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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
11yrsbetrayed
♀ New Member
Member # 21344
Helpless  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't do this anymore, be the wife an a SA. I dont have it in me to forgive him. I filed for divorce today. I feel so sad. I wish he could of pulled himself together but his addiction is just too much for me. He hasnt acted out since D-Day but the more I know about the last 11 yrs the more I know he will never overcome this, It consumed him. I am so sad!


BS (me) 31
SA-WH (him) 37
3 kids (9,7,4)
M 12 years
D-Day 8/9/08-Cheating the whole marriage, EVERY type you can think of. DDay#4,789 (at least is seems that way) 4/30/09: secret yahoo acount and 3 ads on Craigslist. I'm really done now!


Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: IL
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{11yrsbetrayed}}}
You are less than a year from Dday? Has he faced his addiction and sought treatment? I don't ask these things because I think you should stay with him but you do need to consider these things when looking at custody and visitation. Sending your kids to stay with an active SA wouldn't be a good thing. He could be very neglectful if he's still acting out to the level you describe.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 11yrsbetrayed,

I am terribly sorry that you have been betrayed and lied to for so many years.

Alas, your situation is far from unique. I had known my husband for 7 years on D Day, and he had been a SA from day one, and I had no clue. He did porn, texting, personal sites, emailing, dating, phone sex, physical sex and emotional affairs. He went to a woman's home, he rented hotel rooms and he brought a woman to our home. Yes, like your profile said, you name it, he did it.

7yrsbetrayed have asked you very insightful questions. Normally, it is recommended that no major decision be made in the first year. Whether you decide to leave or to stay, you need that first year to regain sufficient emotional stability and to heal as a person before you are able to make informed decisions.

Also, in the first year, your focus should be on you and your recovery, not your husband's recovery or your marriage.

Since D Day, has your husband been seeing a CSAT or at least a counsellor with training in SA? Has he been diagnosed as a SA? Has he joined any group or 12-steps program? Has he read any books on the subject? Is he remorseful? Is he willing and committed to recovery? Has he established no contact? Has he set his own boundaries?

How about you? Have you been educating yourself about SA and possible co-dependency? Are you seeing a counsellor for yourself? Have you joined a group? Are you looking after yourself physically (e.g. have you done a full set of STD tests? are you eating and sleeping? if applicable, have you consulted a doctor for depression, anxiety and insomnia?) and emotionally (e.g. are you dealing with the emotional aftermath of your husband's SA? are you exploring co-dependency issues? are you exploring other issues predating your marriage?)? Have you set clear boundaries and consequences for breach? Have you learned to recognize and deal with the plethora of feelings that will inevitably bombard you? Have you learned to reqlinguish control?

Like 7yrsbetrayed said, we are not convincing you to stay with your husband at all. We are simply asking you to give yourself permission to take as long as you want to heal and to make a decision. No matter what you decide, we are here to listen and support.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:28 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear they must read from a script. My H also had a stack of playboys. His story was that they were collectible. He used that on his last wife and she believed him, but guess what? I have been in the collectible field for 20 years, and the only Playboy that is worth more than $1 is the first Marilyn Monroe issue.
Good try, though. (I pitched them)

ETA: Oh, tell him if he wants to collect something, how about marbles!

LOL Im not surprised. That one must be straight from the handbook.

I mean seriously, how would it have any value anyway when someone could probably find the exact same pics on gotdamn GOOGLE.

I don't understand why he even wants to pay for porn anyway.

Dumbass.


BULLSHIT!!! It's a MASS PRODUCED magazine that they sell HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of copies of! It's not worth anything unless there was an error made and he got one of the few copies that didn't get pulled. In 50 years it might be worth the cover price plus a $1.00. Seriously.
He is MINIMIZING his addiction and bullshitting you.


You know I bet if I asked he would tell me he didn't use it.

