I have been to the doctor and going back in about a week. My mood seems okay, it is my anxiety that is out of control. Well, my mood is still up and down. Most of the time lately it is okay.
I think the fear of the unknown is the worst for me. The "What if's."
I don't think he will mess with me. When I was in court the judge asked me the name of the person he got the gun from and I told him. That man did a slow drive by my house yesterday.
I keep having flashbacks about what has happened. Still cannot sleep over about 3 hours at a time. Doctor prescribed me a new medication, but it isnt working...We can try something new next visit.
My doctor said I should write a book and go on Oprah. He didn't mean anything bad by that, but it was still upsetting. His exwife should really write the book. From reading her EOP and talking with her, I don't know how she survived with her sanity intact.
Talking to his exwife helped in someways (confirmed he was using the same type of gaslighting and helped me to understand his MO,) but it hurt in others (more scary and disturbing images.)
As far as being believable...I had been gaslighted for months. Plus, whatever he was giving me was making me a little crazy...My blood pressure was up (once 142/110) and all the physical effects. His gaslighting really worked, but like I said, he is an extremely intelligent man and I think people like him are naturally in tune with a person's strengths and weaknesses and they manipulate them to get what they want. Where these people mess up is in their lack of insight. He is extremely charismatic and likable (as an aquaintance told me he is "too" likable, which made him suspicious of him.) He would say things like "If you just get on the right medication" and "You turned the whole neighborhood upside down when you called 911, they all think you are insane and they are afraid to come around" and "Everyone who meets you can tell that you are crazy" and "You have isolated yourself from so many people that no one cares about you but me." (He did similar to his exwife.)
Maybe that is why I am so sensitive about that...Ive been gaslighted. I felt like I was having to explain myself all the time...For instance when he would say I was crazy I would say"How do I manage to keep my job and work 40 to 50 hours a week?" I was always trying to explain to him why I wasn't crazy.
The physical effects of whatever he gave me are gone and I feel much better. I'm eating again. I feel like myself. No more palpitations or muscle twitches.
I haven't told everything in these things I have written. Somethings are just too scary for me to write out at this point.
Thinking about this logically and with some distance, any man who would put his hands on a woman and terrorize her really isn't a man at all. Bullying someone weaker and smaller than you are shows his weakness. When I didn't give in he just kept ratcheting up the pain/intimidation and expected me to react differently. He tried to scare me into not calling the police and I really think he believed he could do that.
His exwife says he can fool people for long, but not for ever. He uses his talent, likeability, intelligence to get his foot in the door, and it has worked with a lot of people.
As far as alarm system, I have motion-sensitive alarms on all the doors and windows. His wife told me that he used to break into houses and I know if he really wants to get to break into this house and hurt me that he can do it....But I also know that he absolutely does not want to back to jail or prison and no matter how much he wants to kill me our hurt me or damage my property he knows that he is the one they will come looking for. They wont believe anyone else did it. I now believe that he has no sense of "ethics" and no sense of "right or wrong." Pain is the only thing that keeps him in line, and prison equals pain.
I am still conflicted about the good and happy times we had. Many of these times seemed real and genuine. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but the bad times (which really just started in the past 3 months) were bad enough for me to want to get out as soon as possible.
I wonder if sociopaths really have a soul at all. I wonder if there is some sort of humanity in there....or do they just "fake" it based on the behaviors of others. I tend to think they just fake it and are intelligent enough to pull it off, but only for so long. People cannot fake it indefinately. I believe the drug use made it more difficult for him to continue to present himself as someone he is not. I think it also contributed to his aggressive and violent behavior. Before he was always consistent, but in the past 3 months he became inconsistent and explosive. He couldn't keep his threats straight...for instance he would threaten to have me fired from my job and then he would say he would never do anything like that.
I'm glad I got out as soon as I did.
Sociopaths are extremely patient manipulators. They court their victims. They find out what their victim wants or respects or needs, and then they become that person. For instance, he knew I want a quiet, peacful, drama-free life, and he would talk constantly in that direction saying that there WILL be peace in the house and there will absolutely be no drama....but yet he starts dealing drugs on my property. How drama free is that?? He offered what I wanted in needed to make me feel good about him, and he was able to keep this facade up for months.
