I am speaking from my own experience here. I gave my ex more than 1/2 of everything. He took pretty much only the good stuff when he left and intentionally damaged many of my things in his move. Of course he tried to go after even more later because as far as he was concerned he had worked and support me while I care for the children so nothing we had was mine. It was all his. (funny the courts didn't see it that way at all )
You have to work on detaching yourself from him. His thinking is totally screwed. He thinks only of himself and what he wants RIGHT NOW. They are truely incapable of really feeling what others feel. On occasion they can grasp it in small amounts but now in a way that you or I could understand. They feel this intense pain and when anyone stops them from doing what they want they feel this need to make others feel their pain. They want to destroy anyone who would dare to get in their way.
Also if at all possible don't be alone with him now. You are the most vulnerable once you have left and will continue to be for a while. Some of these people can really be vendicitve and violent so you have to protect yourself in any way you can.
Get yourself an IC and make sure you have some trusted friends and family know what is going on. In all likelyhood you have tried to keep what has been happening to you a secret because it is almost to bizzarre for words. You have to end the silence and do it with the truth of what has been going on.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
We have been told by the courts to mediate. He didn't show for mediation last week and since this all started he has had little contact with the kids because he involved them in the whole thing and they are pissed with him.
The other night I get an email with him telling me when he is going to see the kids I figure he had to be trying to deal with the mediation because he would not try and see the kids while attempting to rob them of their support (the kids see it as their support)
I so wish he would just fall off the face of the earth.
[This message edited by lied2 at 7:50 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]
I understand the need to hurt..but how can you be so STUPID? like DS refuses to talk to him...he is only 3...i have called for past 4 days in morning..to get DS to talk to his dad...but he refuses. my WS blames ME...saying how i have separated both of them...and God will punish me ...one day i will be separated as well from him and will go through same hurt...and what not...its completely INSANE !!!!!!!!
i am saving all the emails...he is not even thinking tha ti am collecting his hate emails...as evidence..i have been nothing but nice and polite to him...which is also documented...
i just dont get it....
Heck..it assures me i made the RIGHT decision to walk out...
arrghhhhh...NPDS are another set of species...
My ex is really working on alienating the kids. He has had a number of conversations with them whining to them about how he has to pay soo much in support (apparently 1/2 his income....I wish ) etc. It is causing all kinds of behaviour problems here because they know on one level he is liar but want/wish he was something other than who he is. It is so hardbreaking to deal with and of course since I the safe one I get the brunt of it.
I got to thinking about the last R attempt after I came across old texts from him on my cell. He could not stand that I didn't need him, I was too stable.
Covering emotional abuse stuff in IC. Eyeopening to say the least. Reading up on damage done by borderlines as well.
Yes, they do lie and fool MCs. I would say if he's "bored with the R process" after only 9 days, he is NOT in this for the long haul.
After the first time he cheated and then came back, what made you think he had changed his ways? Why did you get back together with him?
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's a difficult discovery but I'm sure you are finding that this has answered many questions. My advice to you would be to stick to the 180 and get him out of the house ASAP. Get going with the divorce (if that is where you are heading) and don't look back.
Glad things are going better! Wow, he didn't show up? What a shock...
Wooo!! Hoooo!! So happy for you.
Good to see you.
No. If he is NPD, he will not feel any guilt over anything. And I don't believe they can ever really be happy either. They complain non-stop about you and threaten to go find someone else more "wonderful" or whatever....but that won't last either. Why? Because an NPD lacks all basic human emotions. They are an empty shell. They don't "feel" anything besides maybe rage. And even that I'm not sure they actually "feel." I think it's more of a tool they use to manipulate others around them. The NPD rants and rages just to watch the people in their lives run around like rats doing exactly what they want.
Also, I agree with the others. Don't leave anything behind. Take everything that belongs to you. If it reminds you of him, sell it. If you're worried that he's going to "bitch" about you taking something....trust me on this, he will bitch about anything you take! It could be the smallest thing that you had prior to even knowing him...he will still bitch. Take what's yours.
Being a control freak is hallmark to the NPD.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
[This message edited by fallenangel02 at 7:55 PM, November 28th (Saturday)]
He really makes me feel like I am crazy. On one hand he verbally abuses me but then after I kicked him out he begs to come back - if I am such a bad person why want to come back?
I can now see that the writing was on the wall almost 2 years ago when I found out about his EA - when confronted all he did was yell at me about what a bad wife I was and that I didn't have sex enough etc- no remorse or personal responsibility at all and of this while I was 39 weeks pregnant.
