Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest hurdle I wil have is H admitting he is a SA. He has not been diagnosed but he shows all the signs. We are going to MC and I really hope he can be lead in the right direction. If he chooses to keep looking at the porn, etc. then I will not stay in this marriage.

A counselor who specializes in sexual issues? Addiction issues???


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
young&confused
♀ New Member
Member # 22723
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really new to both the site and this situation, but I have a few things to say regarding ADs.

To begin with, I have been depressed since ~2003 so my depression is not due to my current situation. Regardless, I have been on a few different types over the past few years. My first experience with ADs did not help at all on low doses and at high doses I had crippling side effects. In spite of the side effects, which included short term memory loss, full body sweats, and brain 'zaps', I stayed on Effexor for years. Partially because it made me numb enough to deal with everyday life, and partially because the withdrawl was too intense. After I started forgetting to hand in finished assignments on time (while in university) I decided I'd had enough and got switched to a different AD. The thing is it took me over a year to slowly come off Effexor, while increasing my dosage on the Wellbutrin. I'm currently on Wellbutrin and things depression-wise are good in spite of everything going on in my life. I was laid off in November, and had my D-day january 20 2009.

The thing I want to stress here, is that although I am depressed, the ADs have made it so I can function. Some days are still terrible, but I know they would be worse if I wasn't on them.

If anyone is thinking about trying them, just make sure you are aware of how it is affecting your body (write down any noticeable changes) because they do affect everyone differently. A drug that worked wonders for me, may be terrible for you. But I really think that if you are in a deep depression that is affecting your work (and it doesn't seem to be going away) ADs are not a bad option. So, there you go. I have a bad story and a good one. Its a trial and error process, which sucks, but I think the benefits are worth it.

just my 2 cents on that.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Toronto, Canada
young&confused
♀ New Member
Member # 22723
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, now the hard part. My story.

We are both really young, He is only 21 and I am 24. We had what I thought was a extremely strong relationship where we could talk about everything. Which apparently wasn't the case. We haven't been dating that long, but the connection we have is unique, which is why I am even considering staying. We both have issues, and we have known that since we met, and for the most part we talked about them. But here it goes:

I knew that he masturbated a lot, (and had a Giant porn collection) but I figured that it was because he is 21… and although HE had expressed concern over it being 'compulsive' on occasion I had never thought much of it (I guess I thought he was overthinking it). He had also talked to me about feeling a lack of intimacy and unfulfillment after sex (like he wanted it, but afterwards felt guilty and bad about doing it). He went to therapy a few times but it was through his university and they cancelled one of his appointments (snow-day) and he just never went back. <-- all of this occurred without me ever thinking twice about it… and all within the first 3 months of dating him. (we started officially dating September of 2007 -- but had spent all of July and August working together in a remote camp… which is really where we got to know each other and our actual relationship started)

We moved in together in February 2008, but I travelled for work nearly all the time, so I was never around. (like gone for 2 months then home for 2 weeks)

Over the past year he has had 2 drunken ONS and has had numerous online sexual conversations with 1st OW and his ex-GF, and possibly one other girl (but that wasn't online).

He was devastated when I found out, because he knew that it would hurt me (duh). He kept saying that he didn't really understand why he did it (although he came up with a list of possible reasons he used to justify to himself afterwards -- told me that he didn't think any of them were good reasons) and that HE felt sick about it. Promised to never do it again, and has been working diligently to do things to regain my trust. We talked about counseling and he actually went in for a counseling consultation within 3 days of me finding out. He ended up just getting a referral sheet (he had gone to his university counseling services) and so later that same day we went to one of the clinics on the sheet and are now seeing a therapist there (for couples counseling). He also has a IC, although not one who specializes in sex addiction, and I am in the process of getting one as well. (I have no income so am on a list at a free clinic).

I started looking up things online, and found this site. It was here, in the ONS thread that the concept of sex addiction arose. I googled it, and started reading about it. As I was reading I realized that it fit scarily close to his behavior. What floors me though is how young he is… I suppose addiction doesn't age discriminate, but its hard to fathom.

When he got home from school that day I asked him to take the online test and his score came out saying that he likely does have a problem. I guess one comfort is knowing that *HE* knows he has a problem, and so I don't feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall. One more thing, without prompting from me, he actually deleted his ENTIRE porn collection from his computer just a few days ago. I was really surprised, but in a good way.

