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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXH only semi-acknowledges his addictive issues when he is backed against the wall, and even then, he continues to blameshift, gaslight, rationalize and manipulate.

Mine likes to offer up his sincere apologies in very generic, general, vague terms. However, if you mention any specific incidents, he goes apeshit, denies, lies, tries to divert the conversation, minimizes, blameshifts, etc.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine has terrible impulse control and is diagnosed with ADHD and likely is bi-polar or something else as well as the NPD and SA (porn lead to cybersex lead to cheating with who knows).

They are terrible role models for children so it leads to the children being all messed up as well.

It definitally is a relief to be away from him except that we still have some contact about the children although that has become less and less over the years. If you have children with them it is important to have some way of solving the impass that always gets created because these people love to play stupid games and try and control the situation often to the detriment of the children. If you can't get sole custody then at the very least make sure you have the final decision making power so that you don't end up in court over and over or begging them to do the right thing for the children.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine also definitely has the poor impulse control. When you combine his poor impulse control with his complete lack of a conscience and no capacity for guilt or remorse, you end up with a very dangerous individual. He becomes addicted to everything, very quickly. Right now, he's addicted to the PHP-Twitter stuff. I also suspect he's bipolar.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also suspect bipolar in addition to NPD and SA for STBXH. He has a very strong family history of it as well as other mood disorders, personality disorders and addictions to the max.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
mermaidsd
♀ Member
Member # 25035
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine likes to offer up his sincere apologies in very generic, general, vague terms. However, if you mention any specific incidents, he goes apeshit, denies, lies, tries to divert the conversation, minimizes, blameshifts, etc.

Yes, I can definitely relate to this as well. It's maddening, isn't it?


Posts: 64 | Registered: Aug 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to suspect that mine was Bi-polar also, but it just never seemed to really fit. He went on the meds and they helped some, but it just wasn't quite right. There just isn't a pill for replacing a conscience.

Is it just the poor impulse control, or it is exacerbated by lack of empathy, which makes it hard/impossible for them to think about the repercussions of their actions?

I think there are several things involved here. The poor impulse control, the lack of empathy, the sense of entitlement and also the sense of self importance. (grandiosity) They feel that they are above the law and that rules are made for "other people."

As the others have said, some NPD's will offer up an apology but it is usually a shallow, meaningless apology lacking sincerity.

When confronting an NPD about their bad behavior, one will most likely be met with a hostile lunatic. The NPD will scream, yell, jump up and down, blame shift, gaslight, rationalize, manipulate and sometimes become violent, etc.

The people close to the NPD soon learn to "walk on eggshells" and not confront.

The NPD learns that his bad behavior can continue WITHOUT repercussions or consequenses. I'm sure if you look back into the relationship of your NPD and his parents, you will find that there was some serious enabling going on. I know in my situation, his parents let him get away with EVERYTHING. He never faced any consequences. He was constantly in trouble (still is) and they constantly got him out of trouble. (it was always someone else's fault) If they didn't go along with what he wanted, they had to face his rath. They still think he's "perfect."

It's nutso.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:12 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There just isn't a pill for replacing a conscience.

LOL

I know my ex has a stepfather who is mean and a mother who enables and ise a liar and cameleon just like the ex. Seriously messed up family dynamics.

I know my ex has a terrible memory or atleast for anything that is not totally about him. It leaves him blameshifting etc because he doesn't want to show he forgot something or messed something up.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH has ADHD. I suspect that he is either bi-polar or is NPD.

His parents also have always enabled him. I sometimes wonder if they aren't afraid of him. He has always been bailed out by them and is never to blame for anything.

I have sole custody of the kids and he still uses them to try and control me.

He's told his new attorney I'm trying to keep the kids from him. As well as a bunch of other lies.

My attorney filed for her fees a few weeks ago. So asshole decides to file for his fees. Problem is, he makes over $50,000 a year and I make less than $10,000. I don't see the judge making me pay his fees,lol.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
norah
♀ Member
Member # 2531
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peridot,

Same with my stbxNH....he makes well over $100,000 per year and I make $0.00 (zero), and he's asking that I pay his attorney fees.

