Look at each step and decide what YOU need for YOU.
Breathe deep, you're on your path now. We'll all walk with you as much as we can.
Don't pressure yourself with too much at once, it can be overwhelming.
BTW, in the middle of a midwestern winter, I'm a teeeny bit jealous about Hawaii.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Normally he believes if it's his time to go then it's his time.
However, when it came to talk about deployments he would say "I'll be a hard man to kill with you waiting for me at home." After our fight over his resent slip up he reminded me that it won't be long before his deployment and to not expect him to come home.
He'll be seeing very little combat in his job so while it's true that they're still that chance, it's obvious he's just sending me on a guilt trip.
Yeah, he says he won't stop me from leaving but he won't let me go without making me feel guilty.
I admit, I don't want our last form of communication to be a fight. If I lose him in combat I will be very devastated knowing that.
All SA's are the same aren't day? Some may own up to their shit but they'll still use some form of pressure tactic.
I'm trying to look on the bright side. Maybe I'll find my second husband over there
Seriously though, I'm going crazy.
No matter what I choose it's a no-win situation.
I'm willing to have sex with him every day that he goes without acting out.
I just don't want to on the days he acts out.
I just don't want to on the days he acts out.
Right now because you know he's not sober and not in recovery, you should assume that he acts out every day.
Read this website:
Read it again. And again and again. Until you understand that to truly set a boundary you have to surrender the outcome.
I don't know how else to word it.
I'm just saying I have no problems having sex with him when he hasn't acted out. He's been able to be sober for weeks at a time and I'm happy and willing to have sex with him.
When I find out he's acted out, it disgusts me.
The more I talk about this the more I keep leaning towards staying behind. Obviously it's going to be more of the same even with counseling.
So far, I'm still going but with serious reservations.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 5:25 PM, February 26th (Thursday)]
If I stay, I'll be constantly looking over my shoulder until he's recovered and if I separate from him I'll still be questioning if this was the right choice.
I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation. Dealing with SA is difficult enough, let alone having to do so when your spouse is in the military and is being/may be deployed. I cannot imagine the confusion and helplessnes you might be feeling.
7yrsbetrayed and others are right. Your husband is not in recovery. You cannot control someone to make them recognize their problem (or the depth of their problem). You also cannot control the person as to how he deals with the problem (i.e. seek help or avoid, etc.). Like my counsellor says, you cannot force someone to get treatment by a court order; it doesn't work that way.
What IS within your control is to look after yourself and your children, seek counselling and therapy for yourself, and set boundaries/consequences and follow through with them.
Many CSATs suggest that a SA who is in recovery (which is not our husband's case) to engage in an abstinence period of 90 days. Dr. Patrick Carnes' book, Don't Call It Love, has detail explanation for that.
This official abstinence period aside, sexual relations must not only be legally consensual, but should be enjoyed by both parties in a mutually respectful way. I choose the word respectful deliberately, because I do not wish for a moment to dictate what sex means for other couples. Each couple has their own "agreement". The relevant point is your wishes, desires and boundaries must be respected (so must his). If you need to feel intimate and safe for sex to be rewarding for you, then think carefully about engaging in sex when you don't feel intimate and safe. You should not have to lose your self respect, self worth and identity. To have sex with someone simply to control them or to please them, while disregarding your own wishes is as unhealthy a way to engage in sexual activity as sex addiction itself.
In addition, I fear that you may be subconsciously blaming yourself for your husband's acting out. You did not do anything wrong. He acted out and committed a wrong. He is fully responsible. Any suggestion by him or youself that somehow he was driven to SA, or may be driven to SA in the future, because of a poor sex life reflects a lack of understanding of the nature of SA.
SA is not about sex. It is about addiction, the cycle of stress, shame, guilt and numbing. It is about the lack of healthy ways to handle negative events and feelings in life.
I truly am sorry about your situation. You are valuable. You are entitled to have your wishes respected. You should not do anything that runs against your conscience or wishes.
Does the government provide free counselling for people in the military and their spouses? If so, are you and your husband taking advantage of this? Even if such free service is not available, you should still consider IC for yourself. It is critical for you to seek professional help to heal.
Finally, I think there is another Thread for Military Deployment. I wonder if you wish to post there in addition to this Thread. There must be special challenges you are facing and you may find comfort to hear from others who are in your situation.
My best wishes,
[This message edited by birdwatch at 6:42 PM, February 26th (Thursday)]
what I'm trying to say is that on a good day, I am happy and willing to have sex with him. For the past year the intimacy has been great.
