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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel alot like my marriage is alot like the movie Rainman. I want so very much for my NPD STBX to change...but he simply can't. He isn't capable of change. He is who he is. But I can change and I have. I've found my strength again.


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, March 23rd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kmhu,

Glad we're good.

But there is no bullshit to call...I am not with this woman to spite my wife...I am with her because she treats me like a human being and because she actually cares about me.

I was thinking more about that you're still in love with your wife.

Itsa is right. Your divorce is going to be very difficult. If your wife is NPD, she will make things as ugly and difficult as she can. That is why it is so important to get started. It may take a LONG time to get through it.

Dazed,
sounds like you're doing well. Once you come to terms with what you're dealing with it is much easier to move on.

Hang in there!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking more about that you're still in love with your wife.

I agree. Some of the things your wife knows, she knows because of the kids. But a lot of what you posted, she should have no clue about it because it's stuff that your kids should not know about, either. If your kids know all the details about the women you date, then you need to exercise better boundaries in that area, too. And if you're so in love with this new woman, then why do you still care about what your ex means when she's "trying to be nice?" I don't think this is a communication problem, or you unable to explain yourself. I think this is a matter of you being enmeshed with her so deeply that you can't see your part in continuing this foolishness. After 3 years of her living with another man, BOTH of you are dating two people at the same time. Right now you're not sitting on a moral high ground; you're wallowing in the mud right along with her. Get up and rinse yourself off, for your children's sake.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She hasn't been living with him for 3 years...they have been dating. She lives alone with our children. And we are not BOTH seeing other people....My wife and I ARE NOT TOGETHER. We haven't been in almost 2 years. There is no romance...just games.


I will always love my wife....but we will never be together again. This I know.

And you're right...I shouldn't care what she thinks, says or does...but for some reason I do.
I'll get over it.

[This message edited by Keepmyheadup at 9:03 AM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post!

[This message edited by Keepmyheadup at 8:35 AM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay... I just went back and read some of your edits, and it's a little clearer. The intercourse might not be there, but the sexual aspect definitely is: no more body rubs. No more kisses. Have as little contact with her as possible. And while I probably would not extend my husband greetings that I hoped he was feeling better, if he was on my insurance, I would be asking if he needed a card, etc., because it's a courtesy and it's much easier for me to get it now with advance warning than it is to get it when he's at the dentist office.

That's another trap: the friends business. There are some people who cannot stand for anyone to be mad at them. ESPECIALLY when it's all their fault. So they act especially nice so that everybody knows that there are no hard feelings. This is an attempt to keep you smiling and subservient; it's not so much about trying to get you back or even keep you so much as she knows which buttons to push.

You're in for a long, hard battle. You don't have time to second-guess your wife's every move. Quit feeding her neuroses, and your own will dry up, too, I promise. If you know you'll never be together again, your actions need to show it, and they don't. She's been dating OM for at least 3 years; that's what HER actions show. Pay attention to that instead of the words that come out of her mouth because you can't count on that at all.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although in your posts you say you are not together and that there is no romance it seems that there is still some gonings on since you have posted that you have had a number of intimate times in the past few years. I would bet that a number of affairs are just as unromantic. She is making you the other man in many ways. The only way the games wimm stop is when you stop them.

It sound like you need to take a huge step back from all this and take a stand on the boundries. There is no reason you have to take her calls when she insists and if she harrasses you then you need to shut her down. She will only do what you allow her to do. If she get a brick wall time and again she will eventually stop. It will take some time since she has gotten away with this behaviour for a long time.

Dazed I think it is not that they can't change, it is that they won't change because they don't see anything wrong with themselves. There are some that do change a bit in order to get their needs met. At the core of who they are there is a huge black hole and hold alot of nasty stuff and not a decent moral person that we expect to find under all the stinking layers.

I know I lived under the hope/belief that my ex could be a better person if he wanted to. It took a long time to realize that he would never be the good person I needed because he simply doesn't want to be that person. I wonder if he has shaped up some with the wifetress because I see some things that are different. I know at his core he is very selfish and will do whatever he feels he needs to including abuse people and lie. I just can't live with that or trust someone like that.

They do change to a degree when he act different towards them. They do resist and try and get us to wallow in the mud with them. We just have to find that we deserve better (heck being alone is better than what they offer).I am glad you are finding your strength.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Keepmyheadup)))

I am a male, having divorced an NPD Fuckhead, Oooopppsss.... I mean Freak.

I'm sorry, Bro, she ain't a changing. She also sounds heavily on the BPD side of the scales.

Run don't walk in the other direction. NO CONTACT.

Like you I have kids with my Fuckhead, oooppppssss.... I mean Freak, and she trys now and again to bait me. Whatever. Ignore, ignore.

It takes a long time to thicken the skin and have things roll off your back, to reach a level of detachment. Meditation, the great teachings of the Wise Sages, The NPD Thread, working out, getting a life (GAL) have all helped. And also the time away from her.