I know this is just another part of his love of celebrities. If he spent half the amount of time having sex me as he did whacking off our sex lives might be halfway decent.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 6:56 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
Bamboozled1
♀ Member
Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: The disclosing to the kids discussion

I personally think that it needs to be addressed with kids (depending on their ages) and in an age appropriate way. Kids, especially older ones often know more than we think they do, and by not addressing it in any way we are perpetuating the addictive cycle of secrecy. SA is a family disease. Kids feel the tensions, and sense the disconnects. If we just smile and say "Don't worry, everything's okay" we are just teaching them to stuff their own feelings and creating another generation of addicts and co-dependents.

Addiction is a generational disease. What breaks that cycle is information, openness, and working a plan of recovery. Especially if your spouse is in recovery, this is an invaluable lesson to give your children. How much better to show them that we all have our imperfections, but that we are working to make ourselves better people.

All of the men in my ex's family were SAs, so that was his only pt of reference. Had someone identified this, perhaps the younger generation could have been spared.

You don't have to tell kids the gory details, but if you tell them nothing, they may imagine even worse.


Posts: 1851 | Registered: Nov 2004
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Kids!!!
I needed to type this out before it leaves my brain. I don't mean to change the topic yet as I haven't even read the last several posts so please forgive me....

That year of waiting is important for lots of reasons. My H really wants to "get this done now" rather than just living apart for a year so we are in collaborative law and just had our second meeting. Dealing with an addict in separation is brutal and tears you apart. I love my H although I know that we will be separate forever. I'm stuck at these meetings trying to figure out what to say and how to say it because he appears to be trying to get himself some help now, and there I am telling him that it is not enough (even though the poor guy just started). Now don't get me wrong. I know he is still an addict as most of what comes out at the meetings shows altered memories of history, denial of causing any of this pain, blaming and he hugely pisses me off with all that. I still am not willing to go unsupervised for the children and most of the time I'm really glad he isn't talking to me outside of meetings. Although the lawyers appear to understand addiction in general they keep saying that we need to improve our communication as parents. How do you communicate with an addict trying to hide his life???? (I give calendars of events, do everything I can to accommodate a visit when he phones, tell the kids they can phone whenever they want even though he doesn't phone them etc etc etc)

Okay, so after having said all that. Collaborative law is really difficult in the first few months since D-day and makes no sense other than financial. A man who just started with a new psych and likes the doc is still getting torn down by me. I feel like a schmuck for doing what must be done after living in it for 6 years.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grownup-- that seems like the same thing I am going thru. I still care and love my H, but I can't see me ever living with him again. Even with recovery, at this point, I just don't think it is something I can handle for the rest of my life.

I am glad your H is looking into doing something for himself, mine is still way deep in denial. I would like to stay friends with him, and give him support, but I can't be a wife to him anymore. And I feel the same as you, when my H thinks he is working hard on his problem, and all I can say is "but it just isn't enough, you aren't tackling everything you need to be, did you forget about this or this". Because he still doesn't see the whole picture, and he is still misremembering things bad.

It is such a sad disease.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a very sad disease.

I gave myself time to see if he would really recover. Then that gives me time to get myself and my life in order at the same time.

I'm having a hard time today dealing. The AM post in General triggered thoughts since that is the one ONS that I actually read messages from his account. He deliberately set this up BEFORE he left for his trip.

I know that he was very deep in his addiction then so it's not where he is today. I know that he's not recovered but he's trying to do the work. But it's still hard to reconcile those thoughts in my head.

I'm soooo tired. It's so hard to be a single mom and deal with all this. I know mine is temporary right now but it could be forever. I guess the only thing that would make it better than right now is that I won't have an infant, just a small child. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I just hope that I can heal from this and still love him and totally reconcile. It's just so unknown right now and that is hard for me to deal with.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
so unsure girl
Member
Member # 11565
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men do come out of their addiction and become great people. I'm not saying you should stay with them if there if no evidence of progress but just saying that it can happen. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the catalyst. I know how hard this is being the spouse of a SA. We take it day by day. Just wanted you to know that sometimes it does get better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Aug 2006
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...I threw in the towel after a year. He didn't think he had an addiction. He still doesn't. It ripped my heart out, but I couldn't continue to live like that, cover up for him, turn a blind eye, pretend it was okay. Especially since his own family didn't want to get involved.