I just don't want to have sex after I find out he has a slip up.
You all have a point, I can't control what he does. Which is why if this cycle continues I'll have to leave.
As for 90 day abstinence, my H did talk about that but within a few months we'll be apart for a year so we might as well wait till then.
I posted on that thread but that's for WS's who had affairs while on deployment. I still posted to ask if they knew of any counselors on base. I haven't gotten a response.
At this point I don't really have the heart to leave him.
Maybe I'll feel a lot different once I'm in Hawaii.
I've never been there before and this could be my last chance to ever see it.
It's not like I'm leaving the country.....
His acting out has absolutely NADA to do with YOU having sex w/ him or not. Listen to these wise ladies.
Also, he should be having a minimal 90 day period of abstinence anyway...period. I recommend you in fact, do NOT have sex with him so he can get sober & healthy in all ways. BUT, that's just my opinion...
My H.'s addict-y sex drive mellowed A LOT after the 90 days abstinence from all-things-sexual...
Dear lord, I hope you have a S-Anon group where you are moving...so glad you found this support site!
The purpose of this 90 days is to help him realize that sex isn't his most important need and TO WORK ON BUILDING REAL EMOTIONAL INTIMACY during this time. So, using a deployment as this period of abstinence won't be very useful, you two need to be together to work on building non-sexual intimacy.
But put this in the "not for today" box of worries. It is for when he is SOBER and when you are ready, but it isn't for when he is deployed, IMO.
I thought that was during the time he was going through the 12 steps.
Thanks for clearing that up.
My H found a group where he's going. He already keeps in touch with somebody and first priority on our budget after the bills and the groceries will be MC, and IC.
If you remember my tired old line of "it takes 2 healthy people to build a healthy relationship" bit, he needs to get some sobriety, some IC, some healthier coping skills under his belt bfore he'll really be ready to do anything substantitive for the M. You, darllin, probably need some IC as well, to deal with the trauma of being M to an SA, as well as the trauma of any infidelities. So, triage the parts, before you try to sew them back together.
Feel free to gag me whenever you're sick of my 2 cents...
I've been putting myself under a lot of stress thinking so far ahead.
I've come to the conclusion that I'll be question my decision whether I stay here with my family or go to HI with my H.
He'll have to go a year being sober before I can really trust him again.
In the 10 months he's spent without trying to have an online EA, he's only been a month fully sober where it also includes no masturbating or looking at porn.
I realize I need IC for myself as well. I will look into that.
I think this will be the last time I make this type of effort. I believe that after having sought all sorts of counseling for each other, I'll be able to safely say we've tried everything.
Once all efforts have been made there won't be much left to do.
I welcome all the advice all you ladies are willing to give me. In fact, it's what's been getting me through this rough week.
If after I've tried MC, and IC for both of us, there's no change, I'll have to leave even though I might probably fly back home with my kids and just the clothes on our backs. . . That's where my back up plan of finishing school comes in.
There have been times when he notices I'm not interested in sex and asks me if I want him to leave me alone.
I guess should he act out like I've been worrying and he asked me that I'll take him up on it.
I can't say there haven't been any changes since he started attending the meetings.
My husband had the audacity to say the dumbest thing after I discovered his SA & multiple ONS's. He actually said "at least I didn't have an long term affair"
WTF? As if screwing 15 women over 4 years wasn't as bad, if not worse??? Yes, these were "one hour" sexual gratification sessions, but I truly don't see how he can think it wasn't as bad as a LTA.
Am I crazy or was he trying to rationalize his activities when he said that?
[This message edited by kitticat at 3:29 PM, February 27th (Friday)]
I'm so sorry. He's making excuses.
Has he acknowledged that he is a SA?
I had to tell him I was going to do it 24 hours before because I'm having a hard time trusting him. If he slips up between now and 24 hours before I move, that will seal my decision to leave.
I know I've said it before but I realize I have to follow through and I can't fly halfway around the world leaving my family for more of the same. If I make such a decision I can't be without a car. My household goods can be replaced but to me, being without a car is like being without legs.
He put no pressure on me and he said "ok, if that's the way you want it." In an understanding tone. I feel better now.
Tomorrow morning he's attending his first SA meeting in 6 months. He said he'd do everything in his power to go.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 5:27 PM, February 27th (Friday)]
I'm dissapointed but like I said, in his job he can't just "call in sick"....