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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NA! I love all you guys too. In person this is easier because I can convey my caring and concern physically. Being a blunt person on the internet gets really tricky because you don't have body language cues and tone of voice (I have a very expressive voice or so I'm told) to convey the deep compassion I feel for all spouses of SA.

What do I tell my kids? They are dd 10, ds 16, ds 18, dd 20.

Do you have a counselor you can ask? A school psychologist or something? I worry about the 10 year old. This is a pivotal time for her in forming opinions of men and what a husband/partner should be. My sister's ex-husband screwed me up in a big way when I was that age (I suspect he's a sex addict) because he set a very poor example by the way he treated my older sister and frankly, the way he treated me. If a BIL can do that, I'm thinking step-dad has more of an effect. With the three older kids (16, 18 and 20) I think you should explain addiction in general and explain that porn and sex can be addicting just like anything else. Tell them that your husband is an addict. It doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him someone with a problem. That he is still a worthy human being but he's not a good husband anymore because he doesn't want to get better. I think the older ones can handle that.

Have you done any research online? Maybe there is info out there about what to disclose and how to do it based on age?? I know my rSA has said that his counselor says there is a book about it that my rSA will want to read if we have a son. But he hasn't said anything about what to tell or not tell our daughter. Obviously, nothing now because she is only 5 but I think at some point she should know. Daughters of addict tend to grow up and get involved with them. I don't want that for her.

Hang in there! You are doing great! You've come so far and you're doing a lot of really hard emotional work on your own. I'm very proud of you!
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, 7yrs!! I do have to agree with NA, that we love your sage, blunt advice. I know that I'm sorta in this confused meddle and I need some loving 2x4's of SA recovery to get my head to think clearly.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing myself about him going to see my IC. I'm definitely going to have to talk to him. He was our MC so he knows both of us. I don't know if he would see us both but I think he should definitely see my SAH or recommend someone that is just as good.

I'm just not sure my SAH would want him as a C because he cuts to the chase and I think his IC may have sorta poisoned him against my IC. Oh well. We'll figure this whole mess out and get him a C that can deal with all this.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, the funny thing is, a lot of people I think try to be very tactful and gentle with their advice (which is great, and I would need if I wasn't so braindead), but dealing with an addict has left me kind of in a confused and numb-type of state, where it is harder to think clearly a lot, so when you are more blunt, it actually sinks in a bit better. I don't have to think (what is she really saying?)

I made an appointment for dd 10 yrs with a counselor on Thursday, because I am also worried about her disconnecting, or seeking out the wrong type of relationship. She absolutely adored this man. Breaks my heart.

The older kids will be okay, but shocked, I think. It won't effect them as badly, since they are mostly college bound and out of the house or ready to go right now, although they told me before (when things were going well), that they were glad I had someone good for a change ( ), and my youngest one said he wanted me to go because that way I will be taken care of in my old age. (He isn't quite so tactful either!) Oh well. Will have to show them I am fine on my own!

Thanks a lot, 7yrs, (and everyone else) for all your encouragement; I don't feel that I am doing so well, because right now I am terribly sad, and feeling guilty and bothered because I know this is going to hurt him. I know he doesn't really mean it so much when he gets nasty, that is just his bad coping and addiction coming out, but still, it affects me terribly negative and I just can't live that way anymore. And I definitely cannot do these ups and downs. That IS abusive! But still can't stand to hurt him (I guess that is part of my codependency, but geez, I can pull away some, but can't stop the empathy/compassion stuff--I still pick up worms on the sidewalk and put them on the dirt)--that is why I can't fish!

When he finally realizes that I seriously am not coming, it is going to tear him apart. After he asked for the D, the next day he asked me to move down there. I told him no, nothing had changed, but we have been friendly again, and he didn't move his money like he said he would. So I am using this reprieve to get my finances in order. I'm thinking that when I have the D lawyer ready, I will start asking him again if he will go to counseling, that always angers him bad, and that is when he wants to leave, so then when he says he wants to leave again (and I am getting pretty familiar with this dance), then I can just serve the papers then. Or if he just says no, I will tell him I am going to serve him then, because I just cannot do this. One time he asked for a D, I cancelled the court date to move down there. Next time he asked for a D, I called the van mortgage company and had them send him the papers to switch his van over to his name (so I won't get stuck with it after the divorce, I can't afford it). Next time, he will get the papers. I know this seems like I am drawing it out, but I really don't want to lose my home. My kids need some stability, they have had a hard life. I'm not ready yet, I need a job, and I am taking my resume out Monday, to 5 different places (that is my goal). I got all the info together, and tomorrow I am typing it up.