Hmm, so this was a lot longer than I originally intended but my main questions are:
- If he deals with it now, is it likely to re-emerge as he gets older? He says that he thinks I am "the one" and the ONLY thing preventing me from agreeing whole heartedly is the knowledge that I may just be putting myself in harms way. (although I know we wouldn't actually consider getting married for many years to come… but I don't want to stick around through all this pain if I don't think its going somewhere)
-
- I have always thought masturbation is healthy… I understand that compulsive masturbation isn't, but are men with sex addiction not able to masturbate in a healthy fashion (and that’s what is bad… or do most people think that masturbation is not healthy at all?).

Am I just being stupid by wanting to stay? (being that we have no kids, not married etc)

Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm feeling pretty lost these days.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Toronto, Canada
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Some Thoughts from Moi in S. Calif...:)

~To begin, I so appreciate this thread & all of you ladies even if I don't post very often! I couldn't SURVIVE w/out my in-person S-Anon group support ladies...I'm sure THIS forum is a Godsend--espec. to those of you who do NOT have a local group to go to!
xoxoxoxoxo

I think it's key to remember that every SA has a different pattern/different drugs-of-choice/different time-line for their recovery (IF by God they do CHOOSE Recovery!).
For example, my husband hasn't looked at porn since the 1st D-Day 2 YEARS AGO-- 'cept for 1 magazine right before he went to an intensive week-end for sex addiction right out of the gate of getting busted w/ on-line porn. Odd compared to other SA's? Maybe. But true.

Another oddity to me? He jumped behavior to massage parlors about 1 year after 1st d-day--totally NEW BEHAVIOR...but he STILL didn't look at/go back to the porn! Go fecking figure...:)He wasn't really IN recovery then...and w/ his girls knowing about the adddiction & dealing w/ his childhood crap & father's death, he jumped categories. HE doesn't understand it.
It was after he got busted w/ MP stuff TWICE he realized he truly WAS a SA...and embraced SA 12 Step for HIMSELF.

He has often said not to assume HE has done the behaviors of other SA's...

My H. just said the other night he was struck to hear that soooo many SA men at his meetings share that they cannot even go by a magazine rack/computer w/out looking at porn. PERIOD. He reminded me that every addict is DIFFERENT...has their own unique struggles...
Who knows why 1 person can handle X & another has the addiction so much stronger...

I truly believe that my H's addiction would've been WAAAY worse had he had more access to computers/know-how over the years (he's in construction)...IF he would've had e-mail or a private laptop, etc. I'm SURE he would've escalated a lot faster...done chats/ads...maybe whoknowswhatELSE. He hasn't ever had a Facebook or the like either...nor does he travel much. I'm thankful for some of those things now...
Anyway, i'm rambling...but I just think that it's important to know that sex addiction manifests differently in people. Doesn't help to comapre say YOUR H's acting out to anothers, ya know? But we do that a lot, huh?

~As it's been said here over & over, what matters is IF the sex addict is willing to admit his addiction AND to get into True Recovery...
AND, if the partner/spouse is willing to educate themselves on the nature of the addiction and to work on themselves...
Otherwise, there IS NO HOPE.
Addiction cannot be wished away, denied away, or even prayed away. God gives us people to walk along side us...some call it God-with-skin-on...He rarely zaps one & magically erases their problems/issues...WHY? Because WE have WORK to do on ourselves...
Case-in-point: My husband quit drinking/drugging 22 years ago...just-like-that cuz he knew he'd lose his family if he didn't...AND we believe he was able to do it on his own for whatever reason...BUT...guess what? BECAUSE he never got into therapy or 12 Step to work through his issues, he never GREW or matured much even after quitting the substances! We NOW wish he would've gone to 12 Step way back then! So, I think it's a Blessing that God doesn't just zap things most of the time...
Addiction is a very, very complicated thing to understand, as we humans are very very complicated. Prayer is wonderful & powerful...but pray for understanding & to be lifted out of denial...pray for your SA to recognize his need for HELP...that he cannot do it alone...and neither can we...

Bless Us All...hope everyone can get some rest tonight...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 10:30 PM, February 24th (Tuesday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Young and Confused:

You said:
"Over the past year he has had 2 drunken ONS and has had numerous online sexual conversations with 1st OW and his ex-GF, and possibly one other girl (but that wasn't online)."

These are the things that you know about. You should consider there is probably more that you don't know about, especially if you travel for work and aren't there 24/7 to watch him.