I don't know that he is a great guy, after all that has happened. His actions speak louder than his words did. I still feel some sadness, two and a half years after we split, but not that heart-aching sadness. The sadness I feel now is that he never rose to his potential, but has squandered it. But I cannot and could not help him with that. The ball is in his court, and has always been.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so unsure girl
Is your SA working a recovery program and getting counseling?

Men do come out of their addiction and become great people.

They don't "come out of it" in the sense that they are "cured." They can get into recovery and become a RECOVERING SA. It's the same as any other addiction. Once an addict always an addict. They just have to choose to work a program and be sober or not.

In my opinion there are three groups:

*Active Sex Addicts (not sober, refuse to work a program or are in denial they have a problem)

*Recovering Sex Addicts (sober and actively working a program)

*White-knuckle Sex Addicts (they think they are sober and they think they can "white-knuckle" it with no program. Eventually they will be Active again.)
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

White-knuckle Sex Addicts (they think they are sober and they think they can "white-knuckle" it with no program. Eventually they will be Active again.)

I guess that is where mine is, although I'm still not sure he really thinks it is a problem. He told me he does, but I wonder if he just said that to manipulate. I also don't believe mine is even white-knuckling it right now, although he says he is.

What I don't understand, is that I told him I won't move unless he gets counseling, but we made an agreement not to talk about his problems for one week, so we could talk for a while without the fighting, (also to give me some space to get on my feet here financially a bit and figure out what I am going to do), but the weirdest thing is, after 2 days of no fighting, he is now talking about when am I going to get the lawyer to get us a court date to move there again.

Is he in total denial? He thinks everything is just hunky-dory right now, and we are a family again. I never said no such thing! Is this another manipulation to try to get his way, that he can totally pretend this? I AM NOT calling the lawyer to reissue the petition for me to move with him. I guess I am going to have to go back on my word and tell him again, since he "forgets" so easily, but he is putting pressure on me again, why the hell does he even want me so badly, he can't possibly think that I am going to just "play along" with all this for the rest of our lives?

That is the part that scares me enough that I don't want to live with him anymore. The sex stuff is bad enough, but I think the lying, manipulating, gaslighting, and this living in a totally different reality is what I find incredibly disturbing.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has recently admitted he's an SA (my second D-Day), this is new for me. He is very serious about healing, he's seeing IC, specialist IC, going to meetings, reaching out to me in every way; he's a different man than he was after the first D-Day. After the first D-Day we were seriously in the HB, lots of sex for the past year, but now I can't bear the thought. If I don't have sex with my SA WH, will he backslide to his old ways and find someone else to have sex with?

ETA: I'm not saying I'd have sex with him to keep him, I just want to know what to expect.

[This message edited by foray at 8:23 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NA,
I think your assessment of your H is dead nuts right. He isn't even at the stage of white-knuckling yet, he's just trying to convince you he is.

And for this:

That is the part that scares me enough that I don't want to live with him anymore. The sex stuff is bad enough, but I think the lying, manipulating, gaslighting, and this living in a totally different reality is what I find incredibly disturbing.

This s a healthy response on your part. Remember, he is lying to himself manipulating himself, gas-lighting himself. Where he is right now is trying to get you to help him do this.

The only thing in the world he trusts is his addiction's ability to medicate himself for the short term, so he is desparately clinging to it. This has nothing to do with how valuable or trustworthy you actually are, it has everything to do with how broken he is.

You must save yourself. That doesn't mean your heart will take that lightly, but you have become smart enough that your head knows it is the only way.