These days, there is almost zero communication. One email exchange this whole year. You cannot co-parent with an NPD Fuckhead. Oooppssss.... I mean Freak (I better check this computer. It keeps misspelling things. LOL.).

She does constantly try to bait me though, by sending messages through the kids. Ignored.

She will, like my NPD Fuckhe... Freak, eventually move on to another victim(s) when she cannot get supply from you.

No Supply. Give none. They cannot handle being ignored/insignificant/disregarded. If they cannot get supply from you, they will get it elsewhere. Cool. Let them get it elsewhere. And good riddance !!!

Hope this helps. Be good and be strong for your kids.

BoB He who has escaped the clutches of the NPD Freak and Her NPD/APD Drug and Alcohol Problematic FOO. LOL.

ETA: Lame ass spelling. Again. LOL.

[This message edited by bobelina at 2:58 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She also sounds heavily on the BPD side of the scales.

That's what I was thinking, more BPD than actual NPD, but then I was also thinking about Ron, who used to say that people differentiate between NPD/BPD as men/women. But her behavior does sound a bit loose for NPD.

Congrats to you for getting rid of your Fuckhe... darn these newfangled computers! Mine keeps making the same mistake, only mine misspells my husband's name as Fucker or Dickwad.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dumbfuck....oops!
Dumbass.....oh darn it!!

FREAK!!!

Mine's not working right either.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss Ron. Hope you're ok bro)))


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

I have a former student who was diagnosed BPD last summer. It's been interesting to know her as a BPD.

She is a cool person but oh my the drama.

Lots of problems with the boys. She swings on the love/hate pendulum a lot and then the abandonment issues. All aspects of life. Interesting.

Interesting to know the person and to know what the diagnosis means. Really interesting.

But oh my the drama. Whew... It never stops !!!

BoB

[This message edited by bobelina at 8:04 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...how about some input...I just received this e-mail:::

Hey,

I wanted to see how K was feeling... is she still coughing? Did you have to give her the medicine tonight? Please send that back with them tomorrow.

Also let me know what books she read. Good luck with your root canal (if you didn't have it already).

Don't forget to send back the ice packs. I have no more.

Thanks.


Now...I could understand the meds...even though it really doesn't matter if I gave it to her or not...My ex wouldn't give her meds until tomorrow night anyways.

But here is the good luck... for the 5TH FUCKIN TIME. And I've been e-mailed 4 times in 3 days about the reading and the ice packs.

How do I answer?


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm

I would be likely to say

K is fine. Will drop the kids off at **** tomorrow.

Just answer the one question she asked and then send what she asked for.

I am bad and I have very little contact with my ex because he sees the kids once a month if that. I purposely wait 24 hrs before answering emails. I also check the emails very infrequently (kept forgetting and now have it forwarded to an email I check more often)

I only talk about the kids and nothing about me unless it impacts the kids. The it is as few words and details as possible.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My reply::: K was fine...no coughing so, no medicine needed tonight. Will do, on everything else.


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, March 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Keep)))

That was good, but less is more. LOL.

Next time do it like (((Lied2))).

Don't worry, i had to learn the hard way too. LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said Too much??? lol

I thought my reply was perfect...I have alot to learn.
:-)


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like lied2's idea of waiting 24hrs before answering. In your case, the 24hr thing might not work, so I would at least wait to respond until the next morning.

Remember the "gem"? Her urgency is not your urgency. Just because she sends an email does not mean you have to reply.

I think your reply was fine. Bob is right. Less is best. Next time wait until the morning to reply....if a reply is necessary. I would have completely ignored it and replyed in person the next day during the exchange.

This email sounds more like a fishing expedetion seeking out chit-chat. This is nothing urgent. You could have given her this information during the exchange the next day.

"Here's the kids. Here's the meds. We didn't use any. No coughing. Oh, here's your ice bags. See you Wednesday. Bye."

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:35 AM, March 25th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Keepmyheadup
♂ Member
Member # 23157
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This email sounds more like a fishing expedetion seeking out chit-chat. This is nothing urgent. You could have given her this information during the exchange the next day.

I agree 100% ..... This is an every day occurence. I got the e-mail 10 minutes after she spoke to my girls to say goodnight...this info could of been asked about then...but she had to e-mail me instead.

I believe that she does this stuff to "get in my head". It's like... "Look at me, I care about you and I'm thinking of you". "I'm a good person".

Bullshit!
.


Me (BS)-39
Her (WS)-40
OM (her boss)- 50 something
D-Day Nov 26, 2005

Posts: 156 | Registered: Mar 2009
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 25th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure you all might have read it, but I picked up the book Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary and am finding it VERY helpful. It identifies what your triggers are to you Ex's antics and helps you to keep sane in your dealings with them. Just thought I'd share....


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2006
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