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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Newtwood
♀ Member
Member # 21154
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all Welcome to all the Newbies here...so so sorry to see you here but you will get some great advice and support.

Well it's been 6 months now and guess what?!: Oops, Mr. White-Knuckle-I'm-NOT-a-SA... slipped.

Last night as I passed through the hall of the computer room I heard the familiar super-sonic clickety-click of: I'm looking at something I shouldn't so let's quickly get off before the little woman sees. I managed to catch a glimpse of the YouTube logo. He was never very interested in it before. The girls and I watch music vids on it more than anything.

Then I check his email this morning. He opened an account. Then I checked the history. There they were- about 10 Tranny videos he had watched. I emailed him and asked if he remembered agreeing that this was unacceptable.

Now he's gone into panic mode (begging for me to think about things and not leave him and saying things like-'I won't use the internet anymore'...Yeah, like THAT'S gonna happen) which will turn into nasty-ass mode by the time he gets home tonight and he thinks everything over all day.

So what now? What are my consequences? Suggestions? Help? 2 X 4's? Shoulders to cry on?


Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him
OW(s): AFF Skanks/GRANDMOTHERS!!!

Status: Struggling Everday to
Survive

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France


Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh (((Newtwood))) I'm so sorry, you can have my shoulder to cry on or my ear to cry in anytime you need it! (You know you can always PM me!)

How are you feeling about all this? What are your dealbreakers? You know he can't whiteknuckle it. I think you said there weren't any good counselors around where you live right now, that makes it really hard. Is he doing any online help at least? Like Recovery Nation, or something like that. I would also think he could get some phone support. His brain tells him he needs that stuff, and that is what gets him going right now. I don't see how that could possibly change without some major IC.

Have you been detaching and doing any COSA stuff? What are you doing right now to take care of yourself?
(((more hugs)))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Holeinmysoul,

I feel terrible that you are suffering. I am at work but I promise I will post a longer message later (I want to take my time). You are in my thoughts. Hang in there.

birdwatch


Hi 7yrsbetrayed,

Trusting yourself and your intuition is testament to your own recovery. You may wish to share these conincidences with your husband. Make sure he knows he has not done anything wrong - he did not act out again, and he cannot control who you bump into. However, the fact is he is the ultimate author of these situations and it will be a great opportunity for the two of you to handle these situations as a team.

Shortly after D Day, my husband and I did a major clean up. On Facebook, we adjusted our privacy to the most restrictive level - only friends can see our pictures, not even friends of friends. We removed all women with whom my husband has ever flirted. I blocked all the known OWs' emails from his email. We de-listed our number. At that time, it was a gesture of good faith on my husband's part that he is committed to NC. As well, I do not know how many of these OWs are crazy stalkers. It was essential to me that we began R with a clean slate (as much as humanly possible).

I am sorry about all these reminders, that have a way of appearing years later. It sucks.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Newtwood,

It makes me sad for these men of ours that really believe they can whiteknuckle it. Eventually the dam bursts and they can't resist.

Even though we live in small city, there are still resources here for my SAh. My IC is well trained in sex addiction and is in the process of getting her CSAT. But oh no, my SAh will not see a woman counsellor. Fair enough, but if that's your only option than you need to put your issues aside.

I caught my H looking at porn online after about 3 weeks of him being clean. He didn't see me, as I stood behind him for about 3 minutes watching him look. His reaction? "Oh baby what am I gonna do?" I told him not to talk in that 'little boy' voice; that this was serious shit. And then I left the room.

I've been working the 12 steps and I see my IC every week. With that, I have become very quiet and not much of a partner. Oh I am very kind and I do speak to him, but the fake 'happiness' has gone out of me. He told my daughter that I was stressed with work and school etc. That's how he is explaining my demeanour to himself, I guess.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Holeinmysoul
♀ New Member
Member # 23132
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He went to his first SA meeting & just like I told him there were people there that have done far "worse" than he ever did, which made him feel like he wasn't so far gone. He said that he liked going & that it made him feel like he's not some kind of freak. All of the guys had gone through what he's going through & beyond.

I'm really glad he went. I was so happy that I cried. I've wanted him to wake up & realize this for so many years that seeing all that SA literature on the bed & him being so accepting of his problem was too much.

