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User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are great, this is just the support I need right now. He is turning it on strong as he feels me slipping away, and it is getting harder and harder to deal with as money gets tight, the kids are demanding, all the appts and things with the D.

One thing I insisted on is changing his request for free access to the house. WTF was he thinking?! I would just let him come and go once he vacates the residence? He is truly loony toons.
Can I change the locks once he vacates, or do I have to wait for permanent orders?


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Legally I believe you have to wait for something legal but if he has a taken up residence someplace else then I would change the locks. He could call the police on you but then they would ask if he is living there and if he is not I doubt they would do anything and if he went nuts on them (which he might if he is acting like a jerk now) it would not help him. I was also told that if you do change them then you may have to give him a key which I would do in the slowest manner possible ie through the lawyers.

After my ex moved out there was nothing legal for a while and he kept soming into the house so I finally contacted the police and asked and then changed the locks. With it being a divorce in the works and him living elsewhere the police were not going to let him in the house to take things even if he was still on the house since they could not be sure he was taking just things that were his.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 14th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Cogal I also wanted to put in my vote for making the house less than friendly for him. I know that the few months when my ex lived here I didn't cook for him or anything and I would purposely not make enough for him so he would have to deal with himself. He was very nasty and the kids and pretty much stayed away from him as much as we could.

It is really difficult but you can do it. Just remember it will be over soon. Focus on your goals and don't let him 'win' this one by him forcing you to do something you don't want like move out.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
disillusioned1
♀ Member
Member # 24670
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 16th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazy question... Tonight my FWH accused me of being NPD. I had confronted him about online porn viewing and how I thought it was negatively impacting our M. He then said I make everything about me and that I was NPD.

I've never been called that before and just started looking up info online to see if I agree. I knew there was a thread here and just wondered if there are any common traits? I'm not the one who had the A, but I know I'm not perfect. If I really am this, how would I know?


BS (me) - 45
WH - 51
Together since 6/24/97 (met at OW's wedding--ouch!)
Married - 12/23/02
D Day- 6/21/09

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disillusioned1,
Rest assured. The fact that you are concerned and can even consider that you may have this disorder should be enough for anyone to tell you that you DO NOT have NPD.

I would look more closely at your WS who may be projecting, though.....

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:32 AM, May 17th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 17th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with Sadtoo, the fact that you are even wondering if you have it means it is very unlikely that you do.

Much of the time these people will project onto their victims their own traits.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holy fing shit, he is moving out tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in the final temporary orders it says he has to have written approval to enter the house once he vacates, thank god.

He is still staying true to being NPD. This (the D) is all my fault, and I will soon regret it. He will make sure the kids know this was all my doing and he didn't want it Made me tell the kids on my own, he wouldn't participate unless he could speak about his unapproval of the situation, idiot.
He is taking thier beds, I asked if he could please just leave those for Thursday night so they have a place to sleep and then we can move them to his place on Friday. Nope, he's taking them and says I should have plenty of time from 5-7pm on thursday to set up two new beds, fucker.

Still says he doesn't need IC, he's in a "good" place. Denial and bargaining stage don't exactly seem ideal, but whatever, if thats where he wants to spend the rest of his life go at it.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Now first thing. CHANGE THE LOCKS. Then go to your attorney and request exclusive rights to the marital home. DO NOT tell him you are going to do this, just do it.

One he realizes that you are not going to come crying back, he may decide to. Don't give him a heads up.

And if you're being premature in changing the locks. Too bad. Better to apologize later and be safe rather than towing the line of the law and have a lunatic in your house who could do irriversable damage.

Hang in there!! You are going to make it!!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,

I totally agree about changing the locks. I am sooo glad I did because now I don't have to worry about him coming in my safe space.

I have a question for the NPD experts on this board. Why do NPDs often line up backup relationships before they get out of their current one?

I ask because STBX has recently done this and it is not the first time. He fought me tooth and nail about divorce earlier this year - he didn't want it, he wanted to R, I would be breaking up the family, etc.

Then, in March he started hanging out with some new friends and everything changed. He met a new girl and now she is his girlfriend and he is all gung ho about the D. He just e-mailed me an entire settlement proposal that he'd drafted today. Last night he told me he would "give me anything I want" in the D.

Is the explanation that he has (once again) found his soulmate and he needs to get rid of me ASAP? I am guessing he is getting pressure from her to finalize the D - this happened with OW#1. And, even though I know this marriage needs to end, WHY does it still hurt to feel like he has such an easy time replacing me?

I cannot even bear the thought of dating right now - I am not healthy enough at all. I tried it once almost a year ago and it was a mistake. Hopefully with time and space I will get there.

It just boggles my mind to watch STBX move on so fast. Then again, I never thought he would have an A so why am I surprised?


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's because they need the NPD to be fed, otherwise they feel depressed. So if it's not you, or some job, or activity, it's another person.