He is 21 and his hormones are raging, so it is hard to say if he is a full-blown sex addict or if he is just a 21 year-old non-committal type of guy who playing the field while his girlfriend is working out of town. As far as being devastated that he has hurt you, that may well be. How does he explain ONS #2 and the sex talk with other girls? As far as him being devastated, remember that all cheaters are sorry when they are caught.

Whether or not he has a sex addiction can only be determined by a counselor who specializes in that area. And if he does have a sexual addiction, it is a lifelong issue. And it is progressive, meaning if he doesn't get a handle on it, and stay on top of it, it can manifest itself in many ways.

My advice, knowing what you know thus far? Get out. Find a man who will not do this to you.

I know it hurts, but it can hurt a lot worse.

[This message edited by somer222 at 12:40 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 12:53 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

young&confused
One more thing, without prompting from me, he actually deleted his ENTIRE porn collection from his computer just a few days ago. I was really surprised, but in a good way.

This means nothing. Addicts do it all the time. My rSA has gotten rid of his entire stash multiple times but then he'd always build it back up. (This of course was before he was in recovery.) So I'm just saying don't for a millisecond think that this means he's healthy or cured (FYI, there is no "cure") or even on the path to recovery. He got caught, he freaked out, he deleted. Nothing more, nothing less.

If he deals with it now, is it likely to re-emerge as he gets older?

First off you have to understand that if he is truly a sex addict he will always be a sex addict. ALWAYS. He will never be cured. He may choose to get sober and be in recovery but he will have to work at it his whole life. FOREVER. So the question of it re-emerging is moot in terms of it "going away" and "coming back." However, even if he gets sober now and is in recovery he could and probably will "slip" at some point. It's VERY common. Frankly, because he is sooooo young, I think his chances of true sobriety and true recovery right now are very slim. Not impossible, but VERY unlikely.

He says that he thinks I am "the one" and the ONLY thing preventing me from agreeing whole heartedly is the knowledge that I may just be putting myself in harms way. (although I know we wouldn't actually consider getting married for many years to come… but I don't want to stick around through all this pain if I don't think its going somewhere)

As I said he may decide to get sober and seek treatment but because of his age I don't know how successful he'll be. If I were you I wouldn't bet my life on him being the one for you.
I have always thought masturbation is healthy… I understand that compulsive masturbation isn't, but are men with sex addiction not able to masturbate in a healthy fashion (and that’s what is bad… or do most people think that masturbation is not healthy at all?).

In people who are not sex addicts a little masturbation is healthy. If he is truly a sex addict, sober means that he can never, ever masturbate again. Ever. True sobriety for a sex addict means abstaining from sex unless it's with your one and only partner. This includes masturbating. Do you think a 21 year old is going to be able to give up masturbation entirely? Me either. And let's look at this logically, for a sex addict masturbation releases his drug in his brain. It's no different than an alcoholic having a beer. Would you tell an alcoholic it was ok to have beer as long as he didn't have hard liquor? Of course not. An alcoholic cannot have ANY alcohol. A SA cannot masturbate. Can you imagine a 21 year old giving it up?)

Am I just being stupid by wanting to stay? (being that we have no kids, not married etc)

I don't think you're stupid at all. I think you care for this young man a great deal. I do think that you have no idea what you're in for if you do stay. SA is FOREVER. Sober or in recovery or not, it's forever. He will have to WORK at it and you'll always wonder.

Whether you stay with him or not, you should really educate yourself about sex addiction and about codependence. The school of thought is that women who choose addicts do it for some underlying reason (it's not conscious) and if you don't figure out why you chose an addict you're very likely to do it over and over again. I did. I was involved with SAs twice in my early to mid-twenties. I had no idea what SA was at the time and had no clue either was SA (this realization came about after finding out about my husband's SA) When I met my rSA I thought I was picking a guy the least like the two I'd been involved with before and it turns out he was probably actually worse before he got sober.

If I were you and knowing what I know, I would not stay with him. I'm 41 years old and I have a 5 year old daughter, my situation and the reasons I stayed do have a lot to do with my age and the fact that I have a child with him.

Here is a TON of info for you.

First and foremost you should read, "Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes. Read this book, whether you stay or not you need to read this book. If you do NOTHING else, seriously, READ THIS BOOK. It will help you.

If you want to learn more about sex addiction, after you read "MaSH" you could read "Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes. This will educate you about sex addicts in general.

It probably would not be a bad idea for you to find a counselor who specializes in codependence and get some counseling while you go through this.