Man, i am looking forward to a drama-free life for a change!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
gibbonsrose
♀ Member
Member # 16280
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, February 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I'm very blunt and I don't sugar coat things. I get right to the point but please know this comes from a place of caring and concern and wanting to help others.)

7yrs, you rock, honey.

After living with an SA, and the profound bull shit that THAT entails, your "straight-up, straight-forward" approach is a necessary and stop-in-your-tracks wake-up call... and a refreshing change from the realities we have all faced from the back side.

I get it... and it is much appreciated.

[This message edited by gibbonsrose at 10:24 PM, February 28th (Saturday)]


Me - Befuckled
WH - Limber at limbo *sigh*

Posts: 5040 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: mountain transplant
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,

I am terribly sorry that you have so much on your plate. Remember 7yrs' advice, tackle one thing at a time.

RE: Disclosing to Children

I believe the best interest of the children must be the paramount consideration, NOT your or your husband. My reommendation is before you attempt any disclosure, speak with your IC or someone trained in child psychology. It may be possible for you to disclose in front of a counsellor. You are a good mother and trying the best you know how to deal with a difficult situation.

RE: Grocery Bill Rung on Credit Card

I suggest you gather as much information as possible. Then ask him. He may have an explanation. Remind yourself what consequences you wish to impose for any breach of boundary.

You must do what is best for you and your children. It is normal to feel scared, overwhelmed, numb and exhausted. Take care of yourself. This is the time when IC for yourself is even more important. We are all here for you. You are NOT alone.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those BS of SA's, beware of 2 sites that I found on our computer's history log on "D-Day". They are adult friend finders dot com which is a swinger's website and redbook dot com which is where prostitutes advertise. My husband used those 2 sites exclusively to find his sexual partners.

My partner went to a forum which I don't want to name, Craigslist, and well as many other prostituation ad sites. There are actually sites kind of like a database that allow multitudes of hookers to advertise.

I'm sad that I know this stuff.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kitticat,

Please be assured you are listened to and can find support here. Every single one of us has gone through, or are going through, the same journey on which you are embarking.

Your husband's reaction is quite typical. He has to first admit to infidelity (i.e. without compartmentalization, minimization of its harm, justification, or blame). Then he has to admit to sex addiction (if he is diagnosed as such). There are therefore two hurdles, each of which happens not as a "light bulb" moment but as a painful journey of discovery.

I have the following general comments, which I had dispensed to others before,

1. Look after yourself first

Any consideration of rebuilding the marriage or husband's healing would be futile at this stage because you are simply not in the physical and emotional space to do so.

Visit a doctor to do a FULL set of STD tests. Also seek advice for possible medicine for insominia, panic attacks and/or depression.

Visit a counsellor for yourself.

If you are working, ask for a one or two weeks' vacation time.

Remember to eat and drink water/juice. I was so distraught in the beginning that I threw up all solid food. So I bought a pack of protein shake, and at 9 am, 1 pm and 7 pm every day, I forced myself to have a shake, a glass of water and one fruit.

Find support through a trusted friend, join a therapy group for spouses of SAs, and/or post here.

2. Get educated

There are many books and websites with credible information. Dr. Patrick Carnes has a number of books. Mending a Shattered Heart is recommended for spouses of SAs. Before that though, I recommend the book After the Affairs (sorry, I don't remember the author's name but sure you can google it). This book deals with affairs in general(not specifically SA). I find the book highly relevant, yet less emotionally charged than the books that are specific to SA.

3. Your husband and your marriage

While you are not in a state to help your husband's recovery or to rebuild the marriage, you should set boundaries with consequences. Others here, like 7yrsbetrayed, can give you better advice on that.

Your husband should have no contact with OWs.

You husband should see a therapist who is trained in SA, or preferrably a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Only a CSAT can make a proper diagnosis of SA, though there are websites that have on-line questionnaires to give some indication.

Your husband may join a 12-step group.

Marriage counselling comes much later when both of you and your husband have been sufficiently healed individually.

