I picked up Carnes' book "Mending a Shattered Heart" again last night and found that it has a special chapter on the above referenced topic.
Guess it's time for me to re-read "MaSH"
Welcome to all the new people - so sorry you find yourselves here, but know the love and advice will be invaluable to you.
We are good - great vacation, just now have to settle back into reality. I pray the progress will continue.
I had no idea that SAs are advised to not have any sex for 90 days! The reasons make sense, and WH is open to the idea, but I'm not happy. The way I see it, he made this mess, he betrayed me, he hurt me, and now *I* get punished by not having a sex life? Okay, sure, I am repulsed by the idea of sex with him right now - he's got a problem, his attitude towards sex is wrong, and I don't want him bringing that wrongness into our bed, but I think I'm going to get over that in less than 90 days. It will be hard for me. On the other hand, perhaps non-sexual physical affection really will be *just* the thing for us. He's going to talk to the specialist about it next week and we'll take his advice, whatever it is. (I do not know if this is a CSAT - it is a therapist that his regular IC recommended, one of her partners in the practice - I've met his IC and I really like and trust her.)
I looked at books on Amazon and I surfed around the Net a bit, and the problem I'm having is all the books and sites seem to be very very Christian. I'm an Atheist - trusting in God doesn't help me. I guess I'm also really liberal - I've never had a problem w/ masturbation or porn per se, so long as it's not done to excess (which yes, WH did do at times, but he is not at this time - he saved all his energy for the whores). It just confuses me to read that these things are evil, when I've always been very accepting - last night I started wondering if *I* had a problem - WH actually had to talk me down, he said "Listen! "*I'm* the one with a problem here! You're normal!!!"
So here's my main question: Are there any sites or books for an ATHEIST spouse of an SA? Or at least something that doesn't really lean on God as an inspiration?
So that's my story I guess. Special thanks to 7yrs for the PM! You all are so kind - but then, I guess you really know what I'm going through.
D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"
his regular IC recommended, one of her partners in the practice - I've met his IC and I really like and trust her.
and the problem I'm having is all the books and sites seem to be very very Christian. I'm an Atheist - trusting in God doesn't help me... So here's my main question: Are there any sites or books for an ATHEIST spouse of an SA? Or at least something that doesn't really lean on God as an inspiration?
Is your husband an atheist too? If so I can give you some options for him for finding secular 12-steps and so forth.
Special thanks to 7yrs for the PM! You all are so kind - but then, I guess you really know what I'm going through.
[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 2:26 PM, March 6th (Friday)]
Honestly, he shouldn't be seeing a female therapist
Read "Mending a Shattered Heart" it is very low on religion.
WH is not particularly religious either, and yeah he's annoyed by the trust-in-God aspect of the SA org, but he's willing to tough it out. He'd better be! Our marriage is hanging by a thread here. I feel deep shame for not leaving him.
I was a little hesitant to confess my atheism on here, since I know many are quite religious. It's good to find a kindred soul (haha - I just re-read & realized I said "soul" - unintentional :-). Thank you for being there.
I wanted to pipe in on the masturbation/porn thing (and others who have been along this road longer may have to correct me!)...
Although I am Christian, I don't really see either as 'evil' when used in the right context - with many SA, my rSA husband for instance - they are used to excess and in place of true intimacy and sex with their spouse. Just like a drink for an alcoholic is toxic but for a non-alcoholic the same drink is not toxic, some seemingly normal behaviors for non-SA are toxic for the SA.
It will be up to your rSA husband and his therapist to determine what behaviors are toxic for him.
Veterans - did I get this right?
I am so glad you can find support here.
I am writing to you as a fellow atheist. I find that most books, like Mending the Shattered Heart, are written with the understanding that not all readers are theists. All of them do talk about spirituality, but spirituality does not necessarily mean religion.