Here are some resources to give to your boyfriend if he really wants help. It's okay for you to give this information to him but don't get sucked into doing research for him or making appointments for him. It's NOT healthy. It's not your job. It's HIS responsibility if he wants to get help. Ok?

His best hope for recovery is to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your boyfriend faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

Reading material for the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I don't recommend you read this, it will just scare the crap out of you. It's written FOR the SA and it's intended to scare him.)

"Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom.

PM me anytime and keep posting in this thread, it's great group of ladies!
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

young&confused:

Do some more research on SA. The more you know, the less you'll doubt whether your SO is SA or not.

7yrs is my Yoda on this thread, she is very wise and experienced, please listen seriously to the wisdom she so generously shares.

One part of your post stuck out to me:

What floors me though is how young he is… I suppose addiction doesn't age discriminate, but its hard to fathom.

One of the Carnes books points out that many (not all) SA's begin their addiction quite young - like 9 to 13 years old. And when you consider the high percentage of SA's who are physically, sexually and/or emotionally abused as children, it makes some sense that this "broken" coping strategy develops quite early in many SA's.

Best of health to you, mentally and physically, on this very strange journey.

-JW

[This message edited by JustWow at 6:21 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Young and Confused,

The advice given by 7 years is very, very good.

My ex husband, and note I said ex, has lost everything in his life due to the consequences of his addition, which is very progressed.

He does not think he has a problem, even though he has been diagnosed by a professional. He made a stab at SAA and it was just that. There was no real commitment or work on getting better.

He is angry with me, his entire family and a lot of other people, too, for his losses in life. He has hurt everyone who has ever loved him. His business is bankrupt now, too.

And this isn't even the worst case scenario. I know it can get worse and it probably will get worse. I'm afraid one day I will see his name in the paper for being arrested, or that someone will murder him, because he is seeking out the worst type of women (who have pimps) to act out with.

What I am trying to say is don't knowingly walk into this kind of a situation. You are young. You have no children with him. There are a lot of available men to partner with in your age group who don't have this kind of problem.

Read the books suggested by 7 years, go to counseling to find out why you've attracted this man and why you stayed with him after learning he has cheated on you multiple times. That is very important.

And continue to read this forum. It is very sobering. There is a lot of pain in here and people who are trying to do their own recovery from the aftermath of loving and partnering with a SA.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this post doesn't go overlooled.

I had a talk with my H and he said he wa willing to have us go to MC again once I move back with him.

He's currently in the Army and this week I've been packing to move with him to his duty station. I had to stay behind for now.

Even though he found a contact for SA where he's at right now, and he's willing to go through SA, I wake up this morning just as doubtful as ever.

Another thing came to mind, though he was clean for 10 months, and he came forward, I am not sure if I have any more energy to check up on him.

How do all of you who are R'd with your SA spouses have that energy? I've been doing this for almost 2 years.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 9:17 AM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Young&confused,

Keep in mind my user name when reading my advice. I can be a bit of an "eternal optimist" -- however, I certainly knew young people in their early 20s (now in their 40s) with pretty bad drug and alcohol problems. Two in particular got sober and have never looked back. They simply don't drink and don't do drugs.
So I tend to believe that young people can sometimes be MORE willing to go into recovery and that status simply defines who they are. Young people are more malleable that way.
That said, the others' advice to educate yourself is the first step. Know what you're dealing with. If you walk away, I suspect you're the kind of person who needs to know that you made the best choice and won't have second thoughts.
You're clearly a compassionate person and it was be easy to be fooled by addicts -- they're often charming and those of us who like to caretake can be sucked in by their needing us. Learn to establish clear boundaries NOW so you can make a clear-headed decision.

Good luck. We're all here to help.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree2007

I guess I'm firmly in the camp that you can't R with an SA, you can only R with a recovering SA.

It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship, and until an SA is firm and committed to their own recovery, they aren't healthy, so any real R isn't possible.

If you want to give him time to get further in his recovery before you commit to R, I say you not only can, but should.

Does this mean you can't make the move? That's up to you. You need to figure out how to protect yourself until he is healthy enough to be safe to be in a relationship. That's a tough task, I know.

I wish I could be more helpful.

[This message edited by JustWow at 1:23 PM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow, I don't have much time to decide to stay or go. I have to decide by the end of this week.