There is a somewhat famous person that he is friends with who came by on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times on the same day. This person made my exSo the offer to go to a particular event that most people in his occupation would jump at, but my exSO turned him down. He didn't turn him down because he didnt want to go....He turned him down because he had gotten to know this man and knew that this man would respect him more if he chose family (me, we had just moved) over going to this event. He knew that there would be more offers in the future and this tactic worked. After this happened he told me why he turned him down, and that this man would be back and would be asked again.
It is a patient manipulation. He is able to do this on levels I think most people would not be able to dream up.
I did this when I moved from an abusive sitch.
I figured he'd be expecting the first one and take it away from me, but he wouldn't be expecting the second one.
Make sure one of them is waterproof so you can carry it in the shower.
Many serial killers are sociopaths.So your fears are valid.
Sociopaths are feaks with a mask on their faces.
What they show the world.
Not the creepy crawly stuff they have inside.
It is very possible he's killed in the past and was never caught.
Look at Ted Bundy and BTK and the GRK.
What we call a soul, sociopaths don't have.
They don't have any empathy, compassion or feelings for anyone.
They just fake it to blend in with humanity.
It is pretty scary.
I don't have the gun yet, a friend is working on it. I've thought about a handgun, but those scare me more. I feel like he could get that away from me easier or that I am more likely to hurt myself with it. I'm a good shot (having just recently taken up shooting at targets) and he knows it. The rifle I want (can't remember the name of it) makes a loud noise that is unmistakable and the man at the pawn shop says if he knows anything about guns he will run if he hears it.
Hopefully, he is just into intimidation of me. Hopefully. His ex wife is still alive, and I repeat that to myself over and over when I start feeling afraid.
I didn't think about it before, but he is very much like Ted Bundy. Very intelligent (scary how intelligent he is) very engaging. People LOVE him. I've seen people fawn over him and I've seen him manipulate that to get what he wants on large and smaller levels.
We have all heard that we cannot understand what a person is going through unless we have walked in their shoes, and HB, I can tell you have walked in my shoes. It is unreal. Surreal.
I have mood and anxiety issues anyway...on top of that I am dealing with a man capable of killing.
When he was choking me and when he knocked me out, strangely, I wasn't afraid of his killing me because I knew he thought he hadn't bled me dry yet.
Now that I have the order of protection, I am afraid. Being afraid for one's own life is strange, isn't it.
When I first posted in New Beginnings I was obviously still on whatever it was he was giving me (I assume meth based on what an ex-cop friend has told me.) I was a nervous wreck, frightened, edgy, in shock, wondering if anyone would believe me (and some didn't.) I have emotionally beaten myself up about this...and supersensitive to any critisism, but as I said above, until you have walked in my shoes, how can you understand? They cannot understand.
My ideas about life, death, and safety are forever changed by this experience. In the past with depression I have felt suicidal. Now as I am faced with the real possibility of death, I want to live.
Emotionally I am up and down (do you do this?) I feel strong, then weak and frightened. Every day I force myself to go for a walk down my road so that I don't become a prisoner in my home.
A week or so ago he came to pick up his dog, and I FORCED myself to go outside (he stayed at the end of the driveway) so that he didn't think I was afraid of him.
I am afraid...yet I'm not. I think about death a lot since this has happened. We never really know when we are going to die. It could be tomorrow, next week, who knows? I have also become obsessed with guns. I am a liberal and was anti-gun before. I am forever changed.
I will send you a PM with the rest of the story.
For some reason talking about all this helps me...just getting it all out, even though I KNOW some people will think I'm nuts and will question my sanity. His exwife didn't think I'm crazy, and neither do you.
ETA: What frightens me most is that he gets to the point where he feels he has nothing left to lose and he kills me. I KNOW he could do it and get away with it. He has probably already considered killing me, but hasn't because of the consequences. I believe he's done it before, but since I have called 911 and the authorities are involved I think he is less likely to do it. He knows how to hide, he knows all that survival stuff. He can fly beneath the radar screen.
I also realize now he was with me to make himself look better. I was part of the image he was trying to present.
[This message edited by Cerise at 4:05 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]
And the victims too:
They say this on the home page:
However, there emerged another pattern that seemed broader and more complex. Many of the victims had been in similar relationships before and repeatedly sought out other sociopaths with whom to be in a relationship. In addition, they were blind to what seemed to be an obvious relationship pattern. It became clear that some victims played a role in the relationship dynamics. Even more interesting, relationships that began as somewhat normal developed into true sociopathic relationships. It was evident that the perpetrators became sociopathic only in the relationship process.
