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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey 7yrsbetrayed,

I'm here now ! Sorry I did not log on during the weekend. Had family visiting. And as Eternaloptimist would know, here in Toronto, we had to adjust the clock forward one hour this weekend (ending daylight savings time). So we "lost" an hour.

Sorry I can't help with your school dilemna, as I don't have kids. However, your post is invaluable in reminding us that while we are spouses of SA, we are also women, wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, workers, and members of society. Yes, our husbands and their SA have affected our lives, and we have much healing to do, but our lives do not evolve around SA. For me, it's important to not fall into the "victim's mode" and to not obssess about my husband's SA every waking moment, but to re-engage myself in all aspects of life.

Good luck and take care. You and your family are in my thoughts.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 7:59 AM, March 9th (Monday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bird,

Thanks for pointing this out! Yes, we have so many different roles in our lives. I don't want my life to be about HIS SA or MY COSA!

We have been on vacation and tonight, I go back to my meeting - although I have missed it, I haven't, you know?

Reality is a bummer...


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

foray - you asked:
So here's my main question: Are there any sites or books for an ATHEIST spouse of an SA? Or at least something that doesn't really lean on God as an inspiration?

Yes, there is Recovery Nation which does not emphasis the reliance on a higher power. I am doing the Partner Workshop and getting quite a bit out of it. There is also a Workshop for Addicts and it does not do the religious thing.
www.recoverynation.com
I hope that helps.

(edited because DUH - left out the url)

[This message edited by 2br02b at 11:08 AM, March 9th (Monday)]


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - I am sorry about the school situation for you daughter.

Here in AZ we have Charter Schools that are not private and don't charge money. Some are religious, some emphasize the arts or science - it all depends on what you want. I would suggest going to the Dept. of Education website and looking into Charter schools. Here in AZ they have the best test scores of any in the state - private or public. (I used to work for the school system until I went to work for the State)

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 11:16 AM, March 9th (Monday)]


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Concerned  Posted: 8:31 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, sorry I dropped off the planet. In addition to the "finding a Kindergarten" stress we've had other stuff going on and it all sucks.

We're in serious financial straights (being self employed SUCKS) and of course our yellow lab got sick and had to see the vet and have dental surgery. So major stress and guilt for not taking better care of his teeth and low and behold rSA's "distorted thinking" kicked in a bit and he said a couple of mean things so I kept my boundary and very calmly left the house for a few hours. (I'm really proud of this because normally we would have ended up having World War III but I just did NOT engage with him.)

While I was gone (hanging out at my parents' house because they left for a trip this morning) my parents called. My dad's sister died this morning. They can't come back from their trip so my dad asked that all three of us kids attend the funeral. So I have to go to Nebraska tomorrow and stay overnight for a funeral early Wednesday.

So, yeah, my life is not all about his SA or my recovery, I have to be a business partner, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece and friend too.

I'm going to try to catch up here a bit tonight but then I'll be gone until Thursday.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 - I am so very sorry! Sometimes it seems as if there is just not going to be one more thing and then there is something else.

With all going on, it is fabulous that you maintained control of you!!! You go girl!

Many hugs to you....


Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - I'm sorry to hear about your aunt, and all that you are having to deal with right now.

I know what you mean about being self-employed. We did that for a few years, and it was terribly stressful, now he has a steady job, but I will probably have to go back to self-employment for a while, yuck!

I wish I had some ideas for the schooling issue.

I kind of feel in limbo again, a little. He is making it hard for me to move on. I want to leave, but now I am feeling sorry for him, and he has been working on his own issues some (he said he is taking some of his faults, and writing them down, working on them and then throwing them away); I think he feels he is trying to work on this for me, but it isn't really what he needs. It will probably be of some help to him, but still no counseling, and he still keeps telling me I have to work on my problems too, and not "obsess" over his porn stuff.

And he said he has decided from now on, if I get really upset and "yell" at him (which is basically me raising my voice a little, because I haven't really "yelled" at anyone probably now for about 10 or 15 years) he says if it upsets him, instead of fighting with me he will hang up, as he now realizes it takes two to fight.

