How disappointing! He didn't call but sent an email with his question. The question was actually legitimate! No bullying at all.
I responded quickly and let it go. I'm still on my guard with him. Most definitely NPD - probably the worst I've ever seen!
I must have a stamp on my forehead that says "welcome N's" LOL.
What is weird is that he hasn't always been this way - or maybe he was and I just ignored it. All I know is that about every 2 weeks I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me by this man.
somer, glad you didn't have to deal with him over the phone. I'm sure you'll get another chance though.
It is what it is.
Okay..everytime i try to stick up for myself my STBXP tells me I’m being uncooperative and tells the law guardian.
I want to stay sane through all this crazy making. Can any of you experienced parents help me. My STBXP is not violent or abusive, and doesn’t use drugs of any kind so I cannot prove him an unfit father. I will not get sole legal custody here in New York State.
So far I have primary custody, but I fear all of his crazy making will cause me to think with my emotions instead of my intellect (I’ve seen this happen already) along with the lies he tells making it look like I don’t let him see his son or call his son!
Someone give me suggestions on how to…
2)Enjoy my life with my child with out showing anxiety
3)Not give my P/S and grounds to twist my intentions
Document everything. It is what will be needed to give your lawyer the necessary tools to help you. It will also give you a record of what you really do and what they say they do and it is all for show. Consistent care for the children does help (usually alot) and coming accross atable and sane can be difficult because some of the freak know exactly how to get us upset. Don't let them do it because you know what is at stake.
Hmm how to stay calm and sane. Not sure other than the odd drink when I seriously need it and maybe medication for the nerves. I know I personally can't take the regular AD meds so I have been taking ST John's wart and it has been helping me alot. I feel much calmer and less scattered.
Anyone had experience with WS getting mad at the counselor when they try and get them to own their stuff? Anyone had experience in counseling with someone who may be NPD?
Oh yes. many times over the years. My ex could not own much of anything and even if he did say he was wrong it was for show and any suggested changes where short lived. He lasted a whole 20 minutes in family counceling last summer. I was so shocked he came at all since he was getting remarried and all. I figured he did it for show with the wifetress. MC was very pointess because he always would bring it back to me and how I was causing all the problems. It was an utter waste of time.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
StbxH moved out and was paying mortgage, bills, utilities, and giving me money every week.....for awhile.
I've been looking for work since May...can't find a job to save my life.
Well, to be spiteful (long story) and to show me how much "control" stbxH-NPD has....he stopped giving me money, stopped paying my medical bills, had the landline disconnected, and has stopped paying utilities.
He makes over 6 figures per year, I haven't worked in years, and really don't have any marketable skills. I quit 2 jobs so he could keep his and not have to deal with school problems with our kid. WTH?
I'm tired of hearing from people IRL say..."he can't do that"...cuz obviously....he's doing it. I'm trying so hard not to give in, give up, and cry "uncle".
[This message edited by norah at 9:38 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]
Hopefully your lawyer can get something moving so that you have some funds to live on. It also couldn't hurt to go to the woman's shelter and see what kind of help they can offer you. This is abuse and he is an abuser.
In the end he will have to help you get back on your feet again. He doesn't get to take it all and leave you high and dry (unless you let him).
Hang in there. It gets better expecially when you don't have to deal with his insanity daily.
Thanks for replying. Altho things haven't changed much, I'm in a much better frame of mind than when I typed my last post. Oh man, how these N's make everything so difficult, and how dealing with him makes me "crazy". (I'm not, but somes days I almost wish I were...LOL)
I have a few leads on a job, so I'm excited about that. Please keep fingers and toes crossed for me. If I can just get a job then I wouldn't feel so trapped and powerless. That's the most frustrating part of it all.
I've come to terms with the end of the marriage, and am accepting this disorder (hard as it is), but it's still just so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that this is nothing more than a power trip and control game with him....and that he couldn't care less about the effect of his behavior(s).
I can't wait until I'm finally free and can move on to have a normal life. I remember when I first came to SI years ago because I believed his cheating and sex addiction was the problem...HA!....turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg. The more I know about NPD and continue no contact with him, the more the fog has lifted and I can see just how insidious the abuse is and what a sneaky passive-aggressive jerk he's been all these years.
A friend helped me out with the fur baby situation, so they're good for now. But, I'm still tossing around the idea of re-homing. I hate the thought of it but I hate the idea of them suffering even more. KWIM?
My NPDH fought (almost) to the death during our divorce too. Luckily, I had "been first to the court house" and had gotten a protection order to remove him from our marital home. I was also lucky becasue I owned the home prior to the marriage and could prove it. None of that stopped him. He still wanted all of everything.
I had lost my job. I worked in the tech industry and I was a victim of the dot-bomb fall out. XNPDH had cleaned out the bank accounts and left me with next to nothing.
