Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elizablue (43208)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
brokenmom13
♀ Member
Member # 20878
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you birdwatch...all of you. I did see a lawyer today because we have to iron out custody/support. I decided not to file for D since so many of you said that it's not a good idea to make big decisions for a year. I am going to have to file for legal separation because that's the only way we can file the support/custody agreement.

I read After the Affair when H and I were trying to R. He read it as well. Of course he was still in contact with OW at the time, so a lot of good it did! But it did help me a lot. I'm definitely going to get the other book. The whole SA thing is just kicking my ass. I get addiction, but I can't put that together with the thought of my H sleeping with woman after woman throughout our M and even before. I have so much judgment of him and not very much sympathy/empathy right now.

I have been on anti-depressants and sleep aides since I first found out about his A last September. Thank God for pharmaceuticals! I am also calling today to make an appointment to have a full STD scan and AIDS test. I'm so horrified by that. I've put it off for a few weeks because I can't believe I have to do this. It's scary and embarrassing. But I know it has to be done.

I don't know what I would do without this site! Probably think that I was the only one out there...terminally unique! Sadly, that is so far from the truth.


Me: BS (39) Him: WH (29)
D Day: 8/31/08
Together 10 years, married 6
Two sons, 3.5, 23mths.
False R started 9/16.
Second Dday 10/18 NC as of 10/19, in R. Third Dday 1/17, he's gone.

*Coffee buddy or support group in Los Angeles area?


Posts: 76 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Los Angeles
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAH has in the past just expected me to be in the mood. Of course, I never turned it down, as he would go weeks without any indication.

I rarely had any idea he was "in the mood" and it would seem very sudden.

XH, very much YES to your question. I am only recently realizing that my XH with borderline personality disorder most likely was SA or at least "self-medicating" with sex.

If it was nearing 24 hours he was literally unbearable to live with.
"jump on you" is an accurate phrase.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenmom13, I second reading Patrick Carnes. I've read several (don't call it love, contrary to love, out of the shadows), and I've found them all informative. I can't say this will be the same for you, but I do think that when I'm learning about SA I can have more sympathy for him.

My SAH has in the past just expected me to be in the mood. Of course, I never turned it down

Same here. I wouldn't normally turn him down except for contraceptive reasons or whatever. He doesn't return the favor. If I ask, he'll probably say no.

And a lot of times things do happen quick for us. I'd be sleeping and next thing I knew he was on top of me. I'm just like wth? Even if I'm uncomfortable that doesn't really stop him.

I think I'm slipping into denial. Sometimes I like to think that he's not an SA. Maybe I'm just be crazy.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Wonderful Ones!

(((brokenmom13))) You are not alone and you will see the people who have found this site are no dummies.

People, I am so proud of how great you all are to each and every visitor to this site. I understand why you are like that but even when I know that many of you are tired and exhausted you still type like crazy people to help newcomers make a path to health and freedom.

I have a long post coming up but I can't even begin to figure out how to start it. Maybe I'll put most of it into an update on my profile tonight but suffice to say that the last two weeks has really put me to the test and thanks to my lovely SI people, S-anon, and my awesome friends I recognize that almost every move my SA H is making and while it hurts I know how to react healthily (is that a word)!!!
(edit: I have to start reading before posting !)

[This message edited by grownup at 6:00 PM, February 6th (Friday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone and Much Hugs!!!

I put most of my update into my personal profile so that I only give the determined readers eye strain but here goes....

We had our first collaborative law meeting. We set the ground work for future meetings but most of the meeting was spent trying to determine how to deal with the sex addiction as a custody issue or it it was a custody issue. I tried to explain (without hurting H) that it is not just sex that it consumes every move he makes in his life right now.

I did find out that H fired his pschologist in Dec. (probably after H. got mad at the psych when the psy nodded to a few things I was saying at a joint session). I found out that H. had freaked on his immediate boss who went to the big boss who got him psych assesessed right away. H looked like a wreck at the meeting and this was the first time that I felt so badly for him but didn't feel the need to mend it for him.