I just talked with my H a few minutes ago and I told him that if he's just seeking the help for me and the kids, he's wasting his time because he has to want it himself. I asked him if he wanted the help and he said yes... That helps but a part of me wonders if he really means it.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MomofThree,

I agree with JustWOW.
Part of the reason you are so exhausted with checking is because he is not recovered, and it is NOT your job. All of us Spouses may sound like we do not understand, or just have this "strength," that you don't believe you have. You do, you just have to find it.

Guess where you find it? Within yourself with help from IC, support, and time time time.
We have all been where you are. We struggled with trying to "help" our SAHs. We all struggled with the frustration of our need to work on ourselves.
How many times have you thought, even briefly; "why should I, HE is the one with the problem!"
I spent from the end of July to October in strong resistance to COSA and believing I was a codependent type person. I still HATE that word, but the descriptions definitely fit me.
My suggestion: IC for you, COSA for you, then you will start finding the ability to trust yourself to know if he acts out.

Believe me, it isn't easy getting there, and it is easy to slip back without daily reminders, and I have just arrived there myself in the past two months.

All of the advice and literature strongly suggests no decisions for at least a year once SA is determined. So there ya go; the weight is off of you. Give it time, a year in which to become healthy and strong.

SAs take at least 2 yrs for recovery, sometimes longer.

My SAH has been going to SAA faithfully for 6 months and Group therapy, and IC for 5 months, and he is still having a hard time. This past relapse has really opened his eyes. He is accepting the help he has been too arrogant to realize he needs for the last 6 months.

If a SAH with a sponsor and 6 hours a week support can struggle this hard, imagine an addict without it.

Very long-winded, but I feel for your frustration. I was there not too long ago.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read your reply MomofThree.

So choose which route you can gain the most help and resources. Take your SAH out of the equation.

Only ask: What do I need to do for ME and my children. Then choose.

That may mean going there for the help available. It may mean going to to Hawaii because you want to.
It may mean protecting yourself and choosing to stay.

Your words are victim-speak. Take control of your life, take back your power.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may mean protecting yourself and choosing to stay

You mean stay where I'm at or stay in this marriage?

I got off the phone with my H again and I asked him if he honestly wants the help for himself. He told me he does because he's seen the results of an advanced SA and he doesn't want that to happen to him.

I believe he wants to judging by that answer. I know he isn't recovered but what am I to do? Live in ignorant bliss?


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On base the resources for self help wil be more available and affordable so in that sense it might be better to move there.

My sons have a developmental delay and with command sponsorship they'll find the proper help for them.

The benefits for the family are unbeatable but I don't know what to do for myself.

I'm afraid that if I don't check up on him, I'll be in the dark again and I rather be depressed about the truth than live in ignorant bliss.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On base the resources for self help wil be more available and affordable so in that sense it might be better to move there.

My sons have a developmental delay and with command sponsorship they'll find the proper help for them.

The benefits for the family are unbeatable but I don't know what to do for myself.

I'm afraid that if I don't check up on him, I'll be in the dark again and I rather be depressed about the truth than live in ignorant bliss.

First off, all the advise the others gave is spot on. Very, very good advice.

As to this. It sounds to me like you know what to do short term. You need to move to be with him for the benefit it gives YOU and your kids.

As for him, he needs to get into SA and find a CSAT. One or the other isn't enough, he needs both.

As for the ignorant bliss part. No you should not live in ignorance. You also cannot spend all your time being a detective. You need to set clear boundaries and consequences and then surrender the outcome. Be aware of what's going on. Listen to your gut. You don't have to obsess and constantly check up on him. You'll know if you need to verify. His behavior will give you clues. If it doesn't feel right, check it out. If you don't find anything LET IT GO. Don't second guess it.

If you haven't already, read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and get counseling.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is a CSAT?????

I'll be able to find IC for myself on base but the question was, what am I going to do for myself in regards to trust since I don't want to obsess over what he's doing. He knows I'm on to him. This weekend when he e-mailed another women to tell her God knows what, I found no evidence on the internet. Either he opened up a new account, or cleaned out his "sent mail" folder.

I don't want to live like that. He gave me good reasons to want to get well but I don't have the energy to keep checking up on him.

Sometimes his behavior is not the best indicator of whether or not he's not slipping up.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 3:06 PM, February 25th (Wednesday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.

And it is, from our experience NECESSARY that an SA is treated by one.

Check out Patrick Carnes' website, I think he has links for finding one in your area.

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where can you go to find a sex addiction therapist?


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.