I am glad for his new insights, how do I tell him though that while it is good he is thinking about this stuff, it isn't enough?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning NA,

gotta be quick as I'm getting ready for work (so I'll do my attempt at the 7 bluntness )

And he said he has decided from now on, if I get really upset and "yell" at him (which is basically me raising my voice a little, because I haven't really "yelled" at anyone probably now for about 10 or 15 years) he says if it upsets him, instead of fighting with me he will hang up, as he now realizes it takes two to fight.

I see his as a manipulation tactic. You are to hear and believe that is non-attempts at recovery are real attempts or he will cut you off. He's trying to get "control" of you and your M back, and he's setting the terms. "Eat my shit sandwich or I'll abandon you. And no, I don't care to hear you say, NA, that I've already abandonded you by not getting couseling, we're playing by my rules, not yours. I'm hoping you will panic enough at my power play, here, to put up and shut up".

Probably way too blunt, but I see this as him still bargaining with you to let him keep both his addiction and you.

I am glad for his new insights, how do I tell him though that while it is good he is thinking about this stuff, it isn't enough?

I wouldn't necessarily celebrate any new insights he's getting unless you realllllly think they are genuine, versus a lame attempt at manipulating you into believing this is somehow going to help him recover without IC and an SA program.

Honey, I hate to say it, but it seems like you want to stay engaged emotionally with him at the same level as always, hoping that somehow he's going to come to the conclusion that he needs IC. I don't know how that feels safe for you, I worry about you.

If he doesn't get IC you are not relocating with him, right? But do you still feel like it is healthy for you to keep engaging in these discussions of his mythical recovery even though you aren't moving? Like it is safe to do this dance at a distance, but not under the same roof?

Maybe you do, and that's okay if you do. I wouldn't feel any safer if my emotional involvement stayed the same evn though my geographical involvement was different.

What do YOU need to do for you, if anything, about being safe.......establishing healthy boundaries?

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear 7yrsbetrayed,

I am terribly sorry about your aunt, and all the other challenges you are confronting in life. That must be overwhelming. One day at a time; one task at a a time. And when you feel lonely or stressed, we are all here to listen. We care so much about you here and I just wish you are around so I can give you a hug.

Love,
birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks JustWow - no, not too blunt at all--you do a good 7yrs blunt impersonation!

I think I just need to hear it is still manipulation, I am so terribly easily sucked in. I don't really want to stay emotionally involved at this level, but I have found myself feeling so sorry for him lately, how alone he is. I guess that is major codependency, huh!

I am not getting what I need, emotionally, so I guess that is what is important. Yeah, him hanging up when I am trying to discuss something is not exactly communication, although we discussed things last night, with no real emotions coming out, just facts, and it went well. Problem is, I am an emotional person, and I can't help feeling emotional sometimes.

Yeah, bottom line is no moving in with no counseling, which he won't do, and I have to keep reminding myself that he just leased this condo that I told him I was uncomfortable with, (he said because he has to keep movin forward with his life, whether I move down there or not), so again, he is not remorseful and wanting to do everything he can to keep me and have a healthy M, he is wanting his way, and wanting me to do all the changing, and just go along.

I think I like it better when he is angry with me, hangs up, and tells me he wants out. Makes it easier for me to decide to move on, and I know this is terrible, but the only reason right now I give in is because I am still trying to figure out my finances. I am scared of doing this financially, but in the meantime, talking with him, I feel sorry for him a lot.

I did finally make a good move on the financial front, I ordered hi-speed and am getting a new computer, as my job is online, and I haven't been able to do it well with this lame computer set-up. It will cost $50 more a month, but I should be able to up my sales by triple because I will have reliable equipment, and once I prove to myself I can make rent and utilities for a month or two, I will feel more comfortable not engaging with him anymore.

It's complicated, but I have started trying to let the kids know also that we won't be moving. I outright told the 18 yr old--he is the most emotionally mature. And told him SO has some addictive problems, (no real details), but he doesn't want to get help so there is no trust here and I cannot have a relationship without trust. His biggest worry was, what am I going to do for retirement?