After the meeting H expressed that he was furious that DVU was involved and now felt the force was setting him up.

H takes himself off duties completely and big boss okays it pending psychological assistance. So he will be seeing a CSAT.

H calls me the same day for 1 1/2 hours to snowball me. At first I thought he really was crashing and I was desperate to be the one to help him get the next step....then (thank you to the power above that brought me great new teachers) I heard the BS, heard the blame-shifting, heard the efforts to rewrite history, heard the gas-lighting, heard the attempts to manipulate. H was starting to recognize that his hole was pretty deep but thought that once again I would find a way to rescue him. He did not offer any change to his life except to say he really wanted a CSAT (now that it was mandated)and to get better. He is just transiting his addiction of choice to real people so that he looks "cured" and because now that he is out of the house it is okay to date. He did not show remorse or understanding of what he has done to his children that can't be undone. My heart breaks for him but I can not (and will not) engage in more discussion until he helps himself (unless setting up supervised kid visits).

I was furious on phone when I realized but then it was okay. This was out of my scope of control like a storm. It just is.

Funny a bit now as from several things he said I suspect that the four months of money that should have gone to my children are taking him and new girl on vacation. Oh, well.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H lost his job a couple of weeks ago. Holy cow - after 18 years with the company they close the doors and don't pay anyone. The H freaks and I am the one to stay calm - go figure.

Of course I know that time home alone all day can be a recipe for disaster for SA. However, I am not worrying about it. I go to work and honestly don't give one thought to whether H is home acting out or not. It's not that I don't care - I do. I want him to recover and be healthy but I have come to realize that my worrying about it isn't going to do me any good. If he acts out the truth will come out as it always does and when/if it does I will deal with it then.

MC says this is a good sign that I am getting better. H tells MC that he's worried that he may be tempted while home along. MC dresses H down and tells him in no uncertain terms that he cannot play with fire or walk the razor's edge while home alone. (I do love that woman - she looks like the Church Lady but takes no BS from SAH. )

H is still going to SAA weekly and has his sponsor. I am doing the Partners Workshop on Recovery Nation. H and I got our 6 month chip at RCA last Thursday and H actually broken down crying.

One of the guys in RCA told him that being unemployed is a perfect excuse to go to more meetings. I couldn't agree more so when he started whining about no job and no opportunity I told him that he's not seeing the forest for the trees because not all opportunities are work related. I explained that he's been given a HUGE gift to take some time and get himself healthy. Since then, he’s been reading the Recovery Workshop on Recovery Nation.

I then shared my needs with H and told him that I wanted to start working out again to make myself feel better and he cleaned his crap out of the exercise room for me. I am working out daily again. I told him that I wanted to become more in touch with my spiritual side so H and I went to church together last week - this is a big step for him and he actually said he wants to go back! We are still working on a hobby or activity we can do together and on the cheap.

I am still waiting for full disclosure and some sort of apology from him but I now realize that I need to get myself healthy and stop waiting for him to do so. I can’t control his recovery but I can control mine and that’s exactly what I am doing.

To sum up I want to quote REM - “it’s the end of the world as we know it, but I feel fine”.

(had to edit due to fat fingering )

[This message edited by 2br02b at 9:56 AM, February 7th (Saturday)]