I wish to emphasize that too often, we focus on our husband's recovery and neglect our own. In the beginning, your mental health is shattered. You must focus on you and look after yourself. Only after you regain some level of emotional stability and wellness can you support your husband and rebuild the marriage (if that's what you want).

Finally, it is normally recommended that no major decision be made in the first year following discovery. You have to heal (which in itself is a painful process, that may uncover baggages from your own past that need to be addressed). You need to be emotionally well enough to make informed decisions.

It is not your fault. Something terrible has happened to you. You have been betrayed by someone who had broken a vow. When someone sets out to lie and deceive, and when you keep to your own vow of trust and monogamy, it's not your fault to not have discovered earlier.

You will survive. You are being thought of by everyone here. We are all cheering you on. Don't give up. Take care of yourself. Post as often as you want and PM any of us if you wish.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monday FANOS

For anyone who missed it, here is what FANOS is.

According to Google it was developed specifically for couples in Sex Addiction recovery.

Couples in recovery need to stay connected emotionally, and addicts' spouses need to get consistent updates about sobriety. Most couples find that in the busyness of a typical week, this connection gets easily lost.

Over time, Mark and Debbie Laaser have developed an acronym for couples to use as a guide for regular "check in" conversations. These conversations can be long or short, it's up to you. They use the acronym FANOS - from the Greek word phainos which means "to bring to light" - to guide the conversation:

Feelings – describe what / how you're feeling

Affirmations – find one or two things you want to affirm (if you're doing this with your spouse they should be about your spouse but for our purposes it can be about ANYTHING at all that was good or helpful or right for that day)

Needs – something you need today (if you're doing the exercise with your spouse it does not necessarily need to be something you need from your spouse but it can be)

Ownership – something you’ve done or said that you take responsibility / apologize for

Self-Care – report on the status of your self care attempts (or sobriety if appropriate. If doing the exercise with your SA, he will do sobriety. You may also do sobriety if you're working a 12-step recovery and have a sobriety date for stopping co-dependent behaviors etc. Or obviously if you have your own addiction problems you'd do sobriety for that.)

For those in R with a rSA try using this acronym as a guide for a conversation with your spouse every day or every few days. You will be amazed at the sense of ongoing intimacy you experience.

This is also a great tool to use in a group environment. My group did this at the beginning of each meeting. Since most of us aren't in a group IRL, this is the closest we've got.

