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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last visitation my kids had with their dad, my son came home telling me that there was not any type of air conditioning. Mind you, I live in the south and it's near a 100 degrees now. There's also dog shit all over the house and it stinks bad. Then theres roaches(bad) and rats. He said that he didn't want to go over to his dad's house anymore.

So this week I tell asshole my son doesn't want to go over to his house anymore. All he says is whatever. I also told him that he could just keep the kids at his parents house.

He brings it up to my son in the car. My son tells asshole he doesn't want to go to his house and why.

The pet freak tells my 8 yr old son that he better get used to it because wherever I move, there will be roaches. Hmmm, I didn't know asshole was physcic.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine, after not allowing me to be his friends on several social networks, finally decides to be my friend on Facebook. He reads something he doesn't like by one of my uncles -- then accuses that uncle of having molested me when I was younger, and that's why this uncle wants me to divorce, for his own perverted agenda! Not everybody lusts after children like you do, asshole. I once caught him begging and pleading to be allowed next door, where there were no adults or males; just a bunch of high school girls! When the parents came home and he was escorted out, he still managed to "stay" to work on one of their cars (I asked him to go watch his kids play in the pool -- he refused because he had to fix her car). I left because I was so incensed by his behavior, came back a few minutes later, and he and one of the older teens next door are sitting by the pool together, having a cig, and looking like a couple. There have been few times in my life when I could say that I have seen that red haze under which I would have killed somebody and that was one of them. You don't bring your "wives" around my children. Only the fact that I was holding one of our children held me back from doing something entirely stupid.

And for the record, I was never molested. But at least my uncle (and many of the family) knows what kind of crazy I've been dealing with.

[This message edited by veritas at 3:36 PM, June 15th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rats and cockroaches - sounds like he is in good company! However, far from hygenic ... is there a law over your way that would stop kids going to his house due to the unsanitary conditions?

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there no way to get child protection involved in the the visits. The children should ne be expected to go to a place when the conditions are like that. It makes me afraid so I can only imagine what the kids feel. (I have never seen a rat, just mice and I never want to. ) It is not acceptable and you have to stad up for the kids in whatever way you can.

What about the heath department?


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I tried CPS. They gave him a call and set up an appointment. I guess the man didn't look to good. He said that I was being vindictive and we need parenting classes.

So far, he hasn't taken the kids back there.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 15th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peridot, that is so horrid! Your poor son... Keep making noise about the squalor until something is done. That is completely disgusting.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry about what your ex says. If your son is afraid and has the courage to tell the worker what he has witnessed there that will hold alot of weight.

I love it how they suggest parenting classes. It is the pat answer and we all know that these kind of classes would go in one ear and out the other with these nutcases. My worker told my ex he needed to take parenting classes as well. :)

I am sure that either your ex is going to clean up superfast or the worker will get to see the real situation. These people bury themselves eventually.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really bad day.

It's been a year since our "final" mediation.
The judge still refuses to sign because of all of his lies.

Three years of trying to get divorced. The one thing I want most in the world is denied because he is a useless lying piece of shit.
So yeah.. bad day.
He'll never be gone. I see that now. No amount of bravery on my part will ever make this better.
Some days it's really hard not to just give in and let him finish this. It would be so easy. Just let slip with an address.
But, this too shall pass.
Is it wrong of me to admit that I'm tired?
So very, very tired of the inevitable.
Why can't he just be gone and let me be?


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
norah
♀ Member
Member # 2531
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I've been posting a bit over on divorce.seperation forum, as stbxh and I are divorcing. (yay me!) I've also been doing alot of research on NPD....he more than qualifies for the Dx. I found a great website for NPD abuse recovery, and it's helped so much in dealing with his nasty behaviors.

After 20 yrs....I can honestly say...I hate him!!! I mean, I seriously hate him.

He moved out of the house almost a month ago, might be living with OW (don't care either...she's more than welcome to this mental midget)...but he's left me stranded.

I'm looking for a job, turning my app in tomorrow to a place I think I have a good chance of being hired. (fingers crossed for me please). The asswipe has seriously gotten on my last nerve.


Since I know I'm dealing with an NPD, I'm not really expecting to come out very well in the divorce. He's going to do everything he can to make sure I get as little as possible, so I have to have Plan B in place...job, place to live, etc. Even if he is court ordered certain things in the divorce there's no guarantee he'll do them.

The guy is a real piece of work. In the span of 3-4 months he's turned into this inhumane monster who will go as low as possible & play as dirty as he can....to "win". Actually, it's his "true" self that's shining thru...no reason to pretend anymore...the mask is off. All he cares about...winning.

My second vent for the day. Seems he got under my skin more than I thought.

norah

[This message edited by norah at 12:08 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 554 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: USA
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, June 17th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chip and Norah, I am so sorry that these jerks are causing you problems. Don't give up. Stand strong and you do eventually win and get freedom. Sometimes it is very difficult road but I can tell you that they will win alot less than they think.