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CONGRATULATIONS 2br02b! You sound self assured in time of crisis. Proud of you woman! May your H's "time off" be healthy and short enough to stay in the black.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
shocked and hurt
♀ Member
Member # 13388
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is an alcoholic and i think a SA. Since d-day 1/07 he has retreated and no real remorse. I still dk how many years he engaged in SA behavior? In our early marriage there were lots of magazine issues.....I didn't like it but I did not know how normal or not normal that was....much later I found porn sites visited on our home computer.....again I just got mad and let it go....when I finally found out about an affair....which split us up....I began to learn about more woman...craig's list visits possible prostitutes ect...I still dk the real truth but my gut is telling me he is a SA? I am wondering how many of you see a connection between alcoholism and SA? My WH is telling people he is in AA...this after a recent OUI arrest and a hospitalization for alcohol overdose...but he still sends e-mails that are strange and blame shifting....and lots of poor me talk...wants family and kids to just talk to him and forget everything that has happend...2 years of so much pain...terrible behavior and lots of hurt for those who love him. I am trying do the 180...yes, I know after 2 years...a little late and so are my kids...we are all just so tired of the lies and promises and continued irrational e-mails. I do hope he is really working AA honestly but I would think the content of his communication with the kids and family would be different if he rreally was....he is trying to force the kids to speak with them when they gave him the clear ultimatum....."we love you but we can not watch you kill yourself" Our 17 yo son was even involved in an intervention to try to get WH to commit to a 20 day inpatient treatment for alcohol and therapy....his Dad said NO....despite th fact that our son said if he said no that he would not be willing to talk with him or see him. No he says he is going to AA but still saying strange things and trying to force the kids to have a relationship with him...it has only been a few weeks since OUI and his ?? start of AA. They have asked him for more time to heal and to be left alone for now and asked him to work on himself and told him that it will take a lot longer for them to be able to see that he is really working at recovery but he won't respect that and calls them at all times of day and night...yelling at them for not speaking with him...and at times calling them names and blaming them for deserting him! Does anyone have any advice....both kids have been in therapy for a long time now but both are hurting so bad and just want time away from all his drama. I have told them that this is nothing about Love...their father really loves them and they love him but he is ill.

Sorry for getting off the SA track but I think my WH SA and alcoholism and mental health problems are all intertwined? He is a chronic liar and it is just so hard to get away from all his issues even though we are trying to have NC with him until he has proven to be in true recovery.

Thanks...sorry for rambling


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2007
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((shocked and hurt))

I'm so sorry that it brings you here but the people here are great.

As you already know there is something in your H that drives an addictive personality. The alcohol, obsessions and sex are all acting out behaviors for soomething underneath. It appears that your H is not ready to deal with the underlying issues yet so...

the most important thing now is you and your children. The 180 is a great step but have you established some boundaries with H for all of you to strengthen the boundaries he is breaking.

ie. he keeps phoning and ranting at your children -what about telling him that if he can calm down the coversation can continue but if not you will get number block put on to your phone system
is it at the point for a restraining contact order to protect your children from harassment?
It really does seem like it is time for the boundary statement...
IF YOU CONTINUE TO DO THIS_________ I WILL DO THIS ___________. You must stick to what ever you have told him you will do. If you say that you will have no contact then you need to hold to that. If you say you will get a restraining order you must hold to it.

Try consulting with a psychologist and a lawyer to find the best path to set boundaries that will allow all (and I mean him too) a chance to heal (if he so chooses).


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, me again. H wants to meet me to "discuss " some more things and separate our cell phone plans. I chose a food court tomorrow in the shopping mall.

I suspect a continuation of the crap from yesterday but I also suspect he will tell me about the vacation he is going on. In my mind I believe we should only be meeing to discuss child issues but I'm still dying to rip him a new one (I have never told him off ever -weird eh?)

QUESTION: Do I keep my mouth shut about what I want to say and keep the 180?

WHAT I WANT TO SAY: Get a grip you idiot! I won't deprive our children a right to see their father but I still think you have very little to offer them. Every choice you make right now is because you are an addict. You have put yourself in a position where no one can believe a word you say. You have become morally bankrupt. When it comes to teaching your children value systems like morality, integrity, honesty and truth you have absolutely nothing to offer them and you certainly can't model it. Right now you are not a normal dad and you aren't giving them the intimate relationship that a parent should be offering their children. You can keep destroying your kids or you can get your shit together and go heal yourself and let us heal too.

