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User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you going on the trip with him veritas? I seriously would be developing a case of ...... (runs, flu, anything) so I didn't have endure torture.

I had the worst runs/stomach flu for Thanksgiving. I lost 4.5 lbs in four days. And it was worth every retch not to have to endure the trip out there for Thanksgiving. It was so peaceful.

Somehow, I don't think that lightning would strike me so fabulously a second time... nor do I think they would believe it

Sleeping the same bed with him? It sounds like a weekend of pure hell.

Once I gave him the relationship he said he wanted, he all of a sudden decided that we need to sleep in the same bed, and be in lurve. Before, he had the drama of telling me how little I meant to him. Now, he's got the drama of being the one holding things together with the ice maiden. He's such a queen, I swear. He's not content to just let things roll along; everything has to be dramatic and fought over and picked over and analyzed and if he even thinks he's coming out with less than his rightful due, he'll change positions faster than a gymnast at the Olympic tryouts -- and think nothing of it.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, April 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm what about giving HIM a dose of Ipecac and letting HIM stay home.

I have no idea how you do it. Reading posts like this make me so happy to be free.


((((HUGS))))


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Averageguy42
Member
Member # 366
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD's never change!
Here I am, seven years after DD1, six years after DD2, and five years after divorce. My XWW still alters history and tries to push my buttons! And unfortunately, she's sometimes successful, even still! The only reason we have any connection is that we have children together. She tries to use them to get to me, but they're old enough to see through it.
Anyways, I've long since realized that my best strategies are to keep communications to a minimum (which is unfortunate for our kids) and to just detach as much as possible. I'm usually pretty good at that.

To all of you also dealing with NPD's, don't let your guard slip! Here's to your mental health!

AG


Posts: 116 | Registered: Aug 2002
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why won't they let us go? Why can't they just be happy with their choices and leave us alone? Why do we have to "pay" for giving them what they say they want? Why do they seek out revenge on us?

I'm so tired..he got what he wanted. He got his girlfriend...he got me to file for divorce so I'm the bad guy...he let the marital home go into foreclosure...why won't he just leave me alone. Why does he just have to keep on and on? Why can he get away with it and the law can't do anything about it?


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dazed))) I don't know what's going on, but I am rooting for you. I hope your weekend goes better.

I thought about it this week, in a book I read, where one of the characters said that the reason why the stalker could not just let it go was because now that the ex had broken free, she was in a position to expose him. That fear of exposing the True Him to the world instead of the front he tried to put up was something that the stalker would go to extreme and stupid lengths to thwart. I think it is very true for narcissists.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me? The oft-recurring theme; does this make any sense?”
Belongs here.
To me?
No…
I seem to hear EACH of your stories (and I pray)

Here? That question almost goes wout saying, no?

The most bizaare things!
I say ladies!
Kkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Em talkin!Makin fools of themselves yes.

GOOD PLAN!

(((tribe)))


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEVER MIND ME, I'M JUST A BORING DOORMAT

oops didna mean to shoutcapsloknall
caintype
hugsthread
really does
you gurls take me deepest.
thanks!
hugsall


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why won't they let us go?

Because we have to be punished for rejecting them.

They will rewrite history, blame shift, justify their the affair, rant and rage...etc. They will usually claim that THEY are divorcing us.

I used to say, "Who gives a shit. As long as the end result is the same.... "

But it WAS a big deal to him. See, I had him removed via protection order and I had the money in my car for attorney retainer and the documents all ready to go. He and his mother stole my car the SUnday prior to my lawyer appt. They took the money, the photos of abuse, the docs ect. (I did have copies) But he took my money and retained his own attorney and filed against me. It didn't matter. I still got the protective order and got him out of the house.

My point is that it was a HUGE issue to him that EVERYONE knew that it was HIM divorcing me and that he had good reason to do so. Never mind the numerous affairs, never mind the OC that he had been hiding for almost 3 years, never mind the abuse and the alcoholism.

Suddenly I was a "drug addict" and "incrurably mentally ill." He made up so much crap it was crazy. These were the REAL reasons we were getting a divorce. I don't know how he explained the three year old little girl.

I was at the point where I didn't care. I was like, "okay....divorce me then. Let's get the show on the road!"