Norah my ex thought that since he was the one who worked while I cared for the children everything was his. I can tell you that he was terribly disappointed in the end because he was lucky to get what he did. He didn't win a darn thing.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH thought everything was going to go his way also. Sure, the house is going into foreclosure, my car repoed but I got the kids and everything in the house. He left with only his personal possessions and a whole lot of bad credit, everything was in his name. He tried to fuck me over but he fucked himself. Now that the gold digging whore is knocked up, I'm sure she will finish him off, what's left over, which isn't much.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
norah
♀ Member
Member # 2531
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he was here the day before, I told him I expected 24 hours notice before he came over again. That since he no longer lived here, I didn't appreciate him just barging as if he did. Naturally, he flipped me off before driving away.

haha! Sorry azz still can't drive a stick....jerk...jerk...there he finally goes. I bet that put a damper in his arrogant departure. LOL

Of course, he comes back today. He didn't come into the house tho. He had a friend from work bring him out here to get his truck. I went outside in time to see him speeding down the street and then his friend drove past. If I hadn't seen his friend, I might have thought someone stole the truck.

If they had, I guess the next thing I should have done was come inside and fix myself a nice cup of my favorite tea, and browse the internet.

But yes, I got the message. He'll do as he pleases, go wherever he pleases, whenever he pleases. Otherwise, there was no reason for him to come get his truck.

They never tire of playing 8th grade games, do they?

norah


Posts: 554 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: USA
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you with children, whether your X is NPD or a sociopath or BPD. There is a book I read about on Lovefraud; a site for people who have been involved with these life-blood sucking types; the book is for people who have had a child with this person. Many of these disorders/diseases are highly genetic.

The name of the book is Just Like His Father. It is a first edition, seems a little low budget, but I believe the information is still valuable.

It helps you bring up your child to have a capability to love, empathize etc.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
norah
♀ Member
Member # 2531
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the games continue.....

Last week stbxH stopped by my attorney's office to pick up the new settlemnt proposal. It was his birthday. (Happy B-day, honey) I'm sure he was livid.

Well, apparently Mr Big-shot money maker decided he was entitled to buy himself a birthday present...a $30k new car. Guess he was gonna "show me", in this divorce, eh? LOL...He had to return the car a few days later because the dealership couldn't get a clear title on it. The contract was cancelled, he stopped payment on a $3k deposit, but they still sent out a $3k rebate check to the "marital" home.

Guess who got the check before he did? Ummm huh...me. That was the day he came to the house, just barged in and started searching thru the mail. He was looking for the check, but he didn't want me to know about the car, so he wasn't about to ask me if a check came in the mail. (This was the same day he told me to ..."talk to your lawyer" when I asked him for my weekly money. Douche.)

Lo and behold, the next day there was a message on our voicemail from the dealership...they wanted their rebate check back. hahahahahahahaha! Too funny. What to do? What to do? hmmmmm....? Do I sign his name and cash it? Check? What check? I doan kno 'bout no stinkin check.

Okay, here's what I did. I took it back to the dealership myself, and requested a receipt from the manager. He was nice, didn't want to get "involved" in a divorce dispute.

I decided to take the check back myself as a CYA tactic in case stbxH decided to just cash the check, and claim that I took it since it came to the "marital" home, and he doesn't live here so he doesn't get the mail.

And now I smugly sit here awaiting my "payback"...cuz you know NPD's love their payback.

norah

[This message edited by norah at 3:09 AM, June 20th (Saturday)]


Posts: 554 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: USA
tooexhausted
♀ Member
Member # 15232
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 20th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally posted this article in S/D and a poster suggested that I post it here as well:

I saved the following article because it describes to a "T" what I went through. What a LOT of us go through. (Of course, not all waywards are like this. I don't want to generalize. But it applies to me--I had to deal with an entrenched narcissist).


Take the Pain
The process of 'leaving and grieving' is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Get therapy to help. Join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not a victim in this situation, you were targeted. Don't expect other people to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners, they cannot fully understand and they won't be able to offer the emotional support you need at this time. You will be disappointed if you expect their emotional support. Our emotions will be on a rollercoaster. We have many times when we doubt ourselves, and question the reality. We can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, thoughts of revenge and justice. When we're angry, we punch a pillow. Keep a journal, it's wonderful therapy. Surround ourselves with normal people. We need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to ditch that 'if only' or need-for-closure thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what's happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do reconnect with this abuser, treat it as a learning opportunity. Be easy on yourself. Enjoy the small treats life has to offer. You deserve it. Continued contact with any abuser is dysfunctional behaviour and professional therapy is needed.

Self-impose a “No Contact” rule.
One of our strongest tools to recover is the power that comes from our self discipline and silence. We need to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation. It’s the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way. They choose the timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don't realize that until later. We will undergo a paradigm shift in changing our ways of thinking about our situations and a painful change of our expectations.