HELP I know it is the weekend but I really can use some feedback if any of you brilliant minds check in.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
brokenmom13
♀ Member
Member # 20878
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHAT I WANT TO SAY: Get a grip you idiot! I won't deprive our children a right to see their father but I still think you have very little to offer them. Every choice you make right now is because you are an addict. You have put yourself in a position where no one can believe a word you say. You have become morally bankrupt. When it comes to teaching your children value systems like morality, integrity, honesty and truth you have absolutely nothing to offer them and you certainly can't model it. Right now you are not a normal dad and you aren't giving them the intimate relationship that a parent should be offering their children. You can keep destroying your kids or you can get your shit together and go heal yourself and let us heal too.

This is exactly how I feel! Unfortunately, I have not done as good of a job as you have keeping this to myself. I remind him regularly that if he were truly getting recover (as he says he is) then he wouldn't be shacking up with the last slut he cheated on me with, who is ALSO a SA! He just doesn't see it that way. He admits that the relationship will probably blow up in his face, but he doesn't think it's deterring him from his "recovery." Bottom line, without her, he has no place to live and no car. She's so f'ing stupid she can't even see that she's being used! It's so sick.

In the meantime, I'm furious that he is numbing himself to all of the pain that I have to live with, by hiding in another woman. Where is the justice in that? Everyone keeps telling me that he'll get his, that it's going to hit him like a brick wall...but in the meantime, he's having fun! Makes me want to just hit him with a brick!

I think the hard thing with the 180 is that it gets harder to do when you don't get the desired effect. But that's not what it's really about, right? It's for you and your mental health. If you can keep doing it, definitely do it! Know that I'm right where you are and nothing I've said has made any difference. Then you have to deal with the fact that you broke your 180 and it didn't even help!

Sending you thoughts and prayers!


Me: BS (39) Him: WH (29)
D Day: 8/31/08
Together 10 years, married 6
Two sons, 3.5, 23mths.
False R started 9/16.
Second Dday 10/18 NC as of 10/19, in R. Third Dday 1/17, he's gone.

*Coffee buddy or support group in Los Angeles area?


Posts: 76 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grownup,

I think you'll be prouder of yourself if you take the high road, keep doing the 180 and stick to talking about the things you need to (ie. kids). In part, it will keep you saner. But it also doesn't allow the addict to blameshift as easily (ie. she's mean to me, doesn't appreciate me, etc. etc.). In my experience, you can speaking the gospel truth, but that's not what they hear. They hear shame and guilt and all the feelings they don't want to deal with so they shoot the messenger.
Hang in there.

Birdwatch,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time this past while. If it's any consolation, I'm keeping you company. I've been really emotional and feel really raw these days. I cry easily and am feeling as though my entire marriage has been a charade. I'm having a hard time coming up with any examples of how my husband has valued and appreciated me our entire marriage. I feel like a total shmuck for being with him in the first place. I just always believed that he really loved me, was devoted to me and respected me. Now I feel like I was delusional.
Sorry to make this about me -- it just seems like we're on parallel paths at the moment.

2b,
You sound great -- strong and sane! I hope your husband continues to use this to get stronger and healthier. And that you continue to keep focused on you in a healthy way. I need to follow your example.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
so unsure girl
Member
Member # 11565
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too went through hell with a SA. I found out about my husbands affair in 6/06 but it was just the start of my hell. We were married in 88 and things were pretty good for years except for his obsession with having sex constantly. For years I just gave him whatever he wanted but then it just got to the point that I couldn't do it anymore. I have two sons who were very involved in activities and life and just stuff. Around 97ish I told him 4-5 times a week and be happy. In 2000 he just disconnected from me and our family. I had no idea what was going on. I tried everything to make him happy again. It got so bad that I said f it and attempted suicide. Things got better for the next four years. In 2004 my husband started a job that required him to travel several weeks out of the month and moved us from tx to nc. He basically abandoned us in nc. We had a huge house that anyone would envy on a golf course and major money but he was gone constantly. Strangly he was always in Fl when his area was the entire east coast. We fought constantly. Even when he was home he was gone and he was nasty as nasty can be. We finally started to reconnect in 2006 because I told him I was done. We started going out together again and playing tennis. One day we were playing tennis and he screwed up his knee. We met with a surgeon that week and luckily he had an opening that monday. He cancelled his trip and I took his to the hospital. He gave me his phone and wallet while he was in surgery. I got a text from his mistress. Shit hit the fan. He promised he wouldn't see her again but refused to send a no contact email. Six months later found out they were still in contact and he finally sent her a no contact letter. A year later found out he was on AFF, Ashley, and a bunch of others. Was sending naughty pictures to an escort. I was done. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. A wonderful person here directed me to SA. He started going in May of last year. It has been like night and day for us. He finally gets it. He met a guy his first night that was just like him. He realized he wasn't special or unique. The only difference was that his wife kicked him out completely and refused to have anything to do with him again. He lost his wife, his children, his home, his friends, his life, everything! My husband worships me every day now. He is so thankful for the opportunity that he has to have his life back. He knows this is his last chance and that he is blessed. We are a team again. What will tomorrow bring? Who knows. For today we're happy and healthy and that is all that matters. God bless!

