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User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB2 how are you doing? Hope things are quiet for you and your kiddos.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied -- Thanks for checking up on us. I am enjoying the peace that the TRO has provided. The kids are getting the usual NPD crap. He actually instructed the kids that they "need to text message with him when it's not his weekend - just like you do with your mom on my weekends." Idiot -- as if he can command them to love him and pay attention to him.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idiot -- as if he can command them to love him and pay attention to him.

It's like you can just hear them say "I am NPD, hear me roar,Obey my every whim..."


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I clearly remember my ex once saying to my oldest "if you don't obey me I won't ever spend time with you".

They just can't understand that people are not puppets that can be made to dance their tune.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They just can't understand that people are not puppets that can be made to dance their tune.

No shit. Earlier this week, Dickhead invites the kids over to spend the night, then retracts it, saying that he doesn't have enough money for groceries to feed the kids. He keeps repeating it, so I figure this is his new cover story. Whatever. So he offers to cook breakfast for the kids. Fine. Saturday, I bring the kids over. He doesn't begin cooking until after we get there. So we're pretty much sitting around doing nothing.

I spy a box of DVD's from the Charmed series. Charmed? Really? From Mr. Fantasy-Is-Stupid? But of course, they've got a woman's name written on them! That would explain why he has them -- and also why they are just sitting there in the living room. I also spy a box of DVD's that he took from the house, which we didn't go through together, nor did he actually go to the store and buy any of these. So as I sit there getting hot, he comes over and tells me that they weren't open. I point out that I've barely looked through them and there are several sticking up above the top of the box. His snotty comeback?

"I know I closed that box. I had children over and that box has some adult stuff in it."

Really? You had children over even though you have no groceries and can't have your own children over? Really, O Father of the Year?

Now he did give me my check in private. And while his PA dragging out of the visit was annoying, it wasn't fatal. He also proved that he wasn't interested in taking care of Lola without the boys there to help, but I knew that already. Whatever, FOTY.

No, it was his performance as we were leaving that pissed me off. The minute we all get into his presence to say good-bye, he says, "I'm calling the mortgage company Monday to rearrange payments. Something's gotta give. Since you don't want to sell the house--"

"I'd be happy to discuss selling the house. Just not this minute."

"Well, I never see you and this is my only chance to discuss this."

This is 2010, motherfucker. We can email and we can text. This is your last stupid attempt at control, but guess what? You just lost. Because I'm outta here.

Today, I get a birthday collage from him. The song? "If it isn't love" by New Edition, a break up, I-want-you-back song. Really? No "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant? No "You Are The Sunshine of my Life" by Stevie Wonder? Anything else that might be mildly appropriate? Um, no. Because we aren't his audience. The stupid crackheads who think that he's such an awesome dad even though he never sees his kids (naturally, due to the evil-heifer-bitch known as yours truly) are clearly his audience, because only they would be touched by that song.

And he wouldn't have shown it to me if it didn't have a special passive-aggressive touch. There's actually a picture of me by myself in it. I've got my mouth open ready to devour a piece of chicken wing; I look like a raptor. Just lovely.

He asked me if I had any pictures that I wanted to add to it. Oh, how I wished that I had been quicker with the camera when I spotted him feeding some other little girl's machine, giggling with her mother, while Lola ran around in a circle looking lost. Bastard. You do that to your child at her own party AND you use her as a photo op to get women afterwards? And you want me to praise it? Really? Are you pretending, really that delusional, or do you think that I am?


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretending, since ...how can I say this exactly? I dunno... since they watch 'real' from very narrowed, evil-infected minds, and become pretty good at imitating real emotions which do not exist within them,
and
Really that delusional. Bofem!

(due to the fantasy they construct, to medicate themselves)

He thinks that you are delusional too I bet, not only because the projection machine's light is so bright, the show must go on doncha know!

We got us a trifecta folks!


