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User Topic: Npd Thread Part V II
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I will be happy to share some of the provisions I am going to be including in my agreement. Because it is going to be a lengthy document I am drafting it on my own and having my attorney review it. Will save money that way.

I will post some stuff as soon as I am back in my office on Monday. I keep all of that on my work computer - too many experiences in the past of STBX getting into my stuff on the home computer.

Cogal, I hope you take some time for yourself this weekend while the kids are with their dad. You have been through quite a rough patch here. I am guessing he might perk up when they are with him - this sad routine is mainly a performance for you.


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, May 21st (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I'd share this as reason #?? that I think WH is NPD:
We go into a clothing store. Usually WH looks for himself and wants me there to help him/carry his choices as he looks. This time I wandered off to look at something else. He finds me with an armload of clothes, very angry. "Where were you? I needed you to help me look!!" and he proceeds to hand me his pile of clothes and continues looking.

LOL, if it wasn't for this thread and all you wise people, I would've felt guilty about not being there!! Instead, I answered, " When we entered the store, you went to the men's dept. and I naturally went to the women's dept. to look." and smiled.
He didn't know what to say!! He looked bewildered.

I'm just sharing this mundane stupidity, because I felt seeing RL examples more helpful.

Thank you all for your help and support.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed you to help me look!!

Translation:
"I needed you to tell me how wonderful I'll look in this shirt and how beautiful my eyes look when I wear green. Plus I can't carry all this by myself. Then I'll need you to carry-on about how nice my ass looks in these Dockers when I'm trying them on."

Perfect example of NPD-ness. Never any consideration for your needs or wants. It's all about him. There's also the control-issue dynamic going on too. He's gonna tell you when you can shop for yourself and how you will conduct yourself in a department store. grrrrr.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
hopefulmom
♀ Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Classic NPD:

College age daughter asked her father if he could help her with her tuition now that D is settled. His reply: "I need that money for my own tuition." "You should have gone to a cheaper college"

Two years into her 4 year degree and what? He wants her to transfer? She reminded him that when she was picking her college he said to go with the best fit, not to worry about the money because somehow we will make it work. (I guess by running away he made it work for him?) He denied he ever told her that!

Amazing.


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

Posts: 257 | Registered: Apr 2009
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like landabear's post on the last page as it pertains to the patterns of mundane stupidity, and how the bar for compliance to their behaviours is always being moved.

It's always; "How is s/he trying to control me today?" and "In what way will I be punished if I don't accede to their wishes?"

It could be cold/hot anger. Cruelty. Silence. Threats. Accusations. A histrionic embarrassing scene. Manufactured drama at just the wrong time that you now *have to fix*.

Yeah. So you go fix. Again and again and again, until that soul-vomiting toxicity...that feeling of being *just* an object for their convenience and use starts to niggle at your gut.

I want that feeling of isolation, entrapment, and hopelessness that they engender in their targets - YOU! - to be a thing of the past. It begins to become conquerable when you can fit their crazy making crap into predictable patterns so you can begin to untangle and detach.

Patterns.

At some point, it is my prayer that your greatest problem will be trying to not laugh out loud at their ridiculous childishness, and at the same time,
remain safe from their utter evil.
(and drop the armload of clothes, crap, drama, and degradation they try to *put on you*)



Posts: 6028 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sick_of_the_lies
♀ Member
Member # 26961
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mommyblonde, I understand the desire to have such language in your decree, but it might cause more problems than not. It's unlikely to stop him from talking bad about you if he wants, but not only might he make it sneakier/more manipulative with the kids, he could just as easily use it as a tool against you. Which is not to say I think you'll be talking bad about him to the kids, but he may spend a lot of time trying to get the kids to say that you are, or he might just lie outright to a judge, claiming that you are in violation of the order. In any event, I would definitely discuss it with your lawyer, and make sure they have some idea of what your STBX is actually like.

I know there are people on here who have NPD exs, with children. Do they exercise custody regularly? Do they talk bad about you to the kids? And if so, do the kids seem affected by it, at least in how they view you? My father sometimes talked bad about my mother, but it didn't affect the way I felt about my mother, just what I thought about my father.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wounded: How did you know that the shirt was green?

jjct: thank you for putting into words what I was feeling. I am just starting to see things more realistically and when I start to get mad, I am beginning to realize how ridiculous he is and am trying not to laugh at him.

What I don't understand is how WH can say, "Buy anything you want." when we are at a store, and if I quickly get something before we get to the register, he says "Good, I'm glad you found something" or he always seems to say "yes" to the kids request to buy something.

My question really is, how can they appear "normal" at times like this, or even generous? Is it a front? Something they feel makes them look good? Or have ulterior motives?