While I know it WILL hurt when latches onto someone else, especially if it's OW (who is now divorced also), I know it will mean I am free of him (at least until the fucks that up). I will be his conquest until he meets someone else, and honestly that frightens me.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may sound stupid, but I just wanted to throw this out there.

I'm really beginning to believe from my IC and the advice from the good folks here that WH is NPD.

My first suspicion was years ago about pets. WH loves cats, but it didn't seem to bother him when one of his cats went missing, and another died. He did seem to feel bad, but it seemed that any cat would do. He liked the prettier Persian cats than the one cat we had that had a great personality.

I started to feel that I was like one of his cats. I was replaceable. Cats were good. They could come and sit on his lap when he felt like it, and then forgotten or ignored when he didn't need or want them. He didn't seem to get attached to any one of them, whereas most people do get attached to one pet.

Does this sound crazy as another indication of NPD?

I am just one of the cats/harem and replaceable?


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, May 19th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD involves a profound lack of emotional attachment. To them people are almost interchangable so they do move on to another person very quickly. I think they also do the same thing with animals. They are looking for the attention and if they can get more attention someplace else easier then they will.

The word discarded fits very well.

Cogal I hope that you can have peace as he is moving out. I know my ex unended the house when he was moving out. He did damage to some of my things as he moved as well. I think just to be spiteful. Make sure that you keep what you need for you and the kids.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal, DO change the locks please, and get locks for the backyard gates as well. There are also inexpensive thingamajigs that you can use to secure the windows. In fact, I've heard that if you put a dirt-smudge on your cheek and wander the hardware store aisles looking lost, you'll get lots of ...help. Just sayin

Alerting the curtain-peering neighbor(s?) to keep an eye on your place when you're gone...and, I know money's getting tight (why does he have the right to take the kids' beds?), but you can set up remote real-time video monitoring through a computer's camera.

Stalking, harassment, senseless property destruction, and trouble-making are common...usual...to be expected when the Narcissist loses control. It is well known that the most dangerous time for the victim is now, at the beginning, when they sense their control slipping.

You say he's really "turning it on strong" now, hey?

(and also mommy),
I know on an emotional level it sux to see them move on so rapidly (to the next victim...sigh), but in a practical sense, it is to your advantage, as they redirect the bright light of their vampire charm elsewhere. Becoming less of a target for supply is a good thing.

Too paranoid sounding for you Cogal? Sorry about that. Can't help it...since I'm thinking about a monster that drugged you once, and tried to drug you another time.
I've been praying for you, sending special strength.

disillusioned1,
sad and lied suggested he's projecting...I'm saying it is certain that he is. I am also certain that you are not NPD.
Remember, this is the essence of gaslighting - making you the crazy one.
Chain that dam dog in the basement. It don't hunt.

and speaking of animals...segue much?

In my NPD's case, she lavished attention on the border-collie I got for her when we were dating. May be part of the diff btwn cats and dogs, and NPD's various reactions to them, but the slavish love and unquestioning obedience of that animal fed her just fine, she *loved* it...

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember, this is the essence of gaslighting - making you the crazy one.

Exactly. He has to paint you as crazy because then he's normal.

I cannot even tell you the number of times I was "controlling".

Ha, some controlling bitch I turned out to be! I managed to control him so well, he snuck around having affairs for years! If I was going for "Controlling" I really sucked at it.

but I know I'm not perfect.

Let me guess - he thinks you should work on X, you work on X exactly to his specifications...and suddenly, it's actually X+Y that annoys him?

He moves the bar on you.

He wouldn't look at porn if you would just....what, be more spontaneous? So you leave work early and suprise him at home to find him, say...beating off at the computer?

Or if you were more adventurous in bed and try all the new positions he throws at you, even if you don't care for them? But even after doing things you are uncomfortable with...he pushes for more, weirder stuff?

Or you don't keep the house clean enough, so you struggle and struggle with that to realize....he's the one creating the mess in the first place?

And when you clean up one mess, he just makes a bigger one to take it's place?

Or let's say "you" are spending too much money...but he has new clothes that he "needed"?

Or you drive the old, beat up car and he always has the newer, nice one? But "you" spend too much money, right?

Gaslighting - once you see it for what it is, you wonder how you didn't brain the guy with a baseball bat years ago.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 729 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaslighting - once you see it for what it is, you wonder how you didn't brain the guy with a baseball bat years ago



The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So fucking true!!!!!!

Last night I let him get his last "talking" in. It was still all about me, lol. I had emotionally abandoned him once the kids came, so he was just seeking love from someone else, ha. When I tried telling him that he got upset with all my activites that did not revolved around him (playgroups, support groups, hanging out with friends, work, etc), he said he just wanted my time, he missed me. Um, no that is wanting to control my life idiot.
To think I actually stopped doing a lot of that after d-day to try to make him happy, and then I got severely depressed, and he still said I wasn't good enough. Nice guy he was.