Check in with your;
Feeling:
Affirmation:
Need:
Ownership:
Self Care (or Sobriety):

~~~~~
Here's mine:
Feeling: I'm anxious today. Money woes.

Affirmation: My 5yr old made up a poem in the car on the way to preschool and it made me very happy.

Need: I need more sleep. (this is obviously something I need to work on.)

Ownership: I've been lazy lately.

Self-care: I ate breakfast.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: Dating/Porn Sites

I echo everyone's feeling of resignation.

What led to my D Day was my discovery of a hotel charge on my husband's credit card bill. Because of that, I logged onto his hotmail account. I found dozens of emails from women on Lavalife (a dating site popular in Canada). From there I logged onto Lavalife using my husband's user name (which I gathered from the hotmail emails). Voila. Description of himself, plus pictures. In Lavalife, you can post in three categories - dating, relationship and intimate encounters. My husband designed a profile in the dating category as a single man. Then he created a different profile in the intimate encounters category as being "in a relationship, partner not inclued".

Yes, I LITERALLY, PHYSICALLY threw up that day.

Right after D Day, he deleted all his profiles in Lavalife. He genuniely thought that was how to be removed from the site. I told him he had to de-register his user account as well, which he immediately did.

He admitted that he had signed onto so many dating and porn sites during his acting out years (more than 7 years), that he genuinely could not remember every single site he had been on, either as a user or as a guest. And I actually believe him.

Also, these sites are designed to make it easy to sign on, but impossible to remove your membership.

I will give you two examples. When I was most crazy last year, right after D Day, I registered myself on AdultFriendsFinder. I did not use any real information. I just had an urge to find what my husband had to go through to sign up. It took me less than 3 minutes to sign up with an account and create a profile.

Then, I asked my husband to remove his account from AdultFriendsFinder. He came back to me a day later saying he had deleted all information on his profile, but he simply could not de-register. He asked me to help him. I tried, man, I tried, for an hour. I simply could not de-register him! So what ended up happening was that I changed the password to the account (one that my husband doesn't know). Then I changed the information on the profile to an 90 year old female who wanted bi-sexual sexual encounters.

One last bit of "gossipy" exchange of information between us ladies, my husband admitted that two of the OWs were married, and knew he was in a long term relationship. When a married person "hooked up" with another married person, there was less fear of jealousy, investment of time or "blowing one's cover". E.g. The OW did not want to get "busted" more than my husband did. If OW called my husband's cell, and my husband sounded cold or had a code word or whatever, OW would get the hint that I was around, and would NOT make a fuss. Even if I were to snatch my husband's phone and asked who it was, OW would very likely lie for my husband. Finally, both sides knew it was not a "wining and dinning" type of relatioship, so neither would be offended if they did't meet for a long time, or if they met, it would be "wam, bam, thank you mam".

My only response to the above: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ending on a positive note, because of the extent of the acting out and the copious amount of evidence, it had sped up my husband's admission and recognition of his SA. He admitted that he always thought his acting out was no big deal, and it was under control - until I printed out all the emails and profiles and showed him. It also showed me how truly out of control he was. Also, now that I am a year out, I have learned to detach and relinquish control. I cannot control my husband's behaviours or his recovery. I can only focus on myself, heal myself, and set boundaries. Thus, writing this post is not as painful as it would have even six months ago. It's easier said than done sometimes, but I am trying, and it does get better.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:18 PM, March 2nd (Monday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He admitted that he had signed onto so many dating and porn sites during his acting out years (more than 7 years), that he genuinely could not remember every single site he had been on, either as a user or as a guest. And I actually believe him.

Also, these sites are designed to make it easy to sign on, but impossible to remove your membership.


My rSA had signed up for so many that the same was true for him. He simply couldn't remember them all. I found a bunch by searching on known user names. Some I just went to the sites and did the "I forgot my password" and used all known email accounts. I could tell he wasn't lying because with a lot of them it give the last active date and it had been YEARS since he'd logged on. In some cases I could tell he'd only ever been on the site once.

He was stupid enough to use his legit email for some things so once in a great while he'll get an email trying to get him to make an account "active" again. He sends them to me and I make them go away. Either by deleting or as bird said, changing all the info to totally outrageous stuff and putting in a password no one could duplicate. I basically just type jibberish without paying attention.

When we deleted my rSA's AFF account it was fairly easy to find. Maybe they've changed it now. I also got around that on some sites by emailing the tech support email saying I was the spouse and threatening to sue them. That worked sometimes.

ETA: Most of the women my rSA hooked up with were married too. The single ones were the scary ones. I think there was one who had potential to be obsessed with him. If I hadn't caught him when I did and if I hadn't scared the crap out of her I think that could have gotten ugly. There was no romance. No lovey dovey stuff. No gifts. No meals. They met at the woman's home or a motel and had sex. That was it. Most were one time only. What's especially horrifying to me is the women who invited a complete stranger to their homes!!! They didn't meet in a public place first. They exchanged a few emails, maybe a chat or two and then they would just give him their address and tell him when to be there! He could have been a serial killer!!! WTF is wrong with these people?? And frankly, my rSA was damned lucky!! What if any one of those had been an enraged husband looking to kill the next guy that showed up????? It's horrifying when you think about it.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 12:57 PM, March 2nd (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey 7yrs.,
When you have time, could you explain the reasons that it is such a big no no for the spouse to be the accountability partner?