I still have 20 years; I told him I would figure out something, but I think once I get on my feet financially, I am a saver, SO is a spender (before he even gets the money, he spends it), so I will probably be better off, just won't have his retirement. Plus, I have time to look into going back to school, I am thinking social work.

I have a real passion for that, either that or animals.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14912 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 7,

I'm sorry about your aunt.
Good for you for recognizing your husband's "addict" coming out. I often don't see it until after the fact.

NA,
I think JustWow nailed it. And I think you're starting to realize that you only feel good about setting boundaries when your husband is acting "angry". You need to be able to take care of yourself first even when he's being "nice" to you. JustWow is bang on when she points out his pseudo recovery. He's not really doing anything -- certainly not getting to the root of why he needs the porn, etc. And certainly not examining why it's more important to him to have that than to respect your comfort level.
I'm glad you're taking steps to become more financially secure to you can remove that from the equation and base decisions solely on whether your emotional needs are being met -- or even recognized as valid.
Good luck.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
OurLifeBack
♀ Member
Member # 10620
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA, I had a few thoughts...

We have been through a few times when my rSA was doing some right things, but still trying to do it himself, that I had to draw a line in the sand. I know how hard this is.

I actually went NC with him for a time last year - I had to get away from him and quit communicating with him so I could get MY head clear. This was a very hard thing for me to do! In fact, I went to a friends - one of those you know if you tell the entire story will hate your spouse forever - and I told her! I did it because I knew she would not let me contact him. By clearing my head, when I chose to go back, I was much stronger and could act in my own best interest. [on a side note, my friend is still my friend - she has not seen rSA yet, but does ask about him now - it is hard for me, but I know I did what I did for a very good reason. I hope someday that our friendship will be restored]

Do you remember the letter I gave him this past December? I can repost if you'd like to take a look - I think all of you helped me with that!

I am very glad that you are taking steps to be able to move on - this is very important. I think these steps are steps on independence - steps away from co-dependence.

I have also sent you a PM....

Hugs to you, OLB



Me: BS 50 Him: WS 46 Married 15 years / Together 19
DDay: 4/28/06 & many more after that -- there are still a lot of blanks & I dread the telling
01/28/08 - renewed EA with OW. SA confirmed. Taking a time out.
06/13/08 - discovered EA with OW#2.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Florida / Chicago - Whatever!
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 -
I'm sorry that you have to deal with all the other turmoil going on right now, and I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt.

You amaze me how strong you are, just make sure you give youself permission to fall apart once in a while, or whatever version of "falling apart" re-fuels you.

You are always here for us, know that we are here for you, too.

[This message edited by JustWow at 11:37 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Naiveagain,

It will probably be of some help to him, but still no counseling, and he still keeps telling me I have to work on my problems too, and not "obsess" over his porn stuff.

And he said he has decided from now on, if I get really upset and "yell" at him (which is basically me raising my voice a little, because I haven't really "yelled" at anyone probably now for about 10 or 15 years) he says if it upsets him, instead of fighting with me he will hang up, as he now realizes it takes two to fight.

You are doing well in recognizing your husband is not in recovery, which means he will act out, compartmentalize, blame others, manipulate and lie again. It's not if he will act out again, but when. It's like an alcoholic who blames his spouse for being obsessive about his drinking. Or it's like a teenager telling his mother he's not going to be nagged at anymore because his mother caught him doing drugs. It's childish. It's not taking responsibility for one's actions. How about if you tell him "if he refuses therapy, instead of fighting with him, you will hang up".

And he is probably right in that you have "obsessed" over his porn and sex addiction. We as betrayed spouses all have. So tell him he is right, that you have been obsessed over his SA, but that will stop right now. You deserve better than to live with and enable a spouse who is a SA and who refuses to recognize there is a problem and who refuses therapy.

It is incredibly difficult to see someone we love not seeking help, when the need to do so is so apparent and obvious to us. However, you know that you cannot control someone's recovery. You must let go. Continue your own therapy to regain your self-respect and emotional well-being. Continue to rebuild your financial position (I'm cheering you on!).