Thanks


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad night here. I am sad, very sad tonight. I guess it took being alone in the house with out him or the kids for me to get a reality check, and it sucks. I am sitting here thinking "should we go to MC?" "am I rushing things?"
10 years of marriage so fucked up by one man, it just sucks.......

I try and remind myself that I was here, trying to make it work, saying I would do anything to save the marriage, making appts for MC that he would only get angry about. That he not only had the A, but completely dismissed me for over a year after. That he only came to his "senses" after I filed for D. That these are moments of weakness and I just need to get through them, that I will be happier with out him in my life.

But I am sad.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Cogal))))

This beginning part - the alone part - is really hard. It does get better. I promise.

Is there someone you can call tonight? Just to get your mind off things for a bit? Maybe pop in a DVD to watch? Sometimes I think it's easiest just to go to bed and start afresh in the morning.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, May 22nd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my dday antiversary passed, and I missed it. oh em gee hey?
That's two!
On top of forgetting pet's bday, I got two! I just realized when starting this post! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!
Yay me!

I don't trigger too much anymore. Whoever said ignorance is bliss missed one word -forgetfulness is bliss bich!

Ok shew! Cogal? curl up by the ac, or the fire if you're on the north pole...get comfortable in your own skin. The new you. Make yourself comfortable, tribe, curl up with a book? I did alot of that for comfort, at first, before I found this place.
TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT.



Posts: 6028 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question really is, how can they appear "normal" at times like this, or even generous? Is it a front? Something they feel makes them look good? Or have ulterior motives?

Let's say he says "I'm glad you found something". This something is a green sweater. On sale.

Two years from now, when you are complaining about something, HE will say "yeah, but you bought that expensive green sweater!!!!!"

Never mind it wasn't expensive, or that it was 5% of the total bill that day, or that you aren't even talking about that day in the arguement.

Bigger example, when I asked my ex why he had cheated on me, he said "maybe it's because of that time you broke up with me!!"

In high school. 9 years before the cheating that lead to the divorce.

It's like they keep a folder in their head labeled "Things So And So Did Wrong" and one labeled "Things I Did To Prove I'm Not A Complete Asshole", and then trot the information out when they think it will throw you off balance.

I mean REALLY - high school? You saved up the resentment from HIGH SCHOOL and used it to cheat on your wife and kids? Right.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 730 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honesttoafault,
Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. You'll go crazy trying. And even if we all knew everything that goes on in their crazy brains......it still wouldn't make sense.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You saved up the resentment from HIGH SCHOOL and used it to cheat on your wife and kids? Right.

Mine had a huge list of resentments and he used them to justify all the horrible and cruel things he did. Heck I am sure he used them to convince the wifetress and his family what a horrible bitch I am. It is complete nonsense and crazymaking.

Cogal you will go through periods of sadness like that. I get that sometimes still. I have come to realize that it is not him I miss (because the thought of being with him now makes me ) but I miss having someone to love me the way I deserve. Sad because life can be difficult and being a single mom all on my own sucks some days.

However it is so important to be alone for a period of time and to find yourself and really heal. That can't be done by substituting someone into that place because the damage that has been done is deep and need healing and introspection. Being able to get to the place where you are confortable alone with your own company shows great strength and not weakness like so many believe.

As for making agreements and wording to use, there will never do an agreement that these people can't manipulate. There are some things I wished I had put in mine because my ex loves to twist stuff up. Things like giving me complete contact information before he can see the kids. That stuff is already expected under the law and under the fact that I have sole custody and access at my discression. But he still won't do it willingly because it is not specifically stated in out agreement.

I believe there is a post in the D/S forum someplace that has a whole long list of things to consider putting into an order. It would be worthwhile seeing if someone can dig it out for you.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness I found this forum, it is hard for anyone to understand how crazy they are and how much we've been put through. My mom is having a very hard time stepping back from him. She thinks that by helping him he will leave me alone. She got him a washer/dryer when that became his excuse of why he couldn't move out. Now the damn dryer doesn't have the right cord and he's all up in arms about it. He NEEDS my help, WTF, I am not a damn electrician. So my mom sends him the names of some electricians. This after I told her to STOP, nothing we do will help him, there will ALWAYS be another saga to follow. This is why I am divorcing him, so I don't have to fix all his problems.

I found this after going back a ways on this thread
" And when someone tells you they are a bad person or not good enough for you, absolutely believe them. It's a manipulative, bullying tactic. Once they say something to that effect, by staying with them, you hand them the Black Card of emotional destruction. You knew they were bad, so they have the right to treat you however they want to. From that point on, it will be no holds barred abuse, and trying to figure it out and fix it or fix them is a total waste of your time."

so true. This is someone he says often "I'm messed up, I don't deserve a 4th chance". BUT following those statements comes "but you knew that when you married me. You'll be happier if you stay, not now, but in the future"
um thanks, but no thanks. I want to make my own future, not rely on him to live up to his word.