Ummmm....I suppose since she and stbxNH are trying to turn me into a "bag lady" she can just go ahead and slap a lien on my rickety-ass shopping cart....and send me her bill at the local soup kitchen. LOL

norah

[This message edited by norah at 1:44 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 554 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: USA
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's doing this pure out of spite because I filed for my attorney's fees.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning - huge, huge vent!

Well I guess the lessons I learned from NarcSA ex have taught me how to spot other narcissists (not that I am "looking" for them) and when they latch on and won't let go, how to deal with them.

I inherited a client and he is template NPD. He sought me out and I wasn't real delighted at the prospect of doing business with him, but thought I needed to be professional and try to accomodate him.

In my nearly 30 years in my business, I've never had a client quite like this. He calls up one day and is charming (he's divorced and flirts, too) and it is inappropriate and unreciprocated (I am NOT interested in him) and he must get pissed because he thinks he is hot shi*, and a total womanizer, and then the next day he has his secretary calling me nearly in tears because he brutalizes her and she has to tell me "he wants this from you and he wants that". Ridiculous things and she is in horror over the whole situation. Today she was crying on the phone to me and said "God, I need this job". Poor thing.

I think he is just trying to stay in my face and keep me engaged. I actually had a hard time sleeping last night, he has permeated my life so. The best part and screw me is that I've not made not one red cent yet off him but he has cost me plenty in terms of my time over the last few months and my efforts to SAVE him money, which I have done - thousands of dollars.

So when N client calls tomorrow wanting to take another piece of my hyde just for kicks, it isn't going to go the way he wants it to. I run my own business, so fortunately I don't have a boss who makes me put up with this kind of treatment.

Rather than flat out fire him, I'm going to turn NARC on him when he calls and be just as arrogant as he is. I'm going to tell him that I have re-evaluated our arrangement and that it is not working out for ME, in terms that I've not made any MONEY and that the amount of MY time that he is requiring is way out of kilter with the size of his account. (small).

I'll tell him that if he he would like to continue working with ME, he will need to sign an agreement to pay ME an hourly fee (and a high one, too).

I will also tell him that if he is not agreeable with that arrangement, his only other option is to go elsewhere.

Boy - that felt good to get off my chest. I've been so busy with my wonderful clients who actually pay me and who treat me with respect and sometimes even gratitude (which I don't expect). But I do give them my all and normal people can see that and they appreciate what I do for them.

I can't take care of the good ones as long as he is constantly in my face!


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't take care of the good ones as long as he is constantly in my face!

Typical Narcissist. Taking everything and leaving nothing for anyone else and never giving anything in return.

I'd like to hear how it goes after you have your chat with this over inflated ego bag.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I do not have confirmation that WH is NPD but his behavior currently fits the bill. It hasn't always been this way but has in the past 2 years. It goes in cycles - sometimes he is open, honest, caring and other times he is mean, wallows in self-pity, etc.
Anyway, we had our second MC session last night. I have been seeing this counselor on my own for 4 months because WH refused to go and was carrying on his EA. I filed for D and we S. He then decided he wanted to work on the marriage and wanted to go to my counselor with me instead of starting with someone new.

Anyway, the first session he acted vulnerable and open to what the counselor had to say and then last night he was the complete opposite - defensive, interrupting me, talking back when the counselor called him out on his behavior (he admitted he still texts the OW occasionally (!))

He stormed out at the end of the session and has been texting me over and over about how everyone is against him and no one cares about how I have hurt him (background - after D was filed, we were separated and he'd made it clear he was choosing OW I met another guy and had a little fling - it was a bad decision for me personally and I regret it).

I know that WH will probably not go back to this counselor. He has personally helped me a lot and I like his abrasive approach (think Dr. Phil). I feel like throwing in the towel with regard to the marriage - I am not sure that WH is workable and he is driving me crazy right now.

Anyone had experience with WS getting mad at the counselor when they try and get them to own their stuff? Anyone had experience in counseling with someone who may be NPD?

Also posted this in general but it was recommended I post here, too.

Thanks!


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

somer222, you'll have to post an update for us. That will be interesting.

mommy, we went to one session.

She stayed neutral for the most part but when he started raging at me, she called him on it. It was nothing more than a bitch fest for him. He didn't care about resolving anything. Just bitching and yelling at me.

Everything was going okay until she got him to admit his problems. Note, we had already discussed my short comings. It all went downhill when we started discussing him.