((((((((((((NA))))))))))))

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:51 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA,

The capacity of SAs (or addicts of pretty much any stripe) to live in a fantasy world is unfathomable to the rest of us. My husband, too, has this ability to simply "not see" what he doesn't want to see -- whether it's his dirty underwear on the floor or his denial of my own needs/feelings. He thinks that if we're not actively disagreeing re. his SA, that I'm pretty much doing great. I frequently just have to shake my head at him and remind him (I try not to talk to him like I do my children, but it's HARD!) of things we've agreed upon or already discussed. If he didn't like the outcome, it didn't happen. It's part of the "magical" thinking, I suspect, of many people who overcame some trauma or abuse. It's a survival skill that works in the short term (while the abuse is occuring) but doesn't serve them well in the long term.

foray,
We wives of SA often struggle with the notion that we have more power over our addict-husbands than we really do. You could be having sex 24/7 or not at all and it won't affect his acting out. His acting out has nothing to do with you and everything to do with need to numb himself or soothe himself. It's become a coping mechanism for uncomfortable feelings. Whether it's anxiety, loneliness, fear, boredom -- he has used the sex (generally emotionless-- it's often called "porn with skin on") to cope.
7yrs, our "Yoda" as one site member called her, often recommends the book Mending a Shattered Heart, which is for spouses of SA. I think you'll find it answers many of your concerns and will serve as something of a road map while you navigate the next little while. And continue to post here. We're all at various stages of dealing with SA.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((foray)))
Sex with H should be about what you want too. Do you want just sex for your release? Do you want sex with intimacy for release and connection? Do you want sex to keep him from acting out (that is a controlling behavior)? Do you want sex because you think that is a building block for him to want to stop acting out (very touch subject this one)?
What I wanted was my H sharing body, mind and soul with me all at the same time. I tried settling for less and in the end I just became a last resort for helping him get off (I think tool for masturbation was the phrase used by someone in a previous post).


(((sorrow heart)))You are so amazing that you were able to forgive so much already. It is so hard to believe that what would have been "bottom" for most of us just wasn't for them. I wish you peace and calm for today even though we're in the middle of a snow storm.

(((naiveagain))) Been thinking about you. H did not have much of a choice once his work became involved but time will tell.

(((11yersbetrayed)))
It consumed him. Yes, and unfortunately it now consumes us. Having said that however, you are getting great advice. I'd be lost without my people to help me. Remember you can still live a good life while approaching divorce slowly. I have no doubt that you have made a decision. I just wanted you to know that each step on that road is tough too (hence my post yesterday). Take care of you.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

foray
I sent you a private message (PM) with my list of resources and books.

Thinking you need to have sex with your SA to keep him from acting out is a component of codependency. It's common among partners of addicts.

Three things to remember:
You didn't cause his sex addiction. (He was broken when you got him.)

You can't control his sex addiction. (Having sex or not having sex with him will have ZERO impact on his addiction. His thinking is distorted and will remain so until he gets sober and maintains it for a period of time.)

You can't cure his sex addiction. (Firstly, there is no "cure" he will always be an addict. He was an addict before you met him and he will continue to be one for the rest of his life. He can choose sobriety and recovery but that's up to HIM.)

Is he seeing a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist)? He should be if it's possible. I gave you info on how he can find one in my PM. His CSAT (or IC) should be advising him to start his sobriety with a 90 day abstinence. This includes not having sex with you or himself (masturbation). In order to get fully sober he needs at least 90 days of NO sexual activity so that he can go through withdrawal and have the chemicals in his brain normalize so that he is not running everything through his distorted addict thinking. It is better if the 90 day abstinence is agreed to by both partners and discussed beforehand. After he goes through the initial withdrawal you will need to work on building emotional intimacy with NO sex. This is very important. SA is an intimacy disorder and he doesn't know how to have REAL intimacy without sex.

Here is more info:
Excerpt from the book "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark R. Laaser

The first step is stopping sexual behaviors. This includes the three building-block behaviors - fantasy, masturbation, use of pornography - and any other behaviors addicts may have engaged in. Just as alcoholics need to stop drinking before they can be treated, sex addicts need to stop acting out before they can embark on the healing journey. {one tool to help an addict stop sexual behaviors is an abstinence contract}