Flipping it around, even if you feel sorry for him, your condoning his behaviours is doing him no good. He will never recognize he has a problem and therefore seek help if you are an enabler of his SA. If you love him, you need to let him hit rock bottom. Otherwise, his SA will eventually lead him to a downward spiral which may destroy his life. If you love him, you wouldn't want that for him.

But then I digress. It is about YOU, not him. It's very hard, I know. Post any time. Share your struggles. You have our support no matter what you decide to do.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 11:51 AM, March 10th (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP,,, I am paranoid.. MY WH has watched porn, but infrequently and since I found out he says he'll stop.
He does not want to watch it with me as he feels I willcompare him to the men in them.
He has a healthy sex drive, but doesn't need it every day although he says he could do it 3x a day. His affair was EA.
He also says he doesn't masterbate.
Do I have any reason to think, just cuz he watches porn?
WORRIED!!


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
dire straits
♂ Member
Member # 22350
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too bad there's not an entire forum for SA; I feel like I'm taking this thread hostage by posting here.

Anyway, this is my first post on this thread. I don't think my wife is necessarily a SA, although she certainly has cheated a LOT. The reasons almost don't matter to me; she might be a SA, she might be a bit of a borderline personality disorder case, or she might just be an immoral slut.

I'm in awe at those of you who have managed to try and R (or even successfully reconciled). How do you overcome the colossal sense of violation? How do you ever come to trust your partner again? How can you stand being forced to be a parole officer? How can you have sex and not worry about catching a disease?

I've been leaning strongly toward D ever since I discovered the scope of my wife's betrayal. Each week I'm the tiniest bit closer to getting my butt in gear, getting my courage up and filing, but there's this tiny crack in my resolve that just wont seem to go away. What the hell is all that about? It's like I can't scrape the residue of my feelings for her off of me.

On another SI forum, someone suggested that the *wrong* reasons for staying married to a cheater are the negative emotions that arise when we consider D (fear, sadness, pity, etc.). We should instead only consider the positive reasons for staying in the marriage (love for the spouse, belief in a happy future, etc.).

I have lots of negative feelings about D (all of the above), but positive reasons for staying married, no, not really there. The prospect of staying married to my cheating wife does not give me a good feeling; just feels desolate and broken.

[This message edited by dire straits at 2:11 PM, March 10th (Tuesday)]


All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Cool  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sofresh
You say:
His affair was EA.

But your profile says it went PA. Which is it?

If you have suspicions that your WH might be SA check your PMs. I sent you a list of resources.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome dire straits! I'm glad you decided to post since I suspect my PM to you might be the reason. Women can be SA, it is a bit different for them from what I understand of it. You should still read "Mending a Shattered Heart" because it really does try to deal with all aspects and does acknowledge that some spouses of SA are the husbands. You are struggling with codependency. Have you considered IC?

I don't think my wife is necessarily a SA, although she certainly has cheated a LOT. The reasons almost don't matter to me; she might be a SA, she might be a bit of a borderline personality disorder case, or she might just be an immoral slut.

If you genuinely feel this way, you probably should not try to R. You most certainly shouldn't if she is not willing to face the fact that she has a SERIOUS problem, whether it's SA or not, and that she needs intensive IC.

Do you have children with her?


How do you overcome the colossal sense of violation?

I couldn't until he admitted his addiction and sought help. After he got sober and well into recovery, I was able to work on my wounds. I will always feel violated in some ways but it no longer consumes my life. The key really was his recovery, at least for me.

How do you ever come to trust your partner again?

Same answer as above. I will never trust him with my whole heart and so blindly and stupidly again, but I do trust him within the confines of recovery and seeing that he is working his program.

How can you stand being forced to be a parole officer?

You're not being FORCED to do anything. You are choosing to be her parole officer. You're not setting boundaries and consequences and surrendering the outcome. Again, the main issue here is about whether or not she is willing to get help. If she is not, you have to let her go and stop trying to control her behavior.

How can you have sex and not worry about catching a disease?