M H has an official one, but sometimes I wonder if our discussions end up with him sort of using my input for that role.

I expect him to self-report any acting out he does to me. I feel like I need to know for my own safety and boundaries if he is acting ot and how often, and that he is actively working toward recovery. I don't need "nitty-gritty" details, just the fact that he's acting out.

But I've seen you post about this before, and each time I wonder to myself if that is what we're doing, maybe unwittingly. Lord knows we have enough bad patterns to break, we don't need to develop new bad patterns along the way.

Thanks in advance

JW

PS - Gimme some of that famous 7 blunt-talk


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - Gimme some of that famous 7 blunt-talk

Oh, you're never gonna live that one down now!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you're talking about are two different things.

Qualifications of Accountability Partner(s)
* not your spouse or partner
* same sex
* is experiencing sobriety and recovery
* is willing to be "not so nice," to ask difficult questions
* is not easily fooled
* can keep confidence
* is available for daily check in by phone or email
* will meet for regular face-to-face meetings
* is willing to be "on call" for times of stress and temptation

(This is why all SAs need a GROUP!! Whether it's SA or a group facilitated by his CSAT. They NEED accountability partners and the ONLY place to find them is in a SA recovery group.)

His accountability partner(s) are people he needs to contact BEFORE he acts out so that he won't. If he's tempted he calls an accountability partner and they talk it through. If he's struggling in any way he makes calls and does his work. It's a key part of recovery.

These are the people he relies on to help him enforce his bottom line behaviors and stop his acting out.

Do you understand why this CANNOT be you?

That said...

Yes, you need to know the status of his sobriety. I suggest you do FANOS, see my post a few posts above. You have a right to know the status and whether or not he is acting out but it's not your job to monitor him or advise him.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:24 PM, March 2nd (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 7, that is really helpful.

I absolutely see why that can't be me, why I don't want it to be me, and why he shouldn't want it to be me.

Maybe the problem I'm feeling is that he's sharing too much with me, and using me as a sounding board, then deciding whether or not to call his AcctP and tell him how much. I don't know when he calls his AcctP or what they talk about, I just suspect he's doing this.

I probably need to control these talks more, and steer him to call his AcctP when he's getting too deep into what he's telling me. I think first, I'm not an addict in recovery so I'm unqualified to help, and second, it seems like it aint the healthiest for our relationship for me to be put into this role.

Thanks 7.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe the problem I'm feeling is that he's sharing too much with me, and using me as a sounding board, then deciding whether or not to call his AcctP and tell him how much. I don't know when he calls his AcctP or what they talk about, I just suspect he's doing this.

I think it's reasonable for you to set a boundary around this. You don't have to be angry or mean, just explain why it's not appropriate (share what I posted if you want, I pulled it off the web somewhere) and that you're not comfortable. Then when he tries to do this say something like, "I love you and I'm sorry you're struggling. It sounds like you need to make some calls and work your program. I can't be your accountability partner." and walk away.

Again I think FANOS would be good for you. He can give his status and let you know if he's making calls too.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my FANOS:

Feeling: My emotions are like a yo-yo.

Affirmation: I recognize that I am struggling with co-dependent because my mood swings are directly related to how my husband feels. The recognition itself is an affirmation because I would not have realized it even six months ago.

Need - Some alone time tonight so I am not obssessed with my husband's needs/moods/recovery.

Ownership: Along the same line, I am still struggling with co-dependence issues.

Self-Care: I am far too busy this week. My former workaholic self would have kept all appointments. But not now. I rescheduled a dinner with a friend to next week. Also, going to first MC in 9 months on Thursday.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a really good FANOS, bird! Hang in there, hon.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found a bunch by searching on known user names. Some I just went to the sites and did the "I forgot my password" and used all known email accounts. I could tell he wasn't lying because with a lot of them it give the last active date and it had been YEARS since he'd logged on. In some cases I could tell he'd only ever been on the site once.

Hmmm, I didn't think of that.
*does the Grinch smile*

It's really difficult to end memberships at those kinds of sites,too. I watched my partner send the mods to an adult forum, and his membership is still active after months of sending him his e-mail. He hasn't been on that site in months (unless he created a new username).

I got an explanation of why he bought that playboy last summer when he knew it would upset me. He said it's a collector's edition that could be worth of lot of money down the road. And he just doesn't understand why it would upset me b/c he loves me so much I'm the only woman he needs yadda yadda yadda yadda heard it all before.

I really want to post that big rolling eyes smiley that pukes other rolling eyes smileys but this one will do.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said it's a collector's edition that could be worth of lot of money down the road.

BULLSHIT!!! It's a MASS PRODUCED magazine that they sell HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of copies of! It's not worth anything unless there was an error made and he got one of the few copies that didn't get pulled. In 50 years it might be worth the cover price plus a $1.00. Seriously.

He is MINIMIZING his addiction and bullshitting you.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ldlh - I swear they must read from a script. My H also had a stack of playboys. His story was that they were collectible. He used that on his last wife and she believed him, but guess what? I have been in the collectible field for 20 years, and the only Playboy that is worth more than $1 is the first Marilyn Monroe issue.

Good try, though. (I pitched them)

ETA: Oh, tell him if he wants to collect something, how about marbles!

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 3:22 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

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