We were married less than five years, had NO children, and no joint property. This should have been a SIMPLE DIVORCE. He had had several affairs, including one that resulted in an OC. He should have left with what he came with and never looked back.
But that's not what happened. He wanted to DESTROY me. There was NO joint property nor was there any "marital" property. Yet, he reassigned all of my "pre" marital property as either "his" pre-marital property or as "marital" property. I spent almost $40K just repsonding to this insanity. I had to PROVE what was mine was really mine. We're talking all the way down to an electric kitchen mixer. This all lasted for several years. It should have taken less than 90 days and cost less than a total of $500. I spent well over $50K before it was all over. I'm sure he had to spend as much if not more.
He absolutely would not stop. I had several protection orders. He would file for protection orders against me and claim that I was calling and harassing him and the OW. He would claim that I was threatening him and the OW. He would claim that I was threatening to "burn down their house." (all complete lies)
At the same time, he was vandalizing my house. My windows had been shot out of my house, all of my swimming pool equipment had been destroyed, (pump, heater, filter, pipes) anything and everything that was outside (gas grill, potted plants, etc) would end up in the swimming pool. I could never catch him in the act, so the police couldn't do anything. When they would question him, he would say that I was doing it to try and get attention. Uh-huh. Right. Because I really like going out to replace really expensive shit that worked fine before it was vandalized. Plus, the insurance wouldn't pay because in the police report I put that I believed it was my XNPDH (still husband) at the time and since he was still an owner, you can't make a claim on something that you purposely destroyed on your own property. I was on a first name basis with the entire police department.
I was right where you are. I was just about ready to roll over and cry "uncle." It was like, "WTF do you want???" Well, I knew the answer to that. He wanted me out of this house, he wanted everything in it and everything else I owned. And like your STBX, he would have loved to see me walk away with my shopping cart, filled with the cans from the garage, thanking him for allowing me into his life for the time he did and being grateful for the cans. He was not going to quit until then.
We finally had a pre-trial hearing. The judge wanted to know why we couldn't/wouldn't settle. At the time, I was OUT of money and was representing myself. I had decided that if I had to go to court, I would hire another attorney, (borrow more money from my family to do so) but until then, I could send documents back and forth. So his attorney, me and the judge went into chambers and went over each and every issue with the divorce. The judge asked for proof of ownership, canceled checks, documents, titles, receipts, etc on each item. I had every single item totally organized with a photo of the item we were arguing about, the original receipt, the canceled check, or credit card receipt, credit card statement, ect. If there was any associated expenses that went along with said item, I included them too. I also had copies that I supplied to the judge.
His attorney had mininal evidence to prove that my XNPDH owned anything. It was a joke. My XNPDH also wanted ME to pay for his attorney fees. During this hearing the judge told his attorney how he was going to rule on each item if we went to trial. He also strongly suggested to XNPDH's attorney that his client settle because if he continued to be unreasonable and take this to trial, not only would he rule exactly like he did on all the property today, but he would award ME my attorney fees.
The jack-ass finally settled.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:38 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Thanks for replying. I've been reading the NPD threads from the very beginning and have learned so much from all the posters here. Then I began doing research elsewhere, and have read everything I could find on the subject.
Issues with stbxH always seemed to get swept under the carpet over the years.
So here I am now suffering PTSD, anxiety attacks, and my health has been ran down. So every so often I have a bit of a meltdown, and am so grateful for SI. I know this isn't supposed to be a vent forum, but how can we not vent after all the crazy-making these fools put us thru?
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that this is a temporary situation, and I will finally be totally free of this PD person forever. I just have to figure out how I get from point A to point B in the meantime....without too much more damage to my sanity. LOL
[This message edited by norah at 9:40 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]
He and the whore filed VPOs on me, with fake evidence. They were the ones who were stalking me, vandalizing my home and prank calling me. Asshole was being abusive towards me every time I had to see him.
They got even when asshole lost everything by using my identity to get credit cards, broke in my home, stole my bank account info. Asshole used my checking account to pay his bills. This was after we were divorced.
Their newest bullshit is that the whore wants to play mommy and the moron thinks he's going to get custody of the kids somehow.
I can tell you, that even though I had to borrow that money from my family, refinance my house after the divorce was final to pay it all back, I would have spent twice that amount just to be rid of that SOB.
Not to frighten you, but mine didn't go away even after he was forced to settle. He sued me in civil court for "slander" of all things! Because I had "ruined his good name and great reputation." He wanted $1M in compensitory damages. At first I laughed thinking it was so insane and there was no way he would win, but then I realized I was going to have to hire ANOTHER attorney to fight this insanity too!! My homeowners insurance paid for this one because he was after the house and it fell under my umbrella policy just like if someone had fell down on my property. So I had my insurance companies ENTIRE TEAM of attornies go after him that time. He lost.