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, March 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I hope everyone is ok. Life is ok at them moment but getting ready for an eruption from the freak. Still living in the shadow (only at times now rather than all of the time )even three years later. Is the escape from them only limited?

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
WantToSmileAgain
♀ Member
Member # 25786
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are the traits of someone who is NPD???

I'm trying to figure out my stbxwh. Everything is always about him, him, him, him, him. He has to be the center of attention at all times, he's mister know it all, he knows everything on every subject (when in actuality he doesn't know squat), he needs constant attention, constant praise, if he cooked dinner he would ask over and over and over again if dinner was good when we all have thanked him for a wonderful dinner and how delicious it was, he believes he's the best at everything, he's constantly making sexual remarks on his member and how big he is, he lies about everything and anything...my daughter got married and went to the DMV to have her name changed my stbxwh told everyone that she lost her license and failed the test so her license was revoked. What the hell????!!! He goes on and on and on about how he had to dig out of the snow, ummmm, everyone had to dig out of the snow including me and then he got pissed at me because I didn't dig his car out that he left here at the house (he took the jeep so he could get around in the snow). I feel like I'm going nuts! He tells me that I'm paranoid and jealous...ummm, no, he's proven over and over again that he can't remain faithful. Now he's stalling on putting together a settlement agreement to get the divorce process rolling. He's out living his life doing whatever he wants to "make himself happy" those are his exact words. He's still screwing around and going out with the OW, but yet, doesn't want to discuss a separation or divorce. He's also a hypocondriac (sp?). Whenever he knows someone that has been ill or health problems he has the exact same thing or worse. My brother is in the Navy and during his pt test he turned very gray. They rushed him up to the hospital...thankfully everything is ok, but he has a birth defect in his heart that no one ever knew before. Well, my husband called on St. Patty's day to tell me he's in the ER possibly having a stroke (he's 39) and has me down as his emergency contact and wanted to give me a heads up the hospital may call me. I went up there to see if he was telling the truth, they had him in an MRI when I got there, talked to the doc, his ekg and mri all show everything absolutely normal and healthy except that his blood pressure was sky high...he's always had high blood pressure, but the docs have never felt the need to put him on medicine for it. Why in the world would he have me as his emergency contact when he's with another woman??? Why take on my brother's health issues as his own. Another thing comes to mind...he was in Iraq for 9 months in the 1st cav band...band member. He talked about how they were ambushed, he had to fight an iraqi, how he lost his hearing and on and on and on he goes of how his life was in constant danger every day. Well, after speaking with other members of the 1st cav band they were never even near a fire fight, never encountered anything even remotely dangerous...that the most danger they ever saw was eating in the mess hall. What is it with him??? I could go on and on with different scenarious through the years. Help??


D-Day 8/15/09
WH Moved Out 1/21/10
Legally Separated 7/6/10
Property Settlement Agreement Signed 3/10/11
Divorce Finalized 4/6/11 WooHoo!
Time to celebrate!

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Virginia
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the website www.narcissism101.com

DSM IV definition: Someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of the following characteristics:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Here are some more signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder to look out for:

* Jealousy and possessiveness
* Excessive need to feel special, adored, loved, appreciated, or admired
* Rage attacks when you do not sufficiently meet his/her needs
* Controlling behaviors (trying to control how you spend your time, who you talk to, how you dress, etc.)
* Inflated self-esteem, or grandiosity (bragging, "fishing" for compliments)
* Dramatic, insecure behaviors
* Expecting you to take responsibility for making him/her feel better about him/herself
* Blaming you for behaviors or feelings (i.e., "YOU made me do this," or "YOU made me feel this way.")
* Not taking responsibility for angry behavior and justifying angry outbursts
* An attitude that demonstrates "the world revolves around me" and "you need to cater to my ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings."
* An unwillingness to reflect on his/her own behaviors


I sometimes think a narcissist is someone who is not human, but who looks human and acts human, an alien from outer-space, or a spoiled child, or a crazy person (crazy like a fox). Some alien race has snatched the humanity from the narcissist, leaving an empty husk that tries its best to act human. If you make the mistake of thinking they are normal human beings then you will remain their victim. Psychopaths are more dangerous but not as insidious as a narcissist.