Abstinence Contract:
It is vitally important for sex addicts to stop all sexual behaviors for at least 90 days. They should agree to an abstinence or celibacy contract, which states they will not be sexual with themselves (through masturbation) or anyone else, including a spouse. This contract achieves two basic purposes - one physiological and one intellectual. First, prolonged lack of sexual activity reverses the level of neuro-chemical tolerance addicts have built into their brains. Addicts may experience symptoms of detoxification not unlike an alcoholic, though not as severe. Most people really struggle with this contract somewhere between the seventh to fourteenth day depending on their past levels of sexual activity. {Note, this is a from 7 and my rSA, we both have seen other literature and from experience know that the withdrawal can be difficult for up to 6 to 8 weeks! Though we agree it can START at 7 to 14 days.} After that, abstinence gets easier over time. Second, abstinence reverses the sex addict's core belief that "Sex is my most important need." Instead, the sex addict discovers, "Sex is NOT my most important need." This is why 90 days (though somewhat arbitrary) is symbolically important.

Excerpt from the book "Clinical Management of Sex Addiction" by Patrick Carnes, Kenneth M. Adams

{The partner} must agree to this form of abstinence and accept it for the potential benefit of increased emotional and spiritual intimacy and not as another form of abandonment. A period of 90 days has been the standard recommendation as a period of abstinence. Recently, I talked to two partners who had extended this for 17 months, slowing rebuilding increased physical intimacy until they eventually experienced genital intercourse again. Doing this, they found that they had allowed themselves the time to heal from many of their emotional issues that sex had previously triggered.

Excerpt from the book L.I.F.E Guide for Men by Mark Laaser
Reasons for Marital Abstinence

In addition to the neurochemical benefit, the most obvious advantage of an abstinence contract for the married sex addict is to take the sexual pressure off the relationship. For many couples, marital sex has been full of conflicts, arguments, and emotional pain. Perhaps, you've avoided sex with your wife and have preferred your acting out behaviors to connecting with her. In that case the pressure is from the absence of sex, but it's still pressure. Even if there's been little or no sexual activity in your marriage for a long time, you need to commit to an intentional period of abstinence. There's a vast difference in deliberately choosing to abstain from sex and in avoiding it because of your addiction.

Almost all sexual addicts (of either gender) are unable to be "present" during sexual activity, especially with their spouses. Instead of authentically making love with your wife, you likely are lost in fantasy about some other sexual experience, either real or imagined. You pretend you're with another partner or engaging in different sexual practices. You insist on darkening the room or you close your eyes to avoid being in the moment because your fantasies are more pleasurable than what's happening right now. In effect, you're still having "addict" sex even though the partner is your wife. Sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder, remember? Taking a break from martial sex gives you the chance to start over in your marriage relationship and learn to be present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you add sexual intimacy. Abstinence provides a chance to create TRUE intimacy in your coupleship.

Here is a link to an actual contract:
http://books.google.com/books?id=GAmn8kQXTDYC&pg=PA112&lpg=PA110&dq=
sexual+addiction+sex+addiction+abstinence+contract&output=html

I pulled all of this from the Google Book Search
http://books.google.com
Be sure to include "sex addiction" or "sexual addiction" in any search you perform to narrow the results to be relevant.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:46 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he in total denial? He thinks everything is just hunky-dory right now, and we are a family again. I never said no such thing!

NA, remember all his thinking is completely DISTORTED. So yes, he is in denial. He's not sober so you're talking to someone who is HIGH all the time.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear foray,

Other kind ladies have already offerred you superb advice.

The only thing to add is that I find discovery of affairs and discovery of sex addiction are two distinct events and process. You might have known about your spouse's affairs a while back, but you have only become aware of SA recently.

You need to re-focus on yourself. Do set boundaries and consequences, then let go of controlling the outcome. In the meantime, educate yourself on SA, and seek counselling for yourself.

Aside from the recommended 90-day absteinance period, whether or not you have sex with your husband is not going to stop him from acting out. For argument's sake, if the only way he can or would stop acting out is for you to have sex with him all the time without regard to your feelings, has he truly stopped acting out and is recovering, or is he just acting in?

Post as often as you need. We are all here to listen and support.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 12:04 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

re: whether to tell your kids and how

I picked up Carnes' book "Mending a Shattered Heart" again last night and found that it has a special chapter on the above referenced topic. Sorry I did not notice this earlier as I had skipped the chapter (I don't have kids). For those interested, it will be an invaluable resource.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
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