And you know what?! The idiot took all my freakin toilet paper when he left, had to go to each bathroom and remove it, wth is that about????


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And thank you for the advice in regards to being comfortable being alone. I know it's true, that's why I am trying to not rush into anything, including even being "just friends" with any new guys. I found this great blog about npd and it mentioned getting a FWB and how unhealthy that is, that no healthy woman would want that.....and I do, so there we have it, I'm not healthy yet, lol.
It's hard, I feel like I've thrown 10 years of my life away. Wish I had never met the man. I feel like I'm still young, better find someone soon, even though I know that's rubbish. I guess it's just society getting to me.

I need to keep my focus. Keep me healthy and happy, and for once focus on the kids instead of his dumb ass, they deserve it.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cogal, being alone is really hard sometimes - I don't really miss STBX anymore but I do miss my kids. I also miss having someone to hang out with in the evenings and on the weekends.

This is a very "couple-centric" world and it is hard to become adjusted to living in it as a single woman. STBX and I used to be best friends (or so I thought) and it is very easy to want to fill that void with another guy.

However, I tried that last summer and it ended up to be a huge mistake. Not just for me, but it also added to STBX's NPD insanity (see my earlier posts in this thread about "Bob" for an explanation of why).

I know what you mean, though. I am in my early 30's and have been married for 9 years - with STBX for a total of 15 years. I had my children when I was 27 and 30 years old. So, here I am, still young and thinking, I need to get a move on and find a real man!

And I really have never admitted this to anyone, but sometimes I even think that I need to hurry up and find someone before it is too late for me to have another baby. I always wanted a 3rd child but STBX barely wanted a 2nd.

When I start thinking that way, I have to take a step back and tell myself that thinking like that is not healthy whatsoever. Here I am putting the cart before the horse - big time!

Even though I hate STBX right now, and I hate that I wasted 15 years of my life with him, I got two beautiful children out of the deal and I need to focus on them and me and let everything else happen on its own.

Would you mind sharing the link for the blog you found? I try and read as much as I can about how people have dealt with NPD. Thanks!

And BTW, I cannot believe the freak stole your toilet paper - OMG!!

[This message edited by mommyblonde at 3:58 PM, May 23rd (Sunday)]


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
Cogal
♀ Member
Member # 28314
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com/


Did many people here read books on npd? I wonder if it's worth my time and energy, or if the small fortune I am spending on IC is enough.


Me (bw): 30 something
exH NPD: 30 something
kids: preschool twins
d-day 4/09 (7 month EA/PA)
married 10 years
divorced and ready for 2011

It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!


Posts: 279 | Registered: Apr 2010
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now the damn dryer doesn't have the right cord and he's all up in arms about it
.

He needs to take a damn picture of his plug on the wall and then go to the store and BUY the cord that matches the PLUG. He needs to do what everyone else in the freakin' world does.

....and yes, I CAN believe he took the toilet paper. Nothing shocks me with these "Dumbass's" Lol!! (That was my nickname for my XNPDH too!) Somehow it just seems to fit!

As far as being lonely and feeling like you miss "him", it's totally normal. But remind yourself what you're really missing. You're missing what you've always been trying to have in your marriage. Something normal. Or maybe you've been trying to find the normal guy that he started out to be and then through subtle changes turned into this selfish idiot you're dealing with today. Maybe you're just greiving the loss of how your life should have been. What ever it is, let yourself grieve. But keep it in prospective.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and as far as the books....I have BOXES of books on NPD. I would be happy to send them to anyone who wants them. I'll dig them out and list the titles.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 23rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you are involved with a psychopath AKA "malignant narcissist," my God the other woman is akin to bait that zoo keepers might use to distract a dangerous animal from a someone that fell into a tiger's lair. Yes- the "other woman" is no martyr, nor is she ever acting in your best interests, but poetic justice comes into play when she gets what she was after- your psychopathic spouse. You are free, he is distracted, and she gets to be devalued and discarded.

Think of it this way- the "other woman" takes out the trash for you. And in some cases, when there are children involved, she's their only hope of not being neglected when he has them for visitation.

An "other woman" means he has less time to bother you; that's important when you need to be moving away from the dump onto to greener pastures. Let her have the garbage.

Of course, victims only realize they got the better part of the deal, being discarded, if they truly understand narcissists are predators. They survive by devouring and change for no one, all they change regularly is partners.

http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-01-18T19%3A24%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=7


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
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