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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts II
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear All

My God I am so amazed by everything that is on here. I found this site only a few days ago when my H had a 'relapse' and I thought I was on my own. My H is a SA and has been for 10 years - 2yrs before I met him. It has been constant. We have tried counselling but I now realise from reading some of this stuff that we had a rubbish counsellor and were destined to fail - what a waste of time that was.

Trouble is I am in England and SA is not taken seriously here. I am desperately searching for a csat that I can get to but no luck so far.

I am reading everything I can get my hands on and looking everywhere for any help I can get.

My H is very repentant (at the moment) and willing to do anything to break this cycle. He has for the first time said he wants to do this for himself not just me... I hope this is a breakthrough.

The greatest things I have learnt this week are that I am not alone. That there are some amazing women out there and that I do not have to make a decision about my future today, just for today.

I am sad and disappointed but I am no longer desperate (this could change at any time I know!) Thank you all - especially 7 yrs and 3sacrowd


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possible dumb question, but is Stefanie Carnes related to Dr. Patrick Carnes

Yes, she is his daughter.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Katty

Trouble is I am in England and SA is not taken seriously here. I am desperately searching for a csat that I can get to but no luck so far.

I went to the IITAP site and did a general search on United Kingdom and there are at least seven CSATs in the UK. (That's not many for such a large country, I grant you that!)

Go to: http://iitap.com/find_csat.cfm
and search on United Kingdom.

If you cannot find one near you, my advice is to contact the one highlighted in yellow (he's a supervisor) and perhaps he can give you some assistance in finding a CSAT near your home.

7

P.S. My husband and I went to the UK for our honeymoon in 2001. We loved it, especially Scotland. We were there right after 9/11 (we were married Sept 29th and left for the UK on Oct 3rd) and everyone was so kind to us when they found out we were from the States. I want to visit again someday, especially England because we rushed that part of the trip a bit. We toured England, Scotland and Ireland in 17 days so we missed a lot of things.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 2:27 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 7yrs

Yes I looked on that site but nothing near me. I will tke your addvice and ring the supervisor see if he can help. Thanks good idea.

Wow real whistlestop tour of the UK!

I live in Devon (or will do in two weeks - its been my second home for a few years now) beautiful place by the sea but not very enlightened I am sad to say.

Have lived in Wiltshire for some time but can only have one house now I am out of work. The counsellor we saw was supposedly a sex therapist (and is on the website) but is happy to tell you there is no such thing as sex addiction!

If you have a second honeymoon do visit Devon we would have so much to talk about!!!


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The counsellor we saw was supposedly a sex therapist

Sex therapists are a completely different thing and frankly, I think they are DANGEROUS to anyone dealing with SA.

If the CSAT supervisor can't help you find a CSAT, perhaps you should try finding a counselor with general addiction experience. At least they would understand addiction and could educate themselves about SA. The key is the addiction portion of the equation. A so-called "sex therapist" is not qualified to see the addiction portion and in fact probably make things worse with statements about "healthy masturbation" and "exploring fantasies" both of which are not appropriate for the SA.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My God it is as if you were there! Both of those things she told us... kept on about did he go through his mothers underwear when he was a child and insisted i say what levels of pornography were acceptable and what not. It was at this point we stopped going I was beginning to feel she was blaming me for his behaviour. She even made us comlete a circle of what was ok and what was not sexually and when I said we had had a major row about this as it included some areas that I felt were not acceptable at all she seemed to imply that I had a serious problem!

What has proved such a revelation to me on this and other sites I have been reading this time is that for the first time I do not feel like I am to blame in some way. I need to take care of me, I want to help him if I can but I am my priority.