I totally understand how you are feeling too. I was suffering physically too. Panic attacks, could not sleep AT ALL. I don't think I had a good night sleep for years. Nightmares would not end. I was on anti-d's. After several years, I stopped, but I'm back on. I think I just do better with them. Maybe permanent mental damage.....who knows.
Just keep looking toward the future. It WILL be over. It cannot last forever. That's what I kept telling myself. That was the only way I kept going. You're going to make it too.
I got in IM from him this morning. There were some salary decreases at his company, in which people were notified by e-mail, but it may not apply to everyone, and he didn't get one, so he's just waiting to see if he's one of the people whose salary will decrease.
[This message edited by veritas at 3:06 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]
I am not also not using a lawyer for my current set of courts proceedings and I didn't the last time. I refuse to spend any more money fighting him if I don't have to. I may get less that way but that is fine. I will be further ahead because there is no way he can complain I went after him for anything other than what is written in the law (although i could go for more)
They do eventually give up. Some take alot more time than others.
We didn't have a fight over custody or visitation because the GAL took care of that.
The only things he fought about was money. Really there wasn't anything to fight over. The house is in foreclosure, my car got repoed and he sold his truck. I didn't want the car he had because I didn't want the payment.
There was also some things that he fought me on, that I was legally entitled to.
We just got divorced and I am already going to be back in court over CS and possibly his retirement if he did like I think he did and took all the money out. I'm still waiting to here on that one. Should know in a couple of weeks.
Things have gotten so bad that a cop and my attorney have told me not to give him an address when I move. Just hope he doesn't decide to start following me again.
I honestly don't get it - does he even know what love is? Does he equate love with control or possession? He makes me crazy. What was I thinking trying to give recon a chance
XWH is NPD/Sociopath. I think sociopath is the more accurate description for him.
The D process was very long and drawn out. The judge is to sign the final papers today or tomorrow. Then we're all done!
Of course, XWH has blamed the entire D and it's associated damage -- monetary, legal, emotional and otherwise -- entirely on me. He conveniently forgot that it was his A that lead us to D, and especially his refusal to stop seeing OW. He has put a horrible spin on everything and has repeatedly said that everything is my fault. He claims I left him. (I kicked him out of the house when I found the love letters and receipts for gifts for OW). He claims I have dragged this D through the system in order to bankdrupt him. (I have a modestly priced atty. He selected the highest price atty in the city. While my legal fees are more than I would like, his are 3 1/2 times MORE than mine! Honest!) He claims I refused to reconcile. (He keeps forgetting that I found out about OW#2 while we were in MC. Oops... ) He claims I refuse to let him go. (He's forgotten that he's now engaged to yet a 3rd girlfriend and living with her....and that I have a wonderful SO and it is clear that we are happy together and I don't need XWH.)
Okay, that's a brief history.
Our family home had been signed over to me as part of the settlement. I have been paying for everything for months -- mortgages, insurance, you name it. A few days ago I received a letter saying that the property insurance policies (yes, multiple policies) had been cancelled. I knew they had been paid on time so I was very confused. After some research by the insurance broker, we discovered that XWH cancelled the policies! Is it too much to think that the man I was with for over 26 years would have the common courtesy to talk to me about this? Hell no. Why would he do that when he could take this opportunity to try to screw with me....again. The broker is rewriting the policies in my name alone now. It was going to be done at renewal time, but now it has to be done immediately. What a POS.
I went back and checked the calendar try to figure out what prompted him to pull this stunt. A few days before he did this I had filed a motion to get him to sign the proposed judgment that he had been sitting on for 2 months. I want to be done and I need the paperwork to finalize things with the house. As I expected, he cancelled his visit with DD that weekend because he was angry. In backtracking, I found out he also cancelled the insurance policies that weekend. Just another attempt to punish me for what he believes are wrongs that have been done to poor him.
When does this finally end? The settlement is done. The judgment is done. The custody is settled. All of the t's have been crossed and the i's dotted.
Just when I think it's all done he pulls another stunt. Can you think of anything else I should be on the alert for? This is nuts. Wait...HE is nuts.
Mine comes back every now and again to cause problems. I got an email from mone a few minutes ago asking me to settle the CS that I filed. In it he says that he wants to have both parents be a role mondel to the kids and how we need to end this 6 year war. (hmmm we have not even been divorced 3 years and last time I checked I was raising the kids alone so I think I am pretty much doing the whole role modeling thing myself). I am sitting on how to answer it because I want to be seriously pissy.
Is there any way to force an evaluation on an X? Do the courts even consider the children's well-being with a personality disorder like this?
I know the one thing I have been doing to protect my kids is to teach them to stand up for themselves. Giving them the skills to handle someone like a parent with NPD can help them avoid being harmed by these people in the longer term. Helping the children be a healthy emotionally can help them from taking the abuse that they will get dished out. It can be difficult since they have one parent modeling insane behaviour.
I'd love to hear other options or ways to help children with a parent like this. It is difficult for an adult to deal with, I am sure for a child it is far worse.