You can't unless you know that she is being faithful. You can't know that unless she gets help. If you do not feel safe having sex with her, you should not do so. That is a healthy boundary. (This is covered in the book "Mending a Shattered Heart")

I've been leaning strongly toward D ever since I discovered the scope of my wife's betrayal. Each week I'm the tiniest bit closer to getting my butt in gear, getting my courage up and filing, but there's this tiny crack in my resolve that just wont seem to go away. What the hell is all that about? It's like I can't scrape the residue of my feelings for her off of me.

It is what it is. You still love her and you can't help it. You've been deeply betrayed and yet change is scary. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Right? I highly recommend IC.

On another SI forum, someone suggested that the *wrong* reasons for staying married to a cheater are the negative emotions that arise when we consider D (fear, sadness, pity, etc.). We should instead only consider the positive reasons for staying in the marriage (love for the spouse, belief in a happy future, etc.).

I have lots of negative feelings about D (all of the above), but positive reasons, no, not really there. The prospect of staying married to my cheating wife does not give me a good feeling; just feels desolate and broken.


It is true that you shouldn't stay married because you are afraid of being alone but that really oversimplifies the issues when you are potentially dealing with a spouse with serious mental health issues (either SA or BPD). Again, I think only a good IC can help you navigate this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you EVERYONE for your kind words. I'm outta here in a couple of hours so I need to get packed. I'll be back Thursday.

(Don't go crazy and run the thread up 10 pages like the last time I was gone! )

Oh and for the record, JustWow, I think you did a great job channeling my bluntness! Be me while I'm gone!

Love you guys!
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay - you heard that kids - Mom says I get to be her while she's gone!!!


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is incredibly difficult to see someone we love not seeking help, when the need to do so is so apparent and obvious to us. However, you know that you cannot control someone's recovery. You must let go. Continue your own therapy to regain your self-respect and emotional well-being. Continue to rebuild your financial position (I'm cheering you on!).

Flipping it around, even if you feel sorry for him, your condoning his behaviours is doing him no good. He will never recognize he has a problem and therefore seek help if you are an enabler of his SA. If you love him, you need to let him hit rock bottom. Otherwise, his SA will eventually lead him to a downward spiral which may destroy his life. If you love him, you wouldn't want that for him.

Exactly what I'm going through.

I believe I'm committed to D, but I'm so sad that he's now going to go into that downward spiral and truly destroy himself.

It's deeply disturbing to me, but I'm coping.

Has anyone here ever had a complete turnaround from the brink of D and given R a shot again if they agree to deep counselling?

I'm tempted to give it a go. I'm really torn because I love this person very much and it's agonizing to let go like this.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:04 PM, March 10th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16631 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dire Straits,
I read one of your other posts, and it struck me emotionally.

Your wife's cheating etc remind me of my Former Best friend-OW.

My SAH was only one of 5 different men she cheated with in less than 5 years of marriage.
3 couples that hung out together, she slept with the two men who weren't her husband. Who does that? Add in 3 other strange men, and I truly believe she is SA also.

FBFF is also a sex abuse victim from childhood. Her father actually spent time in prison for killing an OM.
I think there are a lot of factors that add up to SA, some predictable, some not.

I still (last night even) thought about how glad I would be to hear that she was getting the help that my SAH is. One day maybe.

There is a woman that attends my SAH's SAA group. Her marriage is damage but they are still working at it. I also think she is someone I would like as a person, a friend, even knowing some of her history.

I think it is possible to deal with the violation of betrayal but NO WAY, could a person even begin to with an SA not in recovery. The sheer number of times of betrayal make that difficult on the best of days.

If your wife is SA that crack in your resolve is probably a little codependent voice.

Before the diagnosis of SA was determined for sure, I stopped being the parole officer. Something happened that made me realize I could wear myself out emotionally every day every hour trying to prevent his cheating and it could still happen.

Read, learn, and take care of your self.

When you take care of yourself, you come to the answer eventually.
There is no hurry to decide about D.

Set your boundaries. Be safe.
That is all we can do.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

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