trying to 'feel good' the only why they know how.

Dr. Carnes also has a book, "Sexual Anorexia" which expands on the acting in.

NA, my husband mostly finishes stuff, but is most defiantly a runner! He runs from really big issues, not so much the small stuff. I recall one MC session where he is talking and I am 'running' my fingers down my thigh. MC stopped us both and asked me to repeat what I had just done and for WH to see it.


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bird, I am so very sorry. He is treating you terribly! Although I know how exasperated you are with the feelings conversations, how can he be so mean about the movie thing? That is just mean and you deserve better treatment.

Stand up for yourself. This is probably not the right advise to give, but if he does pull this mess with the movie, try not to react. Then when he is gone, you go somewhere for YOU. Not to be mean or manipulative, but for you. You can leave him a note that you are out and where and when you will be back. Heck, you could even go to your own movie. Or go see a friend, or go to the mall and buy yourself a cup of coffee - anything that makes YOU feel special. You need to do something for YOU. You deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. Not manipulated.

Take care of yourself. Do something for you. OK?


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
brokenmom13
♀ Member
Member # 20878
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out last night that WH has actually been cheating on me for the entire 10 years we've been together. He's now in SLAA and says, "it wasn't you, it was my disease!" Big fucking deal! The women are countless and some of them he even brought to my home as "friends from work!" The kicker was when I found out that he screwed one of my "friends" when I was 7 months pregnant with our first son. I have never felt such rage and hatred in my life! How can you love someone one day and hate them the next? I can't seem to wrap my brain around this double life he has been living. I just don't get this addiction at all. He claims he's getting help, yet he's still screwing the last girl he cheated on me with, who is also a sex addict!!

I really feel like I don't know who I am any more. I have been sleeping next to a complete stranger for 10 years! I feel like he is a soulless monster. For some reason, he seems to think that because it was his disease, I should have some kind of understanding and be able to continue to have a good relationship with him. Now my emotions vacillate from pain to anger to grief to hatred to loss...I really thought that these were things that you read about or saw on TV, not something that could actually exist in my life.

Any advice on how to recover from this would help. I finally contacted a lawyer, I'm in IC every week and I'm starting a support group for the spouses of SA's. What more can I do?


Me: BS (39) Him: WH (29)
D Day: 8/31/08
Together 10 years, married 6
Two sons, 3.5, 23mths.
False R started 9/16.
Second Dday 10/18 NC as of 10/19, in R. Third Dday 1/17, he's gone.

*Coffee buddy or support group in Los Angeles area?


Posts: 76 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Los Angeles
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken - I am so very sorry you are here! It is one of the worst times when you discover the lie your life has been.

You are doing all the right things. Please continue to post here - and feel free to vent as well all do.

Seeing a lawyer is a good idea to determine your options. It is mostly recommended, however, that you don't make any life changing decisions within the first year. This gives you some time to get through some of the emotions.

If he is still 'acting out' (a euphemism for whatever inappropriate sexual behavior they are engaging in) then he is NOT in recovery.

Is your IC a CSAT counselor?

Go get the book "Mending a Shattered Heart."

Again, I am so very sorry. Big Hug to you.

OLB


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bird,
if you want my 2 cents, he sounds like he's struggling with control and intimacy.

Control - he only wants to talk about what he's found in IC when he can be positive, or productive, or show you he's fixing something. He can't deal too well with the lack of control he has over his issues, and he sure doesn't want to have a conversation with you about it that he can't control.

Addicts don't trust, whether we deserve to be trusted by them isn't the point. He doesn't trust. So he relies on this myth he calls control. Things go his way when he can control them.

You throw any monkey-wrench into his control game, and now he sees you as trying to control him. Make him talk when he's not ready. Corner him into a conversation that he can't manipulate the outcome to. He doesn't trust that you just want to walk the journey with him. Not because you're not trustworthy, but because he doesn't trust anyone.

The movie thing sounds like lashing out in frustration to me. He sees you geting too close (intimacy avoider alert) w/the IC conversation, so he wants to put some distance back between you. Have the upper hand. Make you feel he's distancing from you, because he's afraid of you distancing from him. Or maybe he's afraid of you being too close t him.

As crappy as all of that felt, it is not about rejecting you. It is his lack of coping shining thru. Try really hard to know you are in fact worthy of how you long to be treated, it may just be he isn't capable of that - YET.