You have a PM.
Speaking of no contact....stbxNH contacted me via text message. Said we needed to talk about settlement.
Since our 90 day waiting period is over we can be divorced as soon as we agree upon a settlement. So okay...I took the bait (after talking with my attorney), and I sent him an email stating we could either set up an appointment with our attorney's or meet without them to keep costs down. His choice...let me know.
He emails back saying he wants to discuss it ourselves and begins asking me questions via email. Um, excuse me, you received my last proposal and as of yet, have not responded to it at all.
So, I send an email back and I tell him that we can set a place and time to meet to talk. Again....let me know.
Ta dah.....no response.
I've not heard a peep outta him. In the meantime, I'm still broke, no job, bills going into collection....and I re-homed one of my fur-babies. I told my attorney I could last another week if I had to, but if nothing happens, we need to go to court. I'm sooo done with his bogus krap and games.
I want to move on with my life and am sick of just sitting here unable to do anything.
Just krap or get off the pot you dillwad!!! grrr!!!!!! I so wish I hadn't of responded to his text or just told him to talk to my attorney. Well, lesson learned. It won't happen again.
I sooo loved my no contact. It's the best thing in world when it comes to these NPD-freaks. I think I'm going to have it engraved on my tombstone...no contact, no contact, no contact. LOL
[This message edited by norah at 9:34 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]
It amazes me how those with personality disorders can complicate life so much and how difficult it is to untangle from them
NC is the only way. It took me a long time with my XH to get that through my head. I expected him to change. One thing I have learned is that you cannot reason with these people, even though you feel you may have been able to reason in the past with them. They seem to be naturally in tune with all your "buttons." They naturally know your weakness and your strenghs and use those to their advantage to stick it to you...And once you are the target, heaven help you.
With my XH it was like an addiction that took me a long time to break. Sometimes I took it hour by hour to maintain NC, but it got easier and easier as time goes by.
At this point my XHs wife will not let him contact me, period. She is just like him....she may be worse than he is.
Detach, detach, detach, which I know is easier said than done.
Interesting how such caring and loving people get involved with people with personality disorders. I wonder why that is?
To me, life should be so much simpler. Talking to them, trying to reason with the unreasonalble will just suck the life right out of you. Their brains just work differently.
Hang in there.
It won't happen again because I intend to email my attorney Monday and let her know he never responded...so, let's just go to court.
Good for you, Norah! I am learning the hard way that the only way to get something out of these freaks is to nail them to the wall.
I think mine had intended on stonewalling me forever, but he made the mistake of being cute about it. He was supposed to turn in all his stuff to his lawyer before court on 8/27 and he didn't, so we couldn't go to court. He kept on complaining about the delay (!) until I finally reminded him that he was the one who didn't have his documentation ready for court. Then he made some snarky comment about how my lawyer had every bit of documentation she was going to get from him. She sent the Motion to Compel last week -- I think he got it this morning, judging by the snarkiness with which he greeted me this morning, ha ha! I haven't stopped smiling just thinking about it.
Try not to sweat it. It's so easy in the beginning to get "baited" into responding to what you HOPE might be a sign of the end of the madness.
We've all been there and it usually just ends up being another carrot.
Stick to the NC. No matter what he says, no matter what he promises. It's likely more lies and more empty promises.
Hang in there.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
from what I'm learning about NPD's....they target people like us. Zero in our on good traits, learn what makes us tick, and then use it against us to whatever benefit they want. They're nothing more than parasites.
Veritas & sad, thanks for your support and understanding. And yes, when he contacted me after all these months saying that we needed to talk, I was ready....more than ready to begin the process. But then again, I should have known better.
I'm so done. Soooooo done.
Well...back to no contact (gladly).
[This message edited by norah at 9:36 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]
This isn't infidelity related, but I'm wondering how many of you guys have grown up in families where there were other NPD's?