I believe one's exploration of one's spirituality is important, legitimate and necessary, even for an atheist. Theists and atheists alike, we all have to deal with "why do bad things happen to good people?", "is my desire to see OW suffer (and thinking of putting pins in a voo doo doll) 'right'?", "how do I continue to live in a world where there is no justice and when I have lost faith in humanity?", "what is the meaning of my life when the one I love the most betrayed me?", "what is 'good' and 'evil'?", etc.
As an atheist, you will likely explore these questions from a different perspective than a theist, but you still have to explore them for your own healing. Sure, you may not appeal to a god, but you may be appealing to a "higher power" or your own strength. Your IC can certainly guide you through this journey, which will be rewarding.
In terms of porn and masturabation, I believe that whether you believe they are acceptable in general does not apply to a SA. Your analogy, I believe, is dead on: while drinking in moderation is often a healthy and enjoyable social activity for most people, drinking is strictly off limit for an alcoholic.
You are in my thoughts. It is a roller coaster, but we, theists and atheists alike, are all in the same ride. Lets hold onto each other for dear life.
[This message edited by birdwatch at 4:29 PM, March 6th (Friday)]
Through all the pain and grief of the discovery of his secrets and lies for so many years, I am still hoping that he will some day see some truth about how his actions affected our marriage. 9 months out, almost no contact, but he still says to others he loves me but is not in love with me. It is almost as if he is justifying in his head that every thing he has done outside of the marriage is okay because he was no longer "in love" with me. I know this is textbook. It does not make it any easier to accept when my past, present, and future are all now affected and forever changed because of someone else's lies and secrets.
I don't care much for his version of love at this point.
And yours sounds like mine, in the fact that they would rather keep their addiction than their family. Sad, huh!
The SA specialist is a man.
WH is not particularly religious either, and yeah he's annoyed by the trust-in-God aspect of the SA org, but he's willing to tough it out.
I feel deep shame for not leaving him.
You have posted such good advice on here. You were right about what my WH was doing and I can see it now in others posting here.
I think I'm a little drained after being way too busy in a couple of other forums the last couple of days. That really seems to take a lot out of me emotionally, but I hate seeing folks spinning their wheels ........
echo of 7's sigh
[This message edited by JustWow at 4:00 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I'm also dealing with a tremendous amount of stress with trying to find a safe and appropriate Kindergarten for our daughter. Apparently, in Denver, if your child is "gifted" or "advanced" the appropriate education is doled out by lottery. We lost the lottery. I don't know what we're going to do.
[This message edited by JustWow at 4:04 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]
In KS a child isn't even required to attend school until age 7, something most people are unaware of.
It's hard to imagine sending a bright student to school and it killing their innate love of learning.
I sent out over 50 emails on Friday trying to find another advanced or gifted Kindergarten for her and asking various sources for help finding something that will work for us.
Private school is not an option because we cannot pay for it and because all the private schools I've looked into are religious (we are atheists.)
If our home school were a decent school it would be fine but it's not and I will not enroll her there. We live in a nice area but it's a pocket in a not so nice area and the school in question has gang problems (it's pre-K through 8) and it's the result of the crappy elementary schools being closed so they remodeled a crappy middle school and created this new crappy school. UGH.
Hopefully some folks will get back to me this week with some ideas. I've exhausted my Google options.
Sorry for the highjack everyone! We can get back on topic now.
I really do appreciate the support though since this is my "home" thread and I feel comfortable here.
Not sure how taxes work in the U.S. but we were able to put our kids in a Montessori program and it was tax-deductible until grade one. Still means you have to pay in the first place, but you can claim it against income. It has helped us a lot -- Montessori is a really incredible program.
Hi to you and I like you am unsure where to fit in here...I can relate to your story
Reading the posts and helpful hints has been a great assistance to me over the last year - although I booted my SAH out of the home and it we have remained separated; my healing journey has continued.
I have maintained NC since my SAH has continued his relationship with MOW(number 49 in his history!) ... it takes time but eventually we can be free of the toxic effect.
Cheers to all you ladies.