*******************************************

Around here, we just kinda say, "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck..." Yeah. If you've made it to this thread, odds are you're dealing with someone who is high up on the N scale. Read up on NPD out on the net. You will get the chills as you read your story over and over.

(((((WanttoSmileAgain))))) and ((((Tribe))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
WantToSmileAgain
♀ Member
Member # 25786
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are definitely descriptions of my stbxwh!


D-Day 8/15/09
WH Moved Out 1/21/10
Legally Separated 7/6/10
Property Settlement Agreement Signed 3/10/11
Divorce Finalized 4/6/11 WooHoo!
Time to celebrate!

Posts: 2291 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Virginia
Hurt Terp
♀ Member
Member # 26255
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! I am new to this thread. I am here because I started IC and my therapist is telling me that my WH seems to have NPD and SA.

I've read up on NPD on the web and a lot of it fits -- multiple affairs, need for spotlight, major scars from childhood, treats me like a princess after each affair and then slides back into bad behavior within a year, tells me I am jealous and controlling if I suspect he is doing anything wrong (my intuition has been right most of the time -- I was wrong once and have not heard the end of it), he sees women as objects or having "magical" powers, he doesn't want to leave me but he wants the OW's attention, he admits to being a chameleon . . . I could go on.

My IC is telling me that I must make sure that I set clear boundaries in the marriage and ensure WH understands. My IC tells me that there have been no real repercussions (other than me getting upset and ranting) for the past affairs. IC encouraged me to talk to WH and let him know that if I found out about any affairs he has not "fessed" up to or if there were new affairs, I would leave -- I don't want to leave, but I will.

This did not go over well with WH. He is in IC (since last affair was revealed) and has been trying to sort out childhood issues. He threatened to quit -- He said, "Nothing I ever do will be good enough for you. You will just pound on me and treat me like a bad child. How about if I just give in and do exactly like you want and apologize for things I didn't do wrong, so we can go on with our lives?"

WH is afraid that my IC is "putting" ideas in my head. I am being brainwashed.

I don't think IC's advice was bad -- it seems logical -- doesn't it?

I am starting to doubt myself --- Maybe I am wrong, maybe he is trying hard and I am too stuck on the affair issue . . .

Any thoughts out there on how to deal with this situation. Any ideas on if I should have handled this differently?


BS - Me
WH - Him
M - 25 years

Too much to take in!!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Lost
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Terp -- welcome here too!

This statement from your WH is very interesting and quite telling:

He said "Nothing I ever do will be good enough for you. You will just pound on me and treat me like a bad child. How about if I just give in and do exactly like you want and apologize for things I didn't do wrong, so we can go on with our lives?"

They are always the victim. "Things he didn't do"...right. They are emotionally stunted. Doesn't his statement seem like something a 12 year-old would say?

The NPDs are projection machines -- Reverse all the "I's" and "you's" in his statement and see if it doesn't ring more true.

WH is afraid that my IC is "putting" ideas in my head.

They are typically against psychiatric treatments - being the avoiders of truth that they are. I'm shocked that you got your WH into IC at all!

I don't think IC's advice was bad -- it seems logical -- doesn't it?

Yes. Trust your IC and trust your gut. The N is a master manipulator, a skilled actor and a tremendous liar.

I am starting to doubt myself --- Maybe I am wrong, maybe he is trying hard and I am too stuck on the affair issue . . .

This is how the N operates. They work to keep you off balance. They are expert gaslighters. I would say that all victims of Ns would say that they began doubting themselves -- even their own sanity. You are not the crazy one!

About the NPD/SA combo: SA and/or sexual obsessions are common with the NPDs. Some of them use sex as a weapon or a way to gain control. They do view women/others as objects. Sexual abuse of their partners/spouses seems like a common thread running through many of our stories.