Oh no. He had to drag in out forever. He would not settle on ANYTHING but everything. Then he would claim that it was ME who would not settle.

Keep in mind, he is living with OW, in a relationship with the other OW and starting a relationship with OC and claiming that he is "happier that he has ever been."

Yet he's driving by my house, vandalizing, shooting out my windows, throwing lawn furniture in the swimming pool, cutting my phone lines, throwing roofing nails in my driveway and God knows what else.

The bottom line is this; IF you dare to discard an NPD, you must be punished.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:48 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo, I hope he has left you alone now.

How do you ever get back a sense of security after something like that?
I left an abusive bf in OR yrs ago and still had to worry about him on my backtrail for a few yrs after that.

I left him shortly after he had his hands around my neck choking me and I blacked out.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup..he is the one dragging his feet on this divorce not me...yet he claims it's all me. I'm so sick of it all. I want it over and I want some peace.

Yet I fear it will never be over. Even after we get divorced...I'm betting he's going to keep dragging me into court. I'm so over this...


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
Siamo Uno
♀ Member
Member # 993
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just discovered this thread. My H has NPD, (my therapist thinks so after my description of his behavior) and after all the years I have been here at SI I have not managed to have enough courage to leave him. I came close a couple of times but he managed to talk me out of it. So I have been coping the best I can and taking it one day at a time, but life really sucks for me. I want to be happy again. It's been YEARS since I have been truly happy. I am tired of the constant criticism, and cruelty, and the lies, etc. I feel for all of you because I know how much it sucks.


"Thou ought to be nice, even to superstition, in keeping thy promises, and therefore equally cautious in making them."


Posts: 2638 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Ohio
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((siamo uno))) I thought you had left him for good. I am in the same boat, but rapidly losing my determination to stay with him until I make a larger salary. I was going to stay until the boys graduated from high school, but I can't go through this hell for 5 years, and now I don't even think I have the patience to wait 2 years for my degree. This sucks. Especially since he's in one of his very crazy modes and acting out.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Siamo Uno
♀ Member
Member # 993
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas,
I got really close to leaving, but he managed to sweet talk me out of it. They are good at that. Then he went right back to acting out again. *sigh* Most days are very hard. My kids are grown, so I don't have to worry about them, but he has always made all the money, and never let me work, so I am afraid to leave for financial reasons. And I really HATE it that I have to depend on him for money....If I were rich, I would have been gone a long time ago....


"Thou ought to be nice, even to superstition, in keeping thy promises, and therefore equally cautious in making them."


Posts: 2638 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Ohio
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Veritas)) ((Siamo Uno))

HB, I don't know if he'll ever completely leave me alone.


How do you ever get back a sense of security after something like that?

I'm sure I will never feel completely secure ever again. Gone are the days when I work in the yard with the doors unlocked and the garage doors wide open. I have a security system with video surveillance that records. I've got cameras everywhere. In the tress, in the eaves of the house, at the entryway, over the garage...etc. I also have a BIG dog. Most important, I have remained TOTAL NC with him since I threw him out in early 2002. Every time I see him over here, I call the police. If I have any damage, I call the police. If he calls on the phone, I file a police report. The police KNOW that I am dealing with a NUT. Now that I have my video surveillance, I also send his fiance' (OW#2) a still shot of him or him in the vehicle driving by (or both) and let her know where he is and what he's doing and I tell her that I'm calling the police again. Since I've started doing that, things have SLOWED WAY DOWN.

I've also come to realize that the man is a chicken shit. Any man who has to pick on a woman in some sneaky underhanded way is nothing but a chicken shit. If he were any kind of man, he'd act like it. No chance of that.

Veritas and Siamo Uno,
When I threw him out, I was unemployed and and beaten down (emotionally and physically) to the lowest point I have ever been. I had to borrow money from my family to help me out and because I had earned the majority of the $ and we hadn't been married very long I wasn't going to get any support from him.

You are both is much better positions that I was. You would both be awarded support.

You need to quietly plan your escapes. Get to an attorney, determine your rights, find out what money you'll need up front and then prepare. Set a "go" date and then begin to plan. Once you start, you have to realize you cannot go back no matter what.

No matter how long you wait, no matter how much money you have, no matter what type of job, no matter what, it will never be a better time to leave an NPD, but RIGHT NOW.