Posts: 767 | Registered: Aug 2006
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((eternal optimist)))

So unsure girl...I am truly happy for you. You have come through so much.

Our discussion was interesting. Mostly it was to keep drilling me with questions that I don't have answers for yet like what specifically will it take for me to let up on supervised visitation? All I can say right now is that it is going to be when he is trustworthy and in control of his anger. That pissed him off. As a matter of fact the 180 totally pissed him off. I did make one little slip when he was demanding that I get him some information on dance recital in May and I told him to get it himself because I know he knows how to use the phone . That didn't go over well. In the end he said it was a waste trying to talk to me when I was so antagonistic (really I wasn't!!!). We then went to separate our cell phones and the phone guy had trouble getting it done so H blew up at him and left. I said I was sorry and my eyes started to leak. One of the other workers I had spoke with days earlier about emergency phones for the kids came over took me aside and set up a whole new account for the three of us that they would activate as soon as they recontacted H to remove his name. It was done an hour later -she took it upon herself to have the company contact him. Good people still exist!!

H shows up at sons hockey game (game 4 out of 30)and asks my daughter who sat with him about her feelings with him dating!!! What a jerk. Right after I had asked him to discuss this with our child psych before he brought up anything controversial to the children. What a miserable father he was today!!

(I forgot to mention is that the first thing he does as I am purchasing a coffee is ask me to get him a tea. I said no.)

[This message edited by grownup at 11:03 PM, February 8th (Sunday)]


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justwow, thank you for that post, especially about the lying. It helps a lot to understand that. That is one of the biggest things I am having problems with, and we had a big fight about it again last night. He told me he lied about the cable movies he was watching because he figured it wasn't a big deal and I was making too much out of it and he was kind of "entitled" to watch them, since his dad always did. Totally unacceptable to me. Basically, "what she don't know, won't hurt her". How do you develop trust in a relationship like that? He keeps telling me he is being transparent now and he is having the internet taken off his phone, and saving the cable and phone bills, so I can check them. But to me, that just means he can take it somewhere else. He doesn't understand why I won't just let him start over and trust him, because he is thinking about all this and admitting his problem. But still no counseling.

He told me if he messes up again, he will take the SA quizzes on line. I told him if he messes up again, I am not sure I will be around--how many mess ups does he think he gets? Again, it would be different if he was in counseling. That isn't even on his agenda. I love him, we had a great weekend, he treated me real well when I was with him this weekend, but he still won't talk about this stuff much, he figures the 3 hour talk last week was enough.

Back into limbo land.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14914 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brokenmom)))--So sorry for what you are going thru!

LDLH - I get more foreplay than that. Mine says "Wanna f*ck". Then I am supposed to just drop drawers and get to it. UGH!! But, like you, it is so rare anymore I usually try to get in the mood. And also, when I ask if he is "in the mood", it is always no. I think it is a control thing.

birdwatch - that is how mine talks too, about when I ask him a "personal" question. He doesn't like thinking about his emotions and feelings, It hurts his head.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:03 AM, February 9th (Monday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14914 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, NA, because you understand the lying, you DONT trust him.