The Ns have no ability to understand their own emotions much less the emotions of others. They cannot see things from another's perspective. They are really devoid of true human emotion. Most mental health care providers would probably tell you that there is little hope of fixing this kind of broken.

For you to stay in this marriage, you do need to have absolutely firm boundaries, and you have to follow through with consequences if he violates your boundaries. Continue in IC. Learn all you can about NPD and SA both. Know that you are not crazy, and all of this is not your fault. The N is a truly broken and hollow individual. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

((((terp))))

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 1:26 PM, March 21st (Sunday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Terp I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I totally agree with the setting boundaries but I know with my ex when I did that it just drove him to hide thing better. He would 'change' for a bit but it was all a lie. He just would try and appease me. With him I am a total 'hardass' about things because of this and he could never get why I acted like I did with him. His actions slowly killed what feelings I had for him, well other than hate and pity.

Definitally continue in IC. It might be wise to consider what you are getting out of the marriage because it is unlikely that you will be able to stay married to someone like that for years and continue with the same cycles. At some point most people get to the place where they are tired of putting themselves last to accomodate an emotionally stunted jerk who plays games with you life all for fun. Living with someone like this is nothing short of abuse It kills you slowly and painfully.Heck I am far happier alone that I ever way with my ex once I finally faced that the monster I saw was the real person and the 'good guy' he played was just in my imagination and someone I wished he would be.

He said "Nothing I ever do will be good enough for you. You will just pound on me and treat me like a bad child. How about if I just give in and do exactly like you want and apologize for things I didn't do wrong, so we can go on with our lives?"

My ex spewed crap like that too. It is just a ploy to keep from really facing what they have done and the real person they are.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Hurt Terp
♀ Member
Member # 26255
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 21st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Woundedby2 and Lied2 for your replies.

Thank you for making me feel that I am not crazy.

I have been married to this man for 25 years . . the last 15 years has been a roller coaster -- Okay the last 21 years has been a roller coaster.

He was my Knight in Shining Amour -- treated with with such care amd love -- then it stopped abruptly when our daughter (who he desperately wanted) was born. The affairs I know about started when she was 5 years old and the pain was worse than I could have ever imagined.

Why did I marry him? He has all the good qualities (and I think the bad ones too) of my father -- my IC is saying my father had NPD, too.

I did the 180 on WH and it changed the way he treated me -- he dropped the last OW, entered IC and sometimes listens to me. I had hope . . until I started setting boundaries. Things have reversed, then reversed, then reversed again.

I am convinced that he has charmed his IC into believing his lies and sincerity. He plays the "abused child" to its hilt and shrugs off the real work of digging thru his childhood issues at every point. This is his third time in therapy.

I truely love this man, but I am frustrated and thinking of separating before I fold again and let him start to treat me poorly.

I would appreciate any advise on how each of you knew when it was time to "give up." any regrets?



BS - Me
WH - Him
M - 25 years

Too much to take in!!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Lost
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for me it took leaving 3 times, years of councelling for all of use and then the psychiatrist said to me one day "he is never going to get better. You need to leave for your sake and the sake of the kids", then him cheating and abusing the kids and exposing them to his porn addiction, then me finally facing that if I didn't leave the marriage was going to literally kill me slowly. (Ya I am a slow learner sometimes)

I know that at one point I decided to imagine what life would be like divorced from him and to be free. I knew at that point I had to get out of the marriage because it was only while thinking about really being free of him that I had some peace. The minute I went back and thought about spending the rest of my life with him I felt like I was dying (I had a panic attack, the whole works).

The only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.