I really wanted to try to not put too much into this. It was just the first meeting. I wasn't able to do that, though. I'm emotional, I'm sensitive, I'm full of hope, I'm an optimist & while that often means that I get hurt (emotionally) & disapointed, it's who I am & I'm not sure I really want to change it.

Then I glanced at the clock & thought about where I was 2 years ago (we were in the hospital having our baby girl), which made me think of EVERYTHING that was going on 2 years ago on exactly that day. The fact that he posted naked pics online that same day, while talking to me in IMs & probably his whores at the same time then how he went right back to everything as soon as we got home. I really lost it. He held me & said that he wished he could do something to help me.

I wish he would level with me & I HOPE he's serious about recovery.


Me:BS
WH porn/sex addict/EAs/Cyber sex/Affairs/Phone sex/compulsive/pathological liar.
He started SAA 3.15.09
Married 4 years, together 7.5
Kids:from my previous marriage 17& 9, 2 yr old from this marriage.
Riding the roller coaster

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: FL
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what now? What are my consequences? Suggestions? Help? 2 X 4's? Shoulders to cry on?

Newtwood, I'm so sorry. The bottom line here is that he is not in recovery and he is not sober. You can't control him, you can't force him to seek treatment. You can't keep him from watching tranny videos.

So that leaves you with confronting yourself. What are YOU going to do? What do YOU want?

What are YOU doing for YOU?

You cannot set a boundary to keep yourself safe without also setting a consequence for him crossing that boundary.

Decide what your boundaries are and how you're going to enforce them. What consequences make sense for your situation? What can YOU do to keep yourself safe and to detach from him and his addiction? (Bare in mind, that I am not saying you need to leave him, only you can decide if leaving is or is not an option. For many women it is not and also remember that you should NEVER make threats that you are NOT prepared to follow through with.)

At this point you are at a fork in the road. He has chosen his road, which is to remain in denial and indulge in his addiction. Now you need to choose which road to take. You can follow him down his road. You can stay behind him constantly trying to avoid stepping in his shit/cleaning up his shit. Or you can take the other road to detachment and healing.

Here's a great website for boundaries and consequences:
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page14.html

{{{hugs}}}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holeinmysoul
I'm glad he went to the meeting and it seemingly went well.

He's begun and that's good.

Now you need to begin your recovery. Find a good IC with SA experience. See if you can find a COSA group to attend. Do your work too. That will help with trigger like you had last night.

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:29 AM, March 16th (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

I decided to leave my FB as is. It is set to the highest security and only people I choose to friend can see all my photos. I may change the one that displays to everyone... I may not... probably not. Fuck her. If she wants to see a pic of our happy family so be it. She's going to marry a guy she met on AFF so I figure that karma is coming. They were both trolling AFF for "strange" when they met and she got knocked up. The kid is now 2 and they're getting married. Yeah, that's going to work out.

I talked to hubby yesterday and made sure that before I told him what happened he knew that it wasn't about him doing anything wrong currently. He was very supportive and it was fine.
7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:28 AM, March 16th (Monday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on this site on March 6th:

I have not posted to any site in a while because my situation does not seem to really fit anywhere. I have a question: Is there anyone else out there who discovered their spouse was probably SA after the WS chose to leave? Did your WS ever come forward with any truths after months and during the divorce? I am 9 months out from my husband leaving me and in the middle of a divorce. So far not one single truth from him. He is still justifying his leaving me by blaming me for the problems in the marriage. I have found evidence of years of porn, on-line sex chats, contact with other women, gifts, trips, etc. He appears to fall into a love/romance/sex addiction category. Of course it is much easier for him to divorce me than to face the truth.
Through all the pain and grief of the discovery of his secrets and lies for so many years, I am still hoping that he will some day see some truth about how his actions affected our marriage. 9 months out, almost no contact, but he still says to others he loves me but is not in love with me. It is almost as if he is justifying in his head that every thing he has done outside of the marriage is okay because he was no longer "in love" with me. I know this is textbook. It does not make it any easier to accept when my past, present, and future are all now affected and forever changed because of someone else's lies and secrets.