I should've run like the wind back then and never looked back!
I think the (real-life) difference between BPD and NPD is that generally most men are diagnosed NPD and most women are diagnosed as BPD. Many of the behaviors are the same, and many NPD's do a lot of begging and pleading and crying before the narcissistic rage takes over.
[This message edited by veritas at 4:29 PM, November 30th (Monday)]
This book is just FABULOUS! (regardless of dorky title)...so much about brain chemistry & NPD AND BORDERLINE Personality disorder...the author is just BRILLIANT! I cannot recommend this book ENOUGH...hope this whole thread can read it! Just Wow!
Most of these disorders are comorbid w/ other disorders...and this book talks about MANY of them...
Hope that helps...MY WH is a SA & has AD/HD & some mix of NPD/*BORDERLINE PD/Anti-Social PD/Bi-polar...he still needs to get a formal diagnosis...(plus he had a very abusive childhood)...
he actually answered the ?'s in the book about Borderline PD & said he fit EVERY one...scares the shet outta both of us...
EVIL GENES: Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed, & My sister Stole My Mother's Boyfriend
[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 12:50 AM, December 10th (Thursday)]
The antics of my ex can be read at D/S... they are all crazy and silly, but when done to and in front of my son, and when its just constant and continuous... it takes its toll.
Court is end of Jan. It can't come soon enough - yet at the same time - I'm scared to death... he lies and manipulates so much that the *unknown* of that has me petrified. Of course, that's what he's counting on... me being afraid... hence the threats and intimidation over several years... to make sure I never did this - and now that I have, to make sure I *pay*
I want my life back. The happy one I now have a chance at having with my new husband and my children. I have it... I just can't enjoy it because this one person is determined that I won't.
He is very good looking and charming. He doesn't work or doesn't keep a job long and sponges off of people. He has been collecting unemployment for a year now, because he is a union member but he only worked for about 3 months for them. We have a DD 18 mo. He has a DD3, who now lives 1000's of miles away with her mother, who I now don't think is as bad as he says.
He lies constantly about things big and small. He will stand by his lie even when he knows he is caught. When I caught him with OW#2 in her car, he actually looked over at me and smiled, then proceeded to lie about who she was.
He is an alcoholic, sober now for about 40 days. Of course OW#2 is from AA, and I heard through the grapevine that he is bragging to people about all the women in AA he is banging. I think AA is the motherload of potential targets.
He is not violent towards me or DD's. I actually hit him in the face one time. I know it was wrong. He scared the crap out of me that night, he held me up against the wall and punched a hole right next to my head. But that is the only physical aggression he has shown toward me.
He avoids any and all problems and responsibilities. He would usually take off when we had an argument. He moved here from across the country about 6 years ago with nothing. He left his car and everything else behind. He was a heroin addict but he has not used since he got here (to my knowledge). I know he wasn't using regularly since we have been together because there is no way to hide that. There was also never any money missing, but I know he can get money from people.
He started staying gone longer and longer. We were living an hour away from all of our family and friends in a tiny little town, rent free because my grandparents own the house and it was empty for over ten years. We moved there shortly after DD was born. At first he would stay gone overnight and not call sometimes, he would always say he got drunk and passed out. I'm sure he was drunk. Then he started disappearing for two days, then three the next week. I would be left there with no money, no car, no phone or internet, and I didn't know anyone there. He thought it was ok for DD to not have milk for two days, right when she got off formula, just because he didn't "feel like coming home". I had to walk 2 miles to the gas station more than once with nickles and dimes to buy milk for her.
He left for OW#1, came back, I though we were R'd. DSD's mom moved and left her here with him for three months before she came back to get her. Literally the same day DSD went with her mom, he didn't come home for 3 days. He left again for OW#1 (broke up with me over the phone) and I moved back in with my parents.
We owe my gp's money for utility bills still. He doesn't care. I was a SAHM and just this week got a minimum wage job, so now I can pay them off. I also have to fix the hole he punched in the wall and his junker car is still parked there. It's still in my name, but I signed the title, so it will cost me if they have it towed. He didn't even pack his own shit. I threw it all in his car.
He shows absolutely no jealousy. He would always try to get me to sleep with his friends. We had threesomes. He would encourage me to make out with his friends and I would let him make out with other girls. I used to be a really jealous person but I never felt that way with him. It didn't bother me. May be TMI, but he has some extreme sexual quirks. He likes to be punched and choked, he likes to watch and be watched, he likes to be rough. He has an insatiable sexual appetite.