This is the doorway to our purgatory on earth. We can understand our SA's and empathize and see why they do what they do and all that. But it doesn't make it okay that they do it.

He needs counseling. He needs a CSAT. We've just wasted 9 months doing couneling w/ a CSAT wannabe, because it was covered by insurance. We've come to the conclusion that a CSAT out of pocket will give us what we want and for less $$ than a divorce attorney, so H is switching.

You're H, whether he realizes it or not, is trying to bargain with you. If he messes up again..... or if you catch him again.....? He's trying to pretend to himself and you that he can control it. The addict in him is clinging for dear life to not have his supply cut off.

You can't even begin to work on the M relationship while your SA isn't sober. It would be like going to an MC with a heroin addict or an alcoholic. It takes 2 healthy people to build a healthy relationship, and he aint healthy. No offense, please, but you might not be either if you are still suffering with the trauma of being M to an SA.

So the parts have to become healthy before the whole can become healthy.

This is called detaching with love, and I struggle hugely with it daily. If I learn any terrific pointers in that area, I'll pass them on. For now, my HEAD understands he's not yet ready to work on a healthy M. My heart has a hard time catching up some days.

(((NA))), I wish I could be more helpful. I share your struggles......

JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is a control thing.

I am pretty certain it is. But heaven forbid I do the same to him!

(((((NA))))


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you ever wanted to warn the new woman what she is in the middle of?

I won't because I think it will make H make our life even worse than it is and my children are already at the breaking point.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
brokenmom13
♀ Member
Member # 20878
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oy...very bad night! WH had the kids Saturday night (at my house because he's staying at OW's place.) I went to a movie with some friends and on the way home I saw OW parked around the corner from my house (she was waiting to pick him up since he also does not have a car.) I freaked out. We pulled over and she tried to duck out of sight. It was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. She was all scrunched down in the drivers seat and when she peeked up over the door, we were just staring at her. Then I yelled out, "not just a whore, but a stupid whore?" I told her to stay the fuck away from my house and my kids. When we got to my house, my WH was sitting on the porch and I immediately started screaming at him, "keep your stupid, ugly slut away from my house!" He tried to walk away and I grabbed his shirt and wouldn't let go. Then I let him have it! I told him that after all he has put me through and all of the pain he has caused (7 years of A's) he has the audacity to make me have to see her face. I told him he was a monster with no soul and didn't care about anyone but himself. He said that wasn't true and that my behavior was inappropriate! INAPPROPRIATE! As inappropriate as screwing half the state for the last 7 years? As having an A for the last 6 months? As sleeping with one of my "friends" while I was pregnant? He is unbelievable! He stomped off telling me to email him if I needed anything...I said, I won't need anything from you, you piece of shit...you two deserve each other!

Truthfully, it felt kind of good and I was all pumped up with anger and rage. Now, the anger has subsided and I just feel grief stricken. I can't stop loving this man!! Even though I hate him! When I think about being with someone else, I only want my H. I could never trust him and I don't even know how I'm going to forgive him, but I miss him and when he's here and we're not screaming at each other, it feels like the world is slightly normal again. When I'm sitting on the couch and he comes walking down the hall from the kids room, I have flashbacks to when things were okay (or at least when I thought they were.) I know I'm missing a M that was never what I thought it was. He had his first A when we were engaged. I'm missing a man that never existed. That's the guy I want back! The man that I thought he was. The man that I thought I was sharing a life with for the last 10 years. I just don't know how I'm going to get over this. How I'm going to stop feeling so much pain. When I'm going to stop wanting him back. I hate the fact that he's now claiming to be in SLAA and finally sees that he's a SA and wants to get help, but couldn't do it for me and our kids! He'll try to recover for his skank, but not for his family.


Me: BS (39) Him: WH (29)
D Day: 8/31/08
Together 10 years, married 6
Two sons, 3.5, 23mths.
False R started 9/16.
Second Dday 10/18 NC as of 10/19, in R. Third Dday 1/17, he's gone.

*Coffee buddy or support group in Los Angeles area?


Posts: 76 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.