I am posting this again because I still have this question:

Did your WS ever come forward with any truths after many months and during the divorce? After the divorce?


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear holeinthesoul,

Others have given you very good advice here.

It is a positive sign that your husband is admitting to a problem, is committing to change and is willing to seek therapy. SA thrives in secrecy and isolation. The fact that he was able to share his loneliness and his secrets with others in the same situation is going to help him heal.

It is normal in the early days for the betrayed spouses to focus on their husbands, try to control their recovery, and become obsessive in checking up. However, now is the time for you to focus on you. Just as you see how critical it is for your husband to seek help, it is just as critical for you to seek help.

You cannot control your husband or his recovery. If he wishes to cheat and lie, he will. To admit how little control we have over our lives is the most difficult part of my own healing, and the most humbling realization I have made as a human being. You can only set boundaries (more about that below). In the meantime, you must cherish your well-being enough to focus on yourself.

The first step is to look after your immediate well-being. Have you been tested for all STDs? Have you consulted a doctor for possible medication for anxiety, insomnia or depression?

The second step is to get educated. 7yrsbetrayed and others must have given you recommendations for books and websites. Remember that you have been dealt a double blow - infidelities AND SA.

The third step is to seek therapy for yourself. You need to work through all your emotions and regain your sense of self no matter what happens to your husband's recovery and your marriage.

The last step is to set boundaries and counsequences. 7yrsbetrayed is the expert in the subject. While you cannot control your husband's behaviours, you are entitled to set boundaries and prescribe consequences for breaches. You must also be willing to follow through with the consequences should a breach occur.

It's going to be a roller coaster ride, but we are all in the same ride with you. You are in my thoughts.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear wantingthetruth,

I am sorry that your original question was not answered.

It sounds like you are the process of a divorce. The traditional recommendation is that no major decision be made in the first year of discovery. The first year is the time for your own healing. After sufficient healing has taken place, and you are in a better emotional state, you will be better able to make an informed decision one way or another that is best for you. Give yourself permission to stop and heal.

I do not know if you will ever hear the whole truth, but that is out of your control. If your husband doesn't tell you the whole truth, there is nothing you can do. This is a grim realization, I know, but one you must recognize. If you seek therapy and focus on yourself, you can explore your feelings of lack of control and powerlessness.

I hope others have wiser advice. Just know I am thinking of you.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WantingtheTruth
You are not reconciling with him. He left and you are divorcing. He is NEVER going to give you the answers you want. He chose his addiction.

It sucks. It hurts. It's selfish. But it is what it is.

HE is an addict. HE is broken. HE put you through hell.

Now it's about YOU.

YOU have to move forward alone. You cannot expect that he will ever give you any answers. YOU know what YOU know. He is a sex addict who chose his addiction. He may never hit rock bottom and face his addiction. You cannot control it, you cannot cure it, you didn't cause it. You have to let him go and work on YOU.

Find a good IC who specializes in treating codependent spouses of sex addicts. Go to http://iitap.com/find_csat.cfm and find one near you. If they will not treat you ask for a recommendation for a therapist for your recovery from being married to a SA.

Read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and "Don't Call It Love" and "Codependent No More"

You know all you need to know. He is a sex addict and he chose his addiction. Let him go. Let the questions go. This is crippling you and that's up to you, now it's your turn to choose to move on.

{{{hugs}}}
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
young&confused
♀ New Member
Member # 22723
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to leave my FB as is. It is set to the highest security and only people I choose to friend can see all my photos. I may change the one that displays to everyone... I may not... probably not. Fuck her. If she wants to see a pic of our happy family so be it.

I just wanted to point out that you can actually Block people on facebook, which makes it so they can't even find you at all in a search, and won't see anything you have on facebook at all. It works both ways though, because you can't search/view them either. You can also restrict who can search for you... I find that the options for privacy setting change rather frequently with facebook, so it may be a good time to check through them and make sure that your settings *actually* reflect who you want to find you/see your posts and photos.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Toronto, Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point you are at a fork in the road. He has chosen his road, which is to remain in denial and indulge in his addiction. Now you need to choose which road to take. You can follow him down his road. You can stay behind him constantly trying to avoid stepping in his shit/cleaning up his shit. Or you can take the other road to detachment and healing.