I don't think either of my parents were/are NPD's. They were both very young when they married and started a family. (18) My dad is a farmer and my mother has been a stay-at-home-mom. They have been married for almost 50 years. She raised 4 kids, me the oldest, my brother and two little sisters. We were extremely poor when I was growing up. We had very little. I remember when they put an indoor bathroom in our house when I was a little girl. We had an outhouse for awhile. Our roof leaked, the wind would blow and we would have small snow drifts in the house. (not kidding)
Wow! That was a LONG time ago and things have changed. My dad worked very hard and today he is very sucessful. My father has wanted nothing more than the farm to continue with my brother. So today they run a HUGE corporate farming operation.
My sisters and I were held to a very high standard. We were expected to go to college, get good grades, get a job, be responsible, be sucessful, etc. And for the most part we have.
My brother on the other hand, has not been held to the same standards. I feel that my dad wanted him to be a farmer SO BAD that he was not very hard on him for fear that he would move away and not come back, therefor leaving my dad without anyone to help / carry on the farm. The result is my brother is there on the farm with his wife (who is a BITCH) and their 4 very spoiled children) My brother barely gets out of bed and rarely if ever goes to work. My dad works EVERY day (including weekends) and keeps the entire operation running. My brother is on the payroll, but doesn't work. Either does his wife. They have built this huge (look at me type) house on the farm and host all of these stupid fund raisers for everthing from the arts counsel to the local community college.
My dad has been sick maybe 3 times in his entire life. Once was to have complete knee replacement surgery. One would think that my brother would pick up the slack for my dad while he was down with his surgery. But, nope. He packed up his family and they went on a month long vacation!!!!
Nobody can talk to him, not even my dad. If you confront him about his or his wife's selfish behavior that person is faced with a raging, irrational lunatic. Sound familiar?
They HATE me and my two other sisters. They think that they are "high society socialites" and they talk horrible about the rest of our family....even my dad. And nobody wants to do or say anything to them because of how they react.
I hate this. My mom and dad are getting older and they don't need this.
What is wrong with people?
[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:21 PM, October 1st (Thursday)]
I see no shame in using your parents' hospitality to help you get a hand up; I plan on using it myself when we sell the house so that I can go back to school and get a certificate that will help me make money. But once I get my hand up, I am so OUT OF THERE. My brother has been squatting with them for over a decade now.
I have one uncle that is very odd. We have strong ADHD in the family so that can seriously cloud what other issues there are. My uncle is a serious, eccentric bachelor. My father does have some NPD traits but works his butt off giving to others. He just has a really hard time with the whole emotions, social cues, empathy. He is definitally ADHD.
My ex's family have some seriously dysfunction family members. There are atleast a few that tend towards the NPD. I think that is why his abandoment of his family and his selfish, antisocial behaviour and abusive behaviour was totally acceptable to them.
For me all has been quiet. I have court the end of the month so I am sure there will be bumps ahead.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I grew up with a sadistic NPD/P stepfather which is part of my FOO issues and probably what primed me for adult relationships with NPD's. (yay me! LOL) I also have an HPD/NPD sister whose has a sociopath son. Then I have an NPD stepdaughter raised by NPD mom and stbxH.
It's been a blast being surrounded by these N freaks. My N stepdad is no longer alive, HPD/NPD sister and her son were banished from my life about 5 years ago. Divorcing stbxH N which means NPD stepdaughter will be out of my life too. I intend to spend the rest of my life N free...living as quiet as a life as I can due to being left with PTSD issues.
On a good note....I finally found a job. I started a little over a week ago and it's kicking my butt. It's min. wage, and dirty, hard work, but I'm no longer at the mercy of stbxH financially.
LOL...supposedly stbxH lost his job a few days ago. LOL What a douche. He's been spending thousands of dollars every month for the last 6 months, left me destitute, no money for food or meds, stopped paying utilites, stopped paying my medical bills from 7 months ago which are now going into collections, and he has a nerve to send me a text telling me he lost his job so "the free ride is over".
Can't wait to be finally done with this loser. With all the money he made these last 6-7 months we could have had everything paid off, no debts whatsover, and had money to do repairs on the house and had it sold already. But nooooo....he went on mass spending sprees every month, living the single life and letting our financial responsibilities go to shite.
Heck, he'll get more in unemployment than I'll earn a month and he's whining to me about how screwed he is? Idiot. Always..."all about him", eh?
[This message edited by norah at 1:07 AM, October 4th (Sunday)]
I can't take this.
I need support, but it hurts so much to face the pain enough to write...that's why I'm not here.