I was reading someone else's post about NPD and they said

narcissists pair up best and longest with borderlines

That is it. I think that is why he picked the wifetress, because she is disordered just like him. <shudder>


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
wildlilacs
♀ New Member
Member # 26926
Content  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt Terp,

I knew it was time to give up when I realized that I never knew, and never WOULD know when he was lying, and when he was telling the truth, and furthermore, I no longer really cared. Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue,asthma,arthritis, GERD and IBS and HTN have all improved since I split with the N. Even with the resulting financial stress, I have no regrets. Getting out of that hall of mirrors is the best thing that's happened to me since before I married into it.
(((( hugs))))


You are what you do, not what you say you will do. C.Jung

I am currently unavailable to accept your projections. Please try again when hell freezes over.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: State of Perpetual Confusion
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am currently unavailable to accept your projections. Please try again when hell freezes over.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, i'm joining this group as it really is where I need to be.

I have to pat my NDH(yes, dick head) on the back, the moment he had me in his sights as his SNS, I didn't stand a chance. FOO issues of abandonment was what drove me to seek out someone to 'break the cycle' of abandonment. Instead, I picked someone who continually abandoned me at every whim. Besides the multiple infidelities, I have to say the thing that still hurts me almost as much is when I had to have gallbladder surgery. I had to take myself to the hospital and take a cab home. He never once showed up at the hospital - I was all on my own.

It has taken me almost 6 years since dday to not feel paralized. I know that sounds so crazy but I have been wandering aimlessly, still being co-dependent and his PNS all this time.

I am happy to report, my prison sentense is almost over our DD's will be married a month apart. Our oldest DS is in the Army and doing very well. The only one I have left is youngest DS and he's not that young. He is showing all signs of his N father, but I can't do anything about that.

I will only be here every 4 days as he tends to 'freak' out if he sees me on here. I don't want to cause an injurious episode to his psyche.

I have to say that this is the longest he's had on this particular mask, the one he wears to convince me i'm the love of his life (even though everything points to just the oposite). I'm just not buying it any longer.

I do love him, just not blindly. He's not the KISA and i'm not a princess, nor will I continue to be his victim.

Sorry it's so long, but I've stuffed so much down. I hope to talk with others.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Itsabattle! Good to hear from you. Glad to hear that thing are going ok for you. Hang in there on the "freak eruption" that might be coming....I'm sure with all your experience, you'll handle things just fine.

Welcome Hurt Terp,
Like the others have said, the poor NPD is always the victim.

...he tells me I am jealous and controlling if I suspect he is doing anything wrong (my intuition has been right most of the time -- I was wrong once and have not heard the end of it.

Hmm....YOU'RE jealous and controlling? It's more likely that he's the one who's controlling. >>Sigh<< This is such typical behavior of the NPD. They REFUSE to take resposibility for ANYTHING they do. It's never their fault and ALWAYS someone else's fault. There's always some "childhood trauma" or "abuse" that is never really addressed. (frankly, I don't believe there was any abuse in most cases, only a spoiled brat that didn't get their way all the time) And see, his reaction to your VERY NORMAL response to his BAD BEHAVIOR which is to strike out at you. He doesn't GET that what you are doing is a NATURAL CONSEQUENSE to his bad behavior. But since he was never taught that and was most likely a very spoiled child who never learned how to accept responsibility or that there are consequences for doing bad things, he just plows through life threatening, bullying, manipulating, blameshifting, rewriting history, and gaslighting.

...he sees women as objects or having "magical" powers, he doesn't want to leave me but he wants the OW's attention, he admits to being a chameleon . . . I could go on.

Oh so typical. Of course he doesn't want to leave you. As long as he can have his cake and eat it too, why not?

My IC is telling me that I must make sure that I set clear boundaries in the marriage and ensure WH understands. My IC tells me that there have been no real repercussions (other than me getting upset and ranting) for the past affairs. IC encouraged me to talk to WH and let him know that if I found out about any affairs he has not "fessed" up to or if there were new affairs, I would leave -- I don't want to leave, but I will.

I think this is good advice. You MUST install very firm boundaries with NPD. But the most important thing about the boundaries is the ability to back them up. If you told him that if he does ________ again and you will leave, you have to do it. Otherwise he will just view you as a pushover.