I think that's a brilliant analogy that 7years gave Newtwood -- and it has given me such clarity. I can picture myself following after my husband, nagging and chattering into his ear while he continues on his merry way doing what he always did. The SA acting out is over and he's doing really well in recovery -- but I still tend to act "co-dependent" in other ways (like trying to get him to walk the dogs, etc.). Thank-you so much for that!!
Glad you came to the conclusion you did re. FB. I'm not familiar with Facebook so couldn't offer up much advice...but it sounds as if you're strong and proud and have put this sad person back where they belong...in the recesses of your mind.

Holeinmysoul,
My husband was so relieved to go to SA and find out that HE wasn't the total freak he thought he was. There's so much shame that goes along with this addiction that I think it really helps them to see others in the same situation. My husband also finds that the underlying issues are incredibly similar, which, again, helps him look at it head on rather than hide it.
I hope he continues to move forward in recovery and that you can find the help you need to move forward too.

1F1B,
I'm sorry your husband did what he did. But it sounds as if you're handling it in as healthy a way as possible right now. I wonder if what he's telling your daughter is wishful thinking rather than what he truly knows.

Wantingthetruth,
Again, I think 7years has summed it up beautifully. It can be so tempting to think that once we know it "all", we'll be able to move forward. But once I accepted that I'll never know all (and in fact what I do know only causes me more pain than it's worth), I was able to move forward in a healthier way. Though it is important to confirm what our intuition tells us -- otherwise it's easy to feel crazy -- you may have to assume that your intuition was right but that you won't have that confirmation right now. And move forward in spite of it. As I said in an earlier post, most of us have learned the hard way that our intuition was close to the truth.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
young&confused
♀ New Member
Member # 22723
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really appreciated all the feedback from my first post (way back on page 27). Since then; I've been gathering info, doing lots of reading, and spending a lot of time packing. I am moving at the months end, and for now, my boyfriend and I are staying together (we are both moving to a new apartment… can't afford the one we currently live in since I am having trouble finding a job right now).

We have been having a lot of ups and downs the past few weeks, but overall things are improving. He is seeing a IC although not a CSAT, which there are very few here and hard to get into (and most of them are female!! Grr.). So far the IC has been really helpful for him and last week he had a bit of a reality check when the therapist made the observation that he didn't seem to feel emotion. This realization hit him pretty hard, and has somehow allowed a bit of emotion through. He quite literally sobbed for 20-30 min last Wednesday, I think he was really overwhelmed with all the emotion he had finally let himself feel, and he actually cried nearly every day last week. Said it felt weird but good to let it out. (I had never seen him cry before D-day… so all this crying is different for him). He has also been reading "In the Shadows of the Net" which I think is also hitting close to home for him.

I still don't know if we will end up together in the end, but for now he is working really hard. *He* wasn't happy with the way things were for himself (hates the lying and confusion that he felt surrounding his impulses and feelings) and me finding out has really been a huge catalyst for him to do something about it. The best part is he has done most of the work without any prompting from me, of course I am encouraging it but its comforting to see that he truly wants to change.

I, on the other hand am still on a waiting list for a low cost/free IC. I've been obsessing a lot less about it and have decided that if for any reason he decides he is going to stop dealing with his issues/ possible addiction I will be out of here so fast. Although I haven't said that to him… I guess all the advice on here about not trying to control them is kinda sinking in for me. At first I told him every little thought I had pertaining to what he could do to keep me, now I'll tell him only if its not something that would seem controlling. (ex. We decided together on a few guidelines that would help build trust such as not drinking unless I am present, calling me when his night class lets out and letting me know when he will be home.)

I guess one thing I am really struggling with right now is a need to defend myself as to why I didn't just leave. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment in the fact that I am still with him. I know that if he hadn't starting dealing with it right away I would have left as I have no concrete ties to him (kids, marriage, etc) and I can't imagine sticking around with him if he hadn't admitted a problem. But to most people the fact that he admitted a problem is even more reason to leave. I'm starting to ramble, so I'll end here.