His family is whacked. His dad is just like him, only he beat the crap out of his wife and kids all the time. He just quit drinking too, they go to AA together, and probably pick up women together. He also served 9 years in prison when ex was a teenager. His mom used to be a meth addict, but she is clean now and doesn't even drink often. She goes from place to place and man to man. Currently she is living with ex. He just got a trailer, he has never had his own place before. But I think he has OW#2 primed to support him pretty soon, she already bought him a phone and who knows what else Both of his parents have lied to me to cover for him regarding other women and who knows what else. His brother (I'll call him A) and I are actually very close. A does not like ex. Of course ex blames me for that and tells me not to talk to A anymore. A sees ex for what he is so of course ex can't stand that.
He pretends to be super dad. He finds a way for everything to be my fault. He actually told me after the last (and final dammit!) DDay that if I loved him I would just let him make his own mistakes (regardin other women, lies, etc.) So in other words, not call him on his shit. It literally makes me physically ill to be in his presence the past few days. I actually started to have sex with him a few days ago, and I stopped in the middle and left. I just couldn't do it. Of couse he has been nasty to me since then when I saw him to PU/DO DD.
I am determined not to fall back into him again. I know it's only a matter of time before he tries to get me to come back. He can't stand being alone, even for a short amount of time. He always wants people around.
Sorry for the book. If you are still reading I appreciate it, it feels good to let it out. What do you guys think I am dealing with? I think he is a sociopath, but then I second guess myself and think oh he's not that bad. Uggg. I am scared for my DD. I hope he just moves away.
I think he is a sociopath, but then I second guess myself and think oh he's not that bad.
The absolute worst thing about dealing with an NPD is that you can never, ever forget that you're dealing with a sociopath. Ever. Not ever. If you ever try to act like decent people, ESPECIALLY if what you're doing benefits you, count on the fact that you will be screwed.
I found out tonight that our daughter had not had a private PT session since 11/4! He rescheduled her 11/18 appointment for 12/9, then neglected to take her to the appointment, but still picked her up and dropped her off at the usual time. I only found out because they made him reschedule 2 visits this week and he scheduled her appointment for Monday, when she also gets PT at school, which is double dipping. He claims that his schmancy iPhone dropped her from the calendar, but I think he just didn't want to go and played hooky from both work and the appointment.
Word to the wise? Follow everything to the letter. Never leave anyone, not even your ace boon coon, to pick up and/or drop off your child; do it yourself if that's what the agreement says. By the same token, never offer to do anything beyond what the agreement says, unless it's to take your kids for more hours. Always check in to make sure that they make it to appointments.
Go NC with him the best you can and get something legally binding in terms of custody and support if possible. Don't let him or one of his troop have your child until you have full custody. Some of them will get seriously pissed when the know you are leaving and you and your child will be a serious damger. They have a tendancy to use the childre to get back at us for daring to leave them.
I had mediation on friday. We made some progress but with nothing signed it might be for nothing. We go back this friday to see if we can settle it. He is trying to tell me that he is making quite a bit less than his paystub up to the begining of Oct shows from the court papers he filed. I don't buy it at all. The mediator told him to bring his most recent paystub for next time and he told her he wouldn't. I emailed him and told him he could either present it next time at mediation or he can present it for the courts in January, his choice. I won't take his word for it. The figures make no sense based on what I saw on paper so far.
It was funny because the mediator says to me "he really is not that smart". The thing is I know he is very smart. He has a high IQ so either he is doing a seriously good job playing the mediator or he is really having some serious effects for the seizure he had and the ongoing seizure mediation he is on. Thank God I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis. I would have a nervious breakdown dealing with someone as retarted as he makes himself out to be.
Some of these people are so messed up it is mindblowing. I am so grateful to have him out of my life for the most part. I can only imagine what kind of damage he would have done to my kids has we stayed together these past years.
How do you guys handle the fact that the abuse never stops???
I try and stay away from him as much as possible. My kids are in counceling and so am I and we are slowly healing and thus better able to deal with the abuse when it comes along.
I think that the only way to be able to handle the abuse is to be as healthy as possible so that you can see the abuse for what it is and get away from it or at the very least minimize it. I know that I am now better able to identify when the abuse is likely to happen and then avoid the possible situation (ie I know he is more like to be abusive on the phone so I have as much of the communication as possible via email.