I suggest driving in seperate cars. Asshole about killed us on the way home. I made him pull over at one point and when he got back in the car, he and the seatbelt had a fight.

I called her later that night to let her know we wouldn't be coming back. She said, she wasn't surprised.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We drove in separate cars, thankfully! I think I would've called a cab otherwise.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone had experience with WS getting mad at the counselor when they try and get them to own their stuff? Anyone had experience in counseling with someone who may be NPD?

I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the "cookie-cutter" similarities.

NPD's typically don't own their "own shit." Nothing is ever their fault. It's always someone else's fault, some else made them do it, etc.

When I was still in COMPLETE denial, I took my XNPDH to MC too. I took him to my IC. (like you) Everything was fine as long as we were talking about me and MY problems and what I needed to work on and etc. As soon as the IC started to talk about HIS issues and what he had contributed to the destruction of our marriage, the IC was met with a barrage of, "F**K off, you f**king asshole! You don't even know what you're talking about!! We're here because of HER PROBLEMS!!" And he got up and stormed out of the office.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He stormed out at the end of the session and has been texting me over and over about how everyone is against him and no one cares about how I have hurt him (background - after D was filed, we were separated and he'd made it clear he was choosing OW I met another guy and had a little fling - it was a bad decision for me personally and I regret it).

This is also so NPD typical. First of all, you did NOTHING wrong. You had filed for divorce, he had made it clear he was choosing the OW and he had moved out. You started a new relationship.

So what? Even though it didn't work out or whatever, you were IN PROCESS OF DIVORCE and SEPERATED. In my opinion at this point, all bets are off.

Yet now he cries foul about how everyone is against him and no one cares about how I have hurt him. We excuse me, but Boo-f**king-Hoo.

It's okay for him to have an affair, destroy the marriage, refuse to own his shit, start this entire chain of events, but then when YOU decide that you're going to move on with your life, he's going to make it all about him an his little precious feelings.

Wow. The rules only apply to you, huh? The world revolves around him? You go to counseling and it's all about him and how hurt he is? Has he stepped up to the plate and gone to IC on his own to see why he has done any of the things he did, (like remaining in touch with OW) or is that somehow your fault too?

Ugh. You've got a long way to go before you're going to work this out. I think the throwing in the towel option might be your best option. Sorry.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know - I don't see much hope here. He can't understand why people keep telling me I did nothing wrong.

I think sometimes I misinterpreted his renewed "interest" in the marriage when it was really just him seeing me moving on and knowing he was going to lose his supply.

And he has gone to IC - once - and basically just validated his feelings. So that was not helpful.

I have a feeling that when I go back for IC next week I am going to get hit by a huge 2x4 from my counselor.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt you'll get hit with a 2X4 from your counselor. Hopefully he'll be more gentle than that. There's nothing wrong with hanging on to hope.

I think sometimes I misinterpreted his renewed "interest" in the marriage when it was really just him seeing me moving on and knowing he was going to lose his supply.

That's probably part of it. But see, he's so self centered that he probably couldn't even fathom that you would move on. He doesn't see you as an individual person. He sees you as his property. He expected you to sit and wait for him and be there for him whenever HE decided he was going to come back. And usually with NPD's they decide when the relationship ends, not you. So even if he is having an affair, you are suppose to put up with it until he says otherwise. (I know it's sick)

He can't understand why people keep telling me I did nothing wrong.

THAT should tell you all you need to know. This is just common sense. Don't let him make you feel guilty about what you did. It sounds to me that you were HONEST about what happened and he has used the entire event against you. Don't put up with this. Don't feel bad about doing the RIGHT thing. You were seperated and had filed for divorce and you were honest. Now he's holding your feet to the fire.....see what I mean? But when you try to deal with what he did, you get crazy lunatic.....hmm....

If you're dealing with this kind of crazy making, you're most likely dealing with an NPD.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:41 PM, August 7th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sees you as his property. He expected you to sit and wait for him and be there for him whenever HE decided he was going to come back.

This is exactly asshole. He even told me in the past I was his.

He thought that he could just be gone awhile when he walked out and I would take him back.

One time, he even told me, he thought we were going to be seperated for 2 or 3 years like his parents and he could just come back home.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
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