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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Hope you are all doing ok. Life is ok for me at the moment - still a few issues but I guess that is to be expected.
My ex-husband is getting married next week and it made me feel quite sad and insecure. I felt sad because I had to ask him about picking up the kids etc (notice it was me who had to ask him and put myself in a difficult position - no change there then) and it was something I would never have expected to do...as I thought my marriage was for life etc etc.
The other emotion was insecurity. The old why wasn't I enough etc etc, what is so special about her, why couldn't he change for me. He is even a bike-rider now! I was married to him and I never ever saw him on a bike!!!!!!!1
I know the theory of why he is such an arse but even now it can still make me sad.

Is this a normal reaction?


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its,

I think it's normal. I am sorry you are going through this.

As far as the bike-riding; I answered a similar question for myself recently. These people are so empty, it's very easy for them to adapt to someone else's taste. I think back to when we were together and realize he never held an opinion on much of anything, colors I painted the rooms, shoes and clothes I bought him, what to name our son, what color he wore to the wedding...
Now he's totally different.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Its)))))))

I know that when they remarry it is hard to accept especially if we are alone. Me ex did not appropriately plan for the kids and their needs at the wedding so mine ended up missing the wedding. (probably a good thing since I know they would have caused trouble just for fun). It will still be about him but if he is anything like mine he will start putting the new marriage before his kids as well since he can't afford to lose that supply.

It is so totally not about us at all. They are such cameleons that they will become just like the person they are around. With my ex that was so screaming apparent when he showed up for the court hearing a few weeks ago. He clearly was having her dress him (in a snot green shirt and the most ugly tie I have ever seen). He was all whiney and playing the victim just like the kids describe the wiftress does when she doesn't get her way. He never used to act like that and it was shocking to see him do that.

Just wait a while Its. After the marriage you will get glimpses of how totally unhappy he is with this marriage as well. I know mine is. He treats me like crap and if he was really happy inside he would not need to take out his unhappiness on me. He would not call me up and rage at me etc. instead he would, at the very least, be indifferent towards me if he was really happy. It won't take long before he starts putting her through the crap he put you and the kids through. She won't be 'enough' either.

As for the bike thing, if your ex is anything like mine it will be a passing fancy just like everything else. He will want the best of and then toss it aside in no time for something else. Mine has done the tennis thing and the rollerblade thing, 2 cars and who knows what else all in the course of the past 4 years.

You are sad because of what you had hoped would have been, not longing for him and what was. This is the door to a dream closing and it hurts. What seriously helped me was to sit down and work on imaginining the dreams you really want for you. What would your dreams look like? I know for me I imagine being in a real relationship with a wonderful person who treats me and my children well, who can stay calm under fire and who is real, doesn't lie and hide behind someone else, who can make decisions on their own and has the patiences and strength to carry them out. Someone who would be my partner and not leaning on me for everything including their own identity. Someone who makes me be a better person and helps me follow my dreams instead of shooting them down in favour of his own wants and desires. Someone who sees me as an equal and not beneath him or someone there to serve him and what he wants.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Lied - wise words as always.
I agree with you about the type of partner you want. I don't know about you though but I won't settle for second best now even if it means a long time on my own. I settled for second best for many years but I won't do it again.
My ex's new wife will soon realise that she has got third/forth and fifth best him. He portrays his idyllic life but I know he is corrupt and decayed. she can have him. I have booked a spa day on his wedding day so I won't be thinking about him!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't settle, couldn't settle for less. I just can't do it. Lately I am not minding being alone. Not seeing what others are having to deal with and knowing the sacrifices I would have to make in my freedom I would have to make if I was married. I know how much work marriage takes and I would have to find someone I could not live without to even consider it now. I really don't know if there is even someone out there for me who would be like that.

My kids don't go to the wedding so my plans for the day got shot all to heck as well. I was going to spend time with friends but instead I had the kids here and it was just another day.

I giggle every time I think about the jerk the wifetress got. I think somehow she thinks that he would never treat her like he does me. Well I know that he never hit me and he has already hit her so she would get worse if it ever went south. He would have no reason to deal kindly with her since they have no children together. Mine knows that he can only be so terrible to me and his actions will come back to bite him because of the children. They do judge him even now.

So I wonder how much fun you will have laughing at how ugly the bride and groom are. I know my ex looked terrible compared to what he did when he married me and the wiftress got married something that looked like bad purple lngerie complete with feather boa trim. Oh and the prized pictures they put on facebook included a maid of honour and grooms man that looked bored out of their minds. They are lucky my kids didn't attend because they wanted to have koolaid coloured hair that would have seriously clashed with the wedding colours. LOL


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 30th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PA fucktard. He came to get the kids and I called him on the not answering emails. I had had a bad morning and was in a seriously pissy mood. He gives me crap that I am not answering him and refused to answer why he refused to respond to the past few emails. I told him if he wants to play it this was we can take all communication to postal mail instead.

I am seriously considering telling him he also will not be allowed to come here to pick the kids up. It just creates stress for me and I have no interest in seeing him ugly mug. Mind you it always cracks me up to see what he is wearing because he has no sense of style at all. He was wearing nike shorts that seriously look like PJ pants. I am trying desperately to teach my kids some fashion sense and their father breaks all the rules. I guess I could always make him the example of what not to wear.