Good LUck.

Let me know if I can help in any way.

Dazed, I'm thinking of you all the time. Hang in there. You're going to make it. I know right now it seems as if it will never be over, but it will. Try to stay positive.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Siamo Uno
♀ Member
Member # 993
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist told me the same thing this morning, that I need to plan my escape. It's just scary.


"Thou ought to be nice, even to superstition, in keeping thy promises, and therefore equally cautious in making them."


Posts: 2638 | Registered: Jan 2003 | From: Ohio
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, wonderful people in NPD thread.

I am just about finishing the book "The Mirror Effect - how celebrity narcissism is seducing America " by Dr. Drew. Has anyone read this? I thought it was interesting how people become narcissitic and the media is feeding them.

This is very interesting and insightful book.

What is the mirror effect?

- A tendency to obsess over those damaging celebrity stories - and mirror them back in our own behaviors. A temptation to solve our problems the way celebrities do - through body image obsession, sexual acting - out, drug use, and diva behavior. A threat to our relationship, our families, our mental health, and our safety.

The way that malignant forms of narcissism, as showcased by the media, can cause vulnerable everyday people to descend into dangeerously narcissistic behaviors. And there is a third factor that significantly amplifies the Mirror Effect's potential influence on all of us: the twenty-first centry media universe has become a potent delivery system with the power to spread those behaviors from celebrity circles to society at large.


What is Narcissism?

- It's not what you think it is: It's not ego. It's not self-love. Its self-loathing. Envy. Insecurity. Self-destruction.


Who's most vulnerable to the dangers of narcissism?

Children - especially those with troubled parents.

Teenagers and young adults - whose brains are fraught with insecurity and hardwired for constant drama.

And celebries - whose psychological dysfunctions drive them to the spotlight and whose persenal traits have become the storylines of our culture.


By the early 2000s, a handful of enterpreneurs recognized the potential to use this technology to create an entirely new form of communication and began creating what became known as social networking sites. First Friendster, then MySpace and Facebook, allowed their members, at that time predominantly young women and men looking for connection, to create Web pages on which they could share personal information, photos, and running commentary about their lives. These unmonitored sites invited users to create new personae whose connection with thier real lives were often tenuous at best, a high-tech version of what psychiatric professional call a pseudo-self, a classic social coping mechanism among narcissists. And the perceived goal of these sites was to connect with others by "friending" them, thus establishing and ambiguous, but alluring, connection with strangers who might be hiding false fronts of their own.

I posted this in the book club forum, too. Let me know if anyone read this book and what you think...

Thanks. Have a good day.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is NPD? I googled it & thought my WSABF doesn't quite fit the description but he didn't fit the description of SA either. It took some of the kind ladies on the SPOSA to keep at me until I did enough verifying & questioning to find out so maybe he has NPD as well.

I don't know if he has a healthy ego or need for approval or if it is more.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwillrecover: I read some of your posts to get some kind of idea as to what your husband is like, and honestly, I don't get much of a read on him at all. I also didn't get where he was a diagnosed SA; in fact, the opposite. He doesn't test for being one; you just think he is. I know it's very early from your D-day, but I would caution you against trying to diagnose him yourself. A lot of times, BS's want to believe that there's something wrong with the spouse because that means they can fix it. I wouldn't waste too much energy on that approach because it will distract you from getting to the real issues.

As to whether your husband is NPD, the biggest measure of that is YOU. Because if you've been with an NPD, you would be feeling the effects of it. NPD is more than a need for attention or an ego; it's about the NPD's rock-solid image of themselves that they will protect at all costs. They will slaughter anyone who gets in the way of their achieving that image. I don't see that kind of aggressiveness in your posts about your husband.

A good website to start at is http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

the writing is matter of fact and down to earth.

Good luck in your recovery!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks veritas,

I sent you a PM about why I think my WB is SA. I don't want to misdiagnose him. I need to know what I am really dealing with to make informed decisions. Maybe you can take a look when you get a chance.

thanks


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWR: I got some more clarity from the PM, but your BF has a lot of issues, and a lot of things going on that he's going to need to figure out for himself. He's also been operating at such a level of deceit that you may have not unraveled everything, and someone in an official capacity could help in diagnosing him. Good luck.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
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