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katty, that burns me up. I'm sorry the "counselor" (I'd like to use the terms loosely) was blaming you. Professional gaslighting is the worst! To blame one partner is completely inappropriate and unprofessional. From my experience, I wouldn't be surprised if the counselor was trying to hint that you weren't sexy enough and you were too controlling and making a big deal out of nothing.


~~~~

At this point I am quite positive my partner transferred his smut to a jump drive or at least most of it. He just doesn't care how I feel. I guess now he doesn't have to worry about searching for porn on the company laptop, he can just carry it with him. *sigh*


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Katty,

I have PMed you.

birdwatch

[This message edited by birdwatch at 7:45 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)]


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She definitely inferred I was making a lot of fuss about nothing! Interestingly I had never really said any of this to my H then last week when we were discussing going back he said he had prepared a email for her to request a meeting and I said I would rather not see her again. His response was 'I can understand that as she did seem to be on my side'. For a man with the perception of a lump of wood I was impressed!

We need to find someone else - I would prefer to see a man - but they are so few and far between here finding anyone will be difficult.


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
foray
♀ Member
Member # 17842
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my goodness 7yrs, we got married on the same day!!

I don't post much, but I want to let you all know how grateful I am that you are there. I do read this forum a lot. I'm spending a lot of time thinking and reading - just got MaSH from Amazon - great huge thank you to 2br02b for the rec of Recovery Nation - what a wonderful site that is. My H continues to be remorseful and he is "working the program" - I'm really rather proud of him for being so brave and I do feel like I can forgive him if he continues on this path of recovery (I NEVER felt like I could forgive him after his first A, which makes sense now in hindsight - he was an SA and not actually remorseful at all).

[This message edited by foray at 3:38 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 41
Him: WH, 44
Married: 7 yrs (together 14)

D-Day #1 1/15/08 LTA: summer 2004 - Dec 2007
D-Day #2 2/23/09 a dozen (more or less) prostitutes during "R"


Posts: 250 | Registered: Jan 2008
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Katty
Wow, I am so sorry. So called "sex therapists" scare the crap out of me. I wonder how much damage they do to SAs and their partners every day. UGH! Sadly, there might be people they could help who have other kinds of sexual dysfunction, I just wish they would learn about SA and not try to treat them.
insisted i say what levels of pornography were acceptable and what not.

Like, it's okay if he looks at women with big butts but it's not okay if he looks at bondage? Like that?? That is not okay when dealing with sex addiction. With sex addiction, no porn is okay. It's not a moral debate. It's a practical fact. An SA cannot look at porn. Period.
She even made us comlete a circle of what was ok and what was not sexually and when I said we had had a major row about this as it included some areas that I felt were not acceptable at all she seemed to imply that I had a serious problem!

This is precisely why that kind of counselor is so dangerous to SAs and their spouses. She was essentially asking you to become a co-addict!!! She was asking you to do things that were not acceptable to you in order to accommodate your husband whose views on sex are distorted by his addiction. That is NOT good. No one should ever feel forced to do something they are not comfortable with when having sex.
What has proved such a revelation to me on this and other sites I have been reading this time is that for the first time I do not feel like I am to blame in some way. I need to take care of me, I want to help him if I can but I am my priority.
Good! Yes, take care of YOU. If he chooses to walk the path of recovery that is wonderful but you have to focus on you.

His response was 'I can understand that as she did seem to be on my side'.

BUT, does he understand that she was wrong? Has he actually admitted to being a sex addict and that he needs specific help?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

foray

Oh my goodness 7yrs, we got married on the same day!!

Wow. Wasn't it weird getting married right after the attacks? It was so hard for me. I was so grateful to family who actually got on planes to attend the wedding. It was surreal. Did you go on a honeymoon and did you have to fly? We briefly considered canceling the trip. I was scared to get on a plane. But ultimately we decided we couldn't give them that kind of victory. This was our honeymoon, a once in lifetime trip.

I'm glad to hear that things are going okay for you. Keep reading and post when you can, it's good to hear from you!
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Happy  Posted: 6:24 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you all want to see what I look like, now's your chance...

Fun and Games...

Page 4 of the picture thread...

Hurry, before I think better of this idea and delete them...

ETA: Too late. *poof*

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 1:17 AM, March 20th (Friday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all... as some of you know, I only lasted one year after finding out about my ex's sex issues. At the time, I just thought he was a sex fiend, not an addict. He was never remorseful about the swing clubbing and group sex with strangers, as well as hooking up with anonymous women he met over the Net.