I don't really feel as though I am in a position to offer advice about anything, which is mainly why I am so quiet on the boards, but I just want to send a *hug* to all of you who are dealing with this. *HUG*


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Toronto, Canada
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((newtwood))))

Awhile back I started something about being masturbated on. We had sex a few days ago before he left (I have problems saying no to him ). I'd describe it as him being only interested in my orifices and what they can do for them. It's like the rest of me doesn't even need to be there.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear young&confused,

Please do not feel you to defend your decisions to us, or to anybody. It is okay to let your well-intentioned friends know that all you need right now is for them to listen and support you without judgement.

I remember mentioning to you previously that during the first year, it is recommended that no major decisions be made. This is the time, not to focus on your partner, not to control him and not to obsess about him, but to focus on you, to take care of you, and to heal.

It does not sound like there is an urgency for you to make a decision to stay or to leave. As you mentioned, you have not even yet began counselling (through no fault of your own). Instead of saying that you are "staying with him", I believe it is more accurate to say that you are just maintaining the status quo. At the end of one year (or thereabout), after you have sought counselling and have sufficiently healed, you can then re-evaluate your options.

Also, I remember mentioning to you that counselling in Toronto is approx. $100 per hour. Even if you can only afford one session a month, it's still preferrable to none at all. If you are a student, there is free counselling service at most universities (even if they are only offered on a short-term basis).

Take care of yourself.

birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

young&confused,

I hate the fact that much of society puts betrayed women into two categories -- bitches who drove their men away, and doormats who put up with it. It took me a long time to stop feeling shame that I was staying with my rSA husband. But it has helped me in a lot of ways -- in realizing that for much of my life, I've tried to please others and be what I though they wanted me to be. This is simply an extension of that. Truth is, I (nor you) owe an explanation to anyone. They're not in our shoes and no-one really knows what they'd do until they are in the same situation. God knows, most people on this site would tell you that cheating was a total deal-breaker.
I think there's also some sort of self-righteous satisfaction out of kicking a cheating man to the curb. But that's country music, not necessarily real life. Real life is messy and we don't always color inside the lines. And that's okay.
You have to do what feels right to you. If sticking with him, at least in the short term, feels right...well then, that's what you do. And others' opinions -- whether they're for or against your decision -- are really just noise. True friends will support you in your best life -- whatever that might look like.
And you'll certainly find support here. None of us has the "right" answer....just what's right for each of us.



Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
young&confused
♀ New Member
Member # 22723
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Birdwatch

Thank you for your thoughts, the reminder that I don't need to make a decision *right now* was just what I needed and I'm feeling alot less anxious at the moment.
I called the clinic today to see how close I am to getting a therapist, hopefully I will hear back from them tomorrow. If it seems like it will take way too long to get it I will likely try to find a therapist and just go once a month. I agree that a bit of therapy is much better than none at all. As for being a student… my boyfriend is a student so the therapist that we are seeing together (which has been immensely helpful in bettering our communication during all these hard talks) is at the university. Unfortunately I am not a student so I can't go alone… and I think there is a super long wait for individual counseling (my boyfriend is going to a private therapist since he is still covered by his mom's health plan while in school).

Eternaloptimist

for much of my life, I've tried to please others and be what I though they wanted me to be. This is simply an extension of that.

This quote is me in a nutshell. Thanks for your support, it is much needed and highly appreciated.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Toronto, Canada
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear young&confused,

I understand for financial reasons the only counselling you have received is couple's counselling. However, couple's counselling is not individual counselling for you or your partner, and is definitely not a substitute. In fact, many recommend no couple's counselling until each party has received individual counselling and has sufficiently healed. There is no "relationship" to save if either or both of the parties in the realtionship has not healed. It'll be like rearranging the chairs on the deck of the Titanic. You should focus on YOUR own healing, not your partner's and not the "relationship's". Your partner should also not mistake couple's counselling with his individual counselling, which is critically necessary for him to recover from SA.

I understand there is a huge waiting list to see a CSAT in Toronto (like anywhere else). But you can find a private therapist with experience in SA without much trouble. PM me if you need further info.

Hang in there. We support you no matter what decision you make.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 7:49 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possible dumb question, but is Stefanie Carne related to Dr. Patrick Carne?


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
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