This did not go over well with WH. He is in IC (since last affair was revealed) and has been trying to sort out childhood issues. He threatened to quit -- He said, "Nothing I ever do will be good enough for you. You will just pound on me and treat me like a bad child. How about if I just give in and do exactly like you want and apologize for things I didn't do wrong, so we can go on with our lives?"

Again, not a big surprise. Like someone else said, I can't believe you even got him to go in the first place. But also watch out for his ability to schmooze his therapist. And the fact that he is going, he will likely expect a medal or more.

I think you are handling this situation just fine. Don't let him turn this around and make you think anything different. Yeah, you might be being brainwashed, but not by your therapist. By your husband! Don't get too caught up in his words. He's NOT trying all that hard. Right now, he's just doing what he thinks you want him to. He's just buying time so things settle down. Then he will revert back, eventually.

I've got to be honest with you. It's going to be difficult for you to see any REAL change with someone like this. He doesn't really see that he has done anything wrong. He's only getting "help" because you want him to and because of these "childhood" issures. It doesn't sound to me that he is owning anything. He doing lots of blaming, justifying and rationalizing.

He was my Knight in Shining Amour -- treated with with such care amd love -- then it stopped abruptly when our daughter (who he desperately wanted) was born.

This is interesting. Usually with NPD's in the beginning of a relationship they are amazingly attentive. They make the object of their affection (us) feel like the only woman in the world. We feel SO SPECIAL!! The NPD views his mate as special (like him) and perfect in every way. But something eventually happens that knocks the spouse off that "special perfect status." It's bound to happen as nobody is perfect. But for the NPD, this is a SEVERE blow. They seem to take it personally and once you fall from grace, things are never the same again.

It can be anything. In my situation, I'm not even sure what it was. He just flipped out on me one day and the next thing I knew he was cheating. In your case, maybe it was the pregnancy or the birth of your daughter. Maybe he had some weird views about that whole thing. You know NPD's are really screwed up in the sex department too.

I am convinced that he has charmed his IC into believing his lies and sincerity. He plays the "abused child" to its hilt and shrugs off the real work of digging thru his childhood issues at every point. This is his third time in therapy.

This is exactly what I was talking about.

I truely love this man, but I am frustrated and thinking of separating before I fold again and let him start to treat me poorly.

Don't get caught up in or mixed up with who you thought you fell in love with in the beginning and the strange alien man you are living with now. One of the common things that seem to go on with the spouses of NPD's is that they are on the constant search for the "original" person they fell in love with. "Why can't things be like they were in the beginning?" We married who we fell in love with and then suddenly we're living with this moody, angry, drama causing, cheating, lying misery loving idiot who we barey recognize. We almost go mad trying to find the original man we married.

The hard truth is that the REAL man is this crazy guy. The fake was the great guy.

You hang in there. We'll be here for support.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:16 PM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, March 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was my Knight in Shining Amour -- treated with with such care amd love -- then it stopped abruptly when our daughter (who he desperately wanted) was born.

This is interesting. Usually with NPD's in the beginning of a relationship they are amazingly attentive. They make the object of their affection (us) feel like the only woman in the world. We feel SO SPECIAL!! The NPD views his mate as special (like him) and perfect in every way. But something eventually happens that knocks the spouse off that "special perfect status." It's bound to happen as nobody is perfect. But for the NPD, this is a SEVERE blow. They seem to take it personally and once you fall from grace, things are never the same again.

Yes, mine was (is) still very jealous of the kids. Resentful even. He took it very personally that my attention was diverted to the kids. Of course, he was completely unable to understand how emotionally drained I was. He was also completely incapable of bonding with his kids like he should've.

He would act like an injured child when one of the kids (then toddlers) would say, "No. I want Mommy to do it." (You know how all kids do this.)

He told me after we split up that he viewed the kids and I as a team banded against him.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


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