Someone pathetic piece of crap went and stole my MP# player and noise headphone I use for work out of my car while parked in my driveway. I am getting seriously sick of it I half wonder if it was not the neighbour kid because who would dare do it under a streetlight in the front of my house.

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 1st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXP tells me the day he picks up DS that he needs me to meet him 12 hours early because he has a prior engagement.

I told him I wish he told me sooner. I gave him no guarantee I could.

He said he was going to his 'rents. He was mad I didn't have shoes on DS...he didn't care last week, as DS has shoes at STBX's "home".
Then he says he's "staying" at his 'rents.
Q:Why didn't he pack clothes for DS?
A:LIE

BTW his "Prior Enagagement" is in OW's hometown or his "home".
Q: Why?
A: He's trying to convince me he's living with his 'rents. Maybe OW is away, so he needs to be back "home" so she doesn't know he was "staying at his 'rents"

Ahhhhhhh. Arghhhhhh.

I wish I could call him on it, but we all know there will be a million more BAD lies to try to cover it up.

Ps I am putting GPS in the Diaper bag!!!!!!now


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 1st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ps I am putting GPS in the Diaper bag!!!!!!now

Go for it as long as he doesn't steal the darn thing. LOL

I so totally don't get their need to lie and pretend.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 1st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas said:
Once he found out how much a divorce was going to cost him, reconciliation has become very attractive to him and when he's not trying to talk me into accepting less than what a court will give me, he's trying to lure me into bed.

You made me laugh...sorry...but so true...that whole "cheaper to keep her" jazz...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
sofresh
♀ Member
Member # 22912
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 2nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Cheaper to keep her."

Yep. That's how I feel.

The only good in all this is that I know his new life is not what he had planned.
He is not happy.
He is getting what he deserves.


ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

Posts: 630 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: NY
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once the GPS moves from your property to his, it's either going to be his, or a big legal problem for you. You would probably do well to back off of trying to second-guess him. What he does or OW does should not be your primary concern; how he's treating your child should be.

You KNOW he's a liar. You KNOW that he's shifty. You KNOW that you have a better chance of getting a coherent answer from a squirrel than from listening to him. If you want to find out where he is and what he's up to, all you have to do is wait, because he's smarter and better than you (sarcasm) and they get tired of pretending when you're not on high alert.

Right now, documentation is your friend. Document EVERYTHING so that you can look up discrepancies later. Trying to figure out what lie is which one is like trying to kill cockroaches: when you see one, there's a million of them waiting in the walls. Second-guessing a crazy person might actually lead you down the wrong path because you'll accept certain things as reasonable and assume things about lies that will just lead you down the garden path. Let him stay in crazyville; take the train out of there and regard information as something only necessary for you to plan things for your child.

SM: *lol* My father said that this weekend! He knows how little love my NPD has for us.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading through this thread made me realize SO MANY things about my STBXH. His father was diagnosed NPD, too, and some of the stories I've heard sound like he was SA, too.

NPD and SA. Jeesh, what a combo. What did I get myself in to?

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Such a cliche, but so true. And frankly, I'm glad to be getting out from under that tree... It's going to take a lot of work and growth on my part to figure out how I got here, and to change so that it never happens again, and so that I can be the best, strongest mama that my little girl deserves.



Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome mermaidsd. Sorry you find yourself here but you are in good company.

You might find it helpful to read back through some of our threads. The first few have been deleted (I think) but there is alot of content in the threads and so much of their insanity doesn't change much from one freak to the next.

Healing so that we can move on the happy, free life is key. It can be very hard to extract yourself from the life that you have become used to so 180 is a good place to start so you can detach from it all and find yourself again.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, lied2. This site has been so incredibly helpful already, and I am so very grateful for all of the courageous people who have posted and shared their experiences. I will definitely look for the older threads.



Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 3rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD and SA. Jeesh, what a combo. What did I get myself in to?

I can relate to that! I've been out of my marriage for over a year and it is a huge relief!

I'm also trying to figure out how I got mixed up with one of these creatures and how he fooled me for so long. He did an incredible amount of damage to my life, but that is what they do. I pray that I never meet up with another N again, as long as I live.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

somer222, I cannot wait to be on the other side of this as well.

And I totally agree with never having to deal with another N again. STBXNPDSAH will always be in my life since he is the father of my beautiful child, but at least we'll have some space from the day-to-day insanity.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 4th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

somer222, I cannot wait to be on the other side of this as well.

And I totally agree with never having to deal with another N again. STBXNPDSAH will always be in my life since he is the father of my beautiful child, but at least we'll have some space from the day-to-day insanity.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome newbies!

It is very common for NPD's to have addictions. It goes along with their "poor impulse control." They can be sex addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, control freaks, or a combination of all the above.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We definitely have the combo going on here. Is it just the poor impulse control, or it is exacerbated by lack of empathy, which makes it hard/impossible for them to think about the repercussions of their actions?

STBXH only semi-acknowledges his addictive issues when he is backed against the wall, and even then, he continues to blameshift, gaslight, rationalize and manipulate.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and thanks for the welcome. I so wish that we all didn't have to be here, but am grateful for the sharing and support.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
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