(((((bw)))))

[This message edited by JustWow at 11:29 AM, February 6th (Friday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustNow and OurLife Back,

Thank you to both of you for reading through my long post, and for your support. Your thoughts have certainly crossed my mind. I will look after myself and do things for myself.

It dawned on me that my rambling story may give some newer members of this thread an insight into the challenges we face when we are almost a year out. The initial panic, disbelief, jealous and hurt of the acting out has dulled with time (though obviously not eliminated). However, the struggles with the recovery on both sides (SA and spouse), communication, trust and control are now surfacing. It's been a long road, and it's just the beginning!

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear brokenmom13,

Please be assured you are listened to and can find support here.

You're in your initial stage of discovery. I have the following suggestions:

1. Look after yourself first

Any consideration of rebuilding the marriage or husband's healing would be futile at this stage because you are simply not in the physical and emotional space to do so.

Visit a doctor to do a FULL set of STD tests. Also seek advice of possible medicine for insominia, panic attacks and/or depression.

Visit a counsellor for yourself.

If you are working, ask for a one or two week vacation time.

Remember to eating and drink water/juice. I was so distraught the first week after D Day that I threw up any solid food I ate. So I bought a pack of protein shake, and at 9 am, 1 pm and 7 pm every day, I forced myself to have a shake, a glass of water and one fruit.

Find support through a trusted friend, join a therapy group for spouses of SAs, and/or post here.

2. Get educated
There are many books and websites with credible information. Dr. Patrick Carnes has a number of books. Mending a Shattered Heart is recommended to spouses of SAs. Before that though, I recommend the book After the Affairs (I don't remember the author). This book deals with affairs in general(not specific to SA). I find the book highly relevant to me, yet less emotionally charged than the books that are specific to SA.

3. Your husband and your marriage

While you are not in a state to help your husband's recovery or to rebuild the marriage, you should set boundaries with consequences. Others here, like 7yearsbetrayed, can give you better advice on that.

Your husband should have no contact with OW.

You husband should see a therapist who is trained in SA, or preferrably a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Only a CSAT can make a diagnosis of SA, though there are websites that have tests to give you some indication.

Your husband may join a 12-step group.

Marriage counselling comes much later when each of you and your husband has been sufficiently healed individually.

I wish to emphasize that too often, we focus on our husband's recovery and neglect our own. In the beginning, your mental health is shattered. You must focus on you and look after yourself. Only after you regain some level of emotional stability and wellness can you support your husband and rebuild the marriage (if that's what you want).

Finally, it is normally recommended that no major decision be made in the first year following discovery. You have to heal (which in itself is a painful process, that may uncover baggages from your own past that need to be addressed). You need to be emotionally well enough to make informed decisions.

It is not your fault. Something terrible has happened to you. You have been betrayed by someone who broke a vow. When someone sets out to lie and deceive, and when you keep to your own vow of trust and monogamy, it's not your fault to not have discovered earlier.

You will survive. You are being thought of by everyone here. We are all cheering you on. Don't give up. Take care of yourself. Post as often as you want and PM any of us if you wish.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, What would we do without each other?!

I have been having a frustrating morning (week, month, year?) trying to feel connected to my SAH.
Nothing as far as acting out, but more the secrecy-private life sort of thing. SAH tends to keep his work persona to himself. It was an issue prior to finding out about As and continues to be so.

SO I came here to see if someone can give me a better perspective and here you all are, already answering my questions and doubts through yours!
Thank you, everyone new and all those with experience for sharing your struggles.

It really helps to see that it is in fact related to their fear of intimacy. One of the women in my support group calls it a "secrecy disorder."
How very accurate.

My husband has always kept me on the outside and felt "good" while at work. I am Being reminded that it isn't that he wants me on the outside, but that he doesn't know how to include me. UGH so frustrating, but I will try to remember it isn't about me.

I refuse, though, to just accept it as I did for all those years. I deserve to feel connected to my spouse!

Should I just continue to ask for it and wait for his recovery to get to a point that he feels that trust?

I did have another strange question: Is it usual to go to SAA with SAH as he does his First Step tonight? He "invited" me the other day, but I am not sure. I have been feeling a tiny bit like he is working at gaining my approval, and I do not want to feed into that.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((brokenmom))))

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru.

I think I asked this before, but here goes. Does anyone's partner just jump on them and expects you to be in the mood?


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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