The Nature of the Beast
An abuser is not going to make the end of a relationship easy. If you're one of the lucky ones, he'll cut you off cold and you'll never hear from him again. In all probability he'll enjoy watching you squirm as long as he can. He’ll flaunt his new 'soulmate' under your nose. He’ll have her convinced you’re a demon who has gone over the edge, but you know she’s being deceived. He’ll say nasty things about you to anyone he can find. He’ll fight you tooth and nail for every nickel. He’ll try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. He’ll stalk and harass and could become violent. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other darts he’ll throw.


He will try to drawn you into the relationship over and over and will only give up when it's easier to target somebody new. Don't allow yourself to think that "he's reaching out because he cares" - that's what he wants you to think and he will be counting on your gullibility.


Self Analysis
Now we’re faced with another beast. Ourselves. When the relationship ends, our self esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we’re setting our feet on a path we never expected. Out of the chaos is the realization that we may have traits that make us vulnerable to these predators. We may be psychologically dependent on the need to have someone, even an abuser in our lives. We may be ashamed to admit our partners turned abusive. We may find we’re nurturers who have given ‘til it hurts. Often we find we’re naïve, vulnerable and easily deceived or drawn to these types. We may have addictive behaviours or too high a tolerance for bad behaviour. Or, we may be addicted to the drama. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we’re preconditioned to accepting bizarre behaviour, or we look the other way because we grew up looking the other way. We may find we have our own personality disorders, or mental health issues. As we learn about mental illnesses we will learn a lot about ourselves too. Seek professional therapy - a very strong tactic - for ourselves.


We are now the rare individuals with first-hand knowledge of these flesh and blood human impersonators. Well, there’s no such thing as bad knowledge. Down the road, we emerge from this experience a lot smarter and more self aware. Most of us find we function best where we can put our nurturing helping talent to good use. Be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents and abilities. There is a wonderful world waiting out there -- far away from those who would target you.


Next Time?
We will no longer be naive and trusting. We'll take our knowledge of these abusers and learn a few red flags and where their favourite hunting grounds are. We'll pay more attention to our gut instincts and put any relationships on hold while we watch for more signs, determine the reality of the situation, and we'll protect ourselves more. Being aware of our vulnerabilities will make us a whole lot smarter next time we run into one of them. Yes, we will. Beyond a doubt, we’ll see more of them in the future. The hell you’ve survived will pay off now. You’ll be able to spot one of these fast-talking, smooth-walking con artists and we'll be armed to the teeth with an ability to avoid them and protect ourselves. But, can we always spot them? Of course not. We’re already vulnerable and they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart. When we begin to detect the cracks in their behaviour, we'll know to move quickly to escape. The precious gift we give ourselves will be our own self sufficiency. Taking charge of our lives will bring the reward of Peace of Mind.
___________

© Author: femfree 2001


Posts: 898 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Living in the moment
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 20th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great article. I whole heartedly agree. Thanks so much for sharing.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Genetically speaking....

My son, only 13 mos. old. When I am holding him, will slap me in the face. When I ask him to "stop" or say "no" he seems to enjoy it even more and will continue to hit me.
When I say stop or no, I also gently/firmly hold his hand(s).

I thought I had a grasp on how to control this behavior as I trained him to gently "pet" my face.
Today I redirected him to pet, and he started petting but them began to hit me repeatedly.
I am firm with him, but feel guilty yelling at a 1 year old.

Is something wrong or am I overreacting?

Does anyone have advice?


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 28th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just keep redirecting him. He doesn't understand it is painful and he does get a reaction.

Being kind and consistent will get through in time.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Cerise
♀ Member
Member # 16053
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I flipped off my husband. I didn't just use my finger, I used my entire arm. I lost it when he refused (for the past 3 months actually) to give me copies of our daughter's insurance cards. I did it in front of some of his neighbors.

He has already filed 2 harrassment complaints against me. One was for screaming "What the fuck is the matter with you" after he bloodied out daughter's nose. I am sure he headed down to the police station to file another complaint.

The lengths narcissists will go to control.

Anyway, will ya'll come visit me in jail?


Posts: 1691 | Registered: Sep 2007
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm I wonder how many people they can put in Jail for harrassing him because I am flipping him off with my whole body over and over right now.

Mine just served me papers. He agreed to pay the table amount of support (suprise, suprise) but wants the courts to change the orders for us to both support the children until they are finished post-secondary education. That piece is standard here and I had my lawyer state it in the papers just so it was clear what was agreed (we had even been putting moneys away for the boys for years since they were babies). I guess that being married to the wifetress has made him change his tune but I seriously doubt the courts will change the order now (boys are 13 and 16 and both have disabilities) when we have no idea what will happen and what support they wil need in 2-5 years. I guess he had to file something against what I did. The only thing he can attack me on is taking away the $$$ used to care for the children.

I am kind of shocked that he agreed to the CS. I wonder how much his income has gone up for this year. I will have ask the courts to get me that information as well. He has agreed too easily. I know him well enough to know that there is always a lie or covering something up in there someplace.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
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