Today the movers showed up and he went and hid in the bathroom crying! I let them in, no way was I going to let them leave!!! Then when the kids and I get in the car to head to my moms for the day my son says "you made daddy upset, he just wants to keep the family together and doesn't want to leave". I wanted to drive back and run him over, but instead said "sometimes mommy or daddy may cry and get upset, but it has NOTHING to do with you, no matter what we love you both more than anything. We are still a family, we just have two houses. You still have a mommy and a daddy. We will still do all the things you like to do, you will still be happy"
They seemed ok after that, but WTF, if he keeps this up I may need to try and limit his time with them.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 20th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gaslighting - once you see it for what it is, you wonder how you didn't brain the guy with a baseball bat years ago.

OMG!! Isn't that the truth!!??

Cogal,

Still says he doesn't need IC, he's in a "good" place.

I just LOVE this. It's so typical NPD. Of course he doesn't need IC. There is nothing wrong with him. {sarcasm} He's done everything he can to save the marriage.

mommyblonde

Why do NPDs often line up backup relationships before they get out of their current one?

NPD's are notorious for cheating. They are often serial cheaters. Relationships are not the same for the NPD as they are for us. The NPD is extremely shallow as are his relationships.

Relationships are all about the NPD, what's in it for him, how it makes him feel and how he perceives it makes him look.

If he's a SA, and he doesn't feel that he gets enough at home or that it's not kinky enough or the way he wants it, he'll cheat. He'll either have numberous ONS's or if he finds someone who fullfills his sexual appetite, he may have a LTA. He hides the affairs not because he's afraid of hurting his wife and family, but because his marriage and family provide something for him. Most likely an image that he wants to maintain. See? It's all about him.

This is why when his affiars are exposed and the divorce becomes certain, he begins to rewrite history, begins playing the victim, and refuses to take responsibility for any part of the break down of the marriage.

The OW or who-ever becomes this saint or savior to the WS, his family and friends because she was "there to help" him and to be a "friend" when he needed one to support him from the wicked evil STBXW. She was the only one he could confide in because he didn't or couldn't tell anyone just how horrible his marriage and wife really was.

The REAL victim (us) is left shocked and hurt because this is obviously a complete LIE. And it hurts because the people who we once loved and trusted have turned against us with a vengence and actually believe this rubbish.

And like most REAL victims, we can't even imagine dating let alone being in a serious relationship. It's completely mind boggling.

He just e-mailed me an entire settlement proposal that he'd drafted today.

I find this interesting too. Like your situation we had seperated prior to divorcing (only at the time I never found proof only suspected cheating) and then when we DID begin divorce he was deep in another affiar with his "soulmate". When I threw him out of the house, he was introducing her to our friends as his "fiance'". We had barely even filed. We both had attorneys, yet he would fax me his own proposals as to how he wanted to divide our property. It was really more of a demand. He was in a big hurry too, as they had a wedding date set. If I were you, I would IGNORE anything that you get directly from him. Give it to your attorney and let him/her deal with it. Don't communicate directly with your STBXNPDH about any settlement proposals.

I totally understand your pain. Once again it's because they are so shallow and uncaring. And when you are faced with this, it's such a slap in the face. The shock is almost unbearable. It's as if they've just thrown you out like last week's trash...without as much as a thought. And like you say, even though you know the marriage needs to end, there should be some saddness. That would be normal. And one would think that the person who has caused all of this damage and pain would be at least a little bit sorry. But they're not. Not at all.

I think it's the shock of it all that's so hard to accept. That's how it was for me. I was so shocked at how cold he was. I was shocked at how easily he lied UNDER OATH during our hearings during our divorce. I was shocked at how easily he threw everything away without so much as a thought. I was shocked at how much damage and pain he caused without EVER accepting any responsibility. But I think the biggest shock for me was not seeing it all until the very end. It all seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks.

honesttoafault

I am just one of the cats/harem and replaceable?

Yes.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:10 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal,

I think that you are going to have to have an airtight custody/visitation agreement with him. I have read that this is an absolute necessity with NPDs because they will look for any loophole and abuse it.

I have been looking at some sample agreements and one provision you might want to include discusses how each parent talks about the other, the divorce, etc. to the kids.

Your kids are old enough to repeat to you what he says to them and if he plays the victim card while they are with him and speaks badly about you, then you will have recourse to modify visitation, if necessary.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The NPD will play every card, including the victim card to get what they believe they deserve.
Remember, they have a "sense of entitlement".
The benefit here is to expect all that...anticipate it, and plan accordingly.

There is no hurt, no damage, to you or their own children they will not consider to achieve their self-perceived deserved ends.

mommyblonde, if there is such a provision you have found, it would be just peachy if you could dig it up and copy it here.
I myself did not have children with the pet (shew!)
but if anyone could use such a thing, it'd be us. Bless you.


Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed, I would love to know any wording for custody agreements that have everything spelled out.

Tonight I was trying to psych the kids up to spend all weekend with dad. Dd says "but it won't be fun if daddy is sad all weekend", how sad is that?! Can he not put on a happy face while they are around so they don't have to worry about thier DAD all weekend, geez.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
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