Anyways, a year after finding out, when he told me that he was planning on dating here in our city on top of the sex relationship he had in Ontario, I gave up.

Right now, I am reading the Pat Carnes book about sex addiction, and can't seem to fit into the co-addict profile.

I had a sudden thought that the co-addict in his life is really the nympho in Ontario that he has been involved with over the last nine years. What do you think? She wouldn't stop seeing my ex when her husband asked her to stop (she told her husband she would, but didn't...he ended up killing himself in October after bahaving erratically, including contacting me and all kinds of bizarre stuff...which is why I know these things). Since the nympho was the primary female in his life the last years of our marriage, could she be considered his co-addict?

My ex was self-employed and travelled a lot for work, or so he led me to believe at the time. I didn't know a thing until I stumbled upon a weird email print out he had left in his car back in 2005.

I am moving on, but I am also trying to figure out what went wrong in our marriage. Don't want to repeat the same mistakes if there is a next time!


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a sudden thought that the co-addict in his life is really the nympho in Ontario that he has been involved with over the last nine years. What do you think?

No, that would make her addict.

I personally HATE the term co-addict. Look PAST the term and see the underlying issues that may have drawn you to the addict. See the behaviors you may have sometimes engaged in that were codependent.

Don't hung up on the word co-addict.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhh...they are supporting each other's addiction, right? Couldn't they also be co-addicts to each other's behavior, by encouraging each other on?

I know there were some unhealthy behaviors between my ex and I before he embarked on his sex flings, although I'm really not sure when he started. He never told me the details of how far back it went. Our marriage was already drifting by the point he did begin his secret life because I wasn't paying enough attention to him, and focused on the kids too much. He didn't tell me this; it is something I am aware I did.

I think the sex addiction is his only addiction, although Patrick Carnes says there are usually more. My ex didn't drink or do drugs. He seemed to be a workaholic more than anything. Maybe he got bored with life?


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorrowheart - My SAh also smokes, (tried to give it up, but just can't), either overeats or undereats, is an impulse buyer, and has probably bought 60 different workshirts in the past 5 months. Buys stuff and don't ever use it. Don't know about all that as addiction, but definitely problem behaviors.

7 - saw your pictures, you look way too young to be so damn smart! Beautiful family, your dd is a little heartbreaker!

As far as the coaddict stuff--I have been working on that in counseling too because I sure as heck don't want another bad R. I don't have a very good track record there, 3rd M, and they were all controlling, demanding, and emotionally disconnected. Apparently there is a pattern there. Best I can come up with is my dad disconnected from me emotionally once I hit puberty, and I was very attached to him when I was a little girl (crying, when he would go to work). I remember hating him in my teen years, and once I decided I was going to slit my wrists and then maybe he would feel bad. I'm thinking there may be some connection there, problem is, only kind of guys I am attracted to are the "bad" boy kind of guys. No quiet accountants for me, thank you. Gotta have the rush, the little hint of danger, and then the heartbreak.

I had 2 male friends, wonderful, sweet men, who liked me years back, but they felt like brothers, and it would have felt like incest. I don't know how to change what I am attracted to. Counselor doesn't seem to have an answer for that one either, except that I need to watch closer for the warning signs. Sucks.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is a smoker,too. He actually wants to quit that, kinda.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Food addiction is the most common co-addiction with sex. Mine has issues with food. (As do I but I'm not SA)

His dad is a triple threat. We suspect he is SA, we know he is alcoholic and has gambling problems.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 18th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, I just had to comment,

OMG, LDLH, I love your new tag--you have had me ROTFLMAO today!!!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Katty
♀ New Member
Member # 23231
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, March 19th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it was exactly that - all men look at porn was her view and I should not let the fact that he was get me so upset! Being British I sort of went along with this attitude at the time (isnt that what men are like? As long as he keeps it quiet etc etc) then when I got outside it sort of hit me that she was talking c**p...
bought him a couple of books last time which he read and said he could relate to - even took them to our first session with therapist to talk about but she was seriously not impressed.

Glad you said that about the co-addict stuff I had a real problem with that one...


Me BS 48
Him WS 53 (Although he never admits to more than 49 on AFF etc..)Are they blind these people???
No children
Together 9 years
DDay #1 six months in
DDay #2 six months later
DDay